I am..

I am ...

a daydreamer

a storyteller

and a writer

of happy ever afters.

***

Words

People should watch what they say for fear of breaking a heart or hurting a soul or to sound like an uneducated fool.


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Christmases Past, Present & Future

Christmas eve has come and gone just like that and pretty soon Christmas will be over as well. Funny how I wait all year round for this day and then all too soon its gone and strangely enough, my Christmases never quite go the way I plan.

Perhaps its because I never had any real traditions for Christmas. There were no "must do's" or places that I "had to go" each year. Once we used to have a really big Christmas thingy at my aunt's place (dad's side) when we were younger... the celebrations have toned down some now. I also used to have Christmas lunch with my granny (mum's side) at my aunt's place. Then my aunty and then later her husband passed away and then my granny passed away too. So now there really is no place to go for Christmas lunch. How I wish I could have lunch with my grandparents again. Just one more lunch with ginger beer and her home cooked food and then later a snooze in my granny's room.

I try to spend every Christmas eve night at Midnight mass with the day being spent shopping or just being with family and friends. I guess my mistake is that I never really made my own traditions. I just did what everyone else was doing. It doesn't help that I had several boyfriends and each Christmas there were new things to do with a new family to share the season with. At that time, it felt okay but now looking back... it just seems a tad sad.

Today's mass was pretty good. I loved the magic in the church as the choir sand and the smell of the incense filled the air around us. What I didn't' like was what we did after mass which wasn't really great. I would have rather spent it quietly at home with friends just talking or watching a movie or something. I am turning into a frightful bore. Didn't quite help that my mind was being preoccupied with inflicted annoying thoughts and that the crimson rivers were gurgling along with a mind of its own.

Now, that I am finally at home in the quiet coolness of my room, my mind drifts back to Christmases past. The Christmases that were with my two grannies mostly. I also remember how for a few Christmases I bought myself presents and wrapped them nicely and set up my small tree with its precious few ornaments and laid the presents underneath its sparse green boughs. I later opened the presents and a few others that were given to me alone near the Christmas tree and my Nativity scene which I had made our of an old tissue box in Sunday School. How very far away that Christmas seems - must try to locate that photo of the tree with the pile of presents and my Nativity scene.

Then there was my first Christmas spent in Australia with the Eatons and the other friends that I had made there. We cut our own Christmas tree and decorated it as well as the house with all sorts of Christmasy ornaments. My host mum also made me a personalised Christmas sock which she filled with my very own Boney M Christmas CD, a super sweet mango, chocolates and other treats. We had a hot Christmas as it was summer but we had a bonfire and made smores. We also had a BBQ and had fun just lying on the grass and staring up into the stars.

There were also two Christmases that I acted in church. It was a Christmas cantata it was called and it was held before Midnight mass. I did my first performance when I was 12 and was part of the choir. My second performance was when I was 15 and sporting an awful short mushroomy hair cut. I was one of the 3 Wise Men that went to find the baby Jesus. I had heaps of lines and was super enthusiastic as I skipped around the altar whilst I followed the Star that led me to the manger. I cringe every time I think of the video and my happy skipping, but I miss that... I miss acting in a cantata with a Christmas theme.

I also enjoyed going to Singapore to watch the lights along Orchard. I went 3 times my last time being with B just last week. The hustle and bustle was draining. There were people everywhere but the lights was lovely. All that was missing was snow!

Anyways, it's late. If I pissed off anyone tonight, I sincerely apologise. There is a lot on my mind and I have not been the friendliest of people today but really this Christmas just isn't going my way. I wish that someone would have led me by the hand and planned me a Christmas instead. Well like they always say, when you have lemons, make lemonade or a lemon meringue. I am sure Christmas morning will look brighter and will see my day being filled with activity and even if it isn't, a good lie in or a TV session is pretty okay too I suppose. One should just be glad that they are alive and that they have all these blessings poured upon them.

So here's to all the Christmases that have passed - they were indeed wonderful ones which I will cherish in the days and years to come - the current Christmas I am having - may the day be bright and happy with many things going on which I will enjoy - and to the Christmases to come which will be filled with all the best memories and experiences. May all of us find the joy and magic of Christmas not only during this Christmas season but also throughout the year.

Happy Christmas to all and don't forget the reason for the season *hugsss*
May God bless us abundantly during this Christmas season and may all our hopes, dreams, prayers and wishes come true this year.

Christmas Eve

It's Christmas Eve already.
I can't seem to sleep although I was so tired at B's place.
Perhaps it was the coffee I had with Cats @ Starbucks just now...

Anyways, I love Christmas Eve.
There is always such magic in the air.
Such anticipation.
I pray that this Christmas is an awesome one that I can share with my family and my friends. Am already meeting up with Chris later today as I haven't seen her in a couple of months. I plan to see Shells after Christmas and some other friends before the New Year sets in. I can't wait.

There is of course there is this part of me that misses you still so very much. A part of me that would give anything to have you here with me but such is life. I hope that you are happy wherever you are in this great wide world that you know that I think of you often and I wish you were here with with me all the time. You are missed deeply.

To all my friends, a happy happy and blessed Christmas. May the peace of Christ reign in your hearts today and for all the tomorrows to come.
*hugs*

Sorting and Cleaning

I dragged myself out of bed today and started working on cleaning my room. It is a drag really to do any sort of work when you are on leave but the sorting and cleaning needs to be done and so I found a rag and got my plastic bags out and started the sordid business of sorting and cleaning.

During this process, I found many things which I thought I had lost and I also had a panic attack when I realised that I had too much stuff. It's difficult to part with stuff because you just might need them. Most of these things anyways are for my arts and crafts or for my collections.

Anyways, the packing and the sorting is still underway. There are heaps more stuff to go through. Got stuck at my bedside cabinet or my "memory closet". I took a breather (and then some) going through its contents and throwing away some of the stuff I no longer wanted. I realised that no matter how much time has passed, you can't quite bury the past (sigh!). I also realised that I am so blessed to be loved by some people. There are many people out there who have never felt loved, and I am so truly blessed to have been loved.

I will worry about sorting and cleaning tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that but to be honest, its the Christmas season and I so do not feel like sorting or cleaning. I just want to indulge in the festivities and day dream and just enjoy the holiday :)
Perhaps I will do just that!

Holiday Stories

Holiday stories will be coming soon :)


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Day out with my Pa

I can barely remember the last time I had a real lunch with my father, pa as I call him. The unhurried kind. The proper restaurant kind with tax.

It was before a church camp, I recall. I could have been 15. We were at Stage Coach a western food restaurant near church, the same row as the Satelite chicken rice shop. I chicken chop and chocolate ice and maybe even watermelon.

It wad one of those days when my pa had to take half day leave to bring me to church.

Today, I had lunch with my pa at Italiannis in One Utama. We had grape shakes and alot of food. After lunch, I went shopping with my dad to find him a pair of working shoes. He finally found a pair he liked... It was his Christmas present from me.

I loved the time we spent together and thank God for memories such as this.


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Would it be...

Would it be...
Too much to ask
For more time?
For a raise?
For you to be more patient?
For you to stop polluting your lungs?
For the blardy ants, cockroaches and daddy long legs to just die?
For you could just go away?
For instant fat dissolvers?
For my memory to block out images of you?
For a new me?

