Last of my 2008 ponderings

Once again I find myself in the same frame of mind, wondering where the year went to and as always noting how time flies. Today is the last day of 2008 and on one hand I think “Thank God”, for I thought this year would never end and at the same time I think “Gosh, there are still so many things left to do that I wanted to do (recalls long list of so-called resolutions and ‘one days’) but never got around to doing”.

And then for some strange reason, I do not feel the need to celebrate, to don my best (then again, what is my best?) and to party the night away. Instead, I am content just being with the ones I love just doing something simple like watching the fireworks and just ‘oooo-ing’ and ‘ahhhh-ing’ at the colours and designs that light up the night’s sky momentarily like expensive magical fairy dust. Or to just play poker, talk over drinks and to laugh at the year gone by and to make more plans and “one days” for the year to come.

To say that 2008 sucked, would be a lie. To say that it was fantabulous would also be a lie. I guess just like every year that has passed me by, I find that it is a combination of sucky and fantastic. My 26th year (short of 2 months), has made me realize a number of things, the most important being that family is one of the most important things in your life (possible the mostest important) and although you might not agree, want to smack them with a trout every now and then or see eye to eye with them on a lot of things, they are the people that matter the most.

Then there is the realization that some times, things just really don’t matter. The size of your body (still working on this), the brand of your bag, the label on your clothes, the place where you live, how you speak, where you shop or hangout, how cool you appear to be… all these things don’t really matter. These are just things on the outside, a sort of shell or force field that we use to protect ourselves from the world and from around those that we do not know, and sometimes even the ones we know the best.

After much thinking these couple of days, I have gathered some insights and have thought about the things that really matter to me (smiles): How you treat others and how you make them feel. Letting the ones you care for know how much they mean to you. Loving oneself and holding your head up high, even when it seems that the world tells you to hide in your closet instead. Having quiet assurance in your heart and having inner confidence without needing to get affirmation and attention from others. Quiet accepting silence rather than noisy boisterous uneasiness surrounding me.

Telling someone how you feel rather than letting it fester inside. Not regretting the choices you make but letting these choices pave your way forward. What is also important is not continuously looking back to the past in fear and feeling insecure and unsure (double note to self), but rather to look to the past for moments of comfort, truth, affirmation, hope and happiness. Keeping your dreams alive and follow your heart wherever it takes you though remember to always practice caution and discern wisely when making the choices that may affect others. Continue to do the things you love to do even if they may not be the coolest things in the eyes of others and have peace in your heart and soul which I believe is the wellspring for all good things. And lastly trust in God and in His Divine Providence for who amongst us knows His plans for us. Hope in Him and He will renew our strength and be our comfort.

These realizations, insights or whatever you might call it, are I believe just things that make up our foundation and core of our being… they are just my thoughts.

As always I have much to be thankful for this year and though the year was also punctured with grey moments, the patch work of my life this year looks brilliant. I know as I always have known that it is through adversity that you learn the most about life, about yourself and about others.

I am thankful for:
The gift of life - For the chance to be with my family and friends. To be able to breathe, function, walk, dance (not very well though), sing and just be alive.

For family - For being needed. For sharing meals (although not very many), memories and moments with them, laughs, FB poker, the trip to Aussie with mum, silly swearing and many stories.

For friendship - For the people that have hung out with me this year during my down and out moments, or to just chill, play poker, have merry nights @ Front, watching movies, having lunches, dinners and coffee, going on hiking expeditions, for happy parties, for making me laugh and for just being there

For work - Although I whinge and complain about the workload (its seriously getting a bit much), I love what I do and that makes all the difference. I just wish that the coming year would be more organized and that I get new work colleagues who will be able to share my workload.

For Cat - Always my best mate, always there should I need someone to talk to. To listen and to never judge. The woman who from 21 years ago looked out for me and saved me from the clutches of a silly boy and constantly looks out for me till today.

For my Aussie trip, the one that was 7 years overdue - For the chance to travel. To see my second home and the people I called my second family. To meet with old friends. To eat yums food. To buy and to see and to enjoy.

For the little trips taken throughout the year.

For nature, for waterfalls, for greens and butterflies.

For Shell - Who gets me. Who doesn’t laugh @ me but laughs with me. For sharing lunches, secrets, smiles and tears.

And lastly… For my BFF, B - Who has now taken on a bigger role in my life. For everything big and small that he does. For loving me, taking care of me and for spending time with me and for sharing all these memories with me throughout the year. Memories that have fill my mind and my heart. You are one of the best things that has happened to me ever and I hope you know that. Plus I love you v.much.


So enough of these dedication type things, I wish all of you the best in the coming year with many blessings and happy moments coming your way. Remember that … the shadows will always be behind you if you walk towards the light.

If there be

If there be no love in your heart,
then there be no more dreaming,
no more singing,
no more stories.

~ Australia 2008 ~

In Melb

Its been almost a month since I wrote.
How time flies.
I am in Melbourne now as I write.
The sun is shining but the wind is bitterly cold.
I wish my dad and my bro and B were here.
My holiday would be more complete with them with me.

In two days time I go back to Temora.
Temora.
Temora.
I miss that place but wonder if I have grown away from it.
If I no longer can relate.
I hope I can.

This trip is much needed but I don't seem to have the space I seek.
My movements are very much kept in check which I dislike tremendously.
Perhaps starting from tonight it will change when I stay with Neeka and Matt.
But I am grateful.
I am thankful for being here.
I am enjoying things as much as I can.
and yet...
why do I feel as if things are just not right in some way.........

The monsters and me

I have stumbled upon all kinds of monsters.
The ones that repulse me
The ones that I loathe
The ones I long to slay with my blade
Manically slashing them lest they get away…
And then watch in twisted fascination as their wounds and gashes
Ooze blood thick as tar
And as black as sin.

Then there are the monsters in my dreams.
The ones I cannot see
The ones I run away from
Unknowingly and blindly stumbling through darkness
Through places I know not.
I run from the monsters that haunt me at night
That makes salty tears fall silently from my eyes.
That makes me toss and turn in my sleep
Till I wake up with a start
Trembling and wishing for dawns light.

Interestingly the monsters that I fear the most
Are the monsters that are merged and entwined within me.
The ones that emerge at the click of a finger
Or a blink of an eye
The ones that can ruin and destroy.
They are the monsters that are disruptive, dark and deadly
That lashes out at innocents unsuspectingly.
That wishes only for the worse
The ones that I inwardly curse.
Of all the monsters out there
The ones hardest to kill would be the monsters such as these.

So we live in a sick and twisted world
Vilely joined and seemingly symbiotic
That’s how we are the monsters and me

Hints of Despair

There were hints of despair
In the way that she sighed
In the way that she walked
In the way that she spoke.

There were hints of despair
In her glittery teary eyes
In the crooked broken smile
In the stance of her face.

There were hints of despair
Painted in her pictures
Written in her words
Sowed into the earth.

There were hints of despair
Around her
With her
In her
Just hints and threads of despair…

Rethinking

DW is rethinking the choices she has made.

total opposite

I truly enjoyed the day as it started out but now it’s the total opposite.
I just want to trudge home in the rain and watch the world pass me by.

Complicated Love

It’s sad how we often complicate love

which is the simplest most basic and available thing we have

and can give to others.

