Thursday, August 26, 2004

The case of the Good Day..

Today has been a surprisingly good day. I have to say that with the amount of bad shitty days I have had this month, today really makes everything that was shitty and bad, not so shitty and bad. Honestly it makes everything seem fuzzy and smiley and wonderful. *sigh* if only all days were as such. Almost everything seemed to go right today, like it fit. So, you must be wondering what has got me all happy since three quarters of the time I am bitching about how unfair or how sad and miserable my life is.. (What to do, I am human after all!) Today is a rare threat. I am smiling from ear to ear (Yes, a smile that can melt atleast 2 peoples heart - what an achivement!) whilst I type this and am just happily savouring the moment. =) *grin*

Yeah, so this morning.. I woke up on time for once and didn't have to rush to get the bus. I didn't want to wake up the Possum as Possum's generally like their rest and prove insane when disturbed from their slumber. So I packed my huge arse bag complete with 4 text books (what a nerd) and went down for breakfast of a handful of cereal. To my delight, me mums had cooked some yummy pasta thingy with chicken and sausages.. yumyum.. so I got to eat a REAL breakfast *note that it has been some time since I last ate a REAL breakfast!* I consumed the food with much joy and proceeded to walk to the old faitful bus top to get the wonderful 99 Metro bus, but me bro said "STOP, YOU WANT A LIFT?" Whoppie!!! Never have I turned down a ride from someone cos I really dont' like to take buses, especially when I tote around 4 text books and a MASSIVE bag.

Into the car I went happily lugging the Massive bag behind me and all too soon we were at stamford.. So out of the car I went lugging the bag and trying my hardest to balance all the books and up the stairs I went. I reached the computer lab and dumped all the stuff on the floor and went online to check me mails. There were few that I was happy to recieve and another which froze my blood for a bit. THE RESULTS... I opened the email and the document and was so happy when I saw the results.. I was grinning from ear to ear when my friend broke me out of this little 'blur' I was in and said that we were late for class, so I had to hurry and gather the books and bags and log out from the net. So out we went rushing for the lift and I met the admin person and she asked me if I had seen the results yet and I said 'yeah' and she said "Congrats you are on the deans list!" I said 'oh' and said I was late for class and stumbled along with the books and the massive bag whilst in my head I was shouting, WHOPPEEEE!!!

YES.. finally after much writing and moaning about how shitty it was that I didn't get the deans list last sem (read my posts from last time), I finally manage to be in it. *grin* Besides that, (I will shorten the days events as some people find it difficult to read long and boring posts that I write) I also got asked to be in a print ad for Stamford and was commended by the communications director on my article which will be published in the Stamford newsletter. So yes, it has been a good day. I also followed the Possum to fix his windscreen glass and we went to Tesco together (such domesticated bliss) and had Sushu King.. yum yum.. lil octopus'es!!

I also got a ride home from college with my brother and didn't need to wait for the bus, (thank God) as its going home time and the bus is worse than a tin of sardines, more like a plate of spagetthi. Possum is still stuck in a jam even as I type, thats why I didn't get transport in the first place, but luckily me bro was around 223 so he picked me up. So here I am.. happy as a lark. (dont' know why they say that, do larks smile?) Well.. I have got some emails to reply and some dinner to consume (mums food again -yums) and then I go of to watch Alien VS Predator.. ho hum!

*Thank You God for everything blessed that we have today and every other day and those days when we forget and just can't see that each and everything is really really blessed in some little way..

