Rush Rush...

Mornings. I am still at home... going to go out for loaning with a friend later for the mag. Feeling alittle bit stressed out as there are so many things that I need to do today. Not sure I am going to juggle everything at once. Rush Rush... * Sigh * this is my fault for procrastinating as always. Anyways better get on moving with my day.

* I am still missing you...

Momentary Madness

There are times in your life when you are hit by Momentary Madness and for the life of you, you will never really comprehend or fully understand what has happened or why it has happened. For some they sit and ponder about that momentary moment of madness whilst others fake ignorance and hide under excuses that they create.
I am a victim of Momentary Madness. I love that feeling though, the feeling that grips you so suddenly that you don't know if you should stop or go forward, think or 'just do it'. The sad part about all this is that after that moment is gone, you are left an empty shell or perhaps just wondering 'why'? Left alone trying to make sense of what really happened and you wonder if you were possesed or if you were high on something... which in my case is neither. Then you start to see the cracks in life and the holes gapping at you thanks to you wonderful moment of madness which thankfully lasted awhile... and you think of all the things you have to do to make things better and how to heal the wounds that you inflicted on another (if there were anylah in the first place!)
Momentary Madness - it is a feeling I love and crave. That recklessness that comes to me every now and then. Just like a werewolf who sees the full moon, I too get that way though I am not sure what triggers me off. (that sounded alittle odd... ) Yet when alls said and done and sometimes before this Momentary Madness, I think about the consequences and wonder what will happen. Thats the part I hate. Yes, you can love and hate something at the same time. I have no regrets though, there is always a reason for ones behaviour and for things that happen. May you enjoy your own Momentary Madness, just remember that you can never take anything back once it is let free.

Guess whos back???

I have been missing from the blogging scene in awhile. I guess the main reason would be because once more, my computer has died on me (though thankfully I have a new PC and my modem and connections are up and running - praise God!) and my parents said they would eventually buy me a new computer which has happened.

Christmas has passed by so quickly and it has been a pleasant one with many interesting surprises for me. It was not a perfect Christmas, though I sometimes wonder what the word 'perfect' really connotates and if there is such a thing as 'perfect'. The New Year 2005 is around the corner and I am still rushing to finish up the things I wanted to do, though honestly I have done all that I wanted to do in the first place, which I have to say is a first for me. I mean since I knew what New Years resolutions were, I have made them though I have not successfully kept to them and accomplished them. Thats why for once in my life I have seen something through.

So much has happened this year that sometimes I wonder how time can pass me by so quickly. My internship at 17 is almost up and the New Year with all its new challenges are just coming up. Well, I cannot write too much at the moment, I have some things to write for the mag. For those of you who visit My Little Piece of Heaven often, thanks. Hope all of you are well and Merry Happy Christmas to all of you and Happy Blessed New Year. May all your wishes, hopes, dreams and prayers come true. * Hugs *

Mini Update:

• I was fortunate enough to go to Singapore for my first real holiday in ages. Honestly it was wonderful. The Christmas deco was up and everything was so wonderful. I went to the zoo (the night safari and the day zoo) and spent almost 8 hours there. The Malaysian Zoo is nothing like the Singapore Zoo sadly. Anyways, had a blast shopping for my arts and crafts things and met some really nice people there and had a lot of interesting adventures. This trip is one of those 'never-will-forget' type holidays and honestly it was all thanks for the Possum and partly my parents who did pay for part of the trip. Thanks you guys, it really meant a lot to me going for this holiday.
• Had my internship at 17 mag. Learnt alot of things during this time there and feel as if maybe there is a calling for me in this industry * wink wink * who knows? I will be finished at the end of this year and will miss all my friends there at the mag. It was fun working there though the pay was sucky (but I wanted to the experience, so it didn't matter that much to me!)
• My finals are over and as always I am anxiously waiting for the results but am not too worried about it. I was sick that day and have been sick pretty much on and off but am getting better. Oh yeah... got pimple outbreak now toos... ahhh... Pizza face.
• I have cut down on drinking, blogging (can you tell?), arts and crafts and and reading as I have no time. Hope to pick it all up next year.
• I have a new haircut and I think it makes me look younger like a kid. Someone said it looks like Ashlee Simpson but dont' want to be really associated with her with all that lip-syncing thing happening. I am the 'real thing' - Aight!

Anyways, I have to go now. It is late and I should be in bed. Hardly slept tonight. I am missing someone as I type this and I hope that person knows who I am refering too. If not, I am missing you anyways.

Cobwebs

I am sitting here in the office, packing to finally leave the office after a long day. I am listening to Vindicated and thinking about the long bus ride home which I am looking forward to. I am happy but I am missing something which I can't quite explain. I will write soon and as for you dearAngelus, cobwebs has grown here in this little piece of Heaven, but it takes a lot of cleaning up to get rid of all of them. Hope everything is well with everyone.

Unknown Zone

I just got home from a the last show of "'I have dreamed'An evening with Sean Ghazi" the show that I was helping out with at the Actors Studio in Bangsar. I went today with my mum, an old friend and the Possum. The performance was wonderful and all of them enjoyed themselves. Wanted my dad to come but he wanted to stay home.. I guess he is a very homely man and on somedays I am like him as well longing to stay in the confines of my home sweet home, particularly my little room a.k.a the piggy house... =) (yes yes I will clean it up...... eventually!)

Well you must be wondering why I am writing twice in a day and what an odd title I have put today..

But I figure that this is the most appropriate title for now for I do not know where I am right now in matters of the heart.. 'Unknown Zone'. Much like the last time when I was lamenting about a broken heart and being lied to an etc. Well the same thing has happened all over again... *sigh sigh sigh* I don't know what made me think that I would be okay that things will not be repeated over and over again? What made me think that I was strong enough and capable enough to withstand this thing that I am battling? What made me think that things would be different this time? What made me think these things.. these thoughts?

So here I sit in the back room where I always am, in this unknown zone wishing fervently that I was stupid and naive and that I did not care about the things that I care about, thinking that if maybe I was 'cooler' and more 'understanding' then maybe I wouldn't be in this crap arse mood and situation and I wouldn't be so 'uptight' and 'anal retentive' and 'sensitive' about certian issues.

BUT the fact is I am like that! Plain and simple me still wishing on rainbows and fountains, looking under leaves and flowers for fairys, hoping to see Angels guiding me (obviously at the moment they are on vacation of something), delighted with any little thing that has the ability to make me smile and a host of other simple little things in life that make me.. me.. plain and simple me.

Unknown zone..

My heart tells me a different story, so does my head. So I am torn as I always am. The words of my lecturer Mr M haunts me.. ".. you know as well as I do that this is an endless circle and that things will happen again and again, right?" Bugger him for saying what I feared out aloud.

Unknown zone..
I think that I will take the bus tomorrow to college. Its going to be a long day tomorrow.. the whole day. I will make the best out of it and I will not let 'things' ruin my day, week, or month. I have been thru worse shit than this and I know that I can cross to the other side perhaps with scars and torn wings and the whole lot of gashes on the heart and the whole load of injures one always gets when they are battling with this sort of problems. But as always, the bunny rabbit with butterfly wings will as always fly again.. not so well.. but fly again she will as she always does.

* The little bunny now not only tired and sore, but with torn wings and a bruised heart thinks back to happier sunnier better days and dabs at her some what misty eyes and pads slowly to her room at the top of the stairs, washes her face, dries her little brown eyes and cuddles into bed with her comforter and sleeps like a popiah and wishes and hopes as she always does that her little dreams, wishes, hopes and prayers will come true and that God will bless and watch over all those whom she loves.. The little bunny closes her eyes and sleeps soundly *

Little Bunny's adventures..

* So it was that the little bunny hopped all over the place till she was tired (who wouldn't be tired battling little bugs that annoyed her and having to hop to and fro?) Thus tired and slightly sore, she lay her little head down to rest and was finally at peace with herself and the world, and so finally she began to write *

It has been some time since I last wrote in my little piece of Heaven. My journal, which lies hidden in my room is covered by a fine layer of dust, beckons to me ever so softly to write in it and fill its pages with wonderful stories and adventures. But I have neither the time nor the mood to write on most nights.

This is how my life has been lately.

College, Work at the cafe, Late dinner, Sleep and the latest one.. Training at new restaurant/College, home to shower, work at Bangasr Actors Studio. (woudln't you get tired too?)

Well, I have stopped work at the old cafe in 1 Utama due to a number of reasons:-
a) low pay
b) night shifts
c) have to mop/sweep
d) have to work on weekends
It was a godsend when this new restuarant asked to me to come work for them. (Just for everyone info - I have been asked by 3 restaurants to work for them =) - I think I am a good watiress) This new restaurant opening soon in 1Utama is paying well and is really nice.. their concepts are just like TGIF. I had to even go for training there to be a hostess. Then another godsend came along. G's told a friend who works at a magazine that I was interested in working so she asked me to send my writings to her. I did and I went for an interview and I GOT THE JOB.

