Lately when I look into the mirror, I am not sure who I see and at more often than not, I don't even recognize the person that stares back at me.
Lately there seems to be a need for me to prove myself... that I am worth something... that I have a reason for living and that I was born to do something great, something...anything...
Lately I seem to be living more often in my own little dream world... perhaps it is only there that I live the life that I really want and where all my dreams are a reality.
I am reminded each day of the changes that are taking place around me. The things that we can control and the things that we have no power over and I am left puzzled and pissed of because I hate not being in control of things.
Then there are the things that you do that on the spur of the moment and you wonder for the upteenth time why you did the things that you did, why you said the things that you did... and you wonder and ponder as hard as you can and make up all kind of hypothetical reasonings in your mind.
I am not sure where my ramblings are taking me today. I just felt the need to write about the consequences of ones actions and the consequences of everything that happens. After each act is done and finished and after each sylablle is uttered... there are so many consequences that you have to deal with that at times I just want to sit in this little hole in some God forsaken place and never need to be a part of this giantic chain of consequences.
I did some things which I am not too proud of awhile back and at times when I am alone and when I stare at that face in the mirror or look at photos of that seven year old girl with the yellow hair band and pink frilly dress, I wonder what I have become and momentarily I hate myself... but the moment evaporates as suddenly as it comes and I am left being me... that me with the imperfections, the me with the sometimes shitty life, the me who tries to fill up the gaps of her empty life, the me who loves and who longs to be loved in return and the me who knows that the day will come when she will only be but a memory...