Tuesday, June 29, 2004

The case of the missing bear

Like a scene from a horror movie I saw Sunny Girl hanging from a black wire dangling from the security guards pole. She dangled there in the wind looking forlorn and lost and probably as miserable as me. I was miserable because I thought she was lost and of course my nose was leaking the whole weekend and that day which earned me the nick name ‘Snot Girl’ from my very “wonderful” lecturer who will not be named. I think Sunny Girl was miserable because she was out in the sun and the rain and probably got harassed by passerby’s as they saw her hanging there by the black wire.

I was sitting outside the college perturbed and slightly anxious to reach home (as I felt woozy plus the wonderful Chinese techno type rhythm in my head wouldn’t stop banging on me rendering me with an awful headache) whilst waiting for the Possum to come when I saw Sunny Girl staring at me with that sad little face she has. I rushed to her side and asked the guard there (who didn’t speak English or very good bahasa) how Sunny Girl got there. I think he was worried that I was some raving lunatic as he made some gestures to shoo me away and I think he said something like ‘You ambik!’ a few times. Without waiting around, I hurried to Sunny Girl and unhooked her from the horrible place atop the pole. Poor Sunny Girl was wet and I feeling suddenly petrified that she had fallen into the drain filled with unsavory things and bacteria, demanded where he had found Sunny Girl. He just stared back at me and shook his head. Gawd! I was speechless perhaps too happy to have found Sunny Girl or perhaps too much mucus had clogged up my brain thus making it hard to think.

Luckily Possum came just in time and I waved Sunny Girl (still attached to the black wire) across the road at him and he smiled - probably because I think I was making him a little annoyed by asking him for the hundredth time where Sunny Girl could have gone and was relieved that she had been found, or perhaps I looked so bloody comical with a fistful of tissues up my nose dangling Sunny Girl from a black wire. I got into the car and Possum asked me how I had found Sunny Girl. I sat down in the comfy seat and wondered for the first time since I found her, how she actually got there.. Scary ‘cos both Possum and I have no idea how she managed to fall out of the car as I had noticed she was missing before I even got out of the car. Oh well, I guess Sunny Girl is the only one who can tell us the story, but for now she is sleeping soundly in my room smelling sweetly of raspberries..

Sobbing & Screaming Inside

I AM Sobbing & Screaming Inside.. I want to take out a gun and shoot myself (that is if I had one, or perhaps the good ole trusty blade will do). So what has left me in this sorry state? Well today is mid term presentation day for my television class.. and as always there are problems with the workload and etc.

I am sitting here in the computer lab wondering why eventhough I have been through 16 years of education I still never learn that you should never leave things till last minute.. yes last minute work the bane of everyones existence and the downfall of many a good sane student!!! I am supposed to feel remorseful even guilty that I have neglected like 30% of my marks, but strangely enough, I don't give a rats arse.

Perhaps I am too tired of correcting english and being called 'nerd' and kiasu (there was a mix up with my grades making me NOT the top scorer for General Psych class) and everything.. so I am being strangely calm, whilst still sobbing and screaming inside at my own
procrastination problems and the fact that my blood pressure is abnormally high at the moment. I keep telling myself that 'Patience is a virtue' but the effect of that mantra is wearing off. Had to warn my friends to back away slowly when they came to see the 'progress' I had made.

Oh well, mental health has never been my strong point. So yeah, here I am, writing this in my Little Piece of Heaven hoping against hope that I will feel better after all this writing and whining.

Some good news of the day, to redeem myself from getting 2nd place when actually goteen 1st in class, I got an indecent grade of 20/20 for my Psych essay assignment which led my fellow classmates to label me with 'Super Nerd'. *Sigh* I guess I fit that description anyways.

Possum has been exteremely nice to me these days. Had a good lunch today and wonderful yummy desert followed. But now that I am back again at college, I long for the Riberry to come and whizz me back home, or to Possums place, or to somewhere far away from college, the piling assignments and fellow procrastinating friends.

Hope you all are having a wonderful day anyways..