Crummy

I feel a little crummy today
It’s because of my hurting tummy
I feel a little crummy today
Perhaps I should have just stayed in bed

My 1 Year Anniversary

It’s been a year since I joined The Bank.

I can’t believe it! A whole year since I have sat at this very cubicle doing all sorts of work. I remember being asked to go for the interview at The Bank. ME, work in such a bank much less a chingchong bank such as this? NO WAY! What's more, I hate numbers and economics... Banking and Finance, so NOT me.

But then, Sunshine said that I should go, to just see what it was like and who knows I might like what the offer. I remember arriving late for my interview and was drenched in sweat. I remember meeting my CL my boss and thinking to myself that she had nice undergarments on. I remember rattling on about heaven knows what and I remember thinking that it wouldn’t be too bad working here. An hour or so later, they called me to tell me I got the job and that I had to revert on my interest in 2 days time… I would start almost immediately. So I said yes simply because they offered me what I wanted, the benefits were pretty good and I was to get almost free rein over the department. I remember my folks were also super happy to hear about my job at The Bank. They always harbored dreams that I would join The Bank.

A year down the road and I wonder if it was worth it. I hardly took any time off this year - I have 15 and a ½ days left of leave. Work took up so much of me and I had to and still have to work with v.difficult people and yet surprisingly enough I find myself liking what I do. I don’t drag my feet to work every morning (although there are days when I just wish I could stay in bed the whole day) unlike how it was at the hovel previously. I continuously think of new ideas and ways to make my department more manageable, organized and efficient though its hard with me being the only one around… hahaha. Sometimes, I can’t believe its only been a year but the marked days off the calendar tell me that yes, it is one year.

Well, work has honestly came me sane. Through breakups, blowups, fedups and everything in between, work has always been my constant. In a way, it’s kinda sad to even write that… but with work I know pretty much what to do and where I fit in… but with life and the great big world out there, I don’t quite know where I fit in and where I belong.

Yeah, I am in sorta new phase in my life again...
A phase that is risky, exciting, scary, euphoric and pretty much a combination of emotions as most new phases/things are. I don’t know how things might turn out to be, but I think its going to be a good one.

So here’s to one year at The Bank and to a new phase in my life. To all the people that have played such an instrumental role in my life at The Bank, a big big thank you. For rides to and from work, for breakfasts, lunches, teas, dinners, after dinner drinks, parties over the weekend, trips to shopping centres, waterfalls, just chilling out, super long emails. chats on the phone and just being friends... a big big thanks *smiles smiles smiles*

Goodbye August

Goodbye August.

You will be missed.

Designs

The designs of the past cannot be undone,
nor can they be erased from ones memories.
Burned and engraved so deeply into the skin,
they remain a vital part of us for time to come.
But the designs of the present,
are constantly being created,
some with intricate care,
some with strokes so alarmingly disastrous
you crave to undo them once they are released from your grip…
and undo them you can.
For with each tick of the hands of time,
there is a chance to change,
to paint with different colours,
to sing a different tune,
to dance to a different rhythm,
to walk a different path.
Then at the end of the day
We will face the mirror of life,
naked, stripped away of it all,
with only the intricate patterns
of a life lived etched onto the skin.
and I hope that on that day
you will be beside me
still loving and accepting me even till the end.

Lucky

Do you hear me,
Talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you,
I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

She hoped...

She asked:
Do you really know what you are doing?

She stammered:
I am not quite sure... I sorta do.

She smirked:
You should really think about this... you might lose it all.

She hoped:
This time it would be different.

She laughed:
Ever the dreamer you are.

NightSwimming

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.

The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago,

Turned around backwards so the windshield shows.

Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse.

Still, its so much clearer.

I forgot my shirt at the waters edge.

The moon is low tonight.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.

I'm not sure all these people understand.

Its not like years ago,

The fear of getting caught,

Of recklessness and water.

They cannot see me naked.

These things, they go away,

Replaced by everyday.

Nightswimming, remembering that night.

Septembers coming soon.

Im pining for the moon.

And what if there were two

Side by side in orbit

Around the fairest sun?

That bright, tight forever drum

Could not describe nightswimming.

You, I thought I knew you.

You I cannot judge.

You, I thought you knew me,

This one laughing quietly underneath my breath.

Nightswimming.

The photograph reflects,

Every streetlight a reminder.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night, deserves a quiet night.

I need a sign or a spade

I often wonder about life and the way that everyone is intrinsically linked with one another. How our lives weave in and out of each others, and how we never really see the fine threads that link each one of us.

Neither do we really know the going ons in each others lives. The lives that we live in secret behind the scrutiny and prying eyes of them, the judges, the people around us. We will never hear the words uttered in the middle of the night, the SMS's exchanged, the promises whispered, the emotions shared, the comfort exchanged... for when the morning light comes, the mist and the shadows disappear and everything goes back to the way it once was.

And things remain secret... till the grave we take our solemn secrets and shared moments. Moments already forgotten by some. Words that once vibrated through the very core of our being falls on dead silent ears. The phone stops ringing. The SMS's don't appear and we wait like silent sentinels for a sign, a beacon of hope.

And we wait. We wait like war brides for the return of our one true love. We wait like the parched desert for rain. We wait and search the dark dingy cellars of our heart for a ray of light, for a sign of hope... and like clockwork, the tears fall and the heart sighs, breaks into a thousand pieces. And yet again, you find yourself at the arduous task of re-piecing your heart back and just like all the kings horses and all the kings men, you will realise that just like the poor Humpty Dumpty of old, you cant never be put back again.

So, here I sit in the darkened dining hall, straining my eyes to type in the glare of the screen. I should be asleep to avoid having panda eyes and to be able to wake up for church tomorrow... and yet I had to write. I am not drunk, though if I was I could blame it on the drink, but I am not so these words are solely my own.

Three days of holidays and I do nothing. I conveniently put these things aside. Store them away thinking that time is always on my side, this things can be done another day. Another day, another hour, another minute. BUT I realised that it can't be another day, another hour, another minute. It has to be now or never. You rush things they say and you don't get it right and yet if you don't do anything at that precise moment, the blardy moment passes you by. Such contradictions rubbed in my face. Words spoken and then taken back. Actions done and then taken back.

Never good enough. Never had the song right. Never danced right. Never spoke right. Never had the looks right. Never got the grades right. Never had the timing right. Never thad the weight right. Never had anything right.

I missed all the points and signs and all these happened, because, I ask for it. I could have said NO. I could have walked away but I stood still and waited. I knew what was coming, practically had the whole canvas painted in my mind and yet, I am still waiting when my mind tells me to bolt. 'Run idiot. Run,' my mind screams at me and I like the village idiot, the guffawing buffoon, stands stock still waiting for a sign from the Heavens. What more is there to say? What other words can be uttered? What can be done?

So here I stand... waiting. Not bolting as of yet. Wishing that I could bury the ubiquitous thoughts of you that linger everywhere I turn. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I need a sign or a spade.

I revisited my past today

I revisited my past today and I thought of you again.

You said you thought of me too.

I said that I missed you and you said you missed me too.

Then I wondered why you weren't right next to me

and then I realised that after all was said and done,

I was still not what you wanted.

So I decided to pay for a good pair of running shoes.

Photos

I was going through my photo albums

and I chanced upon the photos of us.