So now I am going to start on an internship at this magazines next months. (Thanks so so so much G and G's friend and Possum for brining me there and listening to the whole 'I think I cannot get it' crap!) At the moment I still don't know what day I am going to start and I have not yet told the restaurant people that I woudlnt' be working for them. I feel guilty for leaving cos they keep saying that they are short of staff and etc.(anyone interested in a part time job in F&B line tells me, k?)

Busy Bunny is also working for a few nights at the Actors Studio, Bangsar for front of house - that will be in a seperate blog when I have the time! So yeah.. between these jobs at the old cafe, training in the new restaurant and work at BSC plus college and the odd things I have to attend to in college - writing for the newsletter, writing for my portfolio and etc. I have absolutely no time to do anything.

Last night was wonderful though, I will be free for a few days and have already started enjoying myself. After work at BSC for the night, went with Possum to Alexis (3rd Saturday in a row) and had fun drinking champagne, wine and coffee - bad mix, both were laughing a little much - and playing cards and talking. When I got home, I read a new book that I had rented and was happily reading till my eyes couldn't stay open. Then this morning was awaken by the Possum who was going to pick me up for brunch with his family and some Japanese friends of Possums dad.. yum yum tim sum at Concorde hotel was yum yum!!! So here I sit.. stuffed and happy and relaxed. No work for a few days. College tomorrow.. Show with my friends tonight at the actors studio =) and then happy happy nights reading again... happy happy joy joy!!!

* So it was that the little bunny finished typing about her little adventures and deicded that a hot cup of tea was in order. She turned on the kettle, got out her little saucer and cup, put in a teabag and picked up her book and swicthed Sammi Cheng off and smiled to herself and thought about her wierd little thoughts about the days ahead*

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent, Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Yeah thats how I feel at the moment on this brightly lit afternoon. The blazing disk in the sky only adds to the blatant Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited feelings in me. I am not sure why I am feeling this way yet again. Thought I was over this phase. I guess NOT! Shitters..

I wonder what happened to me? Wasn't I the little fairy that danced and laughed whenever she wanted? Was I not the childish lighthearted one? Wasn't I the one that loved to smile and to make others smile in return? Who cracked jokes which werenn't funny but made others laugh just cos? Why am I just so restless and Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited now? Is this the process of growing up? Because if this is, that I don't really want to grow up.

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited. I just want to go back into Popiah mode. I feel so overdressed and stupid at the moment. I feel like discarding all my clothes and burning everything I own. Everything that bonds me and has a hold on me, that way I have nothing to live for and can leave as and when I want? yeah.. I think things would be simpler than.

* The Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited DreamWeaver goes to light a match but can't find any. Her lighter has also run out of freakin gas.. *sigh*
"Bugger," she says and goes to her room to mope under the covers..


Shostakovitch - Rieu, Andre - The Second Waltz Plays in the background and DreamWeaver imagines herself during the Renaissance dancing in a ridiculous gown which resembles lacy curtains and heavy drapes with gordy tassles.. She spins round and round and round till her head spins and she is not feeling Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited anymore. She just feels the world spinning and spinning and she feels the tummy churning and churning like milk being turned into cheese. DreamWeaver trips over the revoltingly hideous gown, as she is a clumsy person and curls up in a Popiah and sleeps on the cool marble floor.. she is now a Popiah in a gown.

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent, Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Yeah thats how I feel at the moment on this brightly lit afternoon. The blazing disk in the sky only adds to the blatant Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited feelings in me. I am not sure why I am feeling this way yet again. Thought I was over this phase. I guess NOT! Shitters..

I wonder what happened to me? Wasn't I the little fairy that danced and laughed whenever she wanted? Was I not the childish lighthearted one? Wasn't I the one that loved to smile and to make others smile in return? Who cracked jokes which werenn't funny but made others laugh just cos? Why am I just so restless and Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited now? Is this the process of growing up? Because if this is, that I don't really want to grow up.

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited. I just want to go back into Popiah mode. I feel so overdressed and stupid at the moment. I feel like discarding all my clothes and burning everything I own. Everything that bonds me and has a hold on me, that way I have nothing to live for and can leave as and when I want? yeah.. I think things would be simpler than.

* The Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited DreamWeaver goes to light a match but can't find any. Her lighter has run out of freakin gas.. sigh...

ESCAPE for DreamWeaver by Calvin Klein

Scene from 'PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS':
* DreamWeaver (who is always puntual) arrives to class panting and for once is late (The horror! The horror!). She pushes open the door..

DreamWeaver : Hello, Mr K.

Mr K : What time is it?

DreamWeaver : Ahhh.. time. Its about 9.46am I think.. (gives a blur look)

Mr K : What time does class start?

DreamWeaver : Uhhh.. 8.30am?

Mr K : You are late. Why bother coming for class then?

DreamWeaver : 'Cos I love this class and I think you are the best lecturer in the whole world (said with innocent face)

Mr K : (in a stern voice) I am going to fail you. Sit down!

DreamWeaver : Sorrylah. Atleast I came right......

* DreamWeaver proceeds to sit down. Mr K then continues the lecture..

Mr K : Since we have finished chapter 5 we are all set for the mid terms. Any questions?

DreamWeaver : Why we never study chapter 3 and 4?

*There is a sharp nudge from a friend who sits on the left of DreamWeaver.

Mr K : Have you been asleep in class ah? We have done all the chapters.

DreamWeaver : Sure ah?

*Another sharp nudge from friend who confirms what Mr K said..

DreamWeaver : Shites.. no way!! DIelah

* DreamWeaver digs into huge school bag (which looks like a huge back packers bag) and tries to locate public speaking text book but remembers that she can't bring it to class cos it is a photocopied one (she tried to save a few books and photocopied the book). She sighs.. and buries her face in her hands...

DreamWeaver : I hate MONDAYS!!!

Scene from 'WESTERN CIVILIZATION CLASS':
* An hour later after the last class, DreamWeaver is scared cos she didn't study for a World Religion quiz and hopes the lecturer forgets entirely about the freakin quiz. Her other classmates file into the class and she wonders.. 'HMMM.. how come Jim the Fairy is in world religions.'
Then it strikes her.. it is not World Religions today. It is Western Civ..

DreamWeaver : Bugger it! (she mutters to herself)

* Mr M comes into class and asks everyone some questions regarding the last class.

Mr M : So what is the answer woman? (I forgot the question!)

DreamWeaver : Not sure.. (blur look)

Mr M : Well then take out your bloody text book and look it up.

DreamWeaver : Urmm... no text book sir. Mixed up classes.. (sheepish look)

Mr M : Gawd Woman! Where is your head?

DreamWeaver : (says under her breath)On my neck..

Mr M: What did you say?

DreamWeaver : I said I was sorry

* Mr M continues to drone on about Ancient Eygpt whilst DreamWeaver fiddles with pen and doodles on scraps of paper.. Time ticks on.......


That is how my Monday went and every other day that I go to college is something like that as well though more often then not the scoldings are more severe.. *sigh*

An ESCAPE.. that is what I need.

An ESCAPE to some place for awhile. An ESCAPE to rid this boredom that bores down on me making me feel like I am walking and dragging my feet with some kind of yolk on it. Bugger it!

I used to wish for someone to save me but now all I want to do is ESCAPE..

* DreamWeaver just sits staring at the monitor and lists the things that she has to do in her mind

DreamWeaver : Bugger it! (she flicks the power swicth off)

* Thinking my Thoughts *

What is a thought? Have you ever wondered about that?
I was just thinking the other day about me and my thoughts and how I tend to think about things. What things you wonder, well anything really..... Things which have nothing to do with me and things that have everything to do with me.
So I sit and I wonder and ponder about things and I think about all these thoughts drifting thru my mind and I can't really sift them through one by one cos there are too many of them floating in and out of my mind and to sit my bum down and write them all out would take some time. Time which sadly I am lacking of.
I think to myself that maybe I can find time today or tomorrow or the day after that to do the things I want to do. To try and write down all my thoughts and all that I am thinking about.. but the days fly pass me unknowingly and I seem to just sit and stare at the clock face wondering, what day is today and thoughts fly pass me again haunting me and taunting me with their sadden sometimes joyful melody singing... 'another day goes by what have you done that you said you would do?'
And I saddened by the knowledge that I have done nothing I set out to do thinks that maybe I should try harder again tomorrow but in my thoughts I know that in the end it would be just the same old thing all over again... Of course I can change for the better I think, and really start to shedule out the really important things in life... but thats a whole new story and thought all together and I am not sure if I want to venture there just yet. *some what sheepish grin*
So there I go again with my thoughts and my thinking which invariably leads me no where. The one thought that flows thru my mind as I snatch this precious few seconds that I have is that, 'why do I do the things I do knowing the outcome of it all in the end?'
Yeah the thoughts still keep flowing thru my mind and honestly where would I be without this thoughts that comfort me and keep me company when I am alone, or when I am sandwiched in a bus, crammed like sardines in a too small can.. or how about those nights when I am sad and fell all shitty and need some cheering up to do? Yeah those thoughts sure do come in handy I tells you... I just know that I wouldn't be the person I am today wihtout them thought lurking in my mind....
So here I go again.. saying goodbye rather quickly still thinking my thoughts and thinking about those thoughts and the thoughts before that and that thoughts that are to come......