~ DreamWeaver is still grinning as she types this, if you happen to see her, you would think she was slightly insane, but no matter.. this is what happens on Good Days..... ~

Monday, August 23, 2004

Just A Recap

Almost half the day is gone and I find myself looking forward to just going home and chilling, to be more precise, I want to go home, have something to eat, on the air-con in my room, get out my books and then curl up like a worm and sleep wrapped up in a cocoon made up of my comforter and snuggle up and read the book.. eventually I will fall asleep and that would be excellent.
Once again my head is pounding to the interesting beat of the Chinese techno music and I really want to just use one of my pillows (the Possum cloud one) and cover my head in hopes that the idiot pounding will stop. Why the pounding you ask? Well, last night after a gruelling 7 hours something of work (and a half an hour break in front of an enormous aquarium munching Arnotts biscuits) I went with my new colleagues to some dinky, smells like cockroaches little pub where you can throw the sunflower seed shells on the floor to celebrate a farewell party for one of the cooks. I didn't want to go really, but thought about it again and decided that it would be better to interact and mix with my new colleagues so that it would be better when we interact at work. The night went well, which explains the pounding in my head now. Possum was not pleased when I reeked of ciggie smokes and whiskey (hehehe.. now Possum knows how I feel).
Honestly, I am rather tired these days and haven't spent much time at home. Just 2 weeks ago I was deathly bored of staying home, moaning about how sick I was and having nothing to do.. and now I find that I have too much do and no time for the simple things in life that I used to enjoy. I have to admit that during this time, I learnt alot not only about myself but about others as well. How they survived and moved on in this world, how people really are, how your friends really treat you when you need help and etc.
These things play around in my mind even now as I sit here in the computer lab and write in between classes. It has been on my mind all this time (since I found out about anyways) and I wonder what I can do to help and cope with these things. No, they are not like killing me and I am not worried about it, but I cant help but wonder and think somemore. Its good though, atleast I can think about these sorts of things when I am in the bus or waiting for the bus - keeps me fairly occupied.
If you read my blog and are keeping up with my little life, then you would know that I wasn't exactly blogging very often and there has been the 'lost' of many things in my life.. I wouldn't say that all the things have been found, though atleast there is a hint, a sort of glimmer of hope I guess regarding the finding of all things lost. Sure not all things can be found again, but atleast some of them are, and for that I am ever grateful and happy and blessed to say the least.
I am also so very thankful that I have had so many wonderful friends with me to get me thru this time of searching (no matter how small, I still remember 'em) whether they leave wonderful comments on my blog (thanks Angelus), or if they buy me food and drinks and have hangouts in the park with me (thanks Shaun), or if they chat with me on MSN during the day (thanks Michelle), or if they lepak with you and talk to you again and again and hear over and over about what happend and watch wierd movies with you and wait for ages while you go for an impromtu interview for your job (thanks Nic), or if they go and yum cha with you and just waste the days away with you just cos.. (thanks G), or if they send you SMS' to tell you to smile cos you have a half way decent smile (thanks Jer).. for those of you that I have not mentioned, sincerest apologies. Thanks for your concern on my well being, it really has touched my heart in many ways.
I have to go now.. wish I could write more. There is so much that I want to upload and unload.. hehehe.. sounds so corny. Anyways, just wanted to say 'thanks' and to wish everyone a wonderful week. I am trying desperately still to get the pounding out of my head.. =) hopefully it goes away soon. God bless all of you and I will hopefully write mores.. Keep the comments comings.. Buhbyes..*

Saturday, August 21, 2004


I sit here in front of the PC, looking all lady like with the makeup and dress and I feel like I am sort of lovely decorated present on the outside.. but inside I am empty, I am hollow and I am just so so empty..

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Where are you?

Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?
Where are you?

Light a candle..

Every Sunday or Saturday (depending when I go for mass) for as long as I can remember, I have been lighting candles at church. I am not sure when i started nor the real sybolism for doing so. For me, and I think many others, we see the act of lighting candles to be a sign of hope, of better things to come. For in the darkness, light brings hope and symbolizes comfort. So I suppose along with my prayers, I light candles.

