Sunday, January 30, 2005
Today I went for another part time/freelance job interview and I got it. The fella actually made me do an essay writing test (I had to write about myself and the economy - gawd! - not to say like this was like some business mag or financial times or something you know...) which he said he liked, and after much talking (my dad who sent me had to wait for like an hour or more in the car) he finally said that I would start after CNY, and the rates and etc. would be discussed then. Hoorah!
Yet inside, I don't feel this joy and jubilation that I should very well be feeling... why? I am not sure... I think some of my friends are mad at me cos whenever I tell them I got another job, they are like "what? another one! why you so easy get job one...?" How should I know? Maybe I was there at the right time. Maybe they wanted a new face and someone with new views and outlooks on life. Maybe... just maybe I can write decently. Yet... I am not as happy as I should be. I guess I am not feeling well so that contributes to me feeling less happy.
The good part about today (besides getting the job) is that I went shopping with my folks and got quite a lot of good buys, yet I haven't found that one perfect top, or bag or pair of shoes for CNY. Got a new book though... yipeee! (thanks Ma) Been wanting to get it for the longest time. Besides that, spending quality time with my folks was pretty fun though in the end my patience ran out... hehehe... (sorries ma!)
At night, I played more PS2 with the Possum... I swear this car crashing game is bad for me - making me so aggressive - but I like it to bits... that and pinball of course... hehehe... gawd i think its like this hour of the night where I laugh myself silly alone and am really jolly simply because today was a good day and I did alot of things. SEE... I am not always negative, pessimistic and gloomy, though I did a great impersonation of Eeyore today. Possum says that I should go and tape my voice for some cartoon or ads, maybe that way I can make more money for the "send *DreamWeaver* to Asutralia fund". Perhaps... Perhaps... Perhaps...
*giggle* I feel like I am high on something... which I am not. Anyways, I best be on my way now. Going to see MLTR tomorrow night with Possum at Genting. What? Yeah MLTR... Possum and I like them... so leave us alone. Thanks Pa, for the tickets. Nightes nightes everyones... *hugs*
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Lately there seems to be a need for me to prove myself... that I am worth something... that I have a reason for living and that I was born to do something great, something...anything...
Lately I seem to be living more often in my own little dream world... perhaps it is only there that I live the life that I really want and where all my dreams are a reality.
I am reminded each day of the changes that are taking place around me. The things that we can control and the things that we have no power over and I am left puzzled and pissed of because I hate not being in control of things.
Then there are the things that you do that on the spur of the moment and you wonder for the upteenth time why you did the things that you did, why you said the things that you did... and you wonder and ponder as hard as you can and make up all kind of hypothetical reasonings in your mind.
I am not sure where my ramblings are taking me today. I just felt the need to write about the consequences of ones actions and the consequences of everything that happens. After each act is done and finished and after each sylablle is uttered... there are so many consequences that you have to deal with that at times I just want to sit in this little hole in some God forsaken place and never need to be a part of this giantic chain of consequences.
I did some things which I am not too proud of awhile back and at times when I am alone and when I stare at that face in the mirror or look at photos of that seven year old girl with the yellow hair band and pink frilly dress, I wonder what I have become and momentarily I hate myself... but the moment evaporates as suddenly as it comes and I am left being me... that me with the imperfections, the me with the sometimes shitty life, the me who tries to fill up the gaps of her empty life, the me who loves and who longs to be loved in return and the me who knows that the day will come when she will only be but a memory...
Monday, January 24, 2005
- SHOUT because you piss me of... but I don't do that because I respect you too much to do that. I know that if i did shout you will be upset and hurt, therefore I keep silent... but remember that one day I will burst and God help us all then. So, please just shut up sometimes ok?
- HIT you because you make me angry... but I can't because again I respect you too much but don't tempt me. One day I will just get into a rage and then... yeah... I apologize in advance though.
- ask you to SHUT UP... but what good would that do? Y0u will open your gab another time and the same things will flow out of it again and hurt me once more... so in short, please hold your tongue in check when you talk to me. If its not constuctive shut up.
- tell you to MIND YOUR OWN BUSSINESS... but I can't. I care too much about your feelings to tell you to stop harressing me... but I have my own shite to deal with so stop adding more troubles to me. Thanks!
- SCREAM at you... but I reckon no use will come out of me shouting, though I will feel heaps better. Maybe I will try this soon.