P.S: Dear Angelus, Here is more food for thought than Popiah and Papayas.. *grin*

Popiah

Its raining and I should be asleep like a popiah all rolled up cosily now because I have work later and I know that I will be tired later if I don't sleep.. but why am I here typing when the rain is pouring and my bed is calling? Why? I guess I miss writing.. I haven't the time nor the inspiration. Sigh.. bad combo I swear. Maybe I do have time.. but I have other things to attend to.. double sigh. I tore my apron the other day.. not sure why I am writing that down. Anyways, for those loyal readers of my sadly-empty-lacking pictures-simple blog of mine.. I am still alive (did I hear someone sigh?)and am going to fill this blog like I used to.. I hope.........

A Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
become a great writer.

When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world will read, stuff that people will react on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in
pain, desperation and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.



When I read that it made me wonder.. will I ever be a great writer such as he..??? (ON second thought.. nah!!!)

Bits of crap

Please just spare me your crap
I have had enough of that
Take your shite and your silly ass crack
Hide it, throw it, flush it or you will get a bloody smack
If it makes you happy than do what you must
You go ahead and piss me of and burn my fragile trust
I don't want to stab myself anymore
My heart is just torn, broken, ugly and sore
And honestly I think I shall weep no more......

The Spirit of 'Merdeka'

“Merdeka” has come and it has gone and for the first time in my life, I actually felt some sort of patriotic feelings stir inside me, which I have to honestly admit feels pretty strange. The fact that our country has had 47 years of independence never really mattered much to me to be honest, after all I wasn’t born during those ‘olden days’.

I did not know what it was like to live in a country which was ruled by forces other than our own. I did not see what was going on in our country at that time. I did not see the silent tears that fell from many eyes. I did not see the sad faces or the blank looks or horror and shock, nor could I ever imagine the fear permeating every corner. I can not smell the death and destruction that followed nor can I taste the bitterness and sorrow that others must have felt. The only thing I can do is probably to try my best to picture it all, but I think I could never conjure up a clear or good enough scenario in my mind.

I used to hear stories from my grandmother and bits and pieces from my relatives or parents. Not many people wanted to talk about what had happened, and for me I really didn’t mind. It was after all, history for me and I never wanted to look back and reminiscence about all those ‘olden days’; days which I had no part in and didn’t want any part in really… I only wanted to look towards the future at what was to come.

Those days of my childish ignorance have long gone. I see the past as something important for me and I believe all of us as well. ‘Sejarah’ during my school days was one of the most feared subjects; actually it was one of the most boring ones. I could never memorize all the facts and dates and names which sounded so horribly similar. To me history was dead and I wanted no part of it.

I wouldn’t say that I am a great historian now, nor will I say that some brilliant light shone upon me and I picked up the long forgotten ‘Sejarah’ texts and devoured them hungrily. Instead, I realized this great pride and happiness for our country. I now see the wonderful things that our country has done and how we are all living together in harmony, in the spirit of ‘muhibbah’, free from wars and other natural disasters that we see on the television. I see all the good things that our country has to offer and my heart swells with pride.

I would say that it all started a few days before Merdeka when I spoke to a foreigner I was working with. He worked long hours and was given quite crappy pay I have to say. I on the hand worked half the hours he worked, received more pay than he did and complained about it more than he ever would. He told me stories about his country, the poverty, the wars, the unemployment and he commented that I was lucky that I lived in Malaysia. No one had ever said that to me before. I guess in many ways the things that he made so much sense to me and I was honestly shy and embarrassed after that. Why? When was the last time you were thankful you lived in Malaysia? Did you ever say that you were proud of everything that Malaysia has achieved and done? I would have to pause and rack my brains for a good enough answer.

So on the eve of Merdeka, for the first time in my life, I went to celebrate our country’s independence. I went with throngs of people to Ikano Power Centre to join in the celebrations and was there at 11.50pm anxiously waiting for the fireworks to begin. When it came I was awed at the beautiful lights that dazzled the nights sky, even the brilliant full moon was no match for the wonderful display of magic in store for us. People were just staring in awe and delight at the colours and patterns emblazing the velvet night sky. I was transfixed and I thought to myself, how lucky are we to be here to listen to the gigantic booms and seeing this wonderful sight unfold in front of our very eyes. How lucky we were that we were in a safe country and the only booms we heard were not the booming of bombs, but the sound of fireworks.

I said a prayer for our country as the glittering lights faded into nothingness in the night’s sky. I prayed that we would all never taste the bitterness of war ever again and that we would all join hands to work together for a better future. I prayed for wisdom for out leaders, and I prayed for understanding and love amongst all Malaysians. Call me sappy, but as I heard the all familiar chant of “Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!” I felt the pinpricks of tears misting my eyes. I was happy to be in Malaysia and to be called a Malaysian.

The case of the Good Day..

Today has been a surprisingly good day. I have to say that with the amount of bad shitty days I have had this month, today really makes everything that was shitty and bad, not so shitty and bad. Honestly it makes everything seem fuzzy and smiley and wonderful. *sigh* if only all days were as such. Almost everything seemed to go right today, like it fit. So, you must be wondering what has got me all happy since three quarters of the time I am bitching about how unfair or how sad and miserable my life is.. (What to do, I am human after all!) Today is a rare threat. I am smiling from ear to ear (Yes, a smile that can melt atleast 2 peoples heart - what an achivement!) whilst I type this and am just happily savouring the moment. =) *grin*

Yeah, so this morning.. I woke up on time for once and didn't have to rush to get the bus. I didn't want to wake up the Possum as Possum's generally like their rest and prove insane when disturbed from their slumber. So I packed my huge arse bag complete with 4 text books (what a nerd) and went down for breakfast of a handful of cereal. To my delight, me mums had cooked some yummy pasta thingy with chicken and sausages.. yumyum.. so I got to eat a REAL breakfast *note that it has been some time since I last ate a REAL breakfast!* I consumed the food with much joy and proceeded to walk to the old faitful bus top to get the wonderful 99 Metro bus, but me bro said "STOP, YOU WANT A LIFT?" Whoppie!!! Never have I turned down a ride from someone cos I really dont' like to take buses, especially when I tote around 4 text books and a MASSIVE bag.

Into the car I went happily lugging the Massive bag behind me and all too soon we were at stamford.. So out of the car I went lugging the bag and trying my hardest to balance all the books and up the stairs I went. I reached the computer lab and dumped all the stuff on the floor and went online to check me mails. There were few that I was happy to recieve and another which froze my blood for a bit. THE RESULTS... I opened the email and the document and was so happy when I saw the results.. I was grinning from ear to ear when my friend broke me out of this little 'blur' I was in and said that we were late for class, so I had to hurry and gather the books and bags and log out from the net. So out we went rushing for the lift and I met the admin person and she asked me if I had seen the results yet and I said 'yeah' and she said "Congrats you are on the deans list!" I said 'oh' and said I was late for class and stumbled along with the books and the massive bag whilst in my head I was shouting, WHOPPEEEE!!!

YES.. finally after much writing and moaning about how shitty it was that I didn't get the deans list last sem (read my posts from last time), I finally manage to be in it. *grin* Besides that, (I will shorten the days events as some people find it difficult to read long and boring posts that I write) I also got asked to be in a print ad for Stamford and was commended by the communications director on my article which will be published in the Stamford newsletter. So yes, it has been a good day. I also followed the Possum to fix his windscreen glass and we went to Tesco together (such domesticated bliss) and had Sushu King.. yum yum.. lil octopus'es!!

I also got a ride home from college with my brother and didn't need to wait for the bus, (thank God) as its going home time and the bus is worse than a tin of sardines, more like a plate of spagetthi. Possum is still stuck in a jam even as I type, thats why I didn't get transport in the first place, but luckily me bro was around 223 so he picked me up. So here I am.. happy as a lark. (dont' know why they say that, do larks smile?) Well.. I have got some emails to reply and some dinner to consume (mums food again -yums) and then I go of to watch Alien VS Predator.. ho hum!