Saturday, June 26, 2004

*~* Here’s to the night *~*

Here’s to the nights we felt alive, when everything in this vast world seemed to belong to us. When we could do anything that we ever want, never thinking about consequences, never thinking about what tomorrow would bring.. For today was today, the past and the future held no meaning to us.

I remember those nights that left us breathless, that left us intoxicated with laughter and joy that bubbled out of our very pores, that left us blurry eyed with lack of sleep, with wind blown hair and smiles as wide as the Sahara. I remember those nights as if it were yesterday and I know that if I were to close my eyes I would be back to those nights, those nights.. Those nights that slipped by so very fast.. If only I had known that those nights would never occur again, I would have taken more notice of it, I would have cherished every single second that passed us by..

Do you remember those nights driving to destinations unknown willing the machines to move like the very wind around us, nights talking in the dark about everything and nothing in particular, nights of dancing check to check together underneath the blanket of the velvet night, nights of fizzy and bubbly doing things that no one knew or thought we would ever do, nights of candle light and music listening to our heart strings, nights of cards, of fate, of truth or dare.. Nights of daring to be anything or doing anything we ever dreamt of.. yup, those were the nights..

So, here’s a toast to all those who were with me on those nights.. Those nights when we felt so alive, here’s to the laughs and the tears, the screams, the inevitable laughter and tears.. Here’s to the dreams that we built..
Here’s to goodbye to those yesterdays for tomorrows going to come all too soon and heck there will be more nights.. aight, there will be more nights..

Inspired by the song “Here’s to the night” by Eve 6.

Friday, June 25, 2004

I have Cut myself..

i have cut myself.. and my wings have been broken and torn from me
and so i have no choice but to fall back to the ground from my crushed dreams
and i will get sucked and pulled underground where i seem to belong..

yes i need somebody to save me, to let someone take me with their hands and rescue me from this misery that pulls me deeper and deeper till i can no longer see the surface..

even the waves are pulling me under, invisible riptides that pull me deeper and deeper and i would give anything.. anything for someone to come and rescue me.. to just give me a hand and pull me out from this chasm of emptiness and lonliness..

i have cut myself and the pain is ebbing away day by day as numbness and lonliness have become one with me.. so i guess this sums up the story, emptiness, lonliness, a painful deception and an empty shell, yeah thats me.

p.s: hey you, are you glad to know that i have cut myself? just to let you know, the blood is thick and drips ever so slowly from the blade..

when do you know it began?

Is it when your heart starts beating like a drum in a marching band, like you can't ever get enough air to breathe to pump the blood in your heart, like you are desperately fighting for some air whenever he is around for the mere sight of him will make you feel all light headed and intoxicated?

Or could it be that the more you are with him, the more you can't imagine yourself without him.. every second that passes without him seems like an eternity of waiting, but when you do see him or be with him, you know it was worth the wait?

Perhaps it is when you are busy with your everyday things in life and suddenly unexpectedly he creeps into your mind like a cool breeze and suddenly you can't do anything except think about him and the way he smiled at you last?

And maybe it is when you see him in everything or everyone that you meet.. every little thing reminds you of him.. everything somehow has some sort of lame ass connection to him and you constantly mention him and obsess about him..?

I just wanted to know when it begins..

Thursday, June 24, 2004

when do you know it is over?

when do you know it is over?

is it when he says farewell and packs his bags , shuts the door in your face and leaves you with your mouth gaping after him with the words frozen in your mind, a thousand thoughts and words running through your mind?

or is it when he just stops calling and you pace your room endlessly furiously dialing his number over and over again for the millionth time hoping that perhaps THIS time he will pick up?

could it be that maybe whenever you are together you fight like a cat and dog throwing things at each other and calling each other names so horrible the paint peels of the walls, things that can sorely injure the heart and ears?

just maybe it could be when you hold each other and you feel like you are holding a cardboard cutout - lifeless, and when you say 'i love you' it sounds hollow and forced?

perhaps it is when you feel that there is this space between you both that is so great that it would take a year and a half to cross it and even if you do manage to get to the otherside you would have lost a limb or two?

i just wanted to know when its over..

That Silent Smile..

I can only remember bits and pieces of your silent smile
It’s been such a long time since I have seen it
And no matter how I try
I can’t forget
I can’t get those pieces out of my head.

