I need a sign or a spade

I often wonder about life and the way that everyone is intrinsically linked with one another. How our lives weave in and out of each others, and how we never really see the fine threads that link each one of us.

Neither do we really know the going ons in each others lives. The lives that we live in secret behind the scrutiny and prying eyes of them, the judges, the people around us. We will never hear the words uttered in the middle of the night, the SMS's exchanged, the promises whispered, the emotions shared, the comfort exchanged... for when the morning light comes, the mist and the shadows disappear and everything goes back to the way it once was.

And things remain secret... till the grave we take our solemn secrets and shared moments. Moments already forgotten by some. Words that once vibrated through the very core of our being falls on dead silent ears. The phone stops ringing. The SMS's don't appear and we wait like silent sentinels for a sign, a beacon of hope.

And we wait. We wait like war brides for the return of our one true love. We wait like the parched desert for rain. We wait and search the dark dingy cellars of our heart for a ray of light, for a sign of hope... and like clockwork, the tears fall and the heart sighs, breaks into a thousand pieces. And yet again, you find yourself at the arduous task of re-piecing your heart back and just like all the kings horses and all the kings men, you will realise that just like the poor Humpty Dumpty of old, you cant never be put back again.

So, here I sit in the darkened dining hall, straining my eyes to type in the glare of the screen. I should be asleep to avoid having panda eyes and to be able to wake up for church tomorrow... and yet I had to write. I am not drunk, though if I was I could blame it on the drink, but I am not so these words are solely my own.

Three days of holidays and I do nothing. I conveniently put these things aside. Store them away thinking that time is always on my side, this things can be done another day. Another day, another hour, another minute. BUT I realised that it can't be another day, another hour, another minute. It has to be now or never. You rush things they say and you don't get it right and yet if you don't do anything at that precise moment, the blardy moment passes you by. Such contradictions rubbed in my face. Words spoken and then taken back. Actions done and then taken back.

Never good enough. Never had the song right. Never danced right. Never spoke right. Never had the looks right. Never got the grades right. Never had the timing right. Never thad the weight right. Never had anything right.

I missed all the points and signs and all these happened, because, I ask for it. I could have said NO. I could have walked away but I stood still and waited. I knew what was coming, practically had the whole canvas painted in my mind and yet, I am still waiting when my mind tells me to bolt. 'Run idiot. Run,' my mind screams at me and I like the village idiot, the guffawing buffoon, stands stock still waiting for a sign from the Heavens. What more is there to say? What other words can be uttered? What can be done?

So here I stand... waiting. Not bolting as of yet. Wishing that I could bury the ubiquitous thoughts of you that linger everywhere I turn. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I need a sign or a spade.