*Thank You God for everything blessed that we have today and every other day and those days when we forget and just can't see that each and everything is really really blessed in some little way..

~ DreamWeaver is still grinning as she types this, if you happen to see her, you would think she was slightly insane, but no matter.. this is what happens on Good Days..... ~

Just A Recap

Almost half the day is gone and I find myself looking forward to just going home and chilling, to be more precise, I want to go home, have something to eat, on the air-con in my room, get out my books and then curl up like a worm and sleep wrapped up in a cocoon made up of my comforter and snuggle up and read the book.. eventually I will fall asleep and that would be excellent.
Once again my head is pounding to the interesting beat of the Chinese techno music and I really want to just use one of my pillows (the Possum cloud one) and cover my head in hopes that the idiot pounding will stop. Why the pounding you ask? Well, last night after a gruelling 7 hours something of work (and a half an hour break in front of an enormous aquarium munching Arnotts biscuits) I went with my new colleagues to some dinky, smells like cockroaches little pub where you can throw the sunflower seed shells on the floor to celebrate a farewell party for one of the cooks. I didn't want to go really, but thought about it again and decided that it would be better to interact and mix with my new colleagues so that it would be better when we interact at work. The night went well, which explains the pounding in my head now. Possum was not pleased when I reeked of ciggie smokes and whiskey (hehehe.. now Possum knows how I feel).
Honestly, I am rather tired these days and haven't spent much time at home. Just 2 weeks ago I was deathly bored of staying home, moaning about how sick I was and having nothing to do.. and now I find that I have too much do and no time for the simple things in life that I used to enjoy. I have to admit that during this time, I learnt alot not only about myself but about others as well. How they survived and moved on in this world, how people really are, how your friends really treat you when you need help and etc.
These things play around in my mind even now as I sit here in the computer lab and write in between classes. It has been on my mind all this time (since I found out about anyways) and I wonder what I can do to help and cope with these things. No, they are not like killing me and I am not worried about it, but I cant help but wonder and think somemore. Its good though, atleast I can think about these sorts of things when I am in the bus or waiting for the bus - keeps me fairly occupied.
If you read my blog and are keeping up with my little life, then you would know that I wasn't exactly blogging very often and there has been the 'lost' of many things in my life.. I wouldn't say that all the things have been found, though atleast there is a hint, a sort of glimmer of hope I guess regarding the finding of all things lost. Sure not all things can be found again, but atleast some of them are, and for that I am ever grateful and happy and blessed to say the least.
I am also so very thankful that I have had so many wonderful friends with me to get me thru this time of searching (no matter how small, I still remember 'em) whether they leave wonderful comments on my blog (thanks Angelus), or if they buy me food and drinks and have hangouts in the park with me (thanks Shaun), or if they chat with me on MSN during the day (thanks Michelle), or if they lepak with you and talk to you again and again and hear over and over about what happend and watch wierd movies with you and wait for ages while you go for an impromtu interview for your job (thanks Nic), or if they go and yum cha with you and just waste the days away with you just cos.. (thanks G), or if they send you SMS' to tell you to smile cos you have a half way decent smile (thanks Jer).. for those of you that I have not mentioned, sincerest apologies. Thanks for your concern on my well being, it really has touched my heart in many ways.
I have to go now.. wish I could write more. There is so much that I want to upload and unload.. hehehe.. sounds so corny. Anyways, just wanted to say 'thanks' and to wish everyone a wonderful week. I am trying desperately still to get the pounding out of my head.. =) hopefully it goes away soon. God bless all of you and I will hopefully write mores.. Keep the comments comings.. Buhbyes..*

Empty

I sit here in front of the PC, looking all lady like with the makeup and dress and I feel like I am sort of lovely decorated present on the outside.. but inside I am empty, I am hollow and I am just so so empty..

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?

Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?

Light a candle..

Every Sunday or Saturday (depending when I go for mass) for as long as I can remember, I have been lighting candles at church. I am not sure when i started nor the real sybolism for doing so. For me, and I think many others, we see the act of lighting candles to be a sign of hope, of better things to come. For in the darkness, light brings hope and symbolizes comfort. So I suppose along with my prayers, I light candles.

I am not sure if this was a coincidence, I believe it is not.. but when I went to Camerons earlier this year for a church youth camp, I had the strangest experience. I was passing a grotto of Our Lady (Mother Mary), and I wanted to light a candle, but I didn' have any with me. Everyone had already left the church and was heading back to the hostel when suddenly something told me to look to the left of the statue and lo and behold, there were 3 candles there. I was so happy and lit them hurriedly as it was getting dark and I was alone (yeah I am a wimp!)Anyways, the whole experience was wonderful and I had a really peaceful time there praying at the grotto with 3 candles shinning brightly in the ever growing darkness.

Those of you who already know the circumstances in my life and has kept close tabs on me during this 'strange' phase of my life, thank you from the bottom of my heart. For those of you who have no idea, it is ok. The reason for all this talk about candles and hope is because I need that now more then ever.. Hope. Something so elusive, something that everyone strives to hold on to..

Things are looking up for me, yet as I have mentioned in the other blogs, nothing is the same. Its like this painting which is smeared which needs restoration to get back to its former beauty. So, perhaps what I need is more hope that in time, the painting will be as it was before, or maybe even better than before. Hope.. I cling to it so desperately.. I need another miracle I thinks..

Light a candle,
Keep it burning for me..
Offer to the night a thousand rosaries
Light a candle,
Keep it burning for me..
To shine me home at the end of this lonely road ..
Someone please come save me..
Someone please pray for me..

Extra Butterfly Wings for you ~

I am sitting here typing in the back room with the stark flourescent light shining, hurting my eyes. I turned off the air con cos for some weird reason I actually feel cold. I am not sure why I am not out like I always am, I guess things are changing for me yet again. I got my new time table, I got a new job, I got an A for General Psych class, I got a new soap dish (its pink in the shape of a fish).. but I lost you.

I am sitting here typing in the back room, chatting with people whom I havent spoken to in awhile and it makes me grin this little grin, a neither happy grin nor a dismal grimace. Met a friend from my old secondary school today.. we never really talked I guess cos she was a miss popular and I was the wierd nerd creature.. but we talked today after years of not. It was nice - I was grinning and felt fuzzy though the fuzziness didn't last very long as I sank back to earth on that red cushioney seat.

Totally out of context, You know what.. my faith in you has lessened and I find myself clutching at torn whispers hoping that this time, once more, things will be different. I am missing you even as I type and as I think of you.. willing the silent phone to ring, but it does not.. So I am moving on.. things change.. people change, or maybe you just didn't know them to begin with. I so hate my ramblings and how my thoughts get so jumbled and mixed up.. but then again, its just me.

Classes are starting, work will take up most of my free time..then there is church and chores.. So yeah.. I guess I am going to move on instead of waiting like I always do. You know where to find me if you need a friend, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to make you smile.. I just wanted to hear your voice and have your blessing so to say, about everything that has happened. I guess in some ways, I will still wait for that.. on the other hand, You know that I will always be here, waiting for you at the edge of the rainbow with my Butterfly wings in hand (yes, there will always be an extra pair for you). I miss you.. I really do.

Its just not my day..

Am sad, Am blue
There is nothing much to say
My trust and heart has been broken
My handphone has been stolen
Its just not my day..

My Girl Friends

I have honestly never had many girlfriends. I am not sure why but I used to envy those bunches of girls that used to hang out all the time. Sure I had my group as well, many groups at that, but some how I never really opened myself up to them, mainly out of fear or perhaps I was just too wary and careful in my own little way. I guess I find it difficult in some ways to talk to girls cos they seem to judge you even before they know your whole story and tend to be more competitive of everything. It really bugs me about that. Perhaps that is why I tend to have more guy friends than girl friends. People thinks that I am 'gatal' but I guess I have come to this stage where I don't hear what others say anymore cos there is always bound to be one person who will condemn me for nothing in particular that I have done.

Thankfully I have got quite a number of them wonderful girl friends now. Really wonderful people whom I can call at any hour of the night to moan and bitch about how unfair life is or how ugly and shitty I look that particular day and stress about the way things have turned out. It is to them that I reveal all the little shitty details of my life that to my guy friends seem totally insignificant and albeit trivial. "I love you" said the Possum (in no way is that related to what I wanted to stress about the wonders of girl friends)

But think about it really, who can stand talking on the phone for a good 3 hours about the injustice of life and the "difficult" days we have thanks to bad hair days and pimple outbreaks. Who can go on and on about why "guys are just like thatlah..." and complain and site numerous examples of girls in simillar situations. Those nights listening as we bitch and ponder about God or about life is also very eye opening, those conversations about sex and many accompanying tales of related topics also make me smile now as I recall them.