Never smile at a crocodile

"Inspired" by BeeStink

Never smile at a crocodile
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin
Never smile at a crocodile
Never dip your hat and stop to talk awhile
Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day
Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile
You may very well be well bred
Lots of etiquette in your head
But there's always some special case, time or place
To forget etiquette
For instance:
Never smile at a crocodile
No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile
Don't be taken in by his welcome grin
He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin
Never smile at a crocodile
Never dip your hat and stop to talk awhile
Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day
Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile

Human

I just realized that i am a normal human being.
I am just like everyone else.
I hope you know that and remember that.


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Love Etc.

When I was younger, I thought I knew all about love. I talked about it, read about it and watched it... Or more like versions of it.

Now older and slighty wiser, I know that love isn't all about good times and happy endings.

Love is about acceptance of the other persons shortcomings and loving them despite of it.

Love is about trust and forgiveness and learning from past mistakes and moving along together instead of moving apart.

Love is about growing together emotional and spiritually.

Love is about putting the other persons needs before your needs and giving them the best you can possibly give.

Love is embracing and sharing each others differences instead of fighting over it.

Love is taking care of the other person and looking out for them.

Love is about walking together on the same journey eventhough you may take different paths to get to the destination.

Love is discovering the magic in the simple.

As each day passes, I learn something new about love and I hope that I will continue to learn and to experience this wonderful, crazy, little, big thing called love.

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:)

Sorrow looks back,

Worry looks around,

But faith looks up!

Live simply,

love generously,

care deeply,

speak kindly

and trust in our Creator who loves us.

Walking Back

I walked back in time again today.
I strolled through friendster and hotmail
and browsed through old memories.

And it made me cringe. It made me wonder...
Evaluate... Tear up a little...
Hurt some... And of course remember.

I remember the girl I was.
I remember the friend I was.
The one who smiled more and worried less.
The one that had so many friends.
The carefree adventurer.

So just for that few moments,
I walked back and tried to remember...
and later once I was done, I tried my best to leave the past where it belonged.

But sometimes against my will, the past comes back to haunt me and yet there are other times when these memories come flooding back to me to act as a soothing balm over old wounds that never healed right.

I think these walks to the past are needed every now and then to remind me of a great many things; the fragility of life, the intricacies of relationships, the hopefulness of youth, the joys in the simple things, the small victories and joys overlooked and forgotten and the happiness and blessings one has recieved over the years.

I am thankful for these occasional walks back that I take every now and then... and its great to know and realise that I am looking ahead and walking forwards towards the hopeful unknown, with a select few happy memories as my companion on this journey.

Arghhh...

ARGHHHH!!!

I hate cockroaches!

They should all just die!!!

I hate the end of the weekends as well.

I wish there were more days in a weekend.

Spreading Magic

I have...
So many things I want to write about.
So many projects I want to begin.
So many things I want to clear, clean and arrange.
So many ideas floating around in my mind.
So many books to read.
So many DVDs to watch.
So many places to see.
So many arrangements to make.
So many moments to capture.

I feel excited.
I haven't felt this way in awhile.
I think it's the Christmas Spirit spreading its magic *grin grin*

He is near

Have confidence in God's mercy,

for when you think He is a long way

from you, He is often quite near.

- Thomas A. Kempis -

Thanksgiving

First among the things to be thankful for is a thankful spirit…
Happy are they who possess this gift!
Blessings may fail and fortunes vary, but the thankful heart remains.

Happy Thanksgiving All.
May we be reminded and give thanks
for all the immense blessings that we have been given.

Thought of the day:
The secret to enjoying life is to be thankful for what each day brings.

Stranger in the mirror

Sometimes when I look in the mirror,

I don't recognize the reflection of the person

staring back at me.

I feel like I am a stranger in my own body.

I feel feelings which I never knew I would feel.

Ugly, awful things.

Things that I wish I could rip out from me

and fling far far away.

I see tears roll down this strangers face.

I feel pain rippingly, swelling,

burning and bursting inside her.

I see the thoughts and the memories

play in her mind like a broken record.

I see her heart choke

and thighten and gasp.

I can't help her.

I just stare wordlessly,

unblinkingly at her.

And just as soon as that feeling comes,

it disappears and I remember that person

staring at back at me.

I remember her past,

I come to terms with the present

and look hopefully towards the future.

An unchangeable promise

An unchangeable promise
If the Lord be with us, we have no cause of fear.
His eye is upon us, His arm over us,
His ear open to our prayers – His grace sufficient,
His promise unchangeable.

- John Newton -

Paranoia

I would like to have a quiet read before I sleep tonight. I would like to have a peaceful relaxing time at home alone.

Those days of being home alone and feeling safe are gone.

I am panoid everytime I hear a creak, a sound... anything sets me off on paranoia mode. I clutch my bat everywhere I go.

No matter if my dad explains it over and over again that it can't and wouldn't happen again, I still worry about it, I still think about it. I wonder if what I hear is actually real and not something in my imagination.

I want this feeling to go away and never return.

God, please help me to overcome this worries of mine.


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Starting

Everything starts with something.

A small idea makes you a millionaire.

A shared smile turns into the love of your life.

A small seed turns into a gigantic tree.

So I have to start somewhere.

Get pass the past.

Get pass the excuses.

Get pass the obstacles.

It's now or never, right?

Amount

It's amazing...truly amazing the amount of sorrow and pain that a heart can hold.


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My place

I am blogging for the first time with my iPod who isn't quite getting the attention it deserves... It's an interesting experience no doubt. Anyways, Its sad that another long weekend has ended and I think why good times always have to end so quickly. I also pondered, despite this really awful headache, about me and my place here on earth... I think that this was brought about when I was walking amongst the gravestones in the cemetry today. I wonder where I belong and where I fit in, my calling and my purpose. It's a tough question to answer. Will let you know once I figure it out myself.

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Why I hate the newspapers!

My parents, my peers and people in general ask me why I don’t read the newspapers. “Your general knowledge is terrible,” my father tells me. He enjoys quizzing me on things like who is the minister of this and that. I look at him with a blank face and make a silly guess or I don’t answer him for he is right. I don’t know. “How are you going to know what’s going on in your own country if you don’t read the papers,” my well meaning colleagues ask me. “Didn’t you read the papers about the girl/boy who….” or “did you read what so and so said in the papers…” type questions are hurled my way frequently and I repeat the blank stare or mumble something in response or on occasion provide a stupid excuse as to why I have not read the papers.

I am sure reading the papers for my own knowledge or more like “to be in the know” is vital especially in the field of communications that I am in. It’s oh so important to know about that merger, that acquisition, that new launch, that new regulation passed, the new budget, the state of the economy the person who… and blablabla.

Yet each morning when the pile of newspapers land on my desk I feel sick to my stomach and I dread flipping its dirty gritty pages. Why this sick feeling you wonder? Why is she being such a drama queen? It’s after all just a paper which provides you information about the world and the country you live in and everything else in between right?

Wrong. The newspaper I believe is full of crap! Yes crap! The kind that you can find at the bottom of the dustbin. The kind that you can find growing in your drain. The kind of things you can find collecting underneath your shoes. Now if you take some time and flip through the grimy papers, you will note that every other page has columns or full pages or shudder, even creative buys like blurbs, stickers or callouts offering you to purchase something or other. Ads ads ads! The very things that drives the newspapers to its mammoth growth. *Note: I admire the creativity of certain ads but really, who needs so many ads in their face each day?