- RANT & RAVE about it all... bitching is good... but no one tends to really care or understand so the ranting and raving falls on deaf ears... no point really... cos I want to hear some advice.
- SMACK myself for being so stupid... but no matter how much I smack myself it doesn't hurt and in the end I just get tired for no reason in particular. Maybe I will smack my pillow or the wall or something.
- FORGET all the shitty things that has happened... this is difficult to do thanks to really "wonderful" people who keep reminding you of the bad shites that has happened. So how can one forget what they have done and move on?
- REMEMBER only the good things... but the bad things still crowd my thoughts but I try not to dwell on it because the bad things have helped me become the person that I am today.
- RUNAWAY from this life... but then where would I go and who would I become? Any ideas?
- ROB a bank... how sad as I don't have the agility, the equipment or the intellect to do so.
- DRIVE up and down the highway on full speed... yeah... pray that the day I do this, no one I know will be on the road.
- DRINK myself to 'mabukness'... hopefully no one I know has a video camera with them and that they ar equally in the same state as I am in.
- DANCE till I am lame... or perhaps dance till I am too sick and tired.
- ask you to LEAVE me alone... PLEASE quit bugging me and reminding m
e about the past. Its the past stop harressing me.
- EAT all the Jamoca Almond Fudge till I am sick... sadly its too expensive and I can hardly afford 3 sccops... *sigh*
- PACK up my bags and go to Australia... I would probably need to beg at the corner road for the next couple of months, sell all my stuff and then some to finally get there. So set up the "send DreamWeaver to Aussie fund"... thanks!
- CUT up all my lettersets, cards and memory shites... that way I have less things with me and I have more space of other rubbish though I will sorely regret doing this as I have been collecting them since forever.
- BURN all my things... a good way to erase my past, though I know like cutting up my things, I will regret it so much.
Here’s what happened.
After refilling through my kitchen cabinets to look for food to use, I realized that there was a pack of instant fettuccine/pasta type mix. All you needed to do was add milk, water, butter and meat. Not that difficult right? So I got out all the stuff, measured all the ingredients out and started cooking. When the pasta thingy was simmering in the pan, I realized it looked funky… why? It was brown in color. Brown… a sick brown to be exact and the smell was bad. I looked at the instructions and everything was done as it was said.
So what went wrong? Well the expiration date was wrong. It had expired about a year and 5 months ago – thus explaining the color and the smell. However the picture didn’t depict a creamy or tomato based mix; it was the same brownish color though with the lighting it looked slightly better. I decided to allow the brownish mush cook a little longer and when all was said and done, I tried some. It tasted like crap sadly and I was left with no lunch and a whole lot of washing up to do.
Yeah, so much for the return of Betty Crocker… In the end I had instant sausages – popped them into the oven and ate them in front of the telly whilst watching “Dynasty: behind the sex, lies and manipulation”… yeah didn’t have much to do today. So yeah, at least I tried to cook… but nah… next time I will just walk out to tapau something or just starve – good and effective way to diet anyhow. *grin*
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
The last couple of days I have been using the nick *RedSugar* says Fuck You Right Back which has honestly created much confusion amongst my friends on MSN. I guess for someone who believes in fairy tales and happy endings and rainbows and fairies and the like (you get my drift) this is just something rather strange and just... 'tak kenalah'.
I was angry that day when I changed my nick... now, I am alright. I guess the reactions of people and my own ponderings have led me to invariably question myself... who am I really? I mean my friends think it odd that I swear and it is so 'unJoanne-like' to use this sort of language. But when you think about it what language am I supposed to use then? Flowery lovey dovey stuff???
By the way, I got have got currently 2 freelancing jobs. Just went for an interview today and I succeeded... (yipee!) Rushing to finish 15 CD reviews... (I think I am going to get the CDs - so whoever wants cheap original CDs, contact me). Anyways, I have decided to publish the description of myself that one of my editors asked me to write - (I had to write a 250 word description about myself). Read it and tell me what you all think of it. It felt odd and alightly narcistic to write about myself... =) Anyways, for those of you who worried about me, thanks... it really means alot that you all care.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Saturday, January 15, 2005
Had an alright day, though my tummy is acting up and I am at home on a Saturday - heck... I like being alone on Saturday nights. Its ok... I mean one does not have to go out every single weekend to qualify that they have a 'life'. This afternoon went out with my pals to buy clothes and then had a mini feast at BK. Upon arriving at home, I had alittle nap which turned out to be a 4 hour knock-out sleep, which I honestly needed. No bak-kut-teh for me todays with the guys... hope they have funs at Klang... just the thought of driving there and coming back with toddy-infested minds is enough to make me not want to go.