So this brings me back to the topic of my Girl Friends.. what can I say? Even if they live a few continents away, they live near my house or if I only see them once in a really blue moon, it doesn't matter..... they are really wonderful people who not only love you because of your eccenticities, your snorts, the way you can make silly jokes when they cry thus forcing them to laugh but because they understand you and care for you nontheless. They are the type to call when you need to unload, to bug you with SMS' about what happened until you finally give in and tell them what "really happened", to loan you money when you really need to buy something, to send you wicked emails, send you really funny cards on seemingly normal days, give you surprise gifts, leave flowers in your post box because you needed cheering up and a whole lot of things that my wonderful guy friends will never do just because they are men.

It is almost feeding time and I should stop typing.. and proceed to read again whilst I wait for the fooods (am at Possums again), my parents are working late again. Dearest, girl friends of mine, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there, for listening, for the laughs, for the rides, for the smiles and thoughtfulness.. if you sometimes feel that I don't really appreciate you all and favor the guys more than you all, I apologize but you are sorely mistaken. There are so many things that they will never come close to sharing with me. I love you all and can't wait to see you all again. Life is all taking us down different roads and most of you all are working already, but know that no matter what I will be here for you just as I am sure you will be there for me when I need you all. Miss you all heaps. So here is a whole load of huggssss and kissessss (the normal ones of course) from me to you all.... XOXOXO, God bless and Angels watch over you..

Strangest Feelings..

I saw this photo of someone I knew, though that person has ceased to exist in my life (no that person isn't dead - but sure feels like it), and for some unknown I was overcome with his strangest feeling of sadness..? of longing..? of missing..? I don't know how to describe it and I doubt any dictionary would have the word I need.

It got me momentarily shocked so much so I only jumped out of the reverie when I heard the phone ring.. I don't know how much time passed whilst I stared at the photo, I don't know actually what I was thinking to be honest. Just the strangest of feelings kept washing over me.. like I remember the person but I don't.. and in some ways I think thats how it is. I knew that person and now I don't..

I picked up the phone, still staring at the photo and I don't remember what I said, just continued staring at the photo transfixed still.. After while longer staring at something so profoundly numbing to my mind, I closed the window and the photo was gone. I think I am happy that its gone, so that the face doesn't haunt me anymore, but who am I kidding. Now even as I type this I can see the face ever so clear in my mind, whispering to me and taunting me. I think I will go and read now.. before I end, I just want to say that "yes, I miss you too.."

* Being 21 *

I am now Twenty One.. and if I keep saying that to myself, maybe then I would start realizing the complexity of the situation. What is so confusing you might wonder? Well you see it’s like this, I am an adult now. An adult.. gee.. even writing this is scaring me silly. I guess being 21, is like a wake-up call, you aren’t a child, a teenager, or a young adult… you ARE an adult. You are legal, you have the keys to freedom.. hmmm.. don’t remember getting a key on my birthday though..

Anyways, there was one afternoon when I realized that 3 years have passed since I got home from my student exchange program, 4 years since I have left high school, and 8 years since I have left primary school.. sorry, I think I was rather bored that day.

Nevertheless, it got me thinking about all the changes that have happened to me through these many stages of my life. I have started realizing that there are a lot of things about myself that I didn’t know about and come to think of it, may not even like. So I start to feel slightly insecure and wonder where I will be in a year or two and then get scared because I barely know where I am now. When I was in primary school I wanted to be a piano teacher and I never reached grade 6; In secondary school I wanted to be a lawyer, though that was before I realized how many books, facts and cases you have to memorize.. And now I am in the communications line and I think.. Do I really want to do this?

And then I start to think about people in general, how they are not all good and kind and helpful as I once believed them to be. Out there in this world, perhaps even round the corner there are some really selfish and down right mean people, people that would use probably use me and then chuck me aside when they are done with me. Then there are those friends who I thought were so close to me, who really are not exactly the greatest bunch of people that I have ever met, though I was too wrapped up in my own little world to realize that. (I mean sure everyone is fighting his or her own battles, but please give me a break!)

This also brings to mind though, the wonderful people that I have had lost touch with or had falling outs with, the people who once played a big role in my life whom I have forgotten and also the people that have stuck by me though all the ups and the downs in my life, who have been there for me at 4 am in the morning when I needed to hear one more time that “everything would be ok”, the ones that brought me food and comfort on days when I was sick and miserable. More importantly, I have also come to realize how important God and my family are in my life, the very foundation of my life and existence.

There are also times when I begin to reminiscence about the good old days; days when I was young and naïve days when I used to believe in Santa Claus, fairies, pixies, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and the whole lot of those whimsical fairy-like things. I remember that life was so magical then, anything could happen if I only believed it.. (I still believe that they do exist though that is entirely another story) I remember all the things I have done, the people that I have met and the places that I have been to. The loved ones that I have lost, the heartaches, the trials and tribulations and of course the wonderful happy memories and moments that can still bring tears of absolute joy to my eyes and of course a hell of a good laugh coupled with a snort.

I am also beginning to understand myself more and I have come to realize what I want and don’t want in life. My opinions have gotten stronger and I stand up for the things I believe in. I also know that sometimes in life there are some things, which I have to do simply because there is just no other way, and though that may suck big time, that is the way life is. There was a time when I used to cloud out the bad and ugly things in the world and see only the wonderful and beautiful things, but now I have begun to see things as they are and not as I want them to be. I see all the pain and the joy, the poverty and the greed, the sadness hopes and broken dreams all around me. There are times when I laugh and cry just because I feel like it (try it, its good for the soul apparently) and there are also times when I feel alone and scared and confused.

I also have the tendency to worry about everything under the sun and on other times I feel like I don’t have a care in the world. I now also see that change is an enemy and I try to cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize the past is drifting further and further away from me, slipping through my fingers like sand and there is nothing I can do but stay where I am or move forward because without change I cannot progress.. this is all so confusing at times; it is difficult to let go of all that you once knew but again I have also learnt that sometimes in life it is not the holding on that makes one strong, it is the letting go.

And now after all this rattling on about me being 21, and all the experiences in my life and all this confusing thoughts passing through my mind, I realize that perhaps this is the best and worst time in my life and I am still trying as hard as I can to figure out this whole thing. I know I am still as this junction in my life where I am trying to find some sort of meaning, some direction.. Perhaps I am even hoping for some divine intervention type thing to fall from the Heavens telling me that YES this is the way… this is what you should do. But there hasn’t been a huge sign in the sky, not even a speck to say the least. But I am not worried about it now… I am savoring every moment I get. I may sound all weird and confused, I dare see sort of bimbo-ish, but I have realized now that no one has a perfect life, that everyone’s life full of ups and downs like a see-saw and so why should I pretend to have a prefect, clear cut life? Life is how you make it to be we have to write out own stories and chart out own course. So cheers and good luck to all those 21 year olds who are the gates of adult hood.. Enjoy.. I sure am!

* P.S: This was supposed to be the article that should have been published..sigh!!!

I can explain...

Its early in the morning and I feel sick.. gawd! Why am I bitching on this glorious morning? Well look in the Star papers, todays edition and there in the normal Youth2 section you can find my face along with the other half in it.. THAT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! gawd.. Lets see what else is not supposed to happen: -
a) The picture of me was supposed to be cropped..
b) The picture of me wasn't supposed to have idiot captions which tell the whole of freaking Malaysia that I only remember my first real relationship and my first real kiss..
c) The stupid article that they interviewed me about in the first place didn't bloody come out
d) Instead they put an edited piece of the interview in which highlighted idiot nonsense making me sound
- OLD
- DUMB
- BLONDE
- VERY BLONDE
e) Gawd.. what the hell.. the whole reason I agreed to the interview was because of the piece I wrote and gawd, the piece is not even published (sure its not some great literary piece and all that, but still you know..)
f) I think the other half is not to pleased to see the photo in the papers since he thinks he looks bad in it and I never even told him about him
g) What would my relatives and friends think? (SHUDDER! - Have half a mind to switch the phone off, been getting heaps of SMS' already)
h) What would my parents think??? (double shudder! - thank God they don't open the papers till later, oh.. but knowing thier friends, they will probably tell them bout it anyways)
i) I FEEL CHEATED AND EMBARRASSED
j) I FEEL CHEATED AND EMBARRASSED
k) I FEEL CHEATED AND EMBARRASSED
l) did I mention that I FEEL CHEATED AND EMBARRESSED


Yes, what a way to wake up on a Wednesday morning.. The other half just called and he hasn't seen the papers yet, though I told him about it and the photo, stressing that it was supposed to be cropped.. sigh...