I saw photos of us before it all began.

I remember a mixture of happiness and unpredictability

for I was threading on uncertain ground

and then there was

that tinge of sadness for what I had previously lost...

but that tinge was of course hidden, masked away in the

joy and excitment of it all but it was still there nonetheless

on the surface of my skin.

I also saw the photos after it all happened.

I remember with a heavy heart

the sadness captured so perfectly in my eyes,

the salty tears that fell

that rolled from my checks

creating tracks of bitterness.

I remember the pain in my heart which was so intense

the pain that choked me

that shrivelled my insides

and I think back and wonder why I put myself through it all.

Why I allowed myself to feel this way.

I then flipped through the photos that followed thereafter.

I remember so vividly the amalgamation of emotions,

see-sawing precariously between happiness and sadness,

hope and despair, euphoria and emptiness.

The dreams that floated right before my eyes

the ones that I kept away secretly in the recesses of my heart.

And now, I cannot bear to see the photos anymore.
I am keeping them away again for another day when I am stronger.

Or for the day when you return to me.

Torn

Torn

At first she thought that this arrangement fit her perfectly.
That there was no need to rush.
No need to pretend.
No need to be anything other than what already was.
To live and savor the moment.
The perfect arrangement it seemed.

Then the voice of reason that she so conveniently shut out whispered in her ear.
Mocked her.
Questioned her.
Reminded her…
About all the previous arrangements she had been in before.
The euphoria and exhilaration of it all
And the emptiness and hurt that was sure to follow close behind.

She should know better the voice said.
Don’t be stupid it taunted.
Don’t think that this time it would be any different.

So she is torn into wanting the present and thinking about the future.
Unsure to be reckless or to be logical.
Wanting to wait and wanting to bolt.
Weighing the options of thinking with her heart or thinking with her mind.
She is torn…
Because both roads vie in opposite directions.
Just torn.

Trust Him

Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee
Trust Him when thy strength is small,
Trust Him when to simply trust Him
Seems the hardest thing of all.
Trust Him, He is ever faithful;
Trust Him, for His will is best;
Trust Him, for the Heart of Jesus,
Is the only place of rest.

- Salesian Missons -

DW status updates

DW is hungover on silliness.
DW is waiting for her sandwich and coffee.
DW did a 24 hour day which ended with DVDs from 5am - 8am ~ Brilliant!
DW is going to church with Sunshine.
DW wishes you would speak to her again.
DW can't wait to start planning her grand adventure.
DW would love it if she blinked her eyes and
everything would clean and sort itself out.
DW is learning the intricacies of the heart.
DW is itching to paint again.
DW is excited about tomorrow's hike.
DW hopes that there will not be any blardy leeches.
DW hates the crimson tides.
DW is wondering what would happen if she raised the stakes.
DW withdrew her stakes.
DW is still waiting for her sandwich and coffee.
DW is still searching for inspiration in interesting places.
DW needs to work over the weekend but
is choosing to pretend the work does not exist.
DW is hungry and wishes the freaking food would come.
DW would like some dessert.
DW suspects the delivery man is lost - sigh.
DW over tipped the delivery man cos she was hungry.
DW is content that it is the weekend and
that she can bum around in her boxes
watching DVDs, drinking ice cold mocha
and eating her yummy sarnie ~ uber happiness.
DW's happiness level reaches 8.2.

These Words

Do not look forward
to the changes
and chances of this life
in fear;
rather look to them
with full hope that,
as they arise,
God, whose you are,
will deliver you out of them.

- St. Francis De Sales -

These words bring me comfort.

And I pray that the pain and sickness cease

and that things be as they should.

What I wanted to say

I have not packed.

I am tired.

My momentary fix and the euphoria has vanished

and as predicted and as always I feel depressed,

sad, bitter, angry and lonely.

I had the urge to call you and talk to you,

but we haven't been talking for awhile now...

and just at that moment,

I had so many things I wanted to say to you...

fragments of memories that I remembered about you and I

but I didn't call and of course, neither did you.

I don't feel well.

I am scared.

I hope its just me being silly.

I hate suppliers sometimes.

I hate the dumb ass ppl that I have to work with.

I am going crazy just waiting for freaking artwork at 2:30am.

I hate hoaxes.

I hate imposed guilt trips.

I horribly dislike it when ppl command me to do things.

I miss my granny.

I wish she was still alive.

I miss my other grandparents.

I wish they were alive too.

I wish you were here.

You could always make me feel better...

or at least you tried your very best to make me feel better.

Today.

Today, things will change for the better.

Note to self #1

Note to self #1: Books don't make you smarter by sitting on your shelves!

My August

My August has been torn of the calendar.

I feel it rushed by too quickly.

There were so many things that happened in this simple month of August.

My August.

Things happened in My August that I never quite understood.

Memories and days blended one into the other,

colliding, seemingly uncherished,

soaring, tumbling,

whisking by too quickly.

The moments vanished...

the sighs, scars, heartbeats and embraces,

a blink and it was lost in time.

A figment of my own crazy over active imagination it seems.

So many things to write about.

So many thoughts to sift through.

So many emotions to upload to blogspot,

which has now become my only emotional sinkhole.

Perhaps one day when work does not beckon,

when the poker table and chips are not laid out,

when the lads are not a callin',

when the books and DVDs stop tauntin...

that will be the day

when I have the heart and the will to write it all down,

to make sense of My August.

But... till then,

you remain near and

yet so very far.

She weeps

She unloaded

her heart to you.

She opened old scars

and bled her heart out to you.

And now

you can't even look her in the eye...

She weeps

knowing now

how much she means to you.

DW in the office

~* Quick & Strange Thoughts from DW in the office *~

• Why does time pass so quickly and yet so slowly
• A week is really too long
• According to Yews, I have been slutting too much these past two weeks... I agree, sleeping with work isn't that enjoyable sadly
• Inspiration and answers comes from all sorts of wierd places
• Wanting to stay away from you is hard work
• Dancing in the darkness is dangerous business
• I like your SMS's and calls ~ they make me *grin*
• I saw fireworks and stars in your eyes the other night, now you don't even look at me
• Never put two packets of perencah in Maggi cup noodles
• Wishing that I didn't meet you is not an option
• I need to find a cure for my broken heart disease
• I miss poker
• Beer is addictive
• Satay celup doesn't really taste all that great

Emotional Gangrene

I have Emotional Gangrene and it's spreading like wildfire

+++

That...

I am listening to Riz Ortolani and am wondering what a lovely piece it is… something totally unsuitable for the OST for Cannibal Holocaust. But then again when I think about it a little more, I think its perfect in a sick and twisted way.

I just got home from an emotionally exhausting day and as predicted, I feel a host of conflicting emotions (I am more convinced daily that I am messed up).

One minute I feel happy, like everything is falling into place… and then I think its delusional for me to think that because nothing fits. Then I think that maybe things could work out and then I think that’s rubbish cos it could never work out the way I want it to be. Then I think yes, its out in the open, yes its finally over lets move on and resume the roles we knew best before all this drama happened… and then I think that maybe we should try again as we never really explored anything… its too soon for the end. My mind goes round in circles and my heart berates me for the agony I put it through.

