I AM Sobbing & Screaming Inside.. I want to take out a gun and shoot myself (that is if I had one, or perhaps the good ole trusty blade will do). So what has left me in this sorry state? Well today is mid term presentation day for my television class.. and as always there are problems with the workload and etc.
I am sitting here in the computer lab wondering why eventhough I have been through 16 years of education I still never learn that you should never leave things till last minute.. yes last minute work the bane of everyones existence and the downfall of many a good sane student!!! I am supposed to feel remorseful even guilty that I have neglected like 30% of my marks, but strangely enough, I don't give a rats arse.
Perhaps I am too tired of correcting english and being called 'nerd' and kiasu (there was a mix up with my grades making me NOT the top scorer for General Psych class) and everything.. so I am being strangely calm, whilst still sobbing and screaming inside at my own
procrastination problems and the fact that my blood pressure is abnormally high at the moment. I keep telling myself that 'Patience is a virtue' but the effect of that mantra is wearing off. Had to warn my friends to back away slowly when they came to see the 'progress' I had made.
Oh well, mental health has never been my strong point. So yeah, here I am, writing this in my Little Piece of Heaven hoping against hope that I will feel better after all this writing and whining.
Some good news of the day, to redeem myself from getting 2nd place when actually goteen 1st in class, I got an indecent grade of 20/20 for my Psych essay assignment which led my fellow classmates to label me with 'Super Nerd'. *Sigh* I guess I fit that description anyways.
Possum has been exteremely nice to me these days. Had a good lunch today and wonderful yummy desert followed. But now that I am back again at college, I long for the Riberry to come and whizz me back home, or to Possums place, or to somewhere far away from college, the piling assignments and fellow procrastinating friends.
Hope you all are having a wonderful day anyways..
Tuesday, June 29, 2004
Saturday, June 26, 2004
*~* Here’s to the night *~*
Here’s to the nights we felt alive, when everything in this vast world seemed to belong to us. When we could do anything that we ever want, never thinking about consequences, never thinking about what tomorrow would bring.. For today was today, the past and the future held no meaning to us.
I remember those nights that left us breathless, that left us intoxicated with laughter and joy that bubbled out of our very pores, that left us blurry eyed with lack of sleep, with wind blown hair and smiles as wide as the Sahara. I remember those nights as if it were yesterday and I know that if I were to close my eyes I would be back to those nights, those nights.. Those nights that slipped by so very fast.. If only I had known that those nights would never occur again, I would have taken more notice of it, I would have cherished every single second that passed us by..
Do you remember those nights driving to destinations unknown willing the machines to move like the very wind around us, nights talking in the dark about everything and nothing in particular, nights of dancing check to check together underneath the blanket of the velvet night, nights of fizzy and bubbly doing things that no one knew or thought we would ever do, nights of candle light and music listening to our heart strings, nights of cards, of fate, of truth or dare.. Nights of daring to be anything or doing anything we ever dreamt of.. yup, those were the nights..
So, here’s a toast to all those who were with me on those nights.. Those nights when we felt so alive, here’s to the laughs and the tears, the screams, the inevitable laughter and tears.. Here’s to the dreams that we built..
Here’s to goodbye to those yesterdays for tomorrows going to come all too soon and heck there will be more nights.. aight, there will be more nights..
Inspired by the song “Here’s to the night” by Eve 6.
I remember those nights that left us breathless, that left us intoxicated with laughter and joy that bubbled out of our very pores, that left us blurry eyed with lack of sleep, with wind blown hair and smiles as wide as the Sahara. I remember those nights as if it were yesterday and I know that if I were to close my eyes I would be back to those nights, those nights.. Those nights that slipped by so very fast.. If only I had known that those nights would never occur again, I would have taken more notice of it, I would have cherished every single second that passed us by..
Do you remember those nights driving to destinations unknown willing the machines to move like the very wind around us, nights talking in the dark about everything and nothing in particular, nights of dancing check to check together underneath the blanket of the velvet night, nights of fizzy and bubbly doing things that no one knew or thought we would ever do, nights of candle light and music listening to our heart strings, nights of cards, of fate, of truth or dare.. Nights of daring to be anything or doing anything we ever dreamt of.. yup, those were the nights..
So, here’s a toast to all those who were with me on those nights.. Those nights when we felt so alive, here’s to the laughs and the tears, the screams, the inevitable laughter and tears.. Here’s to the dreams that we built..
Here’s to goodbye to those yesterdays for tomorrows going to come all too soon and heck there will be more nights.. aight, there will be more nights..
Inspired by the song “Here’s to the night” by Eve 6.