Now besides this sickening ads that yell at you to purchase a product that will make you look slim and beautiful with a whole head of hair in 10 sessions so that you become the object of everyone’s desire, or the dream driving machine with some super duper technology that will instantly alleviate your status amongst your peers and make you the envy of your neighbors and nosy competitive relatives or the latest mobile phone plan for your favourite people which could save you heaps of cash monthly, you would expect to at least get some brilliant piece of journalism right? The kind of article so well written you would sit up and take notice. The kind of article with a call to action so strong you automatically feel that you should do something that can change the world or make a difference. The kind of article that informs you and makes you more knowledgeable, that increases your intellect. The kind of article that makes you take a step back to think. Well, sorry to disappoint folks. You will be hard pressed to find an article of such caliber or perhaps it is me again with my high lofty expectations.

Before I continue my tirade about the deplorable state of the newspaper sans the advisements which are merely marketing tools sadly driven by our own needs and insecurities which are also needed to bring down the costs of the printing of the grubby papers, there are a handful of decent articles in the papers albeit more often then not, syndicated articles or weekly columns which do pique my interest and who entertains me to a certain extent. Perhaps I am being too harsh and judgmental about this, viewing things through my own narrow viewpoint, but really when was the last time you read an article which has changed your life or propelled you to greater heights? More often then not, you will find articles that are just what I would like to call “so what?” articles. The kind that you just read so that you are “in the know” or which you can make a half baked comment about but which generally adds no value to your life.

Moving along to the deplorable bit of print called the newspaper. With each page that I turn, starting with the cover story with its big bold headlines that scream something new and “wow”, to the next few bits of news about the country, government, latest collaborations, politics, business, world, sports and features about the latest it girls/guys, hit movies, singing sensations, over exaggerated fashion from Europe and the states which no one can even wear let alone afford and blablabla, I feel like ripping the pages to wrap the vegetables my mother bought from the market or to line the cages of some pet or to just toss it in the bin. It’s just so full of crap!

Have you read the kinds of things our people in power say? It will make you laugh and then cry because you realize that these are the people who hold your very welfare in their hands. Who holds the fate of the country in their hands. The half truths, the stupidity, the twisted words, the promises made and then forgotten, the pretty photo op pictures, the beautifully crafted words inserted with the proper key messages by PR people are all there for the world to see in glorious neat columns of black print. So many campaigns are launched with pomp and glamour whilst fueling and lining the pockets of others. I can hear the applause as the speeches are made as these people stand up and deliver speeches crafted by minds and hands of people you will never know. The promises made and the words said will be forgotten, swept away and discarded – the only evidence is the rows of print that will be thrown away and hopefully recycled.

Very few brave people have voiced out and even challenged the things that have been said while most seethe in silence afraid of repercussions. Try writing a letter to the Editor about something which is controversial and you can be sure that the letter will never be printed or if printed, edited to something that is unrecognizable. Oh of course it is edited, they need your article to fit into the “X” amount of space (usually 2 pages) allocated for the ‘readers say’ however, in the process they just might take out the important bits which are usually the crux of the issue. No surprise there really.

Then there is the news about the crime and the evil in this world – the sections that depresses me the most. I read about the horror of gang rapes while people pass by and watch without doing anything to help the victim. I read about fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers, neighbors and strangers who rape young children who should be innocently watching Spongebob on TV, who rape unassuming young women or even old women who go about their own lives, who are just there are the wrong place at the wrong time - Keep it in your freaking pants or sarongs man! I read about many women who are raped by people in the villages. I also read about males who are raped. The cases are never reported because, shudder men’s egos are at stake here and whowever heard of this preposterous thing… but it happens.

I read about wars. The numerous people that are displaced, who have no food and who have died. The numbers of the dead or missing printed in huge bold numbers. I read about the starving people in Africa. I read about H1N1, AIDS and cancer. I read about famine. I read about natural disasters. I read about the extinction of certain species of animals and plant life. I read about global warming. I read about racism or perhaps the fact “that there is no such thing as racism”. I read about murders. I read about injustice. I read about terrorism. I read about kidnappings and ransoms. I read about bribery. I read about school shootings. I read them all.

Why do I torture myself with such news when my life is already filled with its own share of drama and misery? Who needs this kind of news really? Sure it makes you reflect and thank your lucky stars that you aren’t them but then really, reading the papers in the morning is so freakingly depressing. How is anyone going to have a good start to the morning with this load of crap in your hands?

Here’s another thing. All the news that you read may not be newsworthy and your wonder… hmmm… “Why is this bit of news included in the line-up of riveting articles today?” Easy! It is paid for or has been paid for with advertising. In my line, I beg for coverage for my organization but it’s hard when your organization seldom has the budgets to buy all that ad space necessary to get the best coverage in the papers. So what if your organization rocks or has achieved something really great, you will just get a small column measuring half a slice of bread for all your troubles. Lo and behold if you should a series of full page full coloured ads… you have prominent coverage with coloured pictures thrown in for extra effectiveness all because your news is “newsworthy”.

Maybe I am jaded, or again overacting. Maybe its just who you know that gets you prominent coverage… oh no… perhaps that’s not it. Maybe just maybe I suck at my job and the news that I generate are just utter nonsense. However, I honestly doubt that is the case simply because of several calls and blatant emails that I have received informing me that the said newspaper would not come to my event or cover my event simply because it has been 6 months since we placed an ad with them. Another newspaper, one of the country’s pioneer paper’s even told me that they had boycotted another organization in my industry several months earlier because they did not advertise and did I want the same fate as them. Besides that, don’t forget that so and so is friends with the big boss at the newspaper… a phone call can easily ensure your news will never see the light of day! Talk about newsworthiness. Don’t give me that feces!

So what’s there to like about the papers? Perhaps the occasional weekend pullouts with feature stories and of course the funnies, the classifieds and the cinema listings page. Other than that, I hate the papers. In the ideal world of which I idealistic hope for and dream about, there will be real feats of journalism that will win awards. There will be justice, there will be hope, there will be truth laced in all articles. There will be no fear in the written word. There will be no hidden agendas. The articles will be featured based on newsworthiness not on dollars spent. It will be about the wants of the everyday people. Reviews will be frank and honest and brutal if necessary regardless if you get a free meal or if they are advertising with that publication or if you know the person who owns the company that you tasked with reviewing. The ads will be minimal and not splashed on every other page.

Yes I am ever hopeful. Yes, I am a dreamer.

I wait for that day with baited breath.

Fav photos - C&JW

Why the sudden post about you?

Well I missed you.

No one to help me out or hear me bitch

or understand the tribulations of working @ the hovel.

I honestly hate it that you left

but life goes on and we learn to adapt.

See you soons.

Some of my favourite photos of us *grin grin*

Emmanuel

The light of God surrounds me,

The love of God enfolds me,

The presence of God protects me,

God is always with me - Emmanuel.

I shall not be lonely or afraid.

I just wonder

I wonder how many tears and bruises you need before your heart is truly broken.

I wonder how many times you can listen to the words before they numb you completely.

I wonder how many times you need to say the words so that you can believe in them.