Then I am reminded about how much of a sinner I am and then I remind myself that I am human and have paid my penance (and am still daily paying for my penance) and thus am absolved. Then I think of what I have lost and my heart breaks and shreds itself into little particles and then I think of all that I have and realize that compared to others, I have a lot. Then I think that I am controlled and caged up like a bird, being fed the guilt pill every other waking minute, being reminded of the numerous responsibilities in my life and then I think that perhaps I am being unreasonable and that I should be thankful for what I have instead of being selfish and thinking only of myself.

Then I think of how pure a heart I once had… how it more often than not, thought of the good and happy things in life, how it radiated some kind of positivity and joy. And then I think of how cynical, bitter and angry I am now and I feel melancholic. I feel sad tainted. That everything has lost its rosy hue. I have come to realize that everyone doesn’t really want to be your friend, that not everyone cares, that everything is not going to be “okay” just because someone said it would be, that people more often then not just want to get into your panties before they even know anything about you, that without money life's pretty tough, that just because you want something and pray really hard about it doesn't guarentee that you will recieve it, that sometimes doing the best you can is not good enough, that wanting to kill yourself is never the option though it may be very appealing at that time, that though you want to be part of someone’s life, that someone might just not want you in theirs, that pimples, acne, vomitting and diarrhea suck big time, that people betray you, that sometimes being alone when you need company is a really sucky feeling, that sometimes being around people and and still feel like you are alone sucks the most, that some people can just ruin you and you will never ever be the same again, that people who are close to you still treat you like a door mat, that no matter how much you love someone, they might never love you back the way you want them to, that in anything that you do there will be consequences, that sometimes when you think you know where you are headed is in fact the time when you are pretty much lost, that sometimes people never see the hurt you have inside and when they do they pretend that they don’t see it, that the truth hurts, that pride and ego is dangerous, that sometimes having a time machine would be helpful though things might be worse after it has been tampered with, that the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ is basically placing complete trust in God which is really difficult to do, that having too much of a good thing is bad, that words spoken cannot be taken back, that life is moving too fast, that letting go and forgiveness are two of the most difficult things in life, that it would be good if there was a medical procedure that could selectively erase memories from your brain and emotions from your heart, that goodbyes suck, that death and dying are scary things, that emotional heartahce is worse than any phyical injury, that letting myself be truly free is pretty impossible…

It’s late… and I am really really exhausted with all this venting, revisiting of memory lane and wearing my emotions on my sleeve, though I have to say, I feel much better. I wish you were here though. Your company would be great. Even a hug or a hand to hold would be welcome… but I know better now than to wish for things that I are pretty impossible at this point in time.

Well, after all that negativeness and emotional yabbering, there is hope yet for I know that underneath it all buried away, there is the real JWPM, the one that believes and loves happy endings, fairy tales, prince charming’s, world peace, nevernever land, bubbles, fireworks, fairy folk, dreams that come true, the magic far away tree, rainbows, justice, unicorns, magic, wishing wells and everything hopeful, good, happy, magical and joyful. She is in me somewhere. She is the very wellspring of my being that keeps me moving, hoping, believing and living. I pray fervently that she does not disappear for that would truly be the end of me.

Lord Lyttelton

Love can hope where reason would despair.

- Lord Lyttelton -

Collide

Collide - Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah...

When I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here I've lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind

You finally find You and I collide
You finally find You and I collide
You finally find You and I collide

Answers in Strange Places

A part of me regrets, wishes I could take it all back. A larger part of me hopes and wonders about the endless possibilites and chances... wants so much to let it blossom and grow. But time the horriblly merciless menance torments my heart and soul. I am weary as a thousand daggers stab at me, with the pain squeezing me sometimes blinding me. And I want to revert to days when the pain was halved, shared by two... but I stall. I lament. I stand silent and still, continuing my search for answers in strange places.

Today’s Dose of DW Drama

Today’s dose of DW drama:

• Seeing KT (a new recruit at the bank) in the pantry which made me think of DT which made me think of ATW which made my heartache
• JT’s confession which left me speechless for a good 10 seconds over the phone (a new record)
• Having a bad migraine which led me to tell SL over lunch that I might have a tumor in my brain which led SL to give me her “you are a damn idiot for saying that kind of shit” look which made me relent so I took it back
• Feeling queasy (been that way for 3 days and counting) and rushing to the toilet an hour after lunch to hurl the contents of my lunch / tummy into the dunny
• Puking 6 times with close to 10 minutes of dry retching (thank God my clothes and hair were saved)
• Looking like I got hit by a truck (real fugly) and having of all people GC open the door cos I forgot my ID
• My boss coming out of her office to ask me (quite loudly) if I was pregnant whilst laughing and slapping jovially me on the back like I won a prize which made me want to puke all over my keyboard
• Staring at the monitor for 3 hours trying valiantly to string sentences together (I so can’t write today)
• Realizing that sometimes the fall from the happy fluffy clouds is pretty damn hard on ones ass (Note: Try to avoid happy fluffy clouds unless one has sufficient padding for ones behind!)
• Seeing you and getting the confirmation that this is not some dream I conjured up
• Having an unexpected dream come true *super duper mega grins*
  

Where I am

“Wake up”, He whispered soothingly in my ear.

The sunlight was already streaming into my uncurtained windows.

I was groggy from the lack of sleep and another long night.

I reached for my phone but realised that I did not have it with me.

Yet, I got up though I felt like going back to dreamland

where the impossible can happen, where the happy endings are abundant...

but He called to me again, His voice like quenching water to my parched throat.
So I awoke...

Peeled the comforter away from my skin and stretched.

A new day begins.

The past few weekends have been difficult ones for me as most of you know.

I have been through many interesting situations

and I have managed to hurt a number of people

and I have also been hurt– karma and all that jazz I guess.

The truth that I sought was also presented to me on a gold platter

and this truth coupled with a huge dose of honesty which I recieved

however bitter it was, was good for me and is much appreciated.

A part of me wishes that I could undo it though...

distort the truth or to do the whole pretend game, the one that I excel in,

but there is no point in doing it this time round.

I want to explain about how I feel when people ask me if I am okay.

I want to paint a clearer picture of how things are for me,

to elucidate where I am...

but there are so many emotions running through my veins.

It is difficult to separate them;

they seem to be untwined so very closely.

For those of you who don’t quite understand what I am going through,

or who know just bits and pieces about what has been happening in my life …

try picturing a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis.

It’s a struggle for the butterfly to escape and break free from the chrysalis.

However, sensing hope and freedom just outside of its prison,

the butterfly valiantly squeezes, pushes and strains to break free

and that’s pretty much where I am now.

I once thought I already had my metaphorical butterfly wings

and just needed to learn how to fly.

I was wrong, as I am wrong about so many things in life.

I am in no way able to fly... not right now.

One day though, however long it may take,

I will emerge from my chrysalis

and my wings which will initially be soft and shriveled,

will expand, harden and unfurl in all its magnificent beauty

and only then will I take flight...

Today

Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could… tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day is all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with it hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

I Tried

I told myself that I would try to stop seeing you or talking to you

because its difficult to continue to pretend that you're just a friend.

But I couldn't say no when you asked,

I had to reply the SMS's

and pick up the calls.

You are still wedged nicely

in my distorted fragile heart.

I really tried this time...

I don't think I was very successful.

Wednesdays @ Front

Today is the first Wednesday that I did not go to Front for Ladies Night.