Friday, June 25, 2004
I have Cut myself..
i have cut myself.. and my wings have been broken and torn from me
and so i have no choice but to fall back to the ground from my crushed dreams
and i will get sucked and pulled underground where i seem to belong..
yes i need somebody to save me, to let someone take me with their hands and rescue me from this misery that pulls me deeper and deeper till i can no longer see the surface..
even the waves are pulling me under, invisible riptides that pull me deeper and deeper and i would give anything.. anything for someone to come and rescue me.. to just give me a hand and pull me out from this chasm of emptiness and lonliness..
i have cut myself and the pain is ebbing away day by day as numbness and lonliness have become one with me.. so i guess this sums up the story, emptiness, lonliness, a painful deception and an empty shell, yeah thats me.
p.s: hey you, are you glad to know that i have cut myself? just to let you know, the blood is thick and drips ever so slowly from the blade..
and so i have no choice but to fall back to the ground from my crushed dreams
and i will get sucked and pulled underground where i seem to belong..
yes i need somebody to save me, to let someone take me with their hands and rescue me from this misery that pulls me deeper and deeper till i can no longer see the surface..
even the waves are pulling me under, invisible riptides that pull me deeper and deeper and i would give anything.. anything for someone to come and rescue me.. to just give me a hand and pull me out from this chasm of emptiness and lonliness..
i have cut myself and the pain is ebbing away day by day as numbness and lonliness have become one with me.. so i guess this sums up the story, emptiness, lonliness, a painful deception and an empty shell, yeah thats me.
p.s: hey you, are you glad to know that i have cut myself? just to let you know, the blood is thick and drips ever so slowly from the blade..
when do you know it began?
Is it when your heart starts beating like a drum in a marching band, like you can't ever get enough air to breathe to pump the blood in your heart, like you are desperately fighting for some air whenever he is around for the mere sight of him will make you feel all light headed and intoxicated?
Or could it be that the more you are with him, the more you can't imagine yourself without him.. every second that passes without him seems like an eternity of waiting, but when you do see him or be with him, you know it was worth the wait?
Perhaps it is when you are busy with your everyday things in life and suddenly unexpectedly he creeps into your mind like a cool breeze and suddenly you can't do anything except think about him and the way he smiled at you last?
And maybe it is when you see him in everything or everyone that you meet.. every little thing reminds you of him.. everything somehow has some sort of lame ass connection to him and you constantly mention him and obsess about him..?
I just wanted to know when it begins..
Or could it be that the more you are with him, the more you can't imagine yourself without him.. every second that passes without him seems like an eternity of waiting, but when you do see him or be with him, you know it was worth the wait?
Perhaps it is when you are busy with your everyday things in life and suddenly unexpectedly he creeps into your mind like a cool breeze and suddenly you can't do anything except think about him and the way he smiled at you last?
And maybe it is when you see him in everything or everyone that you meet.. every little thing reminds you of him.. everything somehow has some sort of lame ass connection to him and you constantly mention him and obsess about him..?
I just wanted to know when it begins..
Thursday, June 24, 2004
when do you know it is over?
when do you know it is over?
is it when he says farewell and packs his bags , shuts the door in your face and leaves you with your mouth gaping after him with the words frozen in your mind, a thousand thoughts and words running through your mind?
or is it when he just stops calling and you pace your room endlessly furiously dialing his number over and over again for the millionth time hoping that perhaps THIS time he will pick up?
could it be that maybe whenever you are together you fight like a cat and dog throwing things at each other and calling each other names so horrible the paint peels of the walls, things that can sorely injure the heart and ears?
just maybe it could be when you hold each other and you feel like you are holding a cardboard cutout - lifeless, and when you say 'i love you' it sounds hollow and forced?
perhaps it is when you feel that there is this space between you both that is so great that it would take a year and a half to cross it and even if you do manage to get to the otherside you would have lost a limb or two?
i just wanted to know when its over..
is it when he says farewell and packs his bags , shuts the door in your face and leaves you with your mouth gaping after him with the words frozen in your mind, a thousand thoughts and words running through your mind?
or is it when he just stops calling and you pace your room endlessly furiously dialing his number over and over again for the millionth time hoping that perhaps THIS time he will pick up?
could it be that maybe whenever you are together you fight like a cat and dog throwing things at each other and calling each other names so horrible the paint peels of the walls, things that can sorely injure the heart and ears?
just maybe it could be when you hold each other and you feel like you are holding a cardboard cutout - lifeless, and when you say 'i love you' it sounds hollow and forced?
perhaps it is when you feel that there is this space between you both that is so great that it would take a year and a half to cross it and even if you do manage to get to the otherside you would have lost a limb or two?
i just wanted to know when its over..