I wonder how many times you need to curl and rock yourself, chanting over and over again that everything is going to be all right before things really do turn out alright.

I wonder about forevers. I wonder about words. I wonder about love. I wonder about how much a heart can hold. I wonder about sharing. I wonder about jealously. I wonder about death. I wonder about hope. I wonder about lies. I wonder about the truth. I wonder about sacrifices. I wonder about promises. I wonder about the future. I wonder about rainbows. I wonder about the dreams I weave.

I wonder...

I just wonder.

For the heart and tongue deceives even the most discerning and wise and we are disillusioned to see the things that are not truly there. Sometimes, we need to wake up, sit up, pay attention and see things as they really are and see yourself for what you are... In my case, nothing really much.

I wonder why it took me so long to see all this and to feel all this.

I wonder...

I just wonder.

Strange tea time craving

After all this writing, thinking and etc.

I have developed a strange tea time craving.

I suddenly long for a slice of orange cake

and a bag of cheese flavored twisties

and a lychee flavoured iced tea.

Talk about totally random food *grin grin*

Just a "Click" away

Each time I click on to a page, I find something more alluring more amazing. It makes my head spin, my eyes dance at the feast of colours and inspiration before me. My lips hunger to taste the delicious treats, my hands to feel the embellishments and the paper, my nose to sniff at the different smells and my ears to hear the different sounds. The images intrigue me. Invoke a dormant piece of me.

I long to shut down my office laptop, delete pathetic condescending emails, slam down the office phone and pull out the plug on annoying people offering and goading me to sponsor their one million and one exhibitions, conferences, funds, causes and etc. and go home to the comfort of my own laptop at home that itches to be set alive to run free with ideas kept on pieces of paper and in books long forgotten. To switch on and fire up my iPod that lies dormant in my bag locked in my side drawer only to be taken out and admired when I leave the hovel.

However, as there is this strange streak in me today, I find my mischievous hands curl up against the mouse and once more click onto the browser that takes me to wondrous places and I take several peeks delightedly like a naughty child at the world of inspiration that is just a "Click" away.

Monday

It’s Monday so the lobby of the hovel where I work is getting its dose of polish. The floor looks squeaky clean, shiny in most parts till of course the thousands of feet scuff it and walk all over it, heaping the muck of the real world onto its shiny surface.

I was once again besieged by ridiculousness as I sat down for my daily 9 meeting. Sometimes I think they speak in riddles that I am not supposed or allowed to decipher yet, because I am obviously of lowly rank, with a lower IQ then the ones who graduated abroad with marbles in their mouths – perhaps one day I will be fortunate enough to understand their speak.

A call from my mum tells me that Aunty A whom I have known forever has passed away in her house and no one knew that she had passed on as she lived alone. She had no relatives. No family. My mum is there with other ladies from the church, sorting out the details and things. It’s a shock to us all. Aunty A was a strong women, who had a powerful body smell, a white car which she drove even though she is more than 3 times my age, a neat house and garden near my home, and a head of curly white hair. I hate that everything is in the past tense. I told Cat about it and she is as shocked as I am. It’s sad. Death. The ending of ones life. So sudden. The could haves and should haves which are thought of too late. The last chapter of ones life. The end.

Things then… like ridiculous riddles, feeling small and invisible at meetings and in life in general, getting told that what you do is never enough, getting annoyed with the broadband for being slow, squeaky clean floors, buttons that will just not button properly, marbles in mouths, heavy boxes that need to be lifted, hunger for a mouthful or flourless orange cake and a steaming cup of tea, all seem trivial in the face of death. For in this horrendous gaping empty void of death, there are no more of these things… just nothingness, a void and in the end of that long tunnel, a Heaven where these things that are stressed and worried about now are of no worth or value.

I should be doing more today - my accounts, my filing, my press releases and media interviews… but these things are far from meaningful. They are useless to me at this point in time. I went to the toilet again today - it has recently become my thinking ground, my escape from the stresses of the office of late - just sat there on the porcelain throne for awhile thinking about these emotions that once again course through my veins… and for awhile although confused, sad, angry, torn and all that jazz, I think that its not so bad after all. I am thankful that I can feel these things and that I am alive for one more day.

A Peach

Its been too short a time since I last wept. You would think that at this stage in my life, life would be a peach. Well I thought it was a peach. A peach with the perfect shade of orange mixed with reds and browns. Fuzzy, soft and firm at the same time, with the smell of summer, of would be adventures and sweet days ahead wrapped up in that one luscious fruit.

Yet the fruit to best describe where my life is right now would not be a peach. I honestly don't know what fruit it would be... but perhaps it would be an apple. A boring old apple, bruised, rotted slightly, lying on the shelf, hoping to be picked to be made into something more. Perhaps a jam, a preserve or even heavens forbid, an apple pie.

I am weeping again. The tracks of my tears that fall are like the raindrops falling from the Heavens. There was just too much to bear that it had to pour forth, streaking down my face leaving a trial that eventually dries and fades away with time. Gosh, how much rain there has been this year. A very trying year I have to say and it is not even over. Note: Its not to say that this year has been the utter pits, it has been pretty good too...

I don't want to evaluate my year now, not when there is a good 2 months plus left of it. So much can happen in that time I am sure. What I have been doing in bits and pieces is reevaluating my life. Where I am and where I stand with myself. I tend to do this when change is knocking on my door and when I think, should I open the door for change or should I wait just a little bit longer?

My quest for finding me has been waylaid. My dreams and hopes put on a shelf for a later time. There were more important things that needed my attention it seemed, but perhaps that is where my downfall lies, in putting these things aside instead of in the fore front.

Friends of mine tell me relentlessly how stupid I am for allowing people to lay their hands on me or to abuse me with words when people should instead hold my hands and build me up with their words, not tear me down. After all, what is said often enough becomes true sometimes. So, after thinking about it, my fears, my insecurities at not being good enough, or thin enough or beautiful enough stems from these words. These words that hurt met, that kill me, that make sick inside... and the sad part is that they are the ones doing this to me in the end. I am such a glutton for disappointment.

So here I am. On a Friday night, a night which I look forward to the most out of the whole week, sitting on my parquet floor in my room, my clothes discarded in a pile, my bags and books beside me, my bed behind me, Deepavali fireworks ringing in the background, tissues scattered beside me with tears rolling down my checks, wondering what this post is truly about and nursing a wounded heart and a torn soul.

But no worries. Tomorrow is another day I tell myself. My family needs me to move on for them. To provide for them. To give them hope. To make them laugh. To be the 3rd generation banker. To go on and along with the rest of the world. At least I know I am needed by them if no one else... that keeps me going.

The Pastor at Christian Fellowship said today that suffering can make one bitter or better, softer or harder. A very timely reminder of the choices that we can make.

Well, welcome weekend. There is always hope of it being an awesome weekend.

* Angel,
At times like this, I miss you the most.

Butterflies

If nothing ever changed,

there would be no butterflies.

*grin grin*

I keep trying to remind myself that at times change is good...

that it is needed to grow, to beautify, to improve.

It is just hard to let go of something that

you are so used to,

that you have grown fond of...

but yes... I shall try.

I shall try to embrace changes as they come...
Just like a caterpillar embraces
change to become a butterfly...

to emerge as a better, more brilliant
and more beautiful creature
who will soar higher and further on its wings,

so shall I try to be.