And geee.. what happened to all the nice buttons that I had on the other computers? I don't have any rich text tools, so this will all be in black.. then again, great.. cos it fits my mood just fine.. ARGHHH!!!

http://203.115.194.76/purplesofa/story.asp?file=/2004/8/11/psofa/7870523&sec=psofa

Gawd.. its online as well..
just die.. (I shrivel up in a ball and die..)

Okay, I am a drama queen.. so sue me! This is the crisis of the week you know. (yes my life doesn't get more difficult than this at the moment - the holidays are that boring!)
So think about the good part, think about the good part... hmm... think about the good part.. ok.. if I was an advertised I would save some money as my picture and column is coloured (yeah saves cash!)........ hmm..... yeah........ publicity whether good or bad is good....... (which idiot said that in the first place?)

This is useless.. I feel dumb even writing this down.. but gawd.. this is like such a blow. I really wanted my article to come out and it didn't. Makes me feel like some idiot I tell you.. arghhh!!! Sorry but I just feel like venting.. I am not sure if anyone understands but when something doesn't turn out the way you want it too and tons of pepople see it.. well the feeling ain't so great!
I think I am going to go and watch a VCD now.. atleast it will help me get my mind of things.. but then again who am I kidding??

On a lighter note.. anyone wants the page autographed??

Betty Crocker I am NOT!

Today I tried to do something nice for Possum since it seems that I never get to do anything for him.. so I decided to cook him breakfast. I am not feeling well, so cooking was some what difficult task considering that I already can't cook for nuts whether I am well or not. So I woke up at 8.30am and began the task of cooking.. and it was one of the most difficult things that I had to do in awhile.. yes yes... please stop laughing.. cooking is not thing that I am capable of doing. You might me wondering what was on the menu, what great dishes I had in store for Possum and me.. well... (drumroll please..) Scrambled eggs, Sausages and Bacon.. yes.. that was all and it took me forever to cook them and well since I was sick, I could't taste anything so I wasn't sure what the taste was like.. *sigh* Well, Possum was very happy when he came, and was touched that I took the troubled to undertake such an adventurous task like cooking for him. Asked him how his food tasted and he commented and said that there wasn't any taste, except one.. and it started with L... hehehe.. how corny. But yeah, I think that will be my last cooking thingy for awhile..

After breakfast, Possum left for college and I was just online checking mails and then I read some of my books and watched a VCD.. and just lamed about. When he finsihed with college, we went to 1Utama to have tea and get some groceries.. (Gawd.. doesn't this scene sound so domestic - it does for me even as I type this down and in some ways its wonderful, but on another entirely different level, I am scared..) Went to his place to play a few games of hyperbowl before going for dinner with my folks (Dad's birthday) and while I was sitting down in the dining hall, the mum gave me a Bonia handbag that she bought for me.. I was surprised but was happy that she even thought of me, much less bought me something.. by the way the bag is nice =) *grin*

Dinner with my folks was good. Possum actually gets along very well with them, even with my brother. After dinner we went back to Possums to play afew more rounds of Hyperbowl and while we played there was one time when I was laughing at something that Possum said that I fell of my chair which provoked more laughter and wheezing on my part.. as for Possum he had a jolly good time laughing about it.. gawd.. so embaressing.. but then again I am used to it - being laughed at for my silly antics.. oh well..

So all in all I guess it was a productive day though at the end of it I felt super sick and just wanted my bed. Abducted Possum's super comfortable pillow (which really feels like a cloud) for my own - and it is mine now! Yipeee!!! Yeah nothing much to write.. so like narrative - arghh... Going to go and sleep nows... nites nites.. I am gonna sleep on a cloud tonight...

Waiting...

Waiting...

It seems that everyone of us is waiting. Waiting for ...... just something?
Everywhere I look or turn, I see someone waiting so much so that waiting has become such an integral part of our lives.

Waiting.. waiting with patience for something or someone to show me the right path.. the right road to take, the right words to say, the right things to do... I am not sure when my prayers will be answered, Not sure when there will this blinding light of divine providence from Heaven... Not sure about anything really...
So what do I do? I wait...
I am waiting for a call, a sign (ppl say that there are omens and signs everywhere), an SMS... something.. NIL.. the phone does not ring or beep, the signs and omens if there are any are blur or clouded over and I cant see them.
So I keep on doing that thing I always do...
Waiting...
Waiting...
Waiting...

The Sweetest Things...

~ Sweetest things I remember ~

* Having a hand to hold when you are sick
* Sleeping like spoons under the comforters in a freezing room
* Sharing ice cream cones
* Having someone look at your while you sleep and upon waking up, it is them that you see when you open your eyes and you hear them say "Just was thinking how much I love you..."
* Sharing the best bits of food together
* Having someone to hold all your stuff for you when you go shopping
* Getting little surprises each day
* Having a surprise breakfast in bed
* Having one day trips out of the blues
* Hugsss when you are sick
* Smiles when you are sad
* Someone singing songs to you (eventhough it hardly sounds like the original song)
* Watching movies together with beer and whisky in the cinema
* Playing hyperbowl like some wierdos with nasi lemak and soya bean for snacks
* Shopping for fishes and having someone to debate about the fishes and animals
* Sharing chuppa chups
* Having someone break the crab claws for you and giving you all the flesh
* Having someone who can immitate the cartoons voices
* Dancing in the moonlight and under the stars
* Having someone ride the monorail with you and actually enjoy it
* Watching foreign films together
* Driving to and from school everyday to pick you and send you home
* Doing chores with you
* Going for mass together and lighting candles in the dark
* Counting the stars at night and trying to find constellations

(I am in a sappy mood now - really think that this is because of the strepsils and earl grey which I am dilligently taking - overdose I reckon!!!)

+ In My Shoes +

Just for one day, can you step into my shoes?

Can you live the life I lead?

Can you heal and mend this heart of mine that bleeds?

Just for one hour, can you step into my shoes?

Can you see the pain and misery?

Can you help build my life again and save my family?

Just for one minute, can you step into my shoes?

Can you see all around me the death, disaster and starvation?

Can you give me something to eat, awake the dead and send me medication?

Just for one minute, can you step into my shoes?

Can you hear the screams I hear?

Can you feel the pain I feel?

Can you taste this empty hunger?

Can you stop those that maim and kill?

Can you stop to think and ponder

About all this abounding horror?

Can you please...

Please step in my shoes and know how I feel

And if you can't pray that we will find a Savior......

~ From an MSN chat room ~

* RedSugar * says:
NO... I don't want to be like that...

* RedSugar * says:
Don't you see?

* RedSugar * says:
I am tired of waiting for the arms of someone to hold me and comfort me, to cheer up my days, to hang out with me, to send me flowers, to make me feel special, to make me happy...

* RedSugar * says:
I just want to be able to stand alone and be happy of my own accord and not need someone to be the sole source of my happiness or the reason why I am the way I am, You understand?

* RedSugar * says:
Sure its great to have someone with you, to make your days seem brighter and everything seem so wonderful, to take you out on date nights, to make you smile when you are sad and etc...

* RedSugar * says:
But then when you think about it, nothing is for certain - I mean look at the numerous relationships that I have had.. all of them failed (sadly) and its not some game that I play. Its not all fun and games you know. It sucks when you put your heart on the line and it gets broken and trampled on along the way. (Sure this relationship that I have is great, but then who is to say that it will work out?)

* RedSugar * says:
I can't build my life on him, on a relationship that may or may not work out. Nothing can be guaranteed in life and I just want to be able to stand alone and need no one, so that if I fall, there will be no one to blame but myself and I will be able to heal better.. I want to be able to do things on my own, for my own self... To get back on my feet sooner because as I have learnt, a broken heart is no easy thing to mend I tell you.

* RedSugar * says:
You know what, I want to be independent to say I did it on my own. I don't want to sit up and wait for someone to call, or someone to be with me. I don't want to think where is he tonight? What is he doing? Who is he with? And get all paranoid and needy about it...

* RedSugar * says:
I am sick of needing people in that way, sick of needing something to fill up this empty spaces inside of me...

# RedSugar is still in the process of needing someone though this "Needy" sickness of hers lessens even as you read this...... Please pray for a speedy recovery or a cure!

Ramblings of an Old Froggie..

As I sit here sipping my steaming hot Earl Grey tea, I can't help but feel old. Everyone else is asleep and I can't cos my lungs and throat hurt like no ones business and I know that when I do eventually get to bed, I will still be coughing and sounding ever like a frog. It seems as if I cannot talk properly and everyone I talk to laugh when they hear me, some say its sexy (though I know its for solely my self-esteem that they say this things so that I don't dwell in this murky little hole of depression) though Possum breaks out in laughter everytime I speak to him and my folks ask me to repeat myself like 20 times before they know what I am trying to say.. Gosh! At this rate I will really lose my voice... (Hey stop cheeringlah!)

