I just got a call not too long ago from a good friend who asked me out for a drink and I had to give him a time frame in which I was available to see him. Only and hour was all I had to spare I said. He then declined and said that in that case, it was all right, never mind.. and he hung up.
Now after that call, I fell strange. I feel like picking up the phone and calling him to tell him that I can make it and that I will see him and all my friends whom I haven’t seen in awhile. But I can’t. I can’t pick up the phone and call him to tell him that I can go because I have already made plans. It sucks though. Really it does. Saying “no” to friends has never been easy for me. This is even harder because I think that this group of friends and I have drifted away. I have reasoned it all out and I think that there is no one to be blamed in this matter. There are no people to point fingers at and no reason why this has happened.. it just did and time slipped by us and it has been awhile since we all sat down and had a chat, a laugh and a drink or two.
I remember those times when they would swing by and we would all go and have fun, laughing and talking the night away. The parties and fellowship that we shared together is all but a memory now. Sad how in a span of 3 months, things can change so rapidly and I find myself grasping at things that were never mine to begin with. There was a good illustration that I read in a book a long time ago, whereby relationships are like sand clutched in your hand, the harder you squeezed the more sand slipped by but the less you squeezed, the possibility of having more sand in your hand would increase. (Or something along those lines) I guess maybe this time I am holding on a little to loosely.. But I do not know where to begin to mend this gap of sorts between us all. I wonder too if I have changed in such a short time, or if they have changed or if it is just us and ‘time’ which has passed us all so quickly.
I guess in some ways I have changed - College has started again for me, church work has increased, I have new friends and my own nonsense to deal with.. But it can’t be that I am a totally different person now, could it? I know now what I want in life, about what I can and cannot take, and I am more certain about things that were once very cloudy and blur in my mind, but they, my friends are what I need and want still. They are still such a special bunch of people and its sad to say ‘no’ to them and sad to see them go about doing things without me, I do feel left out but accept that these things happen because I guess that is the price you pay when ‘time’ and ‘change’ merge together.. .. ..