2 years @ the Hovel

Happy 2 year anniversary at the Hovel DW!

and yes... thank you God for guiding me and

allowing me to stay alive and sane through the two years.

IT gadgets

I can't believe it but this year, I have bought so many new IT gadgets.
I welcome my new laptop, my new external hard drive,
my new laptop accessories,
my new mobile phone and my new iPod touch.


Am trying to get the hangout of the new iPod but I feel
too sluggish and tired to do anything.
I have not even opened it from the box
and am just downloading iTunes now.

This is me rambling on and on
as I panic about the state of my savings account
and feel sick thanks to the idiot fever.

Good morning Vietnam!

Its finally over.
The event that took over me
for more than 3 months.
A chapter has closed.

Thank you God for Your help,
Your wisdom, Your guidance,
Your goodness, Your speedy assistance
when I was worried and in need of You.
I praise you and am overwhelmed
by Your goodness.
I don't know how I
can ever repay You for Your
goodness and help.


To all the other friends and family of mine,
Thank you all of the prayers,
the encouragement,
the FB posts,
the SMS's.
I truly felt much better
knowing that there were people caring for me
and supporting me.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Good morning Vietnam!

Being patient with me

Be patient with yourself.
There are no shortcuts to hope and joy.
Growing fruit takes time.

(I must remind myself about this on an on going basis)

MSN Video Chat

We are video chatting on MSN.
You are playing me a song...
its mileycyrus...
I no likey that song.

A thousand things are running
round and round in my head...
but I have no inspiration to write it down
or let it pour forth from my mind.

:)
you are now singing
Elvis songs for me now.
My heart melts.

I met a man today

I met a man today, the sticker seller David.
He made me count my blessings all over again
and I am thankful for that.

May God watch over him
and provide for him his daily bread.

Epicurus

Do not spoil what you have
by desiring what you have not;
but remember that what you now have
was once among the things you only hoped for.

- Epicurus -

The Harder Path

There are times,
very much like how it is now,
when I wish
that I didn't have
to feel,
to care,
to dream,
to wish,
to want,
to accept,
to hope,
to achieve,
to seek,
to need.

It would be nice,
I imagine to not have to bother
about the consequences,
about the people,
their actions,
their words,
their broken truths,
their broken dreams,
their sharp words,
their empty promises,
their disapproval,
their rejection,
their judgments,
their feelings,
their thoughts,
their lies,
the shadows,
the sounds,
the nightmares.

It would be
easier,
less painful,
to be able to
disengage,
untangle,
emancipate,
forget,
release,
let go...
instead of
holding on,
biting my tongue,
crossing my fingers,
being patient,
suffering in silence,
tolerating,
hoping,
praying,
writing my own happy endings.

--------
But this is me...
choosing the harder path,
the more difficult route.

Rest in Peace

My uncle passed away on Thursday.

To read a little about my uncle, click here.

We went for his funeral service and

on to the memorial gardens yesterday

to lay him to rest thereafter.

The memorial gardens was lovely.

Calming.

The weather was perfect.

No sunshine, slightly cloudy

with a hint of a breeze.

It was a very emotional service

with two of my nieces playing a duet

"Somewhere Over The Rainbow".

One played the flute and another on the piano,

though she was miles away, she taped her piece.

Her short message to her grandfather

and the accompanying moving piano piece

also brought renewed tears to everyones eyes.

The family was distraught but they

know that he is in a better place now.

I pray that they find comfort and solace

during this difficult time.

Deliverance

Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear, rather, look to them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them.

- St Francis De Sales -

A full post

I want to weep but I have too much pride.
So instead,
I write out this string of meaningless words
and fill this post with my emotions
and unshed tears.

Fuzzy Inside

Contentment

When I saw this pic.

It made me think of us.

It made me feel fuzzy inside.

New links

I feel like rebelling today so am not going to turn on my office laptop which I lugged to the advertising agency and back (thanks Daves for the lift) to do some work that is pending. I reckon the work will still be waiting for me when I get to the office tomorrow and this whole work thingy will never end. There will always be things to do......

I keep trying to remind myself that its just work. Its just something that you are paid to do... and yet I feel strangely responsible for all of the things that I have been tasked to do. Could this be a side of maturity or stupidity?

Anyways, if anyone has noticed (I don't know if anyone still reads my blog or even visits it, though I appreciate your comment Pegs, at least I know one person still drops by every so often), but the links on my page of changed. I have decreased the amount of blogs which were formerly my friends and have increased the blogs that inspire me, the ones that I savor and browse with happiness and joy. These new links are inspiring.

Sometimes when I am not eating with B, my colleagues and am not rushing for deadlines, I sneak glances at these sites. Much like a secret admirer, wanting to be in the world of his/her lover and not being able to. But for me, this is enough. To browse, to ohhh and to ahhhh and to get inspired and to hope for some time to do these arts and crafts things... these things which I miss.

Well, its late. Almost 11pm (yes I am getting aunty-ish already) and I should get some sleep. My dreams last night were queer, scary and creepy. I wish you all a wonderful and blessed week ahead with all the happiness, hope and joy you can hope for every other day.

Anxiety attack

Once again there are so many thoughts wafting around in my head.
The long weekend is almost at a close and I honestly wonder how time has passed so quickly. My good intentions of going to church camp did not happen. My hopes to clean my room, organise my mess and finally get rid of things that I no longer want or need and of hanging out more with my folks has not happened and I am riddled with guilt.

Towards evening, I somehow had an anxiety attack brought on by the realisation that there is work tomorrow and that in about a months time, all that I have worked for will reach its pinacle. I am at once afraid and excited. I think about the work that I have done and that is waiting to be done and it sickens me. I feel physically sick and I get all upset on my head and my heart feels tight, kinda hard to breathe. This is not the first time that I have had it but its the first that I have had that lasts longer than 15 minutes... *sniffles*

But then the feeling dissipated not too long ago *Thank You God* and I feel much better now after checking my office mail (yes, the irony that checking my office email can make me feel better!) and realising that there was nothing much that happened over the weekend and on Monday. Nevertheless, there will be some long days ahead and I hope and pray fervently that everything goes accordingly and smoothly.

For now, the posts that I really want to write about, feelings, freedom, inspiration, thoughts and etc. will just have to wait till I have some free moments. Till then, hope everyone is doing well and that the new month of September brings lots of lovely susprises and goes along as smooth as silk (just like the new yellow and white silk pajama bottoms from La Senza that I am wearing - its so so so comfy).

Oh yes, Happy Merdeka! (I did not feel an ounce of the merdeka spirit and was sorely disappointed when there were no fireworks and the Curve area it was kinda like a ritual of sorts really... damn scuffs... damn economic slowdown!)

*virtual hugs and wishes of sweet dreams and happy endings to all my dear friends*

A simple prayer

Let my soul take refuge... beneath the shadow of Your wings:

Let my heart, this sea of restless waves, find peace in You, O God.

- St. Augustine -

The days are long

and often filled with all kinds of conflicting emotions.

Work piles up like mountain ranges,

stacks next to stacks next to stacks.

I sometimes wonder if this is what I really want

if in fact this is the path I should take...

I don't quite know,

but as I say this simple prayer,

my heart quietens and I find peace for another day.

An eagle

You are not called to be a canary in a cage.