It feels wierd to be at home when for the past 3 months or so,

I have found myself at the bar at Front on Wednesdays...

it feels as if my week isn't quite complete.

So instead of going to Front, I devoured a whole book *smiles*

Yet reading is different from Wednesdays @ Front...

Slight Blues

Today I didn’t get the Monday Blues entirely.

I woke up earlier than usual and took the LRT to work.
I wore my flipflops and took my backpack as my back has been aching for several days.

Work was quite killer.

Haven’t had this much taxing work in awhile which is good really.

The slight blues came when the rain came

falling like snow but much much wetter without the powdery softness.
And the blues stayed when I thought of you

and how we met 2 years ago today…

Thankful the blues subsided

when I realized that life doesn’t just stop and end just

because of several things that dont quite go our way in life.
Life goes on much to the chagrin of the person hurting.

So I decided to put the blues away

and just to work, work, and work.
It felt just like the old times...

Me alone at the workstation

working, thinking, dreaming, wishing and hoping…

I wished I could be whisked home, fed a yummy dinner

and then fall asleep in someones arms whilest watching a DVD ~ bliss.

Nevertheless, I am sure that One Day soon...

when perhaps there are no Monday blues...

My wishes will come true.

Wholesome Weekend

Much like Saturday, my Sunday was spent with my family. They were mighty surprised when I didn’t go out for the duration of the week and even made plans to buy 4D for it has been awhile since I stayed home for the whole weekend. Well as Sundays go, this Sunday was pretty tame, productive and wholesome.

In the morning I went to church with my folks and then went to the Curve for a massage after which I shopped and bought some stuff and proceeded for lunch with my mum at Ikea. After shopping, I went home and had a good ol’ fashioned snooze. After the snooze, I went to walk/half-jog in the park with my folks and met up with some of the people from the Bank. Then my folks and I went for dinner at TTDI – we had roti canai which was super yum – and then it was back home again where my mum and I watched a DVD and had strawberries for desert. SWEET! And then I played a couple hands of poker (with my dad looking over my shoulder and commenting about my playing) and then it was off to dreamland for me.

So that’s pretty much my how my weekend went… homely and family oriented.

It was a pretty nice weekend…

I never realized how much I miss hanging out with my folks.

Last LSS

Today was the last day of my 9-week LSS course at SFX Church. What started out as a test to see how long I could last out of the 9 weeks has become a turning point in my life. I felt sad when the final session ended and we said our goodbyes to the friends we had made, I wondered what I would be doing for the Saturdays to come. My mother has already given it some thought and has informed me of my cousins engagement party next Sat and the long list of chores that I have been shelving *grumbles*

After the session, I went to Amcorp Mall and browsed through the shelves of books at BookXpress (I think that's what it is called) and could not resist buying 3 books one of which is an Eeyore Book with a soft toy included *smiles* (sadly however, there were not many scrapbooking magazines fore sale). My folks then picked me up and we went to Solaris in Mont Kiara to look around and have our dinner. We had Japanese food (ramen and rice set for me ~ yum) and then went to Cold Storage for grocery shopping. The bill came up to RM115 (gulp - there goes my budget!) but I was happy with my purchases of strawberries, dark chocolate cake, frozen roti canai, bittersweet chocolate, yogurt, ginger biscuits, clorox, drinks, tissue and etc. The place was nice though it was a little out of the way.

My parents were pleased that I spent the day with them and actually stayed home tonight. I watched "Over Her Dead Body" with my mum and chatted with some friends online and well here I am still writing. Had an enjoyable, slightly tiring nightout with DCh last night watching two movies and having a fun time talking just like how we used to back in my IACT days.

I can't believe tomorrows Sunday already/again. My boss is coming back on Monday after a week plus of being on leave. I pray that things will flow ever so smoothly. As for the people who called and SMSed or MSNed or emailed me about my last 'super duper long post', I am OK... have not hung myself or done anything mental to myself. Am doing perfectly well ~ thanks for the thoughts. Plus its good to know that I have more than 3 readers of my blog *grin grin grin*

And for the record... yes... I still miss that boy and I still wish that things could be the same if not much much better. Sadly, at this point in time from where I stand, I don't think things are panning out the way I hope it would be. Oh well... as they say, although we pray tirelessly for God to answer our prayers and provide us with what our heart desires, sometimes getting a "no" in reply is an answer as well. Although it is difficult, I have come to trust that He knows what is best for me for the moment and I just have to accept that His will be done.

Happy Sunday All

*smiles*

A Super Duper Long Post

This post is NOT about how 'I miss that Boy' nor is it about how I ‘feel’ about that boy.
This post is also NOT about the colony of ants that seem to have invaded my workstation, the weekend that is approaching, the movies that I have watched recently, the books that still call to me on a daily basis, my days at work, my moaning about not having enough time to do the things I want, my love hate relationship with FB, the Wednesday that felt like a Monday or anything of that sort.
This post is about unloading the thoughts and words that have been lingering at the back of my mind and the tip of my tongue waiting for an apt day to be released…and well (drumroll) the day has finally arrived *Yay Yay*.

NOTE 1: This post was written in a non-PMS mood and was written simply because it was time to let it all go… (I am quite certain that I am not PMS-ing)

~*~*~*~

I believe that I am a pretty open person…one who is able to talk about an array of topics ranging from disgusting toilet habits to the environment to arts and crafts to reptiles. I also believe that I am quite a tolerant person, holding my tongue when in my mind there is a steady stream of words ready to burst forth. However, 96% of the time I keep quiet to try and maintain the peace in the hopes that that person would get the hint and leave me alone or to just go away or to just change the topic. Besides, I was advised from a young age that retaliation more often than not, is an unwise choice and that my battles need to be picked carefully.

However, my patience has been waning. Perhaps it is due to the fact that I think many people have been taking me for granted. Assuming that I will always be there to listen to them (when they don’t want to listen to me when I have something to say), to loan them $ (as if working in THE Bank means that I automatically have heaps of money – so not true), dig them out of the pit they have fallen/crawled into, to forgive them over and over again when they constantly hurt you (Its quite emotionally draining to do so) and etc. Perhaps this post also stems from me facing the mirror and realizing that sometimes bottling it all in isn’t quite the answer.

So here’s what I want to say but didn’t say out loud when I had the chance:

NOTE 2: The words below may be unpleasant for some
NOTE 3: Replying and saying “I was just joking when I said it, why you take everything so seriously one?” is just overused, boring and unoriginal. If it was a joke (hahaha - forced laughter) I don’t think it was a good or successful one and I guess underneath it all I am sensitive and slightly serious (NOTE 4: Individuals who really get me would already have known this.)

~ Petite people should not wear long (quite aunty) skirts up to their calves coupled with flats. It only makes them look shorter and stumpier. Carrying a black backpack and wearing a white flair skirt coupled with flats not only makes a petite person look shorter and stumpier, but it also looks out of place with the abovementioned clothes and is not at all fashion savvy or ‘cute’. Plus black with pastels and whites do NOT go together.

