Friday, May 28, 2004

Always second best...

Yup yup.. thats is how I feel at the moment, and that is how I have felt numerous times in my life - Second best. As you would have guessed by now, I have gotten my results, and it is not that favourable. Well honestly I did better than I thought I would do. I honestly thought I was going to flunk my Management Principles paper, because I just gave up on studying for it as I was really far behind due to me starting in the middle of the semester. I know that it was a really wrong thing to do and I should have tried harder, but then again I guess there are alot of things that I could very well do and try harder at, given the unlikely possibility that I could turn back time. But oh well, I guess I should be satisfied with what I got, but sadly I am not. Bye Bye deans list. Maybe the next exams huh? If you are still wondering what I got, I got an A, two A- 's and one C+. Yeah... oh well.. atleast I didn't flunk anything. (I am trying in vain to console myself)

I honestly find that strange.. Me comforting myself over my exam results. Once upon a time, I would have been over the moon had I gotten C's for my results. Just passing was like WOW.. and I would be over the moon with just passing. But now, getting a C is like 'SHITE, I got a C' (Gasp! The Horror! The Horror!)I honestly don't know when and why this has happened, I guess people do change and I guess I realized that getting good grades was difficult but not impossible and that I wasn't really that stupid after all. I guess a few weeks before SPM really changed me, I did the best I could then, but it was to late.. but since then I have strived to prove to everyone that I am not stupid or blonde. (sure I may act all dizzy and blonde, but trust me.. I am by all means NOT either of them!)

So yeah, second best. That is me. Only once have I gotten first in class, that was in standard one, a jolly good 15 years ago. Geesh! Talk about a long long time. Then there were the times when being first was always just within reach but alas.. it would fall into the hands of others more worthy than I. Besides studies, I have always been second best in the family, or so that is how I feel. Everything seems to revolve around my brother and I didn't have the same oppotunities that he got.. and honestly I don't buy that whole "He is a boy..." crap! Equality I say!!! I wish that my parents would choose to listen to me instead of my brother about how our days went. Only after he has babbled on about his day am I allowed to speak. GAWD!!! It frustrates me so much, but I have learnt to live and deal with it and I don't resent him or them, just hope that one day they will actually take me seriously and listen to what I have to say first.

Then there is me being second best to my friends. There are times when they need me and I am their top priority in their lives. These are the times when they need a shoulder to cry on, someone to listen to or someone to just be with. Then when the times are over and done with, they move on to 'greener pastures' until their next bout of unpleasantness comes along, and hi di ho, to the phone they go to call Jo. (Hey it sort of rhymes)Then there are the times when they are really bored and they have no one to hang out with and they decide to call Jo. I should have a hotline for that 1-8000-CALL-JO (Should charge them RM2.50 a minute that way atleast I will be making some money out of it!) *sigh* I know it all and I still put up with it - for whose sake I wouldn't know. Its sad, you know caring for people that don't really care for you. Sure there are those wonderful friends who are there all the time, and I really thank them for that, but the numbers sadly have dwindled to a handful. Perhaps in some way I am guilty of making others feel like they are second best, but I never realized that and if I did that, I am really sorry about it.

Last but not least is the feeling of being second best to the ones that you love. Its strange how you know that you can never replace the girl who was the love of your boyfriends life before.. how you will always be in her shadow.. how he wil never care as much for you and he did for her no matter what you do or say. Its also sad to know that he chose you simply because you were there at the right time at the right place. Yes, second best. It is also again sad to know that while you were in his life, he never felt complete, and that he wished for someone else to be there with him instead of you. Yes, second best. Its like, "Okay, can't have the gold, might as well settle for the silver - better than nothing right?" (Yet in their minds, they still yearn for the gold that they could not have at that moment)Can't someone.. anyone just love me for who I am and not because I am available.. is that really too much to ask for?

Strange how I seem to attract boys like these.. (I don't use the word 'men' because I don't think they are 'men'yet) How sad. I think I may have a problem with my radar or something as I seem to pick the men that would seriously turn my life up side down and then proceed to leave me with the wonderful job of making it right again. Oh well! I can't say that all my relationships were like that. Sure there were the odd ones that really put me as their number one, so much so that I felt like I was being suffocated.. I guess I am just fussy, but I reckon that it is my life and this is how I feel.

So yeah, second best. Gawd, this is an awfully long entry. Sorry.. Just get that way sometimes.. I write and I write and I never seem to be able to stop. Anyways, I would like to make a toast, to the people who are feel as if they are always second best, Hope that one day soon, you will be number ONE.. and My My, wouldn't that be a wonderful day! CHEERS!!!


Laine said...

hey you, visit mine at
i'll link u up ok. where did u see my pics? aww how sweet of u. you're not too bad urself. looking sweeter and sweeter each day. >_<

HabitualDamnation said...

i, like you, was once first in class in primary one. unfortunately, someone told me it's only because everybody else was stupid because it's a rural school. what's the fuckin use. just eat well and get by.

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