You are called to be an eagle,

and to fly sun to sun, over continents.

- Henry Ward Beecher -

And I find peace again

On Thursday, 16 July... My house got violated. To read about the whole sordid incident, please go to BeeStink's blog.

I do not have the mood or the patience to write about it again... or perhaps I just don't want to recall what happened. I don't want it to torment me anymore. Eveytime my parents go out and I am alone at home, they tell me that I don't need to lock all the doors in the house. They tell me that no one is going to come. I don't know if they tell me this to find their own comfort, or to give me comfort...

I think they refuse to think about the what-ifs 'cos they too are afraid.
Anyways, I finally have the time to write some of my thoughts down about this incident.

~*~*~*~

Fear drips from my pores
Lingers in me and around me
But I hide it carefully under layers of skin.
Every sound rocks my core
Pushes me to the edge of anxiety.

I replay scene after scene in my mind
Trying to figure out if things could have been different
If I could do things better.
I wonder why it happened?
Why here? Why now? Why us?
I torture myself with what-ifs,
The kind that make your skin crawl
That make salty tears roll down
One after the other in quick succession.
That leaves a metallic taste in my mouth.
That makes me want to regurgitate everything inside of me.

It torments me.

Every creak and groan of my house sets me alert
And I am tired but I cannot rest
Cannot find peace.
Sleep eludes me.
I wake up from my light slumber
Every time the wind blows,
Or the house creaks.
I imagine them lurking in the dark of night
And I am filled with unwanted fight.

I search for a way to ease my troubled soul
To write, to speak to churn out these thoughts.
But I find no one around me,
I find no inspiration.
I only find the metallic acrid taste.
Of fear.
Of worry.
Of torment.

Then I remember the one place
I can could truly feel safe,
And that was in Your tender arms,
Your tender embrace.
The only peace I find
Are in Your words
That comfort my troubled soul.
And I turn to You
And I find the calm and solace
That I have been searching for.
I find You.
You soothe me,
You saved me from drowning,

My foot from slipping.

You hold out Your hand,

I take it.
And I find peace again.

Then What?

I think it’s easy to live in the now.
To be all in with your chips
Hoping the next card will win it for you.
To blow your next months paycheck
Before it even gets out on a much needed wardrobe.
To take a trip on a sailing ship
Or to fly to some wonderland on credit.
To love recklessly, to love fully,
Entirely, just for right now.

But when tomorrow comes
And your hand is the weakest at the table
And you have no more chips to play with,
When the bank comes a knockin’
And he’s found someone newer,
A better looking version in a dress...

Then what?

Beautiful words

Beautiful words pour from your lips
Like delicious fruit.
Ripe with hope and promise.
Should I believe these words are for me
Or is something so good meant for another?
Or are these ornamental words in disguise
the kind of the words that will render me
Broken, barren and lost?

My drafts

I have heaps of
half baked
half knit
half crafted
half thought about
half inspired
drafts for my blog
sitting in my folder.

I long to take the drafts out to
examine them
finish them
embellish them with my thoughts
sprinkle them with magic
weave my feelings into them.

But the moment passes.
Time moves on
and I find myself still standing silently
gazing off into the middle distance
rooted in the same spot
while the world moves on around me.
I am waiting patiently for a sign
a monumental moment
hands outstretched to rescue me
and my eyes turn to You
and I am comforted
for I know that You love me
irregardless of everything.
And my heart is stilled.
And I exhale.
I breathe.

I open a new document and
my thoughts come tumbling out
and I begin another draft.

For...

For the lonely
For the beggarman on the street.
For the lost.
For the confused.
For the ones at the crossroads.
For the dreamers who are grasping on to their dreams for dear life.
For the unemployed.
For the retrenched.
For the wrongly accused.
For the grieving.
For the sick.
For the ones we miss.
For the ones that have departed.
For the handicapped unable to get down on all the steps at the monorail.
For the old lady that has to go through the trash each day searching for trash,which to her are treasures.
For the grasscutter on the highway looking at the long expense of grass he has yet to cut under the hot blazing sun.
For the orphaned and the widowed.
For those unloved.
For those unwanted.
For those who are barren.
For those who make their home where ever they lay their head.
For the oppressed.
For the war victims.
For the lost flora and fauna.
For the women who have no equality.
For those with the world on their shoulders.
For those that cry alone at night.
For the victims.
For the heartbroken.
For the cleaners who clean up our messes.
For those whose voices are not heard.
For those who search but never find.
For those that look but do not see.
For those whose hearts are made of stone.
For the ones whose magic is lost.
For the ones who have struggled for everything in their lives.
For those who never had a break in their lives.
For the homeless.
For the forgotten.
For the torn.
For the nurses that look after the sick.
For the sacrifices unnoticed.
My tears falleth for you.
My hopes and prayers are with you.

The heart

~ The heart would die had it no hope ~

keep me safe

i FeAr death and all his friends

- keep me safe God

I am voted the...

I am voted as the official

Office Fool!!!

I should leave this hovel

and join the circus

and be a clown instead.

A prayer

Lord, We thank you for the love that unites us,
for the peace accorded us this day,
for the hope with which we expect the morrow;
for the health, the work, the food and the bright skies
that make our lives delightful;
for our friends in all parts of the earth. Amen.

Help me to remember

I heard the song '

Cinta kan membawamu kembali'

by Dewa 19 today.

It made me remember much

and yet I find craters in my memory.

I need someone to help me to remember

The dreams I had when I was younger

The person I imagined and hoped to be.

Discernment

Stars may be seen from the bottom of a deep well
when they cannot be discerned from the top of a mountain.

- Charles H. Spurgeon -

It Is Real

In less than 24 hours, life has changed for me.
I feel abandoned.
I feel a lost.
I feel kicked out of my nest.
I feel like I landed on my bum.
I feel as if this is a prank some numbskull thought up.
But it is not so.
It is real.

I can't deny the fact that the news affected me more than I could ever imagine. In some ways the news doesn't come as a surprise but then again, I am a wishful thinker and am a little bit too idealistic at the best of times so when the words were uttered, well I was in denial for awhile and then I began to panic and then the strange pain began to settle in. The pain is still there.

What kind of pain you ask? Well its akin to that of being dumped. Of having your heart broken and you have no clue why it had to happened to very suddenly.

I dragged my feet and sulked the better part of the evening and although more than 6 hours has passed, I still feel the strange pain.

Through this pain and shock and panic... there lies actually several seeds of hope, excitement and adventure. After all, things will invariably change now. It truly will be a new beginning of sorts. The pained part of me just wants to sit in a corner and lick my wounds and weep like a sad poor child, but then there is this other part of me that is already in motioned, set to tackle the new things to come... that wants to know the whys, the hows, the whens and a whole host of questions. This side of me is also planning and thinking if its time to make "the move".

There is much to think about. The pros, the cons, the maybes, what-ifs, could be, wants and don't wants and bla bla bla to tackle but in a strangely sad and euphoric way, I think this new journey is just what I need.

It's already June.

It’s already June.

Time has passed so swiftly and I believe it will continue to move at such a quick pace in the days, weeks and months to come. Soon it would be the New Year and I would once again be taking stock of the year. The achievements, the happy endings, the new beginnings and of course the downside of things that however unpleasant and unnecessary it may seem, has shaped my year and my life to be as it is. But it’s not the New Year yet, its only half way through… but perhaps our conversation triggered something in me to write.

