In Pursuit of Happiness...

In pursuit of Happiness

I believe that everyone in life longs to be happy. To feel that sort of happiness that bubbles from the very core of your being, not that type of forced happiness that makes you smile a plastic smile so that people around you wouldn’t ask you for the zillionth time ‘What’s wrong?’ Yes, pretending to be happy… that’s what most of us are doing and sometimes we tend to fool ourselves into believing that we really are happy. Trust me on this when I say that pretending to be happy is a full time job and so is showing the world that everything is going on just fine and dandy. (The quote ‘ignorance is bliss’ is very much needed here)

I wasn’t feeling very well the past couple of weeks and as I lay in bed thinking about my life, I wondered if I really was happy. I began with thinking about the possessions I had, the things I had acquired with my hard earned money and I realized that although I was happy that I had them, I wasn’t “truly happy”. I felt that this sort of ‘happiness’ comes from showing the world that YES, you have it, you made it, you succeeded you have all this material stuff to show for… and you know what, it only makes me want more things, things that if I probed deeper into, would realize that I don’t really need or like in the first place – I guess this all has to do with ego and showing the world that ‘you can do it' and that 'you have it'...

Then I started to access the relationships I have with my friends (danger zone), and I realized that there were problems in that department as well. I can recall of hand the countless friends that made me feel angry and upset with the words they said and the actions that they did or perhaps didn’t do and then I realize, ‘Gee, with friends like these, who need enemies?’ It also made me see with clear unpolluted eyes, what a push over I am and it made me see myself in truer colors (it upset me quite alot, really!) I never really spoke up when my own good friends ridiculed me and I never stood up for friends who needed help, just because I wanted to unsure ‘peace’ amongst all parties and I kept my opinions to myself even though I disagreed and a whole host of other 'problems' with myself. Sounds like I am a peacemaker, huh? Perhaps I am, but I hate it! I hate the way that I can’t speak up because it truth, it hurts inside and heck I am by all means not happy in the 'friends department'. I don’t understand why I tolerate it all really… just a note here though, not all my friends are like that. I do have some really wonderful friends who are gems and who are really wonderful people that keep me sane and functioning(grin).

By now you must wonder what I am getting at, what is the point of all these words? Perhaps you think that I am some sort of crazed, mentally imbalanced person (which to a certain extent i think i am), rambling on about life and how unsettling and strange my life is, but I realize that if you don’t take some time to look at your own life and analyze where you are and where you are headed and where you want to go, you never truly get there. You never really settle the issues that you face, you just sweep it under a carpet and hope in time it will fade and be forgotten. Sorry, I have learnt sadly through numerous trials and errors that things don’t work that way. A friend once told me, happiness is not a destination, it is a journey.

And so yet again, I began the arduous task of thinking about my life and about things that I wanted to change and about the things that made me happy. I know that implementing things will be difficult, but change is not an impossible task. I believe that some people have already noticed the change in me and some of them don’t really like it, but I do and that’s what matters the most I think. I reckon I might eventually lose some friends this way, get into some silent wars or crazy outbursts and all that... but when I think about it, if thats whats gonna happen, then..... bring it on!!!

Well, back once more to the issue of happiness, the sort of happiness that bubbles up from the very core of your being, the type of happiness that makes you want to scream and laugh out loud, the kind of happiness that enables you to float on clouds when you walk... well I realize that there is such happiness in my life still. I am not pretending, it really exists… I just happened to forget about them thanks to the world and circumstances around me.

So what makes me happy??? Well, here goes, watching the sunrise, marveling over the colors of the sunset, dancing and prancing around my room to Tchaikovsky’s ‘Waltz of the Flowers’, long walks in the park, watching movies cuddled under warm blankets, reading a good book with chocolate chip cookies, finding good bargains, receiving an unexpected phone call, SMS, or email, having the last seat on the bus, getting snail mail from friends overseas, walking down the beach and feeling the sand underneath my feet, watching old couples hold hands, watching a jet fly across a perfect blue sky leaving a white streak behind it, feeding tortoises in the park, doing my arts and crafts, having surprise breakfasts in bed, realizing that I have extra money in my wallet, candles flickering in the wind, going shopping with my mum, talking to close friends till the sun comes up, massages, watching the stars at night, having the bus arrive on time, smiles from strangers, ice cold drinks and cool breezes on a hot day, invitations for ice cream, having lunch cooked for you, surprise manicures, hugs when you are lonely, watching movies alone, playing virtual bowling all afternoon, walking in the park, flowers in your mailbox... and you know what, if I go on, the list would take forever… and I realize that YES, I am so very blessed to have had so much happiness in my life… and you know what else, I know that there will be more happiness to come very soon. And as for the rest of you all reading this or glancing through, may you have as much happiness if not more happiness in your life as well...