~ Talking about makeup bores me (unless we talk about the brands, marketing, advertising, colours that blend together or the super high prices of the said makeup). It is equivalent to me talking about my scrapbooking – which everyone, excluding scrappers themselves, thinks is a bore. So please don’t expect me to think it is an interesting topic that I can comment and debate about because it’s tiring to keep the conversation going. Everyone has their right to have their own interests and for the moment, cosmetics are not one my interests. I have no intention to use makeup when I go out or go to work (I may think about applying makeup for very very very special occasions) though surprisingly, I have a pretty remarkable collection of makeup stashed away. For me, mascara is not ‘the most important thing in one’s life or handbag’ as quite a number of women and this amusing lady from Maybeline seems to think and believe. On a separate note, I don’t think I have heard of individuals dropping dead due to the lack of eye makeup as believed by some eye makeup dependants.

~ I also think that saying that you are “FAT” when you are actually normal in size, have optimum weight, are slim or are preying-mantis-thin is annoying and insulting to people in the vicinity who are actually not the ‘ideal’ weight. It makes the person whining about their “fat-ness” seem stupid, childish and insensitive. Blame the world or blame advertising they say, for stereotyping that the "perfect" female should be slim with a small waist, a nice tight round bum, a huge rack to match and still be able to fit in children’s clothes... but I guess that's just what we have been ingrained to believe and think about when we think of a "perfect" female. For the women who constantly talk about being "fat” when they are in actual fact an S size or an M(perhaps you suffer from an eating disorder or have low-self image of yourself or any other such diseases relating to how your view yourself – I apologise if that is the case and have numbers of counseling centres that may assist you), please just stop talking about being "fat". I am sure there are other more interesting things to talk about besides you being “fat” such as the weather or perhaps to just watch the grass grow or cheese to turn moldy.

~ I will never be that “perfect” woman (although some people seem to think that I can – bless them!) and I am okay with that. I am okay and have accepted the fact quite a while ago that I am chunkier than the normal Asian woman, that I may have the oddest dress sense at times with a pension for clothes leaning towards the “aunty/ugly” rack and that I have arms that are not sticks and that I will never be the winner/runner-up/contestant for Miss Malaysia World/Universe/petite. The thing is, I find that a handful of people can’t seem to accept this fact. They want me to change - to wear nicer trendier clothes like other girls they know, to have a make-over (they never think about where the money is going to come from) and to just be more “lady-like” (though for my part, I do want to be a little less boy-ish).

Some like to joke (or perhaps it’s the truth disguised as a joke) that I am embarrassment to them when I walk beside them wearing clothes that are not up to their standards. Some say that I don’t have fashion sense which I don’t quite agree with because I do have some fashion sense (refer to first comment above), just not the same sense as theirs (Say in unison: It’s not bad. It’s not good. It’s just different!). Then there are the jokes of how “fat” I am (a little overused I feel), the comments to look nicer, lose more weight and generally to be the opposite of what I am now. They claim to ‘love’ me but I don’t see the love they profess... or perhaps it is the kind of love which I am not used to but which I honestly don’t want or need for that matter (The statement, with friends like these who needs enemies, comes to mind).

~ I am also a little bit of a retard when it comes to attracting the male species. I may not have the grace or flair necessary to capture the attention and affections of a man/men but I strongly believe that ‘somewhere out there beneath the big blue sky’ there is someone who likes me, cares for me and loves me just as I am with all my imperfections. And though it might take another minute, another hour, another day, month, year or years... I am sure he will get around to finding me *smiles* (God's handling that dept for me at the moment).

~ A tip: When a boy tries to impress a girl they are going after, it is not advisable to diss another girl in front of them much less one that is present at the table. It makes you look ungentlemanly and impolite however charming and witty you seem to believe you are. The girl you are trying to woo might not care, totally miss the joke or laugh politely but would you really want to date a girl that doesn’t stick up for her own ‘sisterhood’? For me, I would rather choose the girl that would stick up for the ‘victim’ of the said dissing and who would give you a piece of her mind and speak up about you being ungentlemanly, rude and insensitive to the poor ‘victim’ stirring her drink at the table. But then again that is just want I would do………

~ There is also the realization that other people seem to think that I am a ‘standby’. Always on the ready should anyone need a substitute or date at the tenth hour (Incidentally the person who spoke this "gem" of a sentence has since been removed from the list of people I respect/like. That person probably thought he was of course being wonderfully witty and smart when he said that - bahhumbug!). This comment that this person made, makes me sound pathetic with seemingly no life at all. I wonder if anyone defended me when this comment was made. I have a feeling there wasn’t anyone who did - outloud sigh. This passing comment has made me not only feel as mentioned above, pathetic with no life, but it makes me feel damn foolish for the times when I thought I was being a good friend by helping them out.

~ Politics and I don’t go together. I know that the political climate is very exciting at the moment and I have to admit that it is… but at the same time there is so much going on at the same time and so much I don’t understand. I have also been pretty ignorant of the political scene in the country and I wish I had paid more attention, but alas the whole ‘I can’t change things nor turn back time’ comment. Slowly but surely I am trying to learn and understand what is going on so please don’t expect me to learn and know everything in one day. I do love my country and blablabla… but then I always wonder, who’s telling the truth here and will we ever really know what happened. The whole ‘the truth will prevail’ thing is just hard to accept when money speaks the loudest and corruption is rampant.

~ I also feel that making ‘jokes’/commenting about me not supporting my friends and of me being jealous of my ex boyfriend’s new girlfriend is freaking annoying especially in front of people that I don’t quite know. It makes me sound like a horrible person which I know I am not. For the record, I am not jealous and have never been happier for my exs who have already gotten married, are engaged or who are in wonderful relationships.

~ Some jokes at my expense which may seem funny once or twice, over time may be just boring and lame. Get new jokes or rather just zip it or alternatively you can get a joke book and repeat jokes from the book to whoever will listen.

~ I am afraid to drive. I have a license (took the exam twice and didn’t give any ‘kopi money’ to get my license) but am worried that if I get behind the wheel I might just damage the car I am driving, damage someone else’s car or hurt/kill someone/several people. I have the $ to buy a car (although buying a car at this point in time is really not a prudent idea) and to be honest it is really tough to not have my own mobility and to constantly rely on other people’s generosity and kindness to pick me up and drop me of (It is also slightly embarrassing to keep asking and inconveniencing others to send me home or wherever it is I want to go) but I need to work on my courage first and foremost and its really tough. So to those folks who ferry me around constantly even though I live out of the way, a really really big ‘thank you’. It means a lot to me when you guys offer your help to send me home or to wherever it is I want to go.

~ It’s also tiring to always worry for you. For your situation in life right now. It’s tough to be the adult for you. It’s tough fighting and supporting you when I am doing all my own fighting and supporting – I can’t fight every battle alone... its tiring. It also pisses me off tremendously that your priorities in life are a little off tangent and I constantly pray that you will receive the wisdom to make the right decisions in life. I know that you are stressed, but it’s stressful for me as well and I know you do your best but please, please try to clean up your act and make things right again… not so much for my sake or everyone else’s sake but for your own sake.


Well that was enough uploading for this session I think. I feel wayyy better letting it all go but I don’t know about the people reading this or how they will feel after this. No doubt they will probably think I am PMS-ing or that I am being sensitive or am feeling moody… but to be brutally honest, I am happy typing this all out (I am actually *grinning*). Now to end this lengthy post (did I hear a “phew” or did no one reach this far?) which has taken a good 2 hours to write, I will leave you with a story that my father (he sends me really cool stuff on an almost daily basis) just sent me via email which I think is a wonderful ending to my rants and a good way to start a fresh again. Cheers!