So here I am... I am still waiting for your call... but the phone remains silent and at times when my resolve weakens, I feel like dailing 8 and listening to your voice on the phone... but NO! I will not call. Call me stubborn or petty, but its not my fault and I am tired of always trying to mend broken bridges and patching up leaks. If you aren't going to make and effort... neither am I. I am tired... let us just unravel slowly like torn seams holding something together... I miss you though... more than I will ever admit to anyone.
The day started of late, just like any other day this week and I felt sluggish and alittle annoyed as my sleep was ruined by something... can't remember what now... anyways... so there I was in bed underneath the covers, thinking about what to do today. Decided to watch a movie, so I flicked through the album and found 'Spanglish' - Adam Sandlers new movie. After the movie ended, I was too sluggish to eat (which is a good thing really), so decided to just lame about. So I came online to checks me mails and stuff and guess what. I got three replies for the resume thingys that I sent out. YIPEEE!!!
So tomorrow I will be going for one (actaully later today) and another on Tuesday and another in 2 weeks time (fellow said he was busy). I am happy about that - oh yeahs wish me lucks. =)
Done with checking the mails, I went upstairs and cleared up my closet... sorted them into piles and all that and felt pleased that I could cross out something on my 'To-Do List'. Also decided to be a good girl and help me folks out, so I mopped the upstairs floors, the landing and the stairs and I cleaned my parents room for them... Ahhh... the joy of seeing neat, tiday and clean things. A dinner of yum yum yummy chicken chop followed suit and I loved it... maybe cos I didn't have anything 'real' to eat the whole daylah... but... yeah it was goodlah...
Feeling tired, I took a long bath illuminated by my fairy lights and then relaxed alittle. Then went to talk to me folks and then my friend came to pick me up. Earlier plans to go to Luna Bar was canceled so we is go to the mamaks. The mamaks was good and simple. Saw the piggy lorry and some fireworks... (what more could you ask for?) and then we adjourned from the mamak to go to a friends place to play poker. It wasn't a good night for me as I lost some mullah, but it was god fellowship, joking and playing and crapping to each others. After losing some (most of us lost...) I and another friend of mine hopped into a car and drove.
It was nice to talk about everything that was in our heads and hearts and it was just wow... driving back and forth from the LDP going into Sunway and back out again. It was nice to give and recieve the advice and to pour out everything in you. A big thanks to my friend who did that for me and for putting things into perspective. I will be seeing these bunch of peeps again later today, but I wouldn't get bored of them I am sure. There is always bound to be some interesting antics or jokes or something to make us all have high spirits. Sure if you add some alco things might get more interesting... but for now... this is enough. Its been a good and simple day and eventhough the phone didn't beep with the words 'I am sorry' or 'I love you'... it didn't really matter that much cos I had so much around me today. Nothing is settled in this heart of mine, there are still things that nag me in my heart and in my head, but its all good.
A simple day... thats what is was. A day that I used to take for granted... not anymore...
Wish me luck for tomorrow... aights... =) Hope I will post more good news soonest. Nights...
Friday, January 14, 2005
Sleep In Heavenly Peace...I can't believe that I finally have picture on my blog... hehehe... Once upon a time I always wanted to have pics... and Now i DO... yipeee!!!
Gosh it has been an emo day... sigh... I really think I should be getting into bed now... wish the Possum was here though... Things aren't the same without the Possum though I have to say that life does go on eventually... Goodnights everyone. May Angels watch over you as you sleep...
Not sure if anyone remembered this pic??? Well afew months back my interview came out in the Star papers and I was bitching about it as there were certain things that were left out and all that... (dont' want to think about it no more) So, this is the photo that was in the papers... Ahhh... finally a real photo in My Little Piece of Heaven... *girn* (I feel so happy).... hehehe... the little joys one gets... =)
I hope I get atleast one reply... if not I know my heart will break
I mean my heart is rather feeble (physically also like weak and all thanks to my childhood sicknessed - emotionally also not very strong = bad combination) so I know that if this is negative, my heart will be pain and my ego will be bruised and I will be like so so so demotivated.
