Saturday, May 21, 2005

Alone With A Void In Me

These couple of days have flown by really quickly. So many things that have happened. Some things that have hurt, made me laugh, made me cry and made me smile and sigh with relief and yet somethings that I have learnt about myself.

A friend of mine came back for a short holiday from Singapore last Friday and yesterday was her last day here before going back. So we went out and I have to say, I had a fun time. I also have to say that I missed her friendship and I realize just how much I need my girlfriends. This particular friend of mine, well we had a falling out a couple of years back and when we talked last night it was as if the empty years didn't really matter. We had fun laughing and talking about things. It was one of those nights that I allowed myself to be irresponsible and have fun. I drank a hell load of shooters and managed to wheedle about 5 more for free. Then there was the delicious Long Island Tea and later at Rush there was more free drinks thanks to Mr Bar Man and other friends. My friends were surprised at my negotiation skills and how I managed to score so many drinks. Ha... hidden talents... =)

I didn't have a bad hangover today though I had the sick taste of tequilla in my mouth still - arghh!!! Had a long talk with one of my boyfriends till early in the morning and really wanted to go for breakfast with him but was honestly just too tired to even go to get more water. Later during the day though I realized that I had a problem. I realized that since the beginning of this year I had this emptiness in me. An emptiness which I cannot explain. Doesn't help that I have become more cynical and realistic lately, which sometimes sucks because usually when I viewed life through my 'rose coloured' glasses, I was happier and less "empty" so to say

So there I was contemplating this emptiness in me and for no reason I felt so upset about everything in my life that had gone wrong, and oh man there were a lot of things. So as I sat in my room thinking, I realized that I had to get mny life back on track. Perhaps I can never be truly the person who I was before, but I just needed half of that happniess and carefree joy that I used to have. I hate this whole Scroogey wierd empty feeling I have in me. Its like no matter what I do sometimes, the emptiness and the void never gets filled up. I will try from today, to find that old me... because I doubt I can live like this anymore.

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