I saw it rarely, your silent smile
And when I did I swear the heavens opened up
And all the Heavenly Angels sung aloud
Their sweet melodies echoed all about.

That silent smile could chase my miseries away
Wipe the tears that went astray
Cheer me up on days that were lonely and gray
It was your smile that made me stay.

Silent smiles of yours I clearly remember
I saw it last in the month of December
When the snow and tears mingled and fell
The pain inside no one could tell.

I can only remember bits and pieces of your silent smile
A smile that could liven my very soul
To see it again I desperately yearn
That elusive obscure silent smile that in my mind still burns…

Monday, June 21, 2004

+ Update +

If you notice it has been some time since I last wrote anything in this little piece of my Heaven, not that there hasn’t been anything significant to write about, or that I have run out of inspiration and etc. but merely because I haven’t had the time to write. Even if I did find the time to do just that, it would be hurried and my thoughts do require a long time to be sorted through and penned (in this case, typed) out. So here I am, after many days clicking away on this strange laptop which Possum so kindly lent to me because SIGH, my computer has once again failed me. A few days ago, it just decided to act all funny and not start. So here I am computer less and what makes me sad is the fact that I do not have all my writings saved on some nice disk. It is in the freaking computer and I am not sure if it is still in there. It breaks my heart to know that all the things that I have written about could be wiped out or has already been wiped out. Double SIGH.. SIGH!SIGH!

I recently had to make a choice to join this youth leadership training programme and I didn’t know if I should take up that role or not. I prayed about it some (Yes, I do pray!) and I guess I am not ready to take up that role. It was difficult writing an email to my leaders and telling them that I am not ready to take it up but they said that it was a very brave thing to do and that they respected me for being so truthful. I learnt then, that sometimes you should just say NO, and admit that you cannot, not because you are afraid to try, but just because your time has not come and there would be no point in forcing yourself to do things that you just knew you couldn’t do then.

During this short time of non-writing, I also learnt how to be a little more humble. How to admit that you were wrong and give in and say that you were ‘sorry’. I nearly lost a really good friend a couple of days ago and I guess it was mostly my fault.. Thankfully the whole squabble and silent war was over and things are back to normal if not better. Things with my family are going great and my friends, well one good friend of mine has left for greener pastures in UK (if you are reading this – good luck over there Spongy, can’t wait till you get back. If I remember correctly you owe me pasta at Williams. I also will be missing you and even though we have drifted a little, I will still remember those good old days) and well the other friends have their own things going on. Some have already got jobs and waiting to begin and others have exams coming up. I too have my mid terms this week and am rather worried since I haven’t been studying. Shites! Wish me luck.

I do not have the time to write a lot and this is so very commentary (as a friend of mine would put it) and well it is just to tell you lot who so faithfully read this, that I am alright and that I have not fallen into some hole or gotten lost on the way home. So yeahs, this is me just saying hello again and hoping for a few things.

1.) my writings on the computer will be saved
2.) that I will get good grades for all my exams
3.) that all my friends near and far are okay and are well
4.) that everyone who needs hope or a sign, get them
5.) that those whose heart is empty and lonely, get filled with happiness and joy
6.) oh yes, lots of love for everyone out there *hugs hugs*

so, until the next time I write, which would be soon hopefully, take care and God bless all of you.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

..Sacrifices, Flies and Foreigners..

It has been some time since I wrote. I guess it is because I am bogged down with assignments and work from college. Done with a few assignments, so I can relax and breathe, for awhile at least. Time seems to be passing by so quickly.. Almost everyday I have classes where Possum sends me and picks me up and then I basically spend the day with Possum or I go home and do whatever work I have to do and then I see him. *grin* (The arrangement we have works really well) Its strange how we never get bored of each other. We seem to know more about each other and the time we spend together is never enough.. Strange!!!