I am not sure if this was a coincidence, I believe it is not.. but when I went to Camerons earlier this year for a church youth camp, I had the strangest experience. I was passing a grotto of Our Lady (Mother Mary), and I wanted to light a candle, but I didn' have any with me. Everyone had already left the church and was heading back to the hostel when suddenly something told me to look to the left of the statue and lo and behold, there were 3 candles there. I was so happy and lit them hurriedly as it was getting dark and I was alone (yeah I am a wimp!)Anyways, the whole experience was wonderful and I had a really peaceful time there praying at the grotto with 3 candles shinning brightly in the ever growing darkness.

Those of you who already know the circumstances in my life and has kept close tabs on me during this 'strange' phase of my life, thank you from the bottom of my heart. For those of you who have no idea, it is ok. The reason for all this talk about candles and hope is because I need that now more then ever.. Hope. Something so elusive, something that everyone strives to hold on to..

Things are looking up for me, yet as I have mentioned in the other blogs, nothing is the same. Its like this painting which is smeared which needs restoration to get back to its former beauty. So, perhaps what I need is more hope that in time, the painting will be as it was before, or maybe even better than before. Hope.. I cling to it so desperately.. I need another miracle I thinks..

Light a candle,
Keep it burning for me..
Offer to the night a thousand rosaries
Light a candle,
Keep it burning for me..
To shine me home at the end of this lonely road ..
Someone please come save me..
Someone please pray for me..

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Extra Butterfly Wings for you ~

I am sitting here typing in the back room with the stark flourescent light shining, hurting my eyes. I turned off the air con cos for some weird reason I actually feel cold. I am not sure why I am not out like I always am, I guess things are changing for me yet again. I got my new time table, I got a new job, I got an A for General Psych class, I got a new soap dish (its pink in the shape of a fish).. but I lost you.

I am sitting here typing in the back room, chatting with people whom I havent spoken to in awhile and it makes me grin this little grin, a neither happy grin nor a dismal grimace. Met a friend from my old secondary school today.. we never really talked I guess cos she was a miss popular and I was the wierd nerd creature.. but we talked today after years of not. It was nice - I was grinning and felt fuzzy though the fuzziness didn't last very long as I sank back to earth on that red cushioney seat.

Totally out of context, You know what.. my faith in you has lessened and I find myself clutching at torn whispers hoping that this time, once more, things will be different. I am missing you even as I type and as I think of you.. willing the silent phone to ring, but it does not.. So I am moving on.. things change.. people change, or maybe you just didn't know them to begin with. I so hate my ramblings and how my thoughts get so jumbled and mixed up.. but then again, its just me.

Classes are starting, work will take up most of my free time..then there is church and chores.. So yeah.. I guess I am going to move on instead of waiting like I always do. You know where to find me if you need a friend, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to make you smile.. I just wanted to hear your voice and have your blessing so to say, about everything that has happened. I guess in some ways, I will still wait for that.. on the other hand, You know that I will always be here, waiting for you at the edge of the rainbow with my Butterfly wings in hand (yes, there will always be an extra pair for you). I miss you.. I really do.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Its just not my day..

Am sad, Am blue
There is nothing much to say
My trust and heart has been broken
My handphone has been stolen
Its just not my day..

Thursday, August 12, 2004

My Girl Friends

I have honestly never had many girlfriends. I am not sure why but I used to envy those bunches of girls that used to hang out all the time. Sure I had my group as well, many groups at that, but some how I never really opened myself up to them, mainly out of fear or perhaps I was just too wary and careful in my own little way. I guess I find it difficult in some ways to talk to girls cos they seem to judge you even before they know your whole story and tend to be more competitive of everything. It really bugs me about that. Perhaps that is why I tend to have more guy friends than girl friends. People thinks that I am 'gatal' but I guess I have come to this stage where I don't hear what others say anymore cos there is always bound to be one person who will condemn me for nothing in particular that I have done.

