Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I survived!

dream weaver --
[noun]:A hermit living in the big city
'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

I survived!
More then 2 weeks have passed by since my last post and although I promised myself that:
a) I will not become a workaholic
b) I will TRY to write once a week at least in my blog
c) Read a book a week
d) Have at least 3 hours a week devoted to arts and crafts
e) Stop thinking of you
f) I will lose some weight
g) I will clean my room from top to bottom
h) I will try to save money

And guess what…
I have managed to achieve, lets see… NONE of these things!
Surprise! Surprise!

Well, at least I am still breathing and have semblance of my normal life still.
Some updates because its lunch time (SPONGY: FYI, I am not technically blogging during working hours as I have an hour off for lunch!) and I have several minutes to spare:

a) I have still not succeeded in perfecting a good bowl/mug of Quaker oats
b) I have completed two major events which are: the launch of Olmetec® and a press conference with Nobel Laureate Professor Dr Ferid Murad.
c) Went for a day and a bit to Singapore for work and had a stressful bus ride back (there was a mini cockroach and idiotic spoilt children running around) though I did managed to get some shopping thrown into the schedule. *I is bought some arts and crafts stuff, new white chocolate M&Ms and M&Ms that change colour – am an M&Ms freak!
d) My grandma is out of the hospital and is now at my aunt’s house again though she is unable to walk still and needs a full time maid.
e) My tortoises are all strong and healthy these days.
f) Have managed to acquire new pimples.
g) Did not think of “he who must not be cared for” that much.
h) And best of all… GERARD IS HOME!!! *hoorah hoorah*

With regards to point h), I sort of knew that Gerard was home. I actually dreamt that he was home and we were in this field at night lying on the grass on a blankie and facing this really beautiful velveteen midnight blue sky with a billion of stars sporadically scattered all over the place. It was beautiful and a light breeze shifted around us and we talked. About what I don’t know but I remember talking and talking like we used to do post him leaving, post me working. It was good and I remember smiling when I woke up and feeling sad that he as not in SS2 and that I wouldn’t see him that day or for some time to come but I felt oddly enough, calm and reassured of something unnameable.

And now he is home…
And I am glad.
Dira is coming home too in a couple of weeks time and then my life will be complete… well sort of complete or as complete as it can possibly get (some holes just can’t be filled). I look forward to the future now with a bigger goofier grin and some more hope in my heart.
Glad you are home G ~ things just wasn’t the same without you.

Well it’s back to work. I have a new project to be discussed and a whole lot of reports to write. BahHumbug!
I miss you regardless of how many days have passed and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and wish on stars…
* Colours and pics to accompany the text will be up shortly due to the lack of time.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

- the Truth hurts -

Last night I got the answer to the question I was pondering on about and well the answer I got wasn't the one I wanted to hear and as it usually is, the truth hurts. Suddenly the phrase, “The truth? You can’t handle the truth!” rings I in my ear and I have to admit that at that time, about 5am something it was, I thought that I would not be able to handle the said truth and I was super upset and torn. *Being torn sucks by the way because you never know when you are ever going to be whole again or if you will ever be able to be the person you once was.

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But after sleeping on it (I tossed and turned till about eight), I felt better and although I hurt like hell still and I feel like hiding under my comforter and staying there for awhile to heal, I know that I can handle the days to come... slowly but surely.

At the moment, my eyes hurt. My heart hurts. Every part of me hurts really… but at least I know the truth now and the logical part of me can do its victory lap around my broken heart as the words I told you so echo around the said broken heart of mine. But I suppose in time that broken heart will heal but I don’t know about the broken relationship and the broken dreams or how the trust can ever heal or the friendship ever mend.

Tomorrow it’s back to work. Back to the same mundane things I have to do. Back to the real world. Back to the hospital to see my grandma. Back to the problems I will have to face. Back to the same shops to eat and face the same traffic jams. But one thing will be different tomorrow. I will have a crushed wing and a torn dream… but its okay… the wing will heal and I will learn to fly again and the dreams… well dreams will be conjured up again and in time my heart will heal as well. And regardless of all the things that have happened… it is hard not to still care and miss you... the you I once knew...

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Friday, May 12, 2006

... alone ...

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I feel so alone...
Why can't you be here like you said you would?
Can't you see that I need you?

Trying to * Believe *

I am not sure where I am at now in terms of my emotions. One moment I am doing well, dancing in the sunshine, laughing to myself and smiling a great deal and the next I feel so empty and hollow and I feel this weird pressing feeling near the regions of my heart...

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Then there is work - One day I think that I love this job and that I wouldn’t mind working for the next gazillion years and then the next minute I hate it with a passion and I question my sanity for turning down other journalistic opportunities.