I haven’t written much these days. I ramble and I muse but don’t put down my thoughts on paper, in my journal or on word documents to go through and reflect during days when I am more sane… more focused. Earlier while you spoke, and wiped what looked like errant tears from you eyes, I felt not for the first time the similarities between us. Sure there are the differences between us but the more we speak to each other, the deeper we allow ourselves to go, I realise we are not that different at the core and heart of things.

My teachers used to say that life began after you left form 5. I think they were wrong or perhaps delusional. Life begins when you begin to think your thoughts, be exposed to people and to the world. From a young age depending on your characteristics and traits, you will be placed in categories. Parents and the people around you begin to expect things from you and when you fail to deliver, they either glance elsewhere or just pay attention to something or someone that is worthier of their attention.

I think that my life began the day I went to Std 1. Kindergarten didn’t really count because well… I just can’t remember much of it except my pink ballet wannabe shoes, my water bottle with the green cup attached bought from Fajar and my first school bag, a brown kinda like a tree bark coloured square fake Smurfs bag. I remember animal biscuits, painting on the porch with powdered paint, the scary teacher Ms Rama Rama and my colouring book of 'occupations' with the ‘good’ and stars written by the sides of my carefully coloured creations in red ink which I still have today. I occasionally wonder what PR / Corporate Communications person would look like in drawings and illustrations...

To reminiscence about my younger days in primary school and secondary school and even college would take too long… perhaps another post… but I guess what I wanted to write about is life… mine, yours, ours. Sometimes things don’t really go the way you plan or hope it to be. Everyone can draft out a five year plan or even a ten year one. They can have goals and objectives and etc. but life doesn’t always go the way you want it to and I think that all of us know this.

You prepare for life in whatever way you can, you study hard, you do all those extracurricular activities, you work towards getting a car, a house, a family with 2.5 children (whatever that means) and you live the life that people envy… but the sad fact is, there are always things that happen beyond our control that changes the course of our lives and like a hapless marionette, we bend and we fall and for those fighters we stand up again to continue soldiering on for one more day. We bend, we break but we patch ourselves up again and again and again. We are a human patchwork quilt, a hodgepodge, mish mashed unique person. There is only one you and one me.

My life has been a colourful one as most of you know. There have been gloriously shiny moments in my life, the moments I keep in my heart and in boxes, which I take out to view when I feel that I am floundering and need an anchor. Then there are the darker moments in life that I wish I could forget or erase but I know I can’t. The disappointments, the wrong decisions, the failed relationships, the ‘could haves’ and ‘ifs’… sadly or perhaps ironically, it is these very things that propelled me to be better. These incidents changed the course of my life; it drove me to be the person I am. It may be too late for something’s, the damage has been done and the hands of time do not budge but such is life… but this is just me.

I don’t know if the world sees a better improved me, but when I stand in front the mirror, 90% of the time I am pleased with what I see and unlike the me of old that needed approval form the world around me, I am satisfied though there are somethings I am working on at the moment.

There are times when I wish that the things I wanted could have been provided to me on golden platters. That life would have been smooth sailing without a glitch but I have known for a few years now that the very things that might seem accursed and burdensome, is in fact a blessing. You don’t need to wait for the New Year to start a ‘new life’. You don’t need a grand fanfare or a new tattoo or a hairdo to kick start the ‘new you’. Sure it helps but you don’t really need it. Each moment is a beginning. We can start now instead of waiting for another day.

I know I am rambling, but I just wanted to say is that all everyone needs it a little bit of faith in God and in ourselves... not to the point of being egoistical but enough to know who you are and where you stand. The disadvantages, the haphazard scars in our lives, the memories that darken the otherwise sunny landscape of our lives are the things that differentiate us from everyone else. Though painful, they lend and bring to the table a kaleidoscope of wonder and surprises that we never thought possible… but it is only us that limit ourselves and how sad it is to note that more often than not, we are the ones that stifle our own greatness.

You are growing up... we all are in fact. However, you have been changing for awhile now… it is not a sudden change but a gradual one. You still retain that childlikeness in you which I believe you will carry with you for awhile. I personally don't think you should lose all of this childlikeness, I think the world today lacks this.

Anyways, I wish you strength and wisdom in the days to come when you make sure and sound footsteps in this journey we call life. It may not be all sugary and sweet, but you can be sure that you will come out of it a better, wiser person. Take heart and believe in yourself.

I pray that our lives, be filled with love, peace, joy and hope. We are where we are supposed and destined to be. As always, I believe that everything happens for a reason and only when our day is through would we know the rhymes and the reasons for it being so… so till then, may life be all you want it to be and more.

Rutherford

After winter comes the summer.
After night comes the dawn.
And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies.

- Samuel Rutherford -

~*~*~*~

Rutherford was such an instrumental word for us in Form 4 & 5.

Rutherford how we miss thee and those simpler times...

I’m Right; You Must Be Wrong

I’m Right; You Must Be Wrong
Luke 6:37-42 (New International Version)

37"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
39He also told them this parable: "Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? 40A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.

41"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,' when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

~*~*~*~

My friend Ria admires the great blue heron’s amazing 6-foot spread of wings and marvels at his majestic appearance. She welcomes the sight of him gliding in for a landing on a small island in the middle of the pond near her home.

Now, I can appreciate that the heron is a marvelous and unique creature. But I don’t ever want to spot him in my backyard! That’s because I know he won’t be there just to admire the garden. No, this not-so-fine-feathered version of persona non grata (someone not welcome) will be checking out our pond for a take-out fish dinner!

So, am I right? Or is Ria? Why can’t we agree? Different personalities, history, or knowledge can color people’s views. It doesn’t mean that one person is right and the other wrong, yet sometimes we can be unkind, rigid, and judgmental if there is not agreement. I’m not talking about sin—but just a difference in opinion or perspective. We need to take care in judging others’ thinking, motives, and actions because we too desire that kind of benefit of the doubt (Luke 6:37).

Can we learn from someone who sees things with a different perspective? Do we need to practice a little patience and love? I’m so grateful that God is abundantly patient and loving with me. — Cindy Hess Kasper

You’ve been so patient with us, Lord,
Though we are slow to hear;
Give us the grace to show such love
To those we hold so dear. —K. De Haan


A little love can make a big difference.

http://www.rbc.org/devotionals/our-daily-bread/2009/05/06/devotion.aspx

~*~*~*~

I pray for more perspective.

Hurt

I am not sure of many things.
But I know that it hurts.

I just realised that...

Loving you means

losing me.

I hope

Hope is wanting something so eagerly that – in spite of all the evidence that you’re not going to get it – you go right on wanting it.

- Norman Vincent Peale-

Free Falling

I am free falling.

Grasping at thin air.

Willing my wings to unfurl and fly.

They are failing me now.

I am free falling.

But I know I will take flight again.

I am praying, begging, hoping it is soon.

19 steps

Nineteen steps backwards today...
One small step forward perhaps tomorrow...

Once I wanted to be the greatest and no one could stop me.
And then there was you...
You who could stop me with the bat of an eyelash, a wink, a grin, a toothy smile.
I lived in your light, in your arms,
I never thought I belonged there but you convinced me and I believed I was made for this. Made for your arms, your kiss, your embrace.