That Silent Smile..
I can only remember bits and pieces of your silent smile
It’s been such a long time since I have seen it
And no matter how I try
I can’t forget
I can’t get those pieces out of my head.
I saw it rarely, your silent smile
And when I did I swear the heavens opened up
And all the Heavenly Angels sung aloud
Their sweet melodies echoed all about.
That silent smile could chase my miseries away
Wipe the tears that went astray
Cheer me up on days that were lonely and gray
It was your smile that made me stay.
Silent smiles of yours I clearly remember
I saw it last in the month of December
When the snow and tears mingled and fell
The pain inside no one could tell.
I can only remember bits and pieces of your silent smile
A smile that could liven my very soul
To see it again I desperately yearn
That elusive obscure silent smile that in my mind still burns…
It’s been such a long time since I have seen it
And no matter how I try
I can’t forget
I can’t get those pieces out of my head.
I saw it rarely, your silent smile
And when I did I swear the heavens opened up
And all the Heavenly Angels sung aloud
Their sweet melodies echoed all about.
That silent smile could chase my miseries away
Wipe the tears that went astray
Cheer me up on days that were lonely and gray
It was your smile that made me stay.
Silent smiles of yours I clearly remember
I saw it last in the month of December
When the snow and tears mingled and fell
The pain inside no one could tell.
I can only remember bits and pieces of your silent smile
A smile that could liven my very soul
To see it again I desperately yearn
That elusive obscure silent smile that in my mind still burns…
Monday, June 21, 2004
+ Update +
If you notice it has been some time since I last wrote anything in this little piece of my Heaven, not that there hasn’t been anything significant to write about, or that I have run out of inspiration and etc. but merely because I haven’t had the time to write. Even if I did find the time to do just that, it would be hurried and my thoughts do require a long time to be sorted through and penned (in this case, typed) out. So here I am, after many days clicking away on this strange laptop which Possum so kindly lent to me because SIGH, my computer has once again failed me. A few days ago, it just decided to act all funny and not start. So here I am computer less and what makes me sad is the fact that I do not have all my writings saved on some nice disk. It is in the freaking computer and I am not sure if it is still in there. It breaks my heart to know that all the things that I have written about could be wiped out or has already been wiped out. Double SIGH.. SIGH!SIGH!
I recently had to make a choice to join this youth leadership training programme and I didn’t know if I should take up that role or not. I prayed about it some (Yes, I do pray!) and I guess I am not ready to take up that role. It was difficult writing an email to my leaders and telling them that I am not ready to take it up but they said that it was a very brave thing to do and that they respected me for being so truthful. I learnt then, that sometimes you should just say NO, and admit that you cannot, not because you are afraid to try, but just because your time has not come and there would be no point in forcing yourself to do things that you just knew you couldn’t do then.
During this short time of non-writing, I also learnt how to be a little more humble. How to admit that you were wrong and give in and say that you were ‘sorry’. I nearly lost a really good friend a couple of days ago and I guess it was mostly my fault.. Thankfully the whole squabble and silent war was over and things are back to normal if not better. Things with my family are going great and my friends, well one good friend of mine has left for greener pastures in UK (if you are reading this – good luck over there Spongy, can’t wait till you get back. If I remember correctly you owe me pasta at Williams. I also will be missing you and even though we have drifted a little, I will still remember those good old days) and well the other friends have their own things going on. Some have already got jobs and waiting to begin and others have exams coming up. I too have my mid terms this week and am rather worried since I haven’t been studying. Shites! Wish me luck.
I do not have the time to write a lot and this is so very commentary (as a friend of mine would put it) and well it is just to tell you lot who so faithfully read this, that I am alright and that I have not fallen into some hole or gotten lost on the way home. So yeahs, this is me just saying hello again and hoping for a few things.
1.) my writings on the computer will be saved
2.) that I will get good grades for all my exams
3.) that all my friends near and far are okay and are well
4.) that everyone who needs hope or a sign, get them
5.) that those whose heart is empty and lonely, get filled with happiness and joy
6.) oh yes, lots of love for everyone out there *hugs hugs*
so, until the next time I write, which would be soon hopefully, take care and God bless all of you.
I recently had to make a choice to join this youth leadership training programme and I didn’t know if I should take up that role or not. I prayed about it some (Yes, I do pray!) and I guess I am not ready to take up that role. It was difficult writing an email to my leaders and telling them that I am not ready to take it up but they said that it was a very brave thing to do and that they respected me for being so truthful. I learnt then, that sometimes you should just say NO, and admit that you cannot, not because you are afraid to try, but just because your time has not come and there would be no point in forcing yourself to do things that you just knew you couldn’t do then.