Today was my first day at work for ‘Flies and Foreigners’. Didn’t get to see the whole play, but I will probably get to catch it tomorrow or some other day. Work was boring, but it was nice having dinner with all the cast and crew on stage. For now I think that’s the closet I will get to the stage.. hehehe.. Will be having my poetry reading thingy at the end of July so that is something to look forward too. I get nervous when I think about it, but then I think it is a good platform to start reading and taking my writing seriously. I have sent some work out to people and so far the comments have been encouraging. My lecturer has set aside some time for me so that he can talk to me about my poetry. How nice. There is also a public speaking contest in college, which I might be taking part in. the prize money is RM500. Sure could use the mullah!!!

I was just thinking today as Possum drove me home about the numerous sacrifices people make for me. My parents for giving up their own dreams to send me to college and to provide for my family. Possum for giving up his sleep and his time so that he can send me to and from college and work and his dedication towards my well being. My friends who sometimes do things for me because they know how much it means to me even though it is the last thing that they want to do. I nearly cried when Possum said that he it didn’t matter that he had to send me or pick me up anywhere I went.. he just felt better knowing that I was with him or that I was home safe and sound, that I was okay. Possum is like so super sweet.. never thought he would be like this, but I can’t say that I am not happy. I am super happy.. (smiles smiles smiles)

Friday, June 04, 2004


I see the leaves falling from the trees
As I lie under the sky on a warm autumn day
The leaves swirl and twirl in their own sweet melody
And I cannot help but smile
When I think of all God’s majesty.

She sees the bombs that fall from the sky
The metallic destructive devices that kill all those in sight
She screams and tries to run,
They are looming ever closer…
Rivers of tears flow from her eyes,
It seems as if it is the end.

She stares at him and her heart starts to beat
Her palms are sweaty and yes, her knees are weak
She smiles at him, he just passes her by
And doesn’t even know she exists.

He loved her so, did he not say..
And now look, strangers they be
She should have stopped her heart
From falling in love with him.

The young child sees the stars in the sky
Little twinkling lights from afar
She rises her arms for the lights and prays that
She will be able to reach just one.

Suddenly in the sky she sees,
A shooting falling star
And forever is enchanted
By the magnificent splendor
Of the wonderful glorious night.

So they fall,
The hearts, the bombs,
The leaves the stars..
Falling, falling, falling..
A continuous cycle of falling

But then there is always
The chance of rebuilding
And starting all over again
Of recreating..
Of hoping..
Of believing..
After the falling..

Thursday, June 03, 2004

^_^ Childhood Memories ^_^

I took out my childhood memories today
I wanted to try and remember
Those good old lazy days
Of my childhood through the years
From January to December
So I began to remember
The different Lands on top of the Faraway Tree
Dwarves, brownies, pixies, gnomes, elves, trolls and fairies,
Mad evil wizards and sadistic crazy witches.

I remember
Flying horses, unicorns and funny talking animals
The Wizard of Oz, Scooby Doo,
Charlie and the chocolate factory
And of course the Neverending Story.

Then there were the Transformers, He Man and She Ra,
Captain Planet and the magical Land of Narnia.
Mickey and Minnie, the Disney princesses
SilverHawks and Thunder Cats
Smurfs and Strawberry Shortcake
Care bears and Bugs Bunny.

Days of make believe and masak-masak,
Hopscotch, catching, Ice and Water and getah,
Paper dolls, Polly Pocket and Barbie,
Snakes and ladders, Ludo and Monopoly.
There seemed to be so many things
That I remember,
That it brings a smile to my face
Just thinking about my childhood days..

The Paradox of Our Times

The paradox of our time in history is that:
We have taller buildings, but shorter tempers
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints
We spend more, but have less
We buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families
More conveniences, but less time
We have more degrees, but less sense
More knowledge, but less judgment
More experts, but more problems
More medicine, but less wellness.

We have multiplied our possessions
But reduced our values
We talk too much, love to seldom, hate too often
We learned how to make a living, but not a life
We’ve added years to life, but not life to years.

We’ve been all the way to the moon and back
But have trouble crossing the streets to meet the new neighbor
We’ve conquered outer space, but not inner space
We’ve cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul
We’ve split the atom, but not our prejudice
We have higher incomes, but lower morals
We’ve become long on quantity, but short on quality.