Thankfully I have got quite a number of them wonderful girl friends now. Really wonderful people whom I can call at any hour of the night to moan and bitch about how unfair life is or how ugly and shitty I look that particular day and stress about the way things have turned out. It is to them that I reveal all the little shitty details of my life that to my guy friends seem totally insignificant and albeit trivial. "I love you" said the Possum (in no way is that related to what I wanted to stress about the wonders of girl friends)

But think about it really, who can stand talking on the phone for a good 3 hours about the injustice of life and the "difficult" days we have thanks to bad hair days and pimple outbreaks. Who can go on and on about why "guys are just like thatlah..." and complain and site numerous examples of girls in simillar situations. Those nights listening as we bitch and ponder about God or about life is also very eye opening, those conversations about sex and many accompanying tales of related topics also make me smile now as I recall them.

So this brings me back to the topic of my Girl Friends.. what can I say? Even if they live a few continents away, they live near my house or if I only see them once in a really blue moon, it doesn't matter..... they are really wonderful people who not only love you because of your eccenticities, your snorts, the way you can make silly jokes when they cry thus forcing them to laugh but because they understand you and care for you nontheless. They are the type to call when you need to unload, to bug you with SMS' about what happened until you finally give in and tell them what "really happened", to loan you money when you really need to buy something, to send you wicked emails, send you really funny cards on seemingly normal days, give you surprise gifts, leave flowers in your post box because you needed cheering up and a whole lot of things that my wonderful guy friends will never do just because they are men.

It is almost feeding time and I should stop typing.. and proceed to read again whilst I wait for the fooods (am at Possums again), my parents are working late again. Dearest, girl friends of mine, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being there, for listening, for the laughs, for the rides, for the smiles and thoughtfulness.. if you sometimes feel that I don't really appreciate you all and favor the guys more than you all, I apologize but you are sorely mistaken. There are so many things that they will never come close to sharing with me. I love you all and can't wait to see you all again. Life is all taking us down different roads and most of you all are working already, but know that no matter what I will be here for you just as I am sure you will be there for me when I need you all. Miss you all heaps. So here is a whole load of huggssss and kissessss (the normal ones of course) from me to you all.... XOXOXO, God bless and Angels watch over you..

Strangest Feelings..

I saw this photo of someone I knew, though that person has ceased to exist in my life (no that person isn't dead - but sure feels like it), and for some unknown I was overcome with his strangest feeling of sadness..? of longing..? of missing..? I don't know how to describe it and I doubt any dictionary would have the word I need.

It got me momentarily shocked so much so I only jumped out of the reverie when I heard the phone ring.. I don't know how much time passed whilst I stared at the photo, I don't know actually what I was thinking to be honest. Just the strangest of feelings kept washing over me.. like I remember the person but I don't.. and in some ways I think thats how it is. I knew that person and now I don't..

I picked up the phone, still staring at the photo and I don't remember what I said, just continued staring at the photo transfixed still.. After while longer staring at something so profoundly numbing to my mind, I closed the window and the photo was gone. I think I am happy that its gone, so that the face doesn't haunt me anymore, but who am I kidding. Now even as I type this I can see the face ever so clear in my mind, whispering to me and taunting me. I think I will go and read now.. before I end, I just want to say that "yes, I miss you too.."

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

* Being 21 *

I am now Twenty One.. and if I keep saying that to myself, maybe then I would start realizing the complexity of the situation. What is so confusing you might wonder? Well you see it’s like this, I am an adult now. An adult.. gee.. even writing this is scaring me silly. I guess being 21, is like a wake-up call, you aren’t a child, a teenager, or a young adult… you ARE an adult. You are legal, you have the keys to freedom.. hmmm.. don’t remember getting a key on my birthday though..

Anyways, there was one afternoon when I realized that 3 years have passed since I got home from my student exchange program, 4 years since I have left high school, and 8 years since I have left primary school.. sorry, I think I was rather bored that day.

Nevertheless, it got me thinking about all the changes that have happened to me through these many stages of my life. I have started realizing that there are a lot of things about myself that I didn’t know about and come to think of it, may not even like. So I start to feel slightly insecure and wonder where I will be in a year or two and then get scared because I barely know where I am now. When I was in primary school I wanted to be a piano teacher and I never reached grade 6; In secondary school I wanted to be a lawyer, though that was before I realized how many books, facts and cases you have to memorize.. And now I am in the communications line and I think.. Do I really want to do this?

