I am listening to Riz Ortolani and am wondering what a lovely piece it is… something totally unsuitable for the OST for Cannibal Holocaust. But then again when I think about it a little more, I think its perfect in a sick and twisted way.
I just got home from an emotionally exhausting day and as predicted, I feel a host of conflicting emotions (I am more convinced daily that I am messed up).
One minute I feel happy, like everything is falling into place… and then I think its delusional for me to think that because nothing fits. Then I think that maybe things could work out and then I think that’s rubbish cos it could never work out the way I want it to be. Then I think yes, its out in the open, yes its finally over lets move on and resume the roles we knew best before all this drama happened… and then I think that maybe we should try again as we never really explored anything… its too soon for the end. My mind goes round in circles and my heart berates me for the agony I put it through.
Then I am reminded about how much of a sinner I am and then I remind myself that I am human and have paid my penance (and am still daily paying for my penance) and thus am absolved. Then I think of what I have lost and my heart breaks and shreds itself into little particles and then I think of all that I have and realize that compared to others, I have a lot. Then I think that I am controlled and caged up like a bird, being fed the guilt pill every other waking minute, being reminded of the numerous responsibilities in my life and then I think that perhaps I am being unreasonable and that I should be thankful for what I have instead of being selfish and thinking only of myself.
Then I think of how pure a heart I once had… how it more often than not, thought of the good and happy things in life, how it radiated some kind of positivity and joy. And then I think of how cynical, bitter and angry I am now and I feel melancholic. I feel sad tainted. That everything has lost its rosy hue. I have come to realize that everyone doesn’t really want to be your friend, that not everyone cares, that everything is not going to be “okay” just because someone said it would be, that people more often then not just want to get into your panties before they even know anything about you, that without money life's pretty tough, that just because you want something and pray really hard about it doesn't guarentee that you will recieve it, that sometimes doing the best you can is not good enough, that wanting to kill yourself is never the option though it may be very appealing at that time, that though you want to be part of someone’s life, that someone might just not want you in theirs, that pimples, acne, vomitting and diarrhea suck big time, that people betray you, that sometimes being alone when you need company is a really sucky feeling, that sometimes being around people and and still feel like you are alone sucks the most, that some people can just ruin you and you will never ever be the same again, that people who are close to you still treat you like a door mat, that no matter how much you love someone, they might never love you back the way you want them to, that in anything that you do there will be consequences, that sometimes when you think you know where you are headed is in fact the time when you are pretty much lost, that sometimes people never see the hurt you have inside and when they do they pretend that they don’t see it, that the truth hurts, that pride and ego is dangerous, that sometimes having a time machine would be helpful though things might be worse after it has been tampered with, that the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ is basically placing complete trust in God which is really difficult to do, that having too much of a good thing is bad, that words spoken cannot be taken back, that life is moving too fast, that letting go and forgiveness are two of the most difficult things in life, that it would be good if there was a medical procedure that could selectively erase memories from your brain and emotions from your heart, that goodbyes suck, that death and dying are scary things, that emotional heartahce is worse than any phyical injury, that letting myself be truly free is pretty impossible…
I just got home from an emotionally exhausting day and as predicted, I feel a host of conflicting emotions (I am more convinced daily that I am messed up).
One minute I feel happy, like everything is falling into place… and then I think its delusional for me to think that because nothing fits. Then I think that maybe things could work out and then I think that’s rubbish cos it could never work out the way I want it to be. Then I think yes, its out in the open, yes its finally over lets move on and resume the roles we knew best before all this drama happened… and then I think that maybe we should try again as we never really explored anything… its too soon for the end. My mind goes round in circles and my heart berates me for the agony I put it through.
Then I am reminded about how much of a sinner I am and then I remind myself that I am human and have paid my penance (and am still daily paying for my penance) and thus am absolved. Then I think of what I have lost and my heart breaks and shreds itself into little particles and then I think of all that I have and realize that compared to others, I have a lot. Then I think that I am controlled and caged up like a bird, being fed the guilt pill every other waking minute, being reminded of the numerous responsibilities in my life and then I think that perhaps I am being unreasonable and that I should be thankful for what I have instead of being selfish and thinking only of myself.
Then I think of how pure a heart I once had… how it more often than not, thought of the good and happy things in life, how it radiated some kind of positivity and joy. And then I think of how cynical, bitter and angry I am now and I feel melancholic. I feel sad tainted. That everything has lost its rosy hue. I have come to realize that everyone doesn’t really want to be your friend, that not everyone cares, that everything is not going to be “okay” just because someone said it would be, that people more often then not just want to get into your panties before they even know anything about you, that without money life's pretty tough, that just because you want something and pray really hard about it doesn't guarentee that you will recieve it, that sometimes doing the best you can is not good enough, that wanting to kill yourself is never the option though it may be very appealing at that time, that though you want to be part of someone’s life, that someone might just not want you in theirs, that pimples, acne, vomitting and diarrhea suck big time, that people betray you, that sometimes being alone when you need company is a really sucky feeling, that sometimes being around people and and still feel like you are alone sucks the most, that some people can just ruin you and you will never ever be the same again, that people who are close to you still treat you like a door mat, that no matter how much you love someone, they might never love you back the way you want them to, that in anything that you do there will be consequences, that sometimes when you think you know where you are headed is in fact the time when you are pretty much lost, that sometimes people never see the hurt you have inside and when they do they pretend that they don’t see it, that the truth hurts, that pride and ego is dangerous, that sometimes having a time machine would be helpful though things might be worse after it has been tampered with, that the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ is basically placing complete trust in God which is really difficult to do, that having too much of a good thing is bad, that words spoken cannot be taken back, that life is moving too fast, that letting go and forgiveness are two of the most difficult things in life, that it would be good if there was a medical procedure that could selectively erase memories from your brain and emotions from your heart, that goodbyes suck, that death and dying are scary things, that emotional heartahce is worse than any phyical injury, that letting myself be truly free is pretty impossible…
It’s late… and I am really really exhausted with all this venting, revisiting of memory lane and wearing my emotions on my sleeve, though I have to say, I feel much better. I wish you were here though. Your company would be great. Even a hug or a hand to hold would be welcome… but I know better now than to wish for things that I are pretty impossible at this point in time.
Well, after all that negativeness and emotional yabbering, there is hope yet for I know that underneath it all buried away, there is the real JWPM, the one that believes and loves happy endings, fairy tales, prince charming’s, world peace, nevernever land, bubbles, fireworks, fairy folk, dreams that come true, the magic far away tree, rainbows, justice, unicorns, magic, wishing wells and everything hopeful, good, happy, magical and joyful. She is in me somewhere. She is the very wellspring of my being that keeps me moving, hoping, believing and living. I pray fervently that she does not disappear for that would truly be the end of me.