Worse of then where I am at now.
Bugger... I hate this period of waiting...
I sent them out... I guess I should just concentrate on that.
So there we were at Zouks for the Mambo Jumbo revival thingy wingy, dancing and boozing (actually me and a girl friend were dancing with all the other peeps to a decent song (finally one came after a few which sucked) when suddenly the music gets cut. I guess I knew what was going on, since my wonderful friends told me some horrifying stories of ppl having to pee into little cups furing new years and at other raids... and well hidiho... well what to you know... there was a bloody raid.
AHHH... my first raid...
This means that I have officially broken like a few new years resolutions but who cares really... On the other side of the spectrum, I can now add some thing to my new list (baru buka only) of 'NEW and Exciting things that happened to me during 2005'.
- my 1st Raid (we didn't get tangkaped)
- my 1st time puking (it was on New Years and apparently didn't look very puke like - sigh - can't do anything right)
Anyways, back to Zouks... lalala... dancing and then STOP! no music and a fellas voice asking all the ladies to go on the left and men to go on the right. DAMN! spoilt me whole nights. I didn't have any issues with them... it would have been good if they had asked me to pee in the little cup cos I needed to go to the loos anyways. I was happily viewing everything like a org from the kampung, when they suddenly say that they only want the Malays to stay and the lain-lain can go back (one of the only benefits of being a Lain-Lain). So there was this mad dash to the gates and everyone was pushing and shoving and my poor little feet got stepped on and the 'look' I gave the stepper was of no use - he pointedly ignored me. Bugger!
So that was the raid lah... yeah no big story here. It spoilt the night I can tell you. Wasted cash on the drinks which we didn't finish and the whole night was ruined. My friends and I decided to go to Hartamas after that, I mean we were all dressed up and had no where to go, so go there onlylah. So we went to this pub and sat there and drank somemore and then we went to Bangsar and stuffed our faces with all the food we could find there. (I tried to eat as little as possible - the key word here is TRY!) After that, we all headed to Possums place where we crashed for the night. I woke up this morning with a stiff neck, an aching back and some worries floating around in my mind. I felt suddenly inadequate and foolish!
Why? When I was at Zouks, I saw the sweepers and the ppls who were like kulis. Everyone around them was having fun, drinking, laughing and dancing... but there they were behind the scenes moving in and out amongst us never once being noticed. But I saw. I saw them...
They probably get like 4 bucks an hour and how much did we spend? I think a good 90% more than that. I felt sad then but I brushed it away just like what I always do these days. Whatever that is against my morals, against my beliefs and things that sadden me... just push it away. No one apprciates a thoughtful person. No one cares if you are sad. They call you party pooper.
But how sad that people in other countries have no food, no houses to stay in... heck they have nothing to call their own anymore and here we are dancing together merrily. Then those poor Malays, give them a break. They just want to have fun and dance and drink. I mean sure it is against their religion, but you can't make anyone follow something. IF they chose to break the rules and law of religion, then they answer to God and not to man who step in for God. I always think that these religious people are alittle over board sometimes - hypocrites I tell you.
Yet even as I type this, I know I will brush it all away again and the next time I get a call to go dancing at a club or to go for a drink, I know I will go. I will push the images from my eyes. Images of the poor with eyes so large and glassy, images of the tsunami victims crying for thier loved ones, images of the people behind the scenes like the garbage man and the cleaning lady. I will push them all away and concentrate on having a good time. Why do I need to care so much about things like this? Sensitive soul? Drifting mind? I dont' know. All I know is that it hurts to see these images in my mind and it hurts to put up with all the craziness, pain and sorrow all around me. I am not that brave like you... I crumble sometimes too like weak pastry clutched too hard - you just don't see it... but I crumble and it takes a while to put everything in its rightful place again and to get my eyes to stop weeping and my heart to stop hurting...