And then I start to think about people in general, how they are not all good and kind and helpful as I once believed them to be. Out there in this world, perhaps even round the corner there are some really selfish and down right mean people, people that would use probably use me and then chuck me aside when they are done with me. Then there are those friends who I thought were so close to me, who really are not exactly the greatest bunch of people that I have ever met, though I was too wrapped up in my own little world to realize that. (I mean sure everyone is fighting his or her own battles, but please give me a break!)

This also brings to mind though, the wonderful people that I have had lost touch with or had falling outs with, the people who once played a big role in my life whom I have forgotten and also the people that have stuck by me though all the ups and the downs in my life, who have been there for me at 4 am in the morning when I needed to hear one more time that “everything would be ok”, the ones that brought me food and comfort on days when I was sick and miserable. More importantly, I have also come to realize how important God and my family are in my life, the very foundation of my life and existence.

There are also times when I begin to reminiscence about the good old days; days when I was young and naïve days when I used to believe in Santa Claus, fairies, pixies, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and the whole lot of those whimsical fairy-like things. I remember that life was so magical then, anything could happen if I only believed it.. (I still believe that they do exist though that is entirely another story) I remember all the things I have done, the people that I have met and the places that I have been to. The loved ones that I have lost, the heartaches, the trials and tribulations and of course the wonderful happy memories and moments that can still bring tears of absolute joy to my eyes and of course a hell of a good laugh coupled with a snort.

I am also beginning to understand myself more and I have come to realize what I want and don’t want in life. My opinions have gotten stronger and I stand up for the things I believe in. I also know that sometimes in life there are some things, which I have to do simply because there is just no other way, and though that may suck big time, that is the way life is. There was a time when I used to cloud out the bad and ugly things in the world and see only the wonderful and beautiful things, but now I have begun to see things as they are and not as I want them to be. I see all the pain and the joy, the poverty and the greed, the sadness hopes and broken dreams all around me. There are times when I laugh and cry just because I feel like it (try it, its good for the soul apparently) and there are also times when I feel alone and scared and confused.

I also have the tendency to worry about everything under the sun and on other times I feel like I don’t have a care in the world. I now also see that change is an enemy and I try to cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize the past is drifting further and further away from me, slipping through my fingers like sand and there is nothing I can do but stay where I am or move forward because without change I cannot progress.. this is all so confusing at times; it is difficult to let go of all that you once knew but again I have also learnt that sometimes in life it is not the holding on that makes one strong, it is the letting go.

And now after all this rattling on about me being 21, and all the experiences in my life and all this confusing thoughts passing through my mind, I realize that perhaps this is the best and worst time in my life and I am still trying as hard as I can to figure out this whole thing. I know I am still as this junction in my life where I am trying to find some sort of meaning, some direction.. Perhaps I am even hoping for some divine intervention type thing to fall from the Heavens telling me that YES this is the way… this is what you should do. But there hasn’t been a huge sign in the sky, not even a speck to say the least. But I am not worried about it now… I am savoring every moment I get. I may sound all weird and confused, I dare see sort of bimbo-ish, but I have realized now that no one has a perfect life, that everyone’s life full of ups and downs like a see-saw and so why should I pretend to have a prefect, clear cut life? Life is how you make it to be we have to write out own stories and chart out own course. So cheers and good luck to all those 21 year olds who are the gates of adult hood.. Enjoy.. I sure am!

* P.S: This was supposed to be the article that should have been published..sigh!!!

I can explain...