I have been feeling really lethargic and I just want to do so many things as this is the holidays that I have been looking forward to since June and now that its here, I am not enjoying it at all. Possum says that today (later today) we will do something fun, but I feel too tired to do anything like shop or bowl or whatever... arghh!!! I just want to get better and go on a holiday.. but everyone is working or studying or busy with their own stuff... (oh well) Maybe I will go somewhere myself (YEAH, as if that could ever happen *sniff*)

I guess today I did something worth while - I cleaned out some of my drawers but I couldn't do much cos all the stuff overwhelmed me and I just had to sit and sort thru all the things. I found so many letters and cards and posties from my friends and I guess I felt bad for not replying them all. Hmmm.. mental note to oneself to do that during the holidays. I might have a letter writing day.. yeah, that would be fun! GAWD! see what I mean by being an old froggie? Being all excited about a letter writing day.. gosh! YUMMMM... the tea is delicious without those nasty sugars and the creamy milk. So hot sliding down me throat... yumm.. hope it clears up my throat...

Hmmm.. more ramblings.. watched a movie at home today called "White Chicks", and it was hell funny. I almost cried watching that show - I guess I hadn't seen anything interesting in awhile,(dont' want "Godsend" - its a real bad show) plus I haven't been doing anything cooped up in the house alone!!! Oh gawd, forgot to return my idiotic critical thinking text book to the library... (mental note 2, go to college to drop of book and pay $1 to the lady for forgetting to return the damn nasty book!!! Honest that book sucks and I hope that I never have to use it again!)

Ah, well... thats done, the tea has grown cold and my eyes are beginning to fall ever so slowly.. Aights, so that means I will be ending these ramblings of an old froggie now and hopefully my throat and lungs will be better tomorrow and my next entry will be more upbeat and less frogish! *smile* Possum says I sound cute, so if anyone want to hear the cute voice call me for this once in a life time chance.. nights!

Where I belong ~

Last night or perhaps this morning, I felt strangely disorientated (and NO this was not solely because of the drinks I consumed - honest) and I felt like I was in some other land or county, one which in some ways I didn't belong in but wanted to in some ways...
It was one of those days where I bothered to wear heels, bothered to behave (grin).. I went out with a friend and we had fun chatting and playing pool and having some drinks. Then we met some other friends of mine in this bar and as time passed, I saw more and more people that I knew. Some whom I hadn't seen in years and was glad to see, others I wish I didn't see need to see at all. With the loud music thumping around me and the blinding bluish lights, I felt like I was truly in another place. A part of me wanted to stay and chill like those "happening" people on a Friday night and yet there was this part of me that craved the solitude of my room and the comfort of bed and soft comforters with a good book...
I guess I just am not sure where I belong. I feel like I am pulled in two different directions... to be continued... gonna hang with G...

This is me again.. I still feel slightly off tangent as I write this. I know that I do like the "Happening" life as I love to meet new people and to dance (however bad I dance, I still do like a little shimmy and shaking) BUT then I know that I can't be that person all the time. I am more the person you see alone reading a book at a bus stop or LRT station waiting for the feeder bus (thanks to Possum that wouldn't be often now - but with my new semester and Possums new sem, things may be different), shopping alone or watching a movie alone in the cinema (YES, I do that, I see nothing wrong with that except for perves sitting next to you or people throwing stuff at you during the movie - No, hasn't happened before but I have thought bout that!) I am not a loner, as most of you know I have friends (not many but enough) but I like doing things alone sometimes.. Not many people understand that and looks of pity can be seen crossing their faces when they ask me if I am alone and I reply yes.....
Oh well, there is no one that I need to justify this too, and I guess what my friend JIN says is true, I am happier now than I have been in a long time.. *grin* Well, have to go now.. see yous.. The Da Vinci Code is beckoning me.. its a great book though it is against alot of things that I believe in.

Back in History

It seems that lately I have been faced with so many choices. Do I do this or that??? Do I go left or right or stay still? Same old same old.... this is not something new. Heck it happens all the time. So why do I feel as if something big is about to happen to me. I feel like I am on the brink of something. I am going abit mental, but I don't know how to explain what I feel.

 

There are times when I crave to be alone. I crave the silence, I crave the emptiness, I crave the solitude.... I just enjoy being alone doing by own thing on my own time with no one about watching over me and making me feel like I am under a microscope.. But lately I have also been needed constantly. Sure it makes me feel that my life is meaningful and that I am needed by others.. but I just want to scream when I am pulled in so many directions. Letting people makes me feel real bad, I have no choice.. I have to choose.

 

I am officially on my holidays, not a long holiday mind you, but a holiday nonetheless. I am going to savor every moment that I get and have planned out a whole list of things to do though I seriously wonder if I would ever finish them off. One can sure hope for it!

 

Anyways, back to the title.. "Back in History", last year about this time, I was chatting with 2 of my girlfriends about men and relationships and etc. and afew hours later I was with someone. It was so sudden and now as I look back, I wonder why I even accept the proposal. I do not regret that move though because it was also through this relationship that I met a whole load of wonderful people. It was this day that I meet spongy and sat in his volvo. Yeah.. I reckons I was kinda shy that day.. but as time progressed, we became better friends and thats what we are now. (spongy if you is reading this, you is know that you is my good friend and will always be - aight!) And after spongy came G and the whole other group of Malat men. Yeah many many memories do I have with this fellas, and its sad that things cannot be the way that they were but then I have realized yet again and things happen for a reason and I know that we will always be friends, though how close remains to be known.

 

History I hate that subject you know, never was any good with dates.. I will be taking western civilization next semester and I hope that it will be bearable. I was taught that the reason why we learnt history was because we could see the mistakes of others who came before us and learn from these mistakes... I look back to my own history, my own past and I know that I have learnt a whole lot of stuff. I also know that it is so difficult to change and learn from ones mistakes.. had a chat with my girlfriend today and we both realized that we have indeed changed some.. for the better we realized...

 

Going to go out and see someone from my past.. I have to admit something though... I miss the past, I miss my history......

 

p.s: Had crab again today! (gawd I swear I am going on a diet... soon!)

CloSe EnCouNTerS of ThE CrAb KinD

I had my one of my papers today, critical thinking.. what can I say. I am just glad that its over and done with and I need not know anything more about deductive or inductive arguments and the like. I have another paper to go on thursday, general psychology, that should be alright (thank God). 

 

Anyways, after the exam Possum decided to give me a threat as I was sort of studying like mad, so we went to Starbucks (the new 50th outlet which just opened today in Uptown near my place). It was.. alright though I kept on picturing the various hawker sellers there (cos before Starbucks took over, it was one of my favourite coffee shops). Anyways, after the coffee and beef pie, we both went to Ikano to see some fishes and ended up buying some more decorative items for our aquarium, which today was a nice looking rock. Also had an interesting chat with a fella who worked there about tortoises and priarie dogs (there were 2 of them, one obese - but damn cute looking) and then as always it was to the book shop for a few minutes of browsing.

 

After all that, there was dinner in Klang with Possum and his family. We had grilled lamb, calamari and crabs. Everyone had their own crab and I was so fasinated by it really.. I took ages to dismantle its legs and to eat it and when I opened its body, I was alot grossed out cos there were all his lungs and filters and stuff in there.. just really wierd... but it was worth it, cos it tasted really really good. YUMMM!!!  Dinner ended and I went home to chill with my mums cos she was alone at home (yes good daugher i am) and we talked for abit and then she went to sleep... so here I am tinkering on the computer and savouring the feeling cos it has been so long without it. (loving strokes the keyboard)

 

I also got to thinking that today a year ago, I met a really great bunch of people. Time happens to drift by so quickly at times... feel like I have known them for years, but it only has been a year, and what a year it has been. Things have changed for all of us, but I can only look forward to the future and hope for better days and look back to the past and smile at those wonderful memories. They really are a special bunch of people and I hope that as time progresses, so will our friendship. Aights.. going to sleeps now. NIghts...

In The Middle...

In the middle…
I am in the middle of two worlds
My childhood
So inviting with laughter and smiles
The adult world
Mocking me with realities so hauntingly blatantly real.

In the middle…
I am neither here nor there
Just wandering aimlessly in between
Searching and trying to find
To find some sort of meaning and reason
However, I am lost it clearly seems.

In the middle…
Memories of days gone by haunt me
While visions of the future spur me on
Caught between moving forward and staying where I am
A thousand ‘what-ifs’ inside me burns.