But here I stand, sorrowful,.
Without a friend or ally it is hard to make ones way into the world.
So sad that it makes my heart curdle like milk left out for too long.
Like cement unattended too in wheelbarrows by the side of the pavement.
How many times do I need to go through the wrong to get a right?
To get the right formula and equation to a life that is content and happy.

I miss you.
The end looks bleak and empty.
Far out of a grasp.

Once I wanted to be the greatest.
But I will settle for what I am now.
I dont quite have a choice.

One step at a time

So often we hope our lives will change through a giant leap of faith, a profound decision, or a significant act of service. In reality, the only way we change is one step at a time, and every step counts — David C. McCasland

I am taking things one step at a time...

trying hard not to think about the future and what it holds in store for me...

but there are frequent times when I wish I change just like that.

B. D. Gulledge

B. D. Gulledge:
I used to sit on the banks with a raft and watch the water roll lazily by.

One day I pushed my raft into the shallows of the water and found the water moved swifter than I thought.

My raft was actually a boat.

Then, after some time, I rowed my little boat into deeper water.

There were great storms, mighty winds, tremendous waves, and sometimes I felt so alone.

But I have noticed my little rowboat is now a mighty ship manned by my friends and loved ones; and beautiful calm seas, warm sunny days, and nights filled with comfortable dreams always double after a storm.

Now, I could never go back and sit on the bank.

In fact, I search for deeper water.

Such is life when lived.

How do you stop the rain from falling down?

The right path

I wonder if this is the right path for me

AND
I am wondering if the shoes fit for the journey...

When will I know?

Saint Teresa's Prayer

May there be peace within you today.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received,

and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God

Let this presence settle into your bones,

Aand allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of us.

- A prayer by Saint Teresa -

But you don't

I wanted to talk to you.
To unload my hearts contents,
To rid my mind from the worries,
my eyes from the tears and my soul from the sighs.

So, I called.
We spoke.
You ended the call so quickly
with a hurried goodbye.
The dial tone with its harsh sound
Then silence in my ear.

And then I thought that if you knew me better
You would have already known without the words being uttered,
You would have guessed it,
You would have asked about it,
Wheedled it out of me...
And then you would have comforted me and soothed my troubled heart.

But you didn't know.
And against my better judgment
And the echoes in my mind,
I wept.
I wish you had known.
But you don't.

News C&K heels

DW to B, JT and Shells on her new C&K Heels:

“Yes I damn hearts my new C&K Heels.
When I saws it in Charles and Keith it was like love at first sight.
And when I put it on, I didn’t want to take them off.
If I gots no money to buy the heels also nevermind ‘cos I would steal, beg or borrow the money.
I loves them that much. Sure it hurts my feet a little and sure I have to be extra careful when I walk ‘cos I am so clumsy and the heels are so high and thin…But neverminds all that.
They are so worths it.
I recently began my love/obsession/passion for footwear.
Previously I lived in aunty shoes from Bata-Comfit, my beach thongs and my Crocs…
But now, I is loves my footwears.
I keep on sneaking glances at my heels and my heart like goes… awww…
I so want to do me in these heels!
Loves loves thems.”

For Mars & I

~ Happy Birthday to us, Mars ~

May the coming year be filled with only the best things for us both.

You are missed.

~*~*~*~

Expect to have hope rekindled.
Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways.
The dry seasons in life do not last.
The spring rains will come again.

- Saran Ban Breathnach -

My 26th Year

My 26th Year has been an enjoyable ride.
It has been an ~ Adventurous road trip;
A cruise; A roller coaster; A balloon ride;
A walk in the park; An up-hill hike; A downward tumble.

I enjoyed My 26th Year.
I find myself being blessed more abundantly as each year passes (thank you God!)
and for some uncanny reason, I think that My 27th Year
will be the year I truly make the transition from a girl into a woman.
To finally embrace ‘growing up’… Truly accepting this rite of passage for what it is;
The uncertainties of it all, the pains, the sacrifices, the exuberance of life,
the open road, the chances, the wonderful and the immense possibilities.
My 27th Year will be better, more wonderful, more blessed and
filled with pleasant dreams answered and ‘it-made-me-smile’ kinda memories.

To everyone who was instrumental in making My 26th Year

all that it was, thank you.

Our 1st Valentines

For B;

May we have memories

that bring smiles to our faces when we reminiscence.
May we share a love

that is true and endless.
May our hearts beat together,

inter nos, never apart.
May we always be by each others side

walking hand in hand, two friends, two souls entwined.
This I wish, no more, no less,

on this special day, our first valentines.

Triggers

Sometimes:
A word
An email
A call
An SMS
A message
A laugh
A joke
A pep talk
A glance
A tear
A smirk
A wink
A look
A sentence
A smile
A frown
An action
A song
A sound
A voice
A scene
A smell

Can make me:
Hyper
Happy
Joyful
Enthusiastic
Hopeful
Upset

Hurt
Scream
Smile
Cry
Laugh
Hate
Jealous
Crazy
Emotional
Heartbroken
Suicidal
Think
Regret
Love

Files and Folders...

I wanted to blog about things.

Many many things.

But instead I am sorting out my files and folders

and FB-ing *hehehe*

There are so many files and folders...

I want to go home.

That lingering feeling

The relentless lingering feeling I have been experiencing, of not being able to write or create stems ffrom the fact that I am older, harder,

more bitter, more melanchoic and more tainted.

Its like a bad dose of constipation... emotional constipation.

A bad case of writers block. A dam to whatever creative flow I had in me.

Its a horrible accumalation of feelings and experiences best forgotten.

Suddenly to articulate the words,

to pen down my thoughts on paper is a task so great

that at times I wonder if I can just do it...

Write and write and write.

Create and paint and draw.

But there seem to be layers upon layers of emotion surrounding everything.

Yet there, in all the self-confusion and self-inflicted layers ,

the fact remains that with the knowledge that you are loved,

it is possible to work your way out of the gloom, the insecurities, the confusion

and the muddy waters you have placed around and in yourself.

Love truly is like a beacon,

a ray of hope that shines intoxicatingly.

It beckons you to come closer, to let go, to be free of it all...

I am letting go...

but will you be there to catch me?

I fear

I fear that I can't write nor speak proper anymore.

The words are lopsided, haphazard, a jumble of thoughts colliding out of sight.

Its just the words and actions that don't seem to come out right.

It seems that everything I say is wrong.

I have lost the meaning...

forgotten the lyrics to my inner song.

I miss writing.

I miss speaking.

I miss the words that were always my companion.

I miss you my best friend,my supporter, my champion.

I fear that I can't write nor speak proper anymore.

I fear I am losing you

as I did before.

I don't want to lose you.

What the heart knows

What the heart knows
Cannot be described
Cannot be explained
Cannot be expressed
It’s just a feeling
It’s just a knowing
It wonders if it is all just a game.

Go Foward

Somtimes in order to go forward,

You need to take a few steps back.

~ Kiss Me ~

I turn to mush everytime you kiss me *grin*

Scraping the surface

There should be more that I am doing…
I feel like I am barely scraping the surface of what I can do.
At times like this, I feel like I am a kite that is blown about by the wind
Letting the tides and the people around me dictate what I do.
Things have got to change.