I hear the call of the sea
Silently sometimes thunderously
Calling out to me
The waves that rush on to the shore
Beckons with lulling hypnotic sounds
Sounds of lament and fear
Sounds that only I can hear
Then there are the fiery tides
That spill on to the shore
Which curses, spits and swears
Of the weary sailors unanswered prayers
Rip curls tug the unsuspecting swimmer
And drags them beneath to the deep
Welcoming them with open arms
To an eternal sorrowful sleep
Walking by the shore
That knows and sees this pain
I am wishing I was one with the sea
What an easy way to end my misery
It is then that a light blinds my eyes
A beacon of hope
A light for the blind to see
Reminding me that there is light
At the end of every single tunnel
And I know that it is the truth
I have gained my sight
So I turn my eyes away
From that endless expanse of blue
Away from the melody that beckons
That never ending call of the sea
Thursday, January 13, 2005
That I have a roof over my head
Unlike those homeless people
Who walk the streets
Who have no peaceful nights sleep
No place to call their own
Wandering lost like a soul with no home
I am thankfully blessed
That I have food on my table
That I will never grow hungry
Unlike those that tastes hunger every night
Who long for a meal or even a crumb
With bloated bellies on rake thin bodies
They look a funny sight
I am thankfully blessed
That I have coins in my pocket
I can go down the street
And buy myself something perhaps a sweet
Unlike those that beg by the road
Who long for a coin or two
To fill empty bellies at home
To end lives filled with strive and gloom
I am thankfully blessed
That I live in a peaceful country
Where no bombs fall like fiery stars from the sky
Unlike those who lie awake at night
Who clutch their pillows fearfully
Hearing the sounds of firearms
Just like fireworks exploding in the night
Dreading that one moment
When it will be their turn to bid that last ‘goodnight’
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Of course there are also those moments of fear that make you want to wet your pants, moments of nervousness that make the butterflies fly uncontrollably in the pit of your belly and your heart thump like a marching band drum, or those moments of regret when you close your eyes and wish with all your might that things would change and your could turn back time. All these moments happen in our lives, but the sad part of it all is that, these moments are fleeting moments… moments that pass us all by.
As I grow older and as each year rolls around one after another like and ongoing waves which crash to the shore, I have begun to forget these certain moments and it is sad in a way but I guess sometimes the only way to make room for the future is to let go of the past. As the year draws to a close I thank the Lord for His blessings on me this year. I am thankfully for good health, the love of my family and friends, food on my table, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head.
I await the New Year not with trepidation and fear but with hope. Unlike last year when I was afraid of what the New Year would bring, I am not waiting to see what life has in store for me. The past year has been wonderful and I have for the first time succeeded in achieving my all my new year’s resolutions and actually exceeded them… something which I am very proud of. I look forward to the coming year but still yearn for a chance to recapture those fleeting moments and savour them one last time.
“Fleeting moments they pass me by
Like wings of a buttefly…
I try in vain to capture them
So that when I need to remember
Another place, another time
All I need to do is close my eyes
And go to this ineffable haven
Where all my memories and happiness lie…”
p.s: My first article that came out in the Youth2 Star for the year *grin*
Tuesday, January 04, 2005
uhh... actually it does matter what colour of ink you use and what type of ink it is also. Some smudge easily while other sink in the paper. Call me heartless though you know that is inaccurate and wrong but I can't keep talking about the tsunami. What can I do? I feel useless when I see hours and hours of CNN about the disaster. I feel so sad inside and I feel so guilty. I dont' know what I can do? Money - donated. What else. I see all this despair and here I am feeling so utterly sad that I can't help anyone... sigh...
I feel bad even eating this chocolate... but it calls to me lilke that vile custard bun of long ago. So I ate it. buggers...
and I still feel guilty about the T-SU-NA-MI
(I know i will update this once i get my head right back on and when I am thinking clearly)
Saturday, January 01, 2005
The pass year was wonderfully crazy upsetting and delightful at the same time. Not many people have all their New Years Resolutions done you know. I got all of mine down right down to a T and then some. But yet there is this restlessness in me that yearns for more. More more more... and here I am still empty. The blessed few see that emptiness and know about it but none can help me. I think this is something everyone goes through, a war that one fights alone and comesup victorious with a glint in their eye, perhaps a few bruises here and there and of course that scars that sometimes fade away with time. I am grateful though for those friends who have been with me through all the changes and ups and downs you know who you are, names only tend to instill jealousy and pressure.
Here I am talking like some bitter person... ahh but that is who I am in some ways. The little girl who dreams of happy endings, fairy tales and the like and yet here in me is also is this totally spoilt person... spoilt but what life has thrown on me. I still love my dose of fairy tales and the like yet at the same time I know when there are happy endings and when there are none. Maybe I am not spoilt... just changed... just different...
Happy New Year...