NOTE 5: This post is not intended to hurt or piss off anyone (if I did I apologise) but it was necessary for my sanity and well-being *grin grin*

~*~*~*~

THE DONKEY
One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL:
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! So, shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less

~*~*~*~

Desolately How I feel

Today you untiringly burrowed into my mind again
And against my will,
My damaged heart continued to ache
For I guess vestiges of you still remain…

I don’t know what to do now
Nor do I know what to say…
Words like ‘I Miss You’
‘I wish things were the same’ sound recycled
Overused…Hollow to my ears
But that’s desolately how I feel…

I wish my feelings were reciprocated
I wish I could have you once more

Time

I find myself in the same predicament as before. I have so many things that I want to blog about but time does not permit me to really write, to pour out my thoughts and feelings. Not only is time an issue but inspiration seems to have deserted me as well.

I took the day off today to get some stuff done and managed to do several of the things I planned yet I feel as if my day was wasted. I should have woken up earlier and completed more things. It is weird how previously I could just squander away my days and not feel guilty about it and now I think about how I could have done more instead of waking up at some ungodly hour and just lazing in bed with a book. But as always, we can’t undo what’s been done.

As the Punjabi saying goes, wakt noon hath naen phar-da. There is no hand to catch time.

I would like to do a more meticulous update about what’s been going on with me but I reckon it would have to wait. I want to write more poetry and get my scrapbooks going… but that too will have to wait until inspiration decides to visit me again.

The new financial year is tomorrow as well; I hope that it will be a fantastic one.

Have a good week everyone. *God bless*

*grin*

Frontera on the Weekend

So here I am sitting at the bar at Frontera...
I am supposed to be at home, sleeping perhaps... but here I am once again... drinking with me mates...
:) Sweet

~ Ramblings of a slightly happy dreamweaver who realises that the weekend is almsot at its end

Hey You...

It’s 11:14am.
I just realized how difficult it is to pretend that I don’t know you.

~*~*~*~

It’s amazing how my heart raced with anticipation knowing that I had free tickets to a fancy dinner and movie that I have been anticipating, for I had thought that my heart would have forgotten such lovely childish delights such as these.
I thought excitedly of how perhaps I could ask you along for this excursion of sorts as I used to do not so very long ago…
It’s astonishing how my hand automatically reached for my hand phone and how my fingers nimbly found your name in the address book and hastily typed out a message to you.
It’s equally astounding that my mind screams at me at the same time my fingers dance on the keypad, telling me… screaming at me to NOT press the send button, to not call you, to not speak to you… to go on pretending that you don’t exist… to go on playing this game of charades… for this is what you want is it not?

~*~*~*~

But soon with the passing of time, I fear that my heart will not race with the exhilaration I once felt when I think of you and how it felt to just hangout with you, eating and drinking, talking and sighing. I shall miss that feeling…
And should similar offers come my way, or should a weekend or night drag on before me, my hands will as they always do, reach for my hand phone… but my fingers will be idle on the keypad and my thoughts will be drawn to the boy I once knew, the one I could call or SMS without reservation or doubt at all hours of the day, the one who strangely gave pretty decent advice and listened to my strange thoughts without judgment, the one who sighed with me and 'layaned' my ramblings… and perhaps then I will sport a grin when I think of him and the moments we shared.

~*~*~*~

Hey you,
I can’t help but wish it didn’t have to be this way…
I miss your friendship.

~*~*~*~

about...

I was just telling B (who I incidentally don't love in "that" way) this evening

as we drove home that I was so excited

to be able to go on home and blog about the things that have been happening...

...about the books that lured me with their magical song,
about the supplier who thought I had 2 children,
about the boss who spent half of my WIP meeting talking to me about pimple/acne creams,
about the boy who broke my heart,
about the dreams that I have been having,
about the vomiting and nausea I feel almost daily,
about the photos I took,
about the urge to up and leave,
about the voices in my head that have come back,
about the champion night when I puked nine times without the aid of alcohol,
about the new stuff I bought,

about grinning on my on accord,

about the “re-awakening”,
about praising God and feeling parts of the old happiness and peace return,
about the party that wasn't quite like a party,
about growing up and growing old,
about a boy who thinks I am in love with him,
about the bookshelves and cupboards and SB room and heaps of other stuff that I want,
about the emo songs I love and try to sing along to...

about singing with a passion that comes from some unknown place in me,
about what I have learnt in this short time about love and relationships,
about the wedding that might not have been,
about learning to let go,
about learning to plant your own flowers without waiting for someone to give them to you,
about the banking summit,

about the dangers of pretending to be someone else,

about telling the truth although the truth hurts painfully,

about advising your friends when you know your decision could

change their lives forever,

about smiling eventhough your heart is breaking,
about the bar where almost everyone knows your name,
about eating too much salmon and its effects on you,
about my cool family,
about the big boss who seems almost human at times,
about my insecurities,
about JT and how he writes awesomely crappy emails,
about the man who occupies my daydreams,
about my new passion,

about saying 'I am sorry' and actually meaning it,

about drinking apple juice in a Hello Kitty container and not cringing,

about dropping chocolate cake with a "SPLAT" in front of your big boss

and pretending that nothing happened,
about learning to be happy for your own sake rather than anyone else’s,
and about everything else that has happened since...

But the words fail me tonight.

The books have been luring me once more but I can't read...
Piles of books stacked up, one on top of the other bid me warm welcomes

and entice me with their stories of which I can only imagine

as I hastily tiptoe pass them to get to my warm slightly cramped bed.

I reckon I need sleep more than anything else... (I can’t believe I just said that!) It is lovely in my dreams more often than not... Everything is less complicating with more happy endings and in my dreams, I am able to say the things I really want to say out loud *smile*
So to bed I shall go...
perhaps I will be able to write tomorrow.

~*~*~*~

In Your Hands

I have done the best that I can...

It's all in Your hands now

The Barrel

I read in the Economist today while waiting for B in the car that...

"At the end of the barrel is Hope"...

How apt a saying for today...

a day where Hope was playing hide and seek with me.

A month has gone by so quickly.

I would have liked to change the way things turned out this past month...

but like a game of Texas Hold'em you get what the dealer doles out to you

and you can't quite change your cards for better ones...

you gotta just make do with what you have, lie about it to make it seem really realy great

or you can fold and cut your losses.

One part of me tells me that I should have not gambled

and cut my losses at the very start of the game

... but its a little too late for that.

You can't quite erase memories or perfect moments

from your mind or your heart...

I have lost quite a far bit in month... but its okay.

I have done the best that can be done with the hand that has been dealt

and its not too late...

...cos at the end of the barell is Hope.

The Phone Call of Salvation

The clock read 11:39am and she was uncharacteristically restless as she stared at the bright white monitor in front of her. Words like ‘Integrated Financial Portal’, ‘Total Cost of Ownership’ and ‘Services Oriented Architecture’ start to blur and whirl in front of her eyes while the blinking line on her word document mocked her repeatedly, waiting for her to type out yet another word which would invariably lead to the creation of several sentences and then a paragraph and then another and another which would finally result in one of her boring documents that would be read in the papers in about two weeks time.