Its early in the morning and I feel sick.. gawd! Why am I bitching on this glorious morning? Well look in the Star papers, todays edition and there in the normal Youth2 section you can find my face along with the other half in it.. THAT WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!! gawd.. Lets see what else is not supposed to happen: -
a) The picture of me was supposed to be cropped..
b) The picture of me wasn't supposed to have idiot captions which tell the whole of freaking Malaysia that I only remember my first real relationship and my first real kiss..
c) The stupid article that they interviewed me about in the first place didn't bloody come out
d) Instead they put an edited piece of the interview in which highlighted idiot nonsense making me sound
e) Gawd.. what the hell.. the whole reason I agreed to the interview was because of the piece I wrote and gawd, the piece is not even published (sure its not some great literary piece and all that, but still you know..)
f) I think the other half is not to pleased to see the photo in the papers since he thinks he looks bad in it and I never even told him about him
g) What would my relatives and friends think? (SHUDDER! - Have half a mind to switch the phone off, been getting heaps of SMS' already)
h) What would my parents think??? (double shudder! - thank God they don't open the papers till later, oh.. but knowing thier friends, they will probably tell them bout it anyways)

Yes, what a way to wake up on a Wednesday morning.. The other half just called and he hasn't seen the papers yet, though I told him about it and the photo, stressing that it was supposed to be cropped.. sigh...

And geee.. what happened to all the nice buttons that I had on the other computers? I don't have any rich text tools, so this will all be in black.. then again, great.. cos it fits my mood just fine.. ARGHHH!!!

Gawd.. its online as well..
just die.. (I shrivel up in a ball and die..)

Okay, I am a drama queen.. so sue me! This is the crisis of the week you know. (yes my life doesn't get more difficult than this at the moment - the holidays are that boring!)
So think about the good part, think about the good part... hmm... think about the good part.. ok.. if I was an advertised I would save some money as my picture and column is coloured (yeah saves cash!)........ hmm..... yeah........ publicity whether good or bad is good....... (which idiot said that in the first place?)

This is useless.. I feel dumb even writing this down.. but gawd.. this is like such a blow. I really wanted my article to come out and it didn't. Makes me feel like some idiot I tell you.. arghhh!!! Sorry but I just feel like venting.. I am not sure if anyone understands but when something doesn't turn out the way you want it too and tons of pepople see it.. well the feeling ain't so great!
I think I am going to go and watch a VCD now.. atleast it will help me get my mind of things.. but then again who am I kidding??

On a lighter note.. anyone wants the page autographed??

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Betty Crocker I am NOT!

Today I tried to do something nice for Possum since it seems that I never get to do anything for him.. so I decided to cook him breakfast. I am not feeling well, so cooking was some what difficult task considering that I already can't cook for nuts whether I am well or not. So I woke up at 8.30am and began the task of cooking.. and it was one of the most difficult things that I had to do in awhile.. yes yes... please stop laughing.. cooking is not thing that I am capable of doing. You might me wondering what was on the menu, what great dishes I had in store for Possum and me.. well... (drumroll please..) Scrambled eggs, Sausages and Bacon.. yes.. that was all and it took me forever to cook them and well since I was sick, I could't taste anything so I wasn't sure what the taste was like.. *sigh* Well, Possum was very happy when he came, and was touched that I took the troubled to undertake such an adventurous task like cooking for him. Asked him how his food tasted and he commented and said that there wasn't any taste, except one.. and it started with L... hehehe.. how corny. But yeah, I think that will be my last cooking thingy for awhile..

After breakfast, Possum left for college and I was just online checking mails and then I read some of my books and watched a VCD.. and just lamed about. When he finsihed with college, we went to 1Utama to have tea and get some groceries.. (Gawd.. doesn't this scene sound so domestic - it does for me even as I type this down and in some ways its wonderful, but on another entirely different level, I am scared..) Went to his place to play a few games of hyperbowl before going for dinner with my folks (Dad's birthday) and while I was sitting down in the dining hall, the mum gave me a Bonia handbag that she bought for me.. I was surprised but was happy that she even thought of me, much less bought me something.. by the way the bag is nice =) *grin*

Dinner with my folks was good. Possum actually gets along very well with them, even with my brother. After dinner we went back to Possums to play afew more rounds of Hyperbowl and while we played there was one time when I was laughing at something that Possum said that I fell of my chair which provoked more laughter and wheezing on my part.. as for Possum he had a jolly good time laughing about it.. gawd.. so embaressing.. but then again I am used to it - being laughed at for my silly antics.. oh well..

