Sunday, August 03, 2008

Where I am

“Wake up”, He whispered soothingly in my ear.

The sunlight was already streaming into my uncurtained windows.
I was groggy from the lack of sleep and another long night.
I reached for my phone but realised that I did not have it with me.

Yet, I got up though I felt like going back to dreamland
where the impossible can happen, where the happy endings are abundant...
but He called to me again, His voice like quenching water to my parched throat.
So I awoke...
Peeled the comforter away from my skin and stretched.
A new day begins.

The past few weekends have been difficult ones for me as most of you know.
I have been through many interesting situations
and I have managed to hurt a number of people
and I have also been hurt– karma and all that jazz I guess.
The truth that I sought was also presented to me on a gold platter
and this truth coupled with a huge dose of honesty which I recieved
however bitter it was, was good for me and is much appreciated.
A part of me wishes that I could undo it though...
distort the truth or to do the whole pretend game, the one that I excel in,
but there is no point in doing it this time round.

I want to explain about how I feel when people ask me if I am okay.
I want to paint a clearer picture of how things are for me,
to elucidate where I am...
but there are so many emotions running through my veins.
It is difficult to separate them;
they seem to be untwined so very closely.

For those of you who don’t quite understand what I am going through,
or who know just bits and pieces about what has been happening in my life …
try picturing a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis.
It’s a struggle for the butterfly to escape and break free from the chrysalis.
However, sensing hope and freedom just outside of its prison,
the butterfly valiantly squeezes, pushes and strains to break free
and that’s pretty much where I am now.

I once thought I already had my metaphorical butterfly wings
and just needed to learn how to fly.
I was wrong, as I am wrong about so many things in life.
I am in no way able to fly... not right now.

One day though, however long it may take,
I will emerge from my chrysalis
and my wings which will initially be soft and shriveled,
will expand, harden and unfurl in all its magnificent beauty
and only then will I take flight...

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