Thursday, June 11, 2009

I am voted the...

I am voted as the official
Office Fool!!!
I should leave this hovel
and join the circus
and be a clown instead.

A prayer

Lord, We thank you for the love that unites us,
for the peace accorded us this day,
for the hope with which we expect the morrow;
for the health, the work, the food and the bright skies
that make our lives delightful;
for our friends in all parts of the earth. Amen.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Help me to remember

I heard the song '
Cinta kan membawamu kembali'
by Dewa 19 today.
It made me remember much
and yet I find craters in my memory.
I need someone to help me to remember
The dreams I had when I was younger
The person I imagined and hoped to be.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009


Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well
when they cannot be discerned from the top of a mountain.

- Charles H. Spurgeon -

It Is Real

In less than 24 hours, life has changed for me.
I feel abandoned.
I feel a lost.
I feel kicked out of my nest.
I feel like I landed on my bum.
I feel as if this is a prank some numbskull thought up.
But it is not so.
It is real.

I can't deny the fact that the news affected me more than I could ever imagine. In some ways the news doesn't come as a surprise but then again, I am a wishful thinker and am a little bit too idealistic at the best of times so when the words were uttered, well I was in denial for awhile and then I began to panic and then the strange pain began to settle in. The pain is still there.

What kind of pain you ask? Well its akin to that of being dumped. Of having your heart broken and you have no clue why it had to happened to very suddenly.

I dragged my feet and sulked the better part of the evening and although more than 6 hours has passed, I still feel the strange pain.

Through this pain and shock and panic... there lies actually several seeds of hope, excitement and adventure. After all, things will invariably change now. It truly will be a new beginning of sorts. The pained part of me just wants to sit in a corner and lick my wounds and weep like a sad poor child, but then there is this other part of me that is already in motioned, set to tackle the new things to come... that wants to know the whys, the hows, the whens and a whole host of questions. This side of me is also planning and thinking if its time to make "the move".

There is much to think about. The pros, the cons, the maybes, what-ifs, could be, wants and don't wants and bla bla bla to tackle but in a strangely sad and euphoric way, I think this new journey is just what I need.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

It's already June.

It’s already June.

Time has passed so swiftly and I believe it will continue to move at such a quick pace in the days, weeks and months to come. Soon it would be the New Year and I would once again be taking stock of the year. The achievements, the happy endings, the new beginnings and of course the downside of things that however unpleasant and unnecessary it may seem, has shaped my year and my life to be as it is. But it’s not the New Year yet, its only half way through… but perhaps our conversation triggered something in me to write.

I haven’t written much these days. I ramble and I muse but don’t put down my thoughts on paper, in my journal or on word documents to go through and reflect during days when I am more sane… more focused. Earlier while you spoke, and wiped what looked like errant tears from you eyes, I felt not for the first time the similarities between us. Sure there are the differences between us but the more we speak to each other, the deeper we allow ourselves to go, I realise we are not that different at the core and heart of things.

My teachers used to say that life began after you left form 5. I think they were wrong or perhaps delusional. Life begins when you begin to think your thoughts, be exposed to people and to the world. From a young age depending on your characteristics and traits, you will be placed in categories. Parents and the people around you begin to expect things from you and when you fail to deliver, they either glance elsewhere or just pay attention to something or someone that is worthier of their attention.

I think that my life began the day I went to Std 1. Kindergarten didn’t really count because well… I just can’t remember much of it except my pink ballet wannabe shoes, my water bottle with the green cup attached bought from Fajar and my first school bag, a brown kinda like a tree bark coloured square fake Smurfs bag. I remember animal biscuits, painting on the porch with powdered paint, the scary teacher Ms Rama Rama and my colouring book of 'occupations' with the ‘good’ and stars written by the sides of my carefully coloured creations in red ink which I still have today. I occasionally wonder what PR / Corporate Communications person would look like in drawings and illustrations...

To reminiscence about my younger days in primary school and secondary school and even college would take too long… perhaps another post… but I guess what I wanted to write about is life… mine, yours, ours. Sometimes things don’t really go the way you plan or hope it to be. Everyone can draft out a five year plan or even a ten year one. They can have goals and objectives and etc. but life doesn’t always go the way you want it to and I think that all of us know this.

You prepare for life in whatever way you can, you study hard, you do all those extracurricular activities, you work towards getting a car, a house, a family with 2.5 children (whatever that means) and you live the life that people envy… but the sad fact is, there are always things that happen beyond our control that changes the course of our lives and like a hapless marionette, we bend and we fall and for those fighters we stand up again to continue soldiering on for one more day. We bend, we break but we patch ourselves up again and again and again. We are a human patchwork quilt, a hodgepodge, mish mashed unique person. There is only one you and one me.

My life has been a colourful one as most of you know. There have been gloriously shiny moments in my life, the moments I keep in my heart and in boxes, which I take out to view when I feel that I am floundering and need an anchor. Then there are the darker moments in life that I wish I could forget or erase but I know I can’t. The disappointments, the wrong decisions, the failed relationships, the ‘could haves’ and ‘ifs’… sadly or perhaps ironically, it is these very things that propelled me to be better. These incidents changed the course of my life; it drove me to be the person I am. It may be too late for something’s, the damage has been done and the hands of time do not budge but such is life… but this is just me.

I don’t know if the world sees a better improved me, but when I stand in front the mirror, 90% of the time I am pleased with what I see and unlike the me of old that needed approval form the world around me, I am satisfied though there are somethings I am working on at the moment.

There are times when I wish that the things I wanted could have been provided to me on golden platters. That life would have been smooth sailing without a glitch but I have known for a few years now that the very things that might seem accursed and burdensome, is in fact a blessing. You don’t need to wait for the New Year to start a ‘new life’. You don’t need a grand fanfare or a new tattoo or a hairdo to kick start the ‘new you’. Sure it helps but you don’t really need it. Each moment is a beginning. We can start now instead of waiting for another day.

I know I am rambling, but I just wanted to say is that all everyone needs it a little bit of faith in God and in ourselves... not to the point of being egoistical but enough to know who you are and where you stand. The disadvantages, the haphazard scars in our lives, the memories that darken the otherwise sunny landscape of our lives are the things that differentiate us from everyone else. Though painful, they lend and bring to the table a kaleidoscope of wonder and surprises that we never thought possible… but it is only us that limit ourselves and how sad it is to note that more often than not, we are the ones that stifle our own greatness.

You are growing up... we all are in fact. However, you have been changing for awhile now… it is not a sudden change but a gradual one. You still retain that childlikeness in you which I believe you will carry with you for awhile. I personally don't think you should lose all of this childlikeness, I think the world today lacks this.

Anyways, I wish you strength and wisdom in the days to come when you make sure and sound footsteps in this journey we call life. It may not be all sugary and sweet, but you can be sure that you will come out of it a better, wiser person. Take heart and believe in yourself.

I pray that our lives, be filled with love, peace, joy and hope. We are where we are supposed and destined to be. As always, I believe that everything happens for a reason and only when our day is through would we know the rhymes and the reasons for it being so… so till then, may life be all you want it to be and more.
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