So all in all I guess it was a productive day though at the end of it I felt super sick and just wanted my bed. Abducted Possum's super comfortable pillow (which really feels like a cloud) for my own - and it is mine now! Yipeee!!! Yeah nothing much to write.. so like narrative - arghh... Going to go and sleep nows... nites nites.. I am gonna sleep on a cloud tonight...

Wednesday, August 04, 2004



It seems that everyone of us is waiting. Waiting for ...... just something?
Everywhere I look or turn, I see someone waiting so much so that waiting has become such an integral part of our lives.

Waiting.. waiting with patience for something or someone to show me the right path.. the right road to take, the right words to say, the right things to do... I am not sure when my prayers will be answered, Not sure when there will this blinding light of divine providence from Heaven... Not sure about anything really...
So what do I do? I wait...
I am waiting for a call, a sign (ppl say that there are omens and signs everywhere), an SMS... something.. NIL.. the phone does not ring or beep, the signs and omens if there are any are blur or clouded over and I cant see them.
So I keep on doing that thing I always do...

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

The Sweetest Things...

~ Sweetest things I remember ~

* Having a hand to hold when you are sick
* Sleeping like spoons under the comforters in a freezing room
* Sharing ice cream cones
* Having someone look at your while you sleep and upon waking up, it is them that you see when you open your eyes and you hear them say "Just was thinking how much I love you..."
* Sharing the best bits of food together
* Having someone to hold all your stuff for you when you go shopping
* Getting little surprises each day
* Having a surprise breakfast in bed
* Having one day trips out of the blues
* Hugsss when you are sick
* Smiles when you are sad
* Someone singing songs to you (eventhough it hardly sounds like the original song)
* Watching movies together with beer and whisky in the cinema
* Playing hyperbowl like some wierdos with nasi lemak and soya bean for snacks
* Shopping for fishes and having someone to debate about the fishes and animals
* Sharing chuppa chups
* Having someone break the crab claws for you and giving you all the flesh
* Having someone who can immitate the cartoons voices
* Dancing in the moonlight and under the stars
* Having someone ride the monorail with you and actually enjoy it
* Watching foreign films together
* Driving to and from school everyday to pick you and send you home
* Doing chores with you
* Going for mass together and lighting candles in the dark
* Counting the stars at night and trying to find constellations

(I am in a sappy mood now - really think that this is because of the strepsils and earl grey which I am dilligently taking - overdose I reckon!!!)

+ In My Shoes +

Just for one day, can you step into my shoes?
Can you live the life I lead?
Can you heal and mend this heart of mine that bleeds?
Just for one hour, can you step into my shoes?
Can you see the pain and misery?
Can you help build my life again and save my family?
Just for one minute, can you step into my shoes?
Can you see all around me the death, disaster and starvation?
Can you give me something to eat, awake the dead and send me medication?
Just for one minute, can you step into my shoes?
Can you hear the screams I hear?
Can you feel the pain I feel?
Can you taste this empty hunger?
Can you stop those that maim and kill?
Can you stop to think and ponder
About all this abounding horror?
Can you please...
Please step in my shoes and know how I feel
And if you can't pray that we will find a Savior......

~ From an MSN chat room ~

* RedSugar * says:
NO... I don't want to be like that...

* RedSugar * says:
Don't you see?

* RedSugar * says:
I am tired of waiting for the arms of someone to hold me and comfort me, to cheer up my days, to hang out with me, to send me flowers, to make me feel special, to make me happy...

* RedSugar * says:
I just want to be able to stand alone and be happy of my own accord and not need someone to be the sole source of my happiness or the reason why I am the way I am, You understand?