These are the times of tall men, and short character
Steep profits, and shallow relationships
These are the times of world peace
But domestic warfare
More leisure, but less fun
More kinds of food, but less nutrition.

These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce
Of fancier houses, but broken homes
It is a time where there is much in the show window
And nothing in the stockroom
a time when technology can bring the letter to you
and a time when you can choose
Either to make a difference –
or just hit delete.

-Author Unknown-
(I must say a brilliant writer whoever he/she is)

A glimpse at the past..

Today I caught a glimpse of the past, not mine but the past of my folks. I have to say that it was strange to hear that they did the things that I did, and they actually had friends and had a good time. Not that my parents are 'stick-in-the-mud' type people, its just that they very much keep to themselves and it always seemed to me that they never were 'fun' people. I see it occasionally in them, but more often then not, they are just 'boring' I guess. Ok, maybe I am being a little harsh, they aren't that 'boring' but, well lets just say that they will not get the prize for the "most happening parents" in the world.

Those of you who have met my parents and have actually sat down and talked to them will know that they are very pleasant and down to earth people who love to laugh and my dad, well he makes the corniest jokes ever (I think I may have inherited that trait from him *grin*).My mum, well people say that I look alot like her, and I think I do as well. She is some what like Lorelai Gilmore (the mum in Gilmore Girls) in terms of how close she and I are. We talk alot and we share our problems and such, though there are things that I can't tell her and there are some thing which she shouldn't tell me but she does which makes me just worry and panic and wonder 'Why tell me? I don't want to know..!) But then I realize that I should be happy about that, that they she is so comfortable with me that she can tell me all these things.. and yeah, I have to admit, many girls would love to have the kind of relationship that I have with my mum and yes, with my dad as well.

Well, back to the past of my folks, today as I we sat down to have dinner, my parents met with one of their old friends, Mr W,who turned out to be a member of their 'gang' at that time. What time you ask? Well the time when my dad apparently was trying to woo my mum. Mr W, was easy to warm up to and it was nice to talk to him and listen to tales of my parents during 'those good old days'. He smoked and talked to me like I was which (technically I am)was really nice I tell you because more often than not, my folks friends tend to talk to me as if I am 7 years old.. heck, come to think of it they don't really talk to me. They just ask the standard questions 'What am I doing now?' and 'When am I going to finish?' and then they end that brief "conversation" with "Wah! time passes so fast huh? your daughter so big already!" - Here I tend to wonder if they mean the age, or my size!!! (grin)

Meeting Mr W, reminded me that my parents were once young and just like me, perhaps more wild, perhaps not.. I think not.. but then who really knows. He painted a picture of them that I find hard to believe and it just made me realize again how simillar we actually were. Mr W, was also easy to talk to and I felt myself warming up to him. I believe that if my parents were still close to him, he would have been those 'God Parent' type people that I always wanted to have but never did. (Honestly, I am not close to any of my relatives or parents friends). Dinner finally ended and plans were made to meet up with Mr W and the other members of their 'gang'. On the way home, I tried to find out more about their past, but they were reluctant to give me more information. Perhaps they too were lost in their own memories that were conjured up then.. perhaps they were missing those 'good old days'. I was surprised to see my folks in a new light once again.. and it made me realize how much I do care about them, so I spent the whole night with my mum folding clothes and watching TV. Sure they did nag me about things even before I stepped in the door after dinner, but then I guess that is what parents do.. perhaps one day I will be like that *shudder*

So, yeah.. it was interesting to know that my parents had a past that was fun and 'normal' and in some ways, I reckon that it made me close to them. Anyways, it is late now, and I want to watch 'Moonlight Mile' on telly.. so goodnight and sweet dreams.. and you know what.. for those of you who don't talk to your folks, try and talk to them, I bet you will see that in some ways, or many ways they are just like you. If you can't talk to them, atleast smile at them, k? Aight..

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

I smile..

I smile..
When I think about the way you turned my life around.
I smile..
When I think about the happiness that I have found.
I smile..
When I remember the laughs and jokes we shared.
I smile..
When I remember your kind and loving words and how much you cared.
I smile..
When I recall those times we danced and spent time together.
I smile..
When I recall your smiles, your face, and your laughter.
And yes..
I smile..
Even though you are not beside me anymore
The memories of you are still so precious and new
And though it hurts and cuts like a knife sometimes
When I think, when I remember, when I recall memories of you..
I smile..