During this short time of non-writing, I also learnt how to be a little more humble. How to admit that you were wrong and give in and say that you were ‘sorry’. I nearly lost a really good friend a couple of days ago and I guess it was mostly my fault.. Thankfully the whole squabble and silent war was over and things are back to normal if not better. Things with my family are going great and my friends, well one good friend of mine has left for greener pastures in UK (if you are reading this – good luck over there Spongy, can’t wait till you get back. If I remember correctly you owe me pasta at Williams. I also will be missing you and even though we have drifted a little, I will still remember those good old days) and well the other friends have their own things going on. Some have already got jobs and waiting to begin and others have exams coming up. I too have my mid terms this week and am rather worried since I haven’t been studying. Shites! Wish me luck.
I do not have the time to write a lot and this is so very commentary (as a friend of mine would put it) and well it is just to tell you lot who so faithfully read this, that I am alright and that I have not fallen into some hole or gotten lost on the way home. So yeahs, this is me just saying hello again and hoping for a few things.
1.) my writings on the computer will be saved
2.) that I will get good grades for all my exams
3.) that all my friends near and far are okay and are well
4.) that everyone who needs hope or a sign, get them
5.) that those whose heart is empty and lonely, get filled with happiness and joy
6.) oh yes, lots of love for everyone out there *hugs hugs*
so, until the next time I write, which would be soon hopefully, take care and God bless all of you.
Thursday, June 10, 2004
..Sacrifices, Flies and Foreigners..
It has been some time since I wrote. I guess it is because I am bogged down with assignments and work from college. Done with a few assignments, so I can relax and breathe, for awhile at least. Time seems to be passing by so quickly.. Almost everyday I have classes where Possum sends me and picks me up and then I basically spend the day with Possum or I go home and do whatever work I have to do and then I see him. *grin* (The arrangement we have works really well) Its strange how we never get bored of each other. We seem to know more about each other and the time we spend together is never enough.. Strange!!!
Today was my first day at work for ‘Flies and Foreigners’. Didn’t get to see the whole play, but I will probably get to catch it tomorrow or some other day. Work was boring, but it was nice having dinner with all the cast and crew on stage. For now I think that’s the closet I will get to the stage.. hehehe.. Will be having my poetry reading thingy at the end of July so that is something to look forward too. I get nervous when I think about it, but then I think it is a good platform to start reading and taking my writing seriously. I have sent some work out to people and so far the comments have been encouraging. My lecturer has set aside some time for me so that he can talk to me about my poetry. How nice. There is also a public speaking contest in college, which I might be taking part in. the prize money is RM500. Sure could use the mullah!!!
I was just thinking today as Possum drove me home about the numerous sacrifices people make for me. My parents for giving up their own dreams to send me to college and to provide for my family. Possum for giving up his sleep and his time so that he can send me to and from college and work and his dedication towards my well being. My friends who sometimes do things for me because they know how much it means to me even though it is the last thing that they want to do. I nearly cried when Possum said that he it didn’t matter that he had to send me or pick me up anywhere I went.. he just felt better knowing that I was with him or that I was home safe and sound, that I was okay. Possum is like so super sweet.. never thought he would be like this, but I can’t say that I am not happy. I am super happy.. (smiles smiles smiles)
Today was my first day at work for ‘Flies and Foreigners’. Didn’t get to see the whole play, but I will probably get to catch it tomorrow or some other day. Work was boring, but it was nice having dinner with all the cast and crew on stage. For now I think that’s the closet I will get to the stage.. hehehe.. Will be having my poetry reading thingy at the end of July so that is something to look forward too. I get nervous when I think about it, but then I think it is a good platform to start reading and taking my writing seriously. I have sent some work out to people and so far the comments have been encouraging. My lecturer has set aside some time for me so that he can talk to me about my poetry. How nice. There is also a public speaking contest in college, which I might be taking part in. the prize money is RM500. Sure could use the mullah!!!
I was just thinking today as Possum drove me home about the numerous sacrifices people make for me. My parents for giving up their own dreams to send me to college and to provide for my family. Possum for giving up his sleep and his time so that he can send me to and from college and work and his dedication towards my well being. My friends who sometimes do things for me because they know how much it means to me even though it is the last thing that they want to do. I nearly cried when Possum said that he it didn’t matter that he had to send me or pick me up anywhere I went.. he just felt better knowing that I was with him or that I was home safe and sound, that I was okay. Possum is like so super sweet.. never thought he would be like this, but I can’t say that I am not happy. I am super happy.. (smiles smiles smiles)
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