It’s at times like this that she wonders about her choice of profession and if this is really right for her. The telephone rings and she listens to the voice ramble on while she flips stoically through the pile of documents that have accumulated seemingly overnight on her already overflowing desk. She pushes aside several documents distractedly and realizes that the person on the line is requesting once more for her email address. That would make it a grand total of seven this morning she thinks to herself and wishes that more interesting people would ask for her email address rather than people who needed her company’s money. As it is her job and she is the gatekeeper of the sponsorship money, she repeats her rather long email address to the man whose name and organization she has already forgotten and cringes when he makes her repeat her email address over and over again.

“Its P and M. P for Penang . M for Malaysia ,” she says twice for the benefit of the man on the end of the line. “NO! Not B. its P. P for Penang , Perak and Pahang,” she adds for emphasis when the man fails to hear her correctly. “NO! NO! NO! Not D. It’s P. P for Penang ! Penang ! Penang !” She exhales loudly out of frustration and annoyance at the deafness of the man and inhales two deep breaths and begins again. “Its P and M. P for Penang . M for Malaysia . Got it?” He mumbles that he will email her the sponsorship letter and promptly hangs up. A string of grumbles that the common mind would not be able to discern flows from her lips and several of her colleagues look up from their workstations and grin at her sympathetically for she gets calls like this pretty often. She wishes not for the firs time that she could also get more interesting calls instead of boring work ones.

Another 29 minutes till lunch time she muses while glancing at the little numbers on the bottom right corner of her monitor. She clicks into her inbox, professionally ignoring the word document that remains disturbingly unfinished and clicks on several new emails she has received over the past few minutes and laughs rather manically when she reads that she has been nominated by the head honcho a.k.a Big Boss to attend a BM professional writing class for three miserable days. Dread plagues her heart and she shudders involuntarily as she imagines the three devastating days ahead of her.

She can’t remember the last time she wrote in her national language and tries to string a sentence together out loud. Her attempt at knitting a sentence catches the ears of a colleague sitting nearby and a chuckle escapes his lips. She reaches for the nearest object, ah a stapler. She grips the blue and silver object and calmly tells herself that she should not throw it at the annoying chuckler for fear of hitting someone else in the process. “I am sorry but were you speaking in BM or some kind of alien language” he asks in a voice that provokes her to seriously consider throwing the stapler at him. Too weary to reply she just glares at him and then stares back at her computer screen, only two miserable minutes have passed. She sighs inwardly and wishes that time would just fly by now so that she can waltz all the way to Kinokuniya and be amongst her hard covered and paperback friends.

The hi-fi which is located behind her takes the opportune moment to spew the theme song to Greys Anatomy and her thoughts whir to a collage of different scenes that brings up unwanted emotions. She shrugs them off and gets up from her seat to turn off the hi-fi which she knows will belt out more sappy loves. SNAP. Silence once more punctuated by the tap tapping of the keyboard and clicks of the mouse. Seeing as there are several minutes more to go to midday salvation, she half heartedly goes through the pile of documents on her right and realizes that she does have quite a bit of work to do. Feeling a mixture of panic at the prospect of not being able to meet deadlines and yet a feeling of nonchalance, she decides to make a list of the things that needs to be done.

Grabbing several sheets of recycled A4 paper, her trusty purple mechanical pencil and her plastic bendy ruler, she makes a clearing on her cluttered desk and draws several lines on the crisp whiteness. She stops and surveys her handiwork. “Crap”, she says out loud as she realizes that the lines are all slightly crooked saved for the first line which is perfectly straight. She takes her rather mangy eraser and erases the awful lines. The marks though don’t come off and leave faint indents on the pristine whiteness. “Crap”, she says for the second time and snatches the tainted page and crumples it in her fist and promptly tosses the crumples ball into the black Ikea dustbin underneath her desk.

Her frustration mounts as she realizes that she has still not perfected the art of drawing straight lines with a ruler. Another one of her defects that she can’t seem to overcome. Once more time, she thinks to herself. I will try just one more time… So she picks up another recycled A4 paper, her trusty purple mechanical pencil and her plastic bendy ruler and draws several lines but they look identical to her first attempt, perhaps even a little bit more crooked than before. The phone shrills again and she picks up the phone. The voice on the other end of the line brings salvation. “Lunchtime meet you downstairs, k?” “OK!” she choruses and hastily keeps her stationary and places the recycled paper back into the recycled tray. Salvation in the form of a phone call has never been sweeter

Dream of You

I had a Dream of you...

You stretched out your hand towards me

and I readily took it.

We danced...

We swayed...

You held me close

and I wept...

and then I reluctantly let you go

for you never belonged to me
You were never mine to keep...

~ taken from her Dream Journal ~

A long day

It's just that wee bit sad when you have had a long day - had several crisises (which thankfully were settled and dealt with in a perfectly harmonious way), a nasty headache, a blocked nose and a voice so husky you sound damn hot on the phone and so unlike your usual self (which could be seen in a good or bad light really!) - and find yourself still sitting in the office in the same damn position (well almost the same position) for more than 12 and a half hours.

The office is deserted in your section (its kinda freaky) and for company you have your Facebook account (that is not really working very well) and thank God, a pretty decent hi-five set which is belting (sadly) soppy songs that make you want to thump it with your massive umbrella you save for monsoon season!

And then salvation appears (cue sarcastic but grateful smile) in the form of R who was supposed to send you home hours ago. Not only do you have to listen to him make snide remarks about your crappy hair and husky voice but you have to listen with utmost patience when he hints about possibilities of an office affair with him - which to be honest is as appealing as going to the dentist (which i absolutely detest!). I mean R is a pretty decent boy (a little bit pervy but aren't all boys that way?), but I have known him since I was 15 and its just damn wrong! Then you have to listen to him compare himself to McS and McG and well you basically get a very very really really long ride home.

And now 2 hours later, I sit infront of Sam my laptop and recap the day. A pretty fulfililng day to be honest. Managed to do quite a bit of work, arrange several files, clear my desk and solve those nasty crises all in one day *pats her own back* and yet after it is all done and the day is drawing to a close I still find my day not that complete... I guess it has to do with you... I really wish I could take a spade and unearth you out of my head, mind and heart where you are wedged so very nicely ~ Heaven only knows how you sneaked in to these places! Perhaps then I wouldn't need to feel so strange and I would be able to *grin* on my own terms...

SIGH! SIGH! SIGH!

The flues is getting worse. I hurts to even talk ~ sniff!

I am going to go and sleep now... perhaps I will see you in my dreams

I miss you... still... unfortunately

The *grinning* has stopped...

ponderings

It's strange and a little saddening how you can be in the same vicinity

as someone and you can miss them.

It's strange that sometimes the things

that you seek are the things that evade you.

It's sad that the person whom you miss,

doesn't miss you back... doesn't even know you exist really,

or has perhaps placed you in a category you don't quite want to be in.

It's sad that memories fade as quickly as they are made

and all that remains are fragmented pieces of hope...

that will also in time fade away.

But I guess what I can take out of all this; out of the strangeness, sadness and in-between-ness... the "I miss you's" that are never said, the actions and nights that are meant to be forgotten, the perfect moments that were meant to be just moments, is that

'one happiness is worth a thousand sorrows'

~*~*~*~