Yes… confused… that’s probably me most of the time.

This feeling also extends to my relationships with people.
One minute I think I know what I want and I know where I am headed and the next its like… what do I want now? At the moment of my blogging, I am feel super duper uncared for. No not PMSing or anything of that sort. Just thinking about the choices I have made and the way I am being treated and I feel sadly short changed.

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Remember I think I mentioned how one can feel super lonely even though they are surrounded by people? Well I am feeling it again for the hundredth and one time this year. I have gotten so many messages to go out and to go for dinner, but I have declined them all simply because I don’t know what to do when I am out. I don’t know what to say and etc. and then there is the nagging feeling that I should be helping out in the house. The people I really want to meet don’t really want to see me or are in Heaven *God bless them*

Went out with my friends last night and I thought I would enjoy myself but I didn’t. I was aching to go home or just to get away. It’s not like I hate them or anything, but nothing has changed. They still tease me and mock me about my weight and etc. just like how they always do. And I just think how sad it is that they still behave this way. How sad that they don’t respect me. And I just couldn't sit there and pretend that everythign was okay when it sure as wasn't. Thank God for Angelus who came to my rescue and sacrificed his sleep to hang out and reminiscence about primary school with me in MCD’s centre point.

Then there is my grandma who isn’t doing so well. She I bedridden now and she will be admitted to hospital over the weekend. Of course there are so many other problems cropping up and my parents are worked out about it and I feel like I am a stranger in my own house at times. I hardly saw my parents this week *sob sob* I see my grandma now and I want to shake her and tell her to snap out of it and to get better pronto but then I remember all too quickly that its not her fault and I berate myself for feeling that way and I think that maybe I should be the one being shaken and asked to snap out of it.

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Sorry that my writings seem to jump here and there, not quite constant but I just have all these random thoughts in my mind. I suppose I just need a good rest and then everything will be better *crossing my fingers* It’s just that I hate this transition I am in at the moment - that and all the other shitty problems I am facing. I am still trying to adapt to the “new working life” and it’s seriously difficult. I miss my old life so much. I feel that some parts of me are missing and that I am not whole and idiot me is still searching high and low for some of the pieces to put everything back again to how it was before. But I know at the back of my mind that nothing will ever be the same again. How can it be the same? Too much has happened. I can't go back to the way things were... ever... It's hard to type that sentence out and even harder to understand it and its implications.

For some strange reason I want to see Polar Express on IMAX (I never got to watch it because the freaking thing was spoilt and I remember Peggy and I were super disappointed about it) and sob about the magic of “believing” and to feel all Christmasy. I love that feeling and you know what I dread the day when the magic slips away from my life. When I do morph into this hard hearted biatch who hates soft cuddly things, little ponies, care bears, stickers, who doesn’t believe in fairies and Angels and all things magical, Please smack me nicely.

I want to sob now... because you aren't here now, because I feel a hole in me and I feel like the world is just going too fast for me to catch up so I will leave you with these words from a song...

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Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe…”

~ Josh Groban “Believe” from the OST to Polar Express ~

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Summer's Here!

Summer is finally here!!!
(for me its here anyways)

Ahhh… the beginning of summer and all the glorious movies.

Went to Singapore over the long weekend and had a pretty good time there. Had super yumyum food this trip down though Taco Bell disappointed me this time round. Went to a new scrapbooking store called Scrapbooking University (they actually give you certs after you graduate) and other scrapbooking shops and have a crazy time picking, looking browsing and choosing new scrapbooking stuffs. ~ Heaven!

Bought quite a lot of stuff *shuffles feet guiltily* from the scrapbooking shops and also a ton of yum chocolates and biscuits too *hoorah hoorah*. Managed to even get a really nice saucepan and set of stainless steel cutlery for my mom’s for a real bargain *OK… Auntie Alert! ~ hehehe* but all in all I had fun. Met up with my cousin Annette too and we had a really good bonding session *grins*

Went to Mission Impossible 3 yesterday night for the premier *thanks Ian… (feels just like the old days!) and had a good time stuffing my face with Famous Amos and popcorn in celebration of Summer (yes, just another excuse to stuff my face)! Also managed to get 2 new editions of BHG scrapbooking magazines from Kinokuniya and some other mags and a new book from TIMES. *hoorah hoorah*

So yes…
Summers Starting
And I am here at work…
Something is wrong with the equation here!
*BAH! But I am going to make the best of it and enjoy myself

Happy Summer everyone!
May you have time to watch all the summer blockbusters and finish reading your Summer book list. I hope I will *crosses finger and toes and wishes on a shooting Star!
Don’t forget the magical thingy tonight. May all your wishes, hopes, dreams and prayers come true.

*Hugsss… miss you guys.
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