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

+ The Whole Picture +

It has been a long day at college and I had a meeting to attend at church in the evening. Had a squabble with a friend today and it wasn't really a good start to my morning. Anyways, walking to the bus stop to catch a bus to college proved to be a good thing as it was a wonderfully sunshiney day (for those of you that did venture out of your homes in the morning, don't you agree?)and the sky was a wonderful shade of blue with those white puffy clouds. I just love those clouds. There was also a wonderful white streak across the sky made by a jet as well.. *Grin* yeah, my kind of morning. I arrived just in time for class as well and made it through the day without endangering myself or anyone with my not-so-great mood. I actually had fun talking to my classmates and planning for the American Week breakfast that we would be organizing.

It was drizzling slightly when class ended and it was a jolly nice sight to see the sun shining ever so brightly with the light drizzle falling together amidst the rays of sunshine. I had to wait for my friend to pick me up and on my way home in the car, we didn't speak much to each other. It was because the previous night, we had a huge arguement and no one wanted to be the first to apologize verbally (we texted our apologies earlier that day!). After some time, we finally spoke up and this wohle flood of things came pouring out of our mouths. Somethings that hurt and somethings that made us smile, but it was great to just get everything out of our chests.

Int he evening, I had to attend a cell group meeting at church and I felt super guilty as I sat there amongst them because I knew that I hadn't been doing my part in the cell group and I know that I should be doing more really. So, I decided that I would try really really hard, to change and do more for my cell group and church. Anyways, after that meeting, to celebrate the ending of the 'fight', we decided to go bowling. I won a game and I lost a game. After that since we were already in Bangsar, we decied to go for drinks at Alexis (Santini) and it was so nice to have the whole place to ourselves. We talked some more and had a fun time thinking about the past and where we were now and we got to see the whole picture about the issues that were bugging us the night before.

I realized that there were just somethings in life that I shouldn't get so emotional over. For example, what people think or say about me. Sure I would take in to account the things that my close friends tell me, but as for those snide remarks and crass observations made by bystanders or people who do not understand the situation or see the whole picture, I should learn to ignore their remarks and their nastiness, after all to put it bluntly.. they know shite!!! It has always bothered me, what people think of me and how they view me as a person and about how I look.. but really now, I don't give a rats ass. I say go stick it up where the sun don't shine!!!

You must be wondering why I am getting so 'expressive' over this issue, but I just feel that people shouldn't judge you just because you are different and just because somethings and some experiences are different from the ones that you are used to or are expecting. It doesn't mean that it is wrong or bad.. it is just different. No point in judging and being a critic about it. If you do want to share your viewpoints and opinions, do so, but make sure that these really 'constructive' viewpoints and opinions never reaches that poor vicitm. Again, I may have been guilty of doing something like this.. and I am trying to see things as a whole picture, so understand why people do the things they do and say things the way they say it. I want to udnerstand them so that I can kick them right smack there on their asses.. yup yup!!! Hehehe.. kiddding. I just want to know so that I will hopefully begin to understand why they behave the way they do and in that way learn to ignore and forgive them for their 'wonderful' ways.

It is late and I want to wake up early so that it seems that my day is longer. Much to be done and so little time. Got myself a part time job for a few days, and might be selected to read my poetry at some artsy function. Wish me luck! So goodnight and well, I hope that one day when you see me acting all strange and wierd, try ever so hard to see 'the whole picture' before you begin to judge me. Nite Nite..

*The Angel from my nightmare, thanks for a wonderful night today.. Luv ya!!!*

Empty Expectations..

I realized one of the most important things in life last night which is to never expect anything. I always knew that I should not expect anything, to always give without hoping for any returns, to always do the best I can without thinking of a reward and for caring without hoping to be cared for in return. Yet sadly, again here I am, having fallen and left with empty expectations.. but as I type this I am picking myself up ever so gracefully like I did long ago when I lost all that I had gained..
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