In the middle…
Leaving the past and moving ahead
Scares and excites me all at once
Though more often than not I am clueless
Walking about in a silent trance
Waiting and hoping for a miracle or sign
To end this wait, to fill this emptiness…

 

 

I Hear

I hear the echoes
I listen to the sounds
The sadness it seems
Goes gradually round and round
Till I can’t help but let it all out
So the tears they start descending silently from my eyes
They trickle unceasingly in rhythm with my soundless cries

I hear the echoes
I listen to the sounds
The sadness it seems
Goes gradually round and round
Innocent lives uprooted and taken,
So many hearts hurt and broken,
Millions of dreams and hopes shattered and ruined
When will this misery ever end?

I hear the echoes
I listen to the sounds
And finally I hear voices that care
Willing hearts that want to make a difference
Who want to love, to help, to share
I hear the sounds of freedom
I hear the sounds of justice
The tears they have stop falling
For I can hear the voices of hope and peace calling

 

Strange how..

It is strange how sometimes the world seems so pleasant and wonderful. How every cool gentle breeze is so calming and pleasant, how unique every tree is from the way its leaves look, to the green of the leaf itself.. and look at the sky, and endless blue on some days with puffy clouds that look like wisps of white cotton candy floating aimlessly around.. and how about the wonderful dazzling colours of the flowers that scent the air with their sweet fragrance... how pleasant the world seems than.. like nothing could ever go wrong..
 
Strange how to the world seems like a horrible place to be in. How the barren red earth is so glaring thanks to the massive deforestation, how the monstrosity of condrete and glass buildings dot the landcape of a once green and pleasant place.. how we see the endless expanse of broken glass, shattered landscapes, decaying homes, bombed empty shells of what was home to many - thanks to the endless wars and greed of men. How strange to see and smell the putrid smells of rotting flesh and decaying meat and stinking sewers that seep into the endless clean water ways, the toxins and pollutants killing the wonderful streams and seas..
 
I am not sure where I am going with all this "interesting" things I have in my mind at the moment. One must wonder why I am having these thoughts to begin with. I am not sure myself. After feeding time, I wanted to relax and continue my novel on "House Husbands" but I felt restless in Possums room and decided to write again. Perhaps I got a wift of inspiration after writing my previous entry - WOW! two entires in one day. Amazing!! I guess I just had a really lovley day today and I wish that I had more days like this. Days which seem so picture perfect that you wonder if everyone actually was just playing a role in a big prodcution, perhaps something like 'the Truman Show' starring Jim Carrey. I am happy today. I have been happy for some time now, which is the happiest I have been in a long long time. I guess I am expecting something morbid and sad to happen to me but then I reprimand myself for thinking and feeling that way.
 
Strange how sometimes out of the blue I tend to think of the strangest things or how sometimes the faces of people I know tend to pop into my mind and how suddenly I feel the urge to talk to them, to hold them and to just see them again even if it was only for just awhile. Strange too how some days are just so uneventful and sometimes there are so many calls from friends to go out that you are pulled in so many different directions that you don't know what to do and end up staying at home with your folks. Today is one such day and I am feeling guilty that I am not going to be with my friends (some of whom I hardly see and constantly accuse of not having time for me) - for those of you (you know who you are) I am really sorry. I am too tired to go out and I feel like just hiding under the covers and reading or just sleeping or couch-potato'ing out in front of the telly watching yet another mindless movie.
 
Gawd! I am blabbering on at an alarming rate. I think I should go now. Hopefull the next time I write, I would't need to think and be so melancholic. Oh well.. HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY! Gotta go feed the fishes *cute buggers that they are *, finish my novel, say goodnight to Possum and head home to my family.

History and Computers..

It has been awhile since I last wrote. I can't help but feel as if the days are too fast paced, like I am on a really fast merry-go-round and I see the world around me in such a blur. There are so many things that I do each day (most of the days) and I think that it is good that I am on my feet and moving, but I hardly seem to have time to do the things that I like to do, like writing for one. Its sad but it sort of seems that I have no inspiration to write anymore. This could be due to the fact that my computers hard disk got wiped out and thus wiping out all the things I have ever wrote, plus the soft copy of my compiliations of poems and others. How stupid of me to not make copies, but heck.. there isn't anything that I can do about it now is there?
 
My old ancient computer, like an empty shell sits where it has been for the past six years and I can't help but be annoyed at it simply because I don't have a connection with it anymore. It saddens me when I on the power to know that there is nothing in it that was MINE anymore. Hours spent labouring over the size and layouts of my compilations, the hours downloading my clipart and pictures of cuddley cute animals, the experimental stories and articles that I tried to write, the 100's of photos I have kept on the PC.. gone.. like a mist at dawn..
 
At times I dont' feel sad about it, actually some sick part of me is glad that I get to start all over again.. A clean sparkly sheet to write on all over again.. but when I think back to all I have lost, I feel empty and tired of trying and starting all over again. Sorry for whining so much about something which seems to trivial, but this is the only place where I can vent. When I bitch about it to my friends, it only takes up a good 5 minutes and after that the topic inevidently turns to things like boys, men and etc. So yeah.. venting here is the only place left other than my normal journal but writing in my neat handwriting at times tests my patience so.. its like the words are following from my mind, but my hands take ages to pour them forth.. btw.. for those of you who don't know, I really have nice handwriting.  (seriously - I pride myself at that. One of the only things I know that I can do - how sad though when I think about it; Proud over ones handwriting)
 
I am at Possums house, thats why I am able to write (as my connection at home has failed me along with my stupid hard disk - ok ok, I will stop bitchin about it) till kingdom come. Alone in the dark except for the eerie glow of our fish tank, I am starting to feel slightly hungry though it was a few hours ago that we went to Malacca and did the toursit thing for awhile and stuffed our faces with food. (ahhh.. heavenly food) Possums sister and I actually sat in a trishaw which I have to saw was really gordily decorated, but the driver was really friendly and I felt just really all tourisy and felt that I contributed to the economy of the tourist industry (I have no idea what I am going on about but felt like it was a clever thing to say - hehehe). The food was nice and the place was good. Took a few photos and hopefully if one day I am ever able to figure thisuploding the photo thing, you wonderful people (hope there are some) who follow this pitiful blog of mine will be able to see the wonderful things I saw. I LOVE MALAYSIA!!!
 
Gotta go now, Possums mum says it is feeding time. Will write more when I can. Thanks for the comments, and encouragement to write more and etc.

LET GO ...

LET GO ... (from a forwarded email)

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]


People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves...LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new
thing for 2004!!! LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

The case of the missing bear

Like a scene from a horror movie I saw Sunny Girl hanging from a black wire dangling from the security guards pole. She dangled there in the wind looking forlorn and lost and probably as miserable as me. I was miserable because I thought she was lost and of course my nose was leaking the whole weekend and that day which earned me the nick name ‘Snot Girl’ from my very “wonderful” lecturer who will not be named. I think Sunny Girl was miserable because she was out in the sun and the rain and probably got harassed by passerby’s as they saw her hanging there by the black wire.

I was sitting outside the college perturbed and slightly anxious to reach home (as I felt woozy plus the wonderful Chinese techno type rhythm in my head wouldn’t stop banging on me rendering me with an awful headache) whilst waiting for the Possum to come when I saw Sunny Girl staring at me with that sad little face she has. I rushed to her side and asked the guard there (who didn’t speak English or very good bahasa) how Sunny Girl got there. I think he was worried that I was some raving lunatic as he made some gestures to shoo me away and I think he said something like ‘You ambik!’ a few times. Without waiting around, I hurried to Sunny Girl and unhooked her from the horrible place atop the pole. Poor Sunny Girl was wet and I feeling suddenly petrified that she had fallen into the drain filled with unsavory things and bacteria, demanded where he had found Sunny Girl. He just stared back at me and shook his head. Gawd! I was speechless perhaps too happy to have found Sunny Girl or perhaps too much mucus had clogged up my brain thus making it hard to think.

Luckily Possum came just in time and I waved Sunny Girl (still attached to the black wire) across the road at him and he smiled - probably because I think I was making him a little annoyed by asking him for the hundredth time where Sunny Girl could have gone and was relieved that she had been found, or perhaps I looked so bloody comical with a fistful of tissues up my nose dangling Sunny Girl from a black wire. I got into the car and Possum asked me how I had found Sunny Girl. I sat down in the comfy seat and wondered for the first time since I found her, how she actually got there.. Scary ‘cos both Possum and I have no idea how she managed to fall out of the car as I had noticed she was missing before I even got out of the car. Oh well, I guess Sunny Girl is the only one who can tell us the story, but for now she is sleeping soundly in my room smelling sweetly of raspberries..