* RedSugar * says:
Sure its great to have someone with you, to make your days seem brighter and everything seem so wonderful, to take you out on date nights, to make you smile when you are sad and etc...

* RedSugar * says:
But then when you think about it, nothing is for certain - I mean look at the numerous relationships that I have had.. all of them failed (sadly) and its not some game that I play. Its not all fun and games you know. It sucks when you put your heart on the line and it gets broken and trampled on along the way. (Sure this relationship that I have is great, but then who is to say that it will work out?)

* RedSugar * says:
I can't build my life on him, on a relationship that may or may not work out. Nothing can be guaranteed in life and I just want to be able to stand alone and need no one, so that if I fall, there will be no one to blame but myself and I will be able to heal better.. I want to be able to do things on my own, for my own self... To get back on my feet sooner because as I have learnt, a broken heart is no easy thing to mend I tell you.

* RedSugar * says:
You know what, I want to be independent to say I did it on my own. I don't want to sit up and wait for someone to call, or someone to be with me. I don't want to think where is he tonight? What is he doing? Who is he with? And get all paranoid and needy about it...

* RedSugar * says:
I am sick of needing people in that way, sick of needing something to fill up this empty spaces inside of me...

# RedSugar is still in the process of needing someone though this "Needy" sickness of hers lessens even as you read this...... Please pray for a speedy recovery or a cure!

Ramblings of an Old Froggie..

As I sit here sipping my steaming hot Earl Grey tea, I can't help but feel old. Everyone else is asleep and I can't cos my lungs and throat hurt like no ones business and I know that when I do eventually get to bed, I will still be coughing and sounding ever like a frog. It seems as if I cannot talk properly and everyone I talk to laugh when they hear me, some say its sexy (though I know its for solely my self-esteem that they say this things so that I don't dwell in this murky little hole of depression) though Possum breaks out in laughter everytime I speak to him and my folks ask me to repeat myself like 20 times before they know what I am trying to say.. Gosh! At this rate I will really lose my voice... (Hey stop cheeringlah!)

I have been feeling really lethargic and I just want to do so many things as this is the holidays that I have been looking forward to since June and now that its here, I am not enjoying it at all. Possum says that today (later today) we will do something fun, but I feel too tired to do anything like shop or bowl or whatever... arghh!!! I just want to get better and go on a holiday.. but everyone is working or studying or busy with their own stuff... (oh well) Maybe I will go somewhere myself (YEAH, as if that could ever happen *sniff*)

I guess today I did something worth while - I cleaned out some of my drawers but I couldn't do much cos all the stuff overwhelmed me and I just had to sit and sort thru all the things. I found so many letters and cards and posties from my friends and I guess I felt bad for not replying them all. Hmmm.. mental note to oneself to do that during the holidays. I might have a letter writing day.. yeah, that would be fun! GAWD! see what I mean by being an old froggie? Being all excited about a letter writing day.. gosh! YUMMMM... the tea is delicious without those nasty sugars and the creamy milk. So hot sliding down me throat... yumm.. hope it clears up my throat...

Hmmm.. more ramblings.. watched a movie at home today called "White Chicks", and it was hell funny. I almost cried watching that show - I guess I hadn't seen anything interesting in awhile,(dont' want "Godsend" - its a real bad show) plus I haven't been doing anything cooped up in the house alone!!! Oh gawd, forgot to return my idiotic critical thinking text book to the library... (mental note 2, go to college to drop of book and pay $1 to the lady for forgetting to return the damn nasty book!!! Honest that book sucks and I hope that I never have to use it again!)

Ah, well... thats done, the tea has grown cold and my eyes are beginning to fall ever so slowly.. Aights, so that means I will be ending these ramblings of an old froggie now and hopefully my throat and lungs will be better tomorrow and my next entry will be more upbeat and less frogish! *smile* Possum says I sound cute, so if anyone want to hear the cute voice call me for this once in a life time chance.. nights!

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