Sensitive soul? Drifting mind?

I was all geared up to go for a night of dancing and having fun with the Possum and a few friends of ours (I mean after all that begging and pleading to stay over and to go out on a school night and all - I guess you have to force yourself to be 'gian' to go - but I was excitedlah ok, I admit) but the night took a surprising twist. A not so favorable one at that as well. Bugger it!

So there we were at Zouks for the Mambo Jumbo revival thingy wingy, dancing and boozing (actually me and a girl friend were dancing with all the other peeps to a decent song (finally one came after a few which sucked) when suddenly the music gets cut. I guess I knew what was going on, since my wonderful friends told me some horrifying stories of ppl having to pee into little cups furing new years and at other raids... and well hidiho... well what to you know... there was a bloody raid.

AHHH... my first raid...
This means that I have officially broken like a few new years resolutions but who cares really... On the other side of the spectrum, I can now add some thing to my new list (baru buka only) of 'NEW and Exciting things that happened to me during 2005'.

- my 1st Raid (we didn't get tangkaped)
- my 1st time puking (it was on New Years and apparently didn't look very puke like - sigh - can't do anything right)

Anyways, back to Zouks... lalala... dancing and then STOP! no music and a fellas voice asking all the ladies to go on the left and men to go on the right. DAMN! spoilt me whole nights. I didn't have any issues with them... it would have been good if they had asked me to pee in the little cup cos I needed to go to the loos anyways. I was happily viewing everything like a org from the kampung, when they suddenly say that they only want the Malays to stay and the lain-lain can go back (one of the only benefits of being a Lain-Lain). So there was this mad dash to the gates and everyone was pushing and shoving and my poor little feet got stepped on and the 'look' I gave the stepper was of no use - he pointedly ignored me. Bugger!

So that was the raid lah... yeah no big story here. It spoilt the night I can tell you. Wasted cash on the drinks which we didn't finish and the whole night was ruined. My friends and I decided to go to Hartamas after that, I mean we were all dressed up and had no where to go, so go there onlylah. So we went to this pub and sat there and drank somemore and then we went to Bangsar and stuffed our faces with all the food we could find there. (I tried to eat as little as possible - the key word here is TRY!) After that, we all headed to Possums place where we crashed for the night. I woke up this morning with a stiff neck, an aching back and some worries floating around in my mind. I felt suddenly inadequate and foolish!

Why? When I was at Zouks, I saw the sweepers and the ppls who were like kulis. Everyone around them was having fun, drinking, laughing and dancing... but there they were behind the scenes moving in and out amongst us never once being noticed. But I saw. I saw them...
They probably get like 4 bucks an hour and how much did we spend? I think a good 90% more than that. I felt sad then but I brushed it away just like what I always do these days. Whatever that is against my morals, against my beliefs and things that sadden me... just push it away. No one apprciates a thoughtful person. No one cares if you are sad. They call you party pooper.

But how sad that people in other countries have no food, no houses to stay in... heck they have nothing to call their own anymore and here we are dancing together merrily. Then those poor Malays, give them a break. They just want to have fun and dance and drink. I mean sure it is against their religion, but you can't make anyone follow something. IF they chose to break the rules and law of religion, then they answer to God and not to man who step in for God. I always think that these religious people are alittle over board sometimes - hypocrites I tell you.

Yet even as I type this, I know I will brush it all away again and the next time I get a call to go dancing at a club or to go for a drink, I know I will go. I will push the images from my eyes. Images of the poor with eyes so large and glassy, images of the tsunami victims crying for thier loved ones, images of the people behind the scenes like the garbage man and the cleaning lady. I will push them all away and concentrate on having a good time. Why do I need to care so much about things like this? Sensitive soul? Drifting mind? I dont' know. All I know is that it hurts to see these images in my mind and it hurts to put up with all the craziness, pain and sorrow all around me. I am not that brave like you... I crumble sometimes too like weak pastry clutched too hard - you just don't see it... but I crumble and it takes a while to put everything in its rightful place again and to get my eyes to stop weeping and my heart to stop hurting...