I Am Getting There...

These couple of days have seen a change towards the better for me. I still find it hard to get out of bed sometimes... but its getting easier lately. Watched 'Prozac Nation' (good that saves me some $$$ as I dont need to buy the book now!) and I thought it was pretty good, though my brother and mum kept on commenting that the people were all crazy.

I don't think that they were crazy. Rather, I can some how relate to Lizzie. NO! I don't come from a broken home, nor am I crazy and No, I am not in Harvard! Yet there are certain things that she says and does and some of the things that go through her mind remind me of myself. That scares me and yet consoles me at the same time. Yet in the end through it all and of course with the help of anti-depressants (No. I have declined them!), she makes it alright in the end.

Then there was this discussion was last week (not sure if I talked about it already!) that I and the malats were discussing what animals we should be. Needless to say I got all the rotten animals (eg. Hen, Cow, Pig) and the justifications that they gave were just ... odd to put it politely (then again they are just boys talking and I shall not take any notice of them!) Anyways, back to the animal I would be... I am not sure really though at the moment I think that I am half a butterfly. Why? Because I am still growing...(and its not just sideways thank you very much!). I am in that coccoon stage which would make me a catterpillar really. Some of my friends insist that I am a butterfly (bless them!), but I know that I have yet to reach that wonderful stage where I am ready to be called a butterfly. I will let you know when I reach that moment.

Also just finished reading Tony Parsons "Man and Boy" and its scary. Not that it gives me nightmares and the like, but its so REAL. I can imagine my life to be like Gina's and I can see my life like Cyd which is really not what I want. But then again I have come to realize that nothing is predictable and that "forever" is just another word, same goes for "I promise" and "I love you". The book made me look at myself and wonder if I love being in love or if I really loved the person who I am with today.

I guess growing up is never an easy thing. As a friend of mine once said... "One of the rules of walking and being in the alps is too never stop moving. You have to constantly move or the cold will kill you. Life is like that. You can't keep still for a moment because you will die." I think he is right. We have to keep on going eventhough at times it seems that we aren't sure where we are headed. For me, I allow myself a good few breathers to get my bearings and then I am off again. Perhaps this phase I am going through is just a breather... a rather long one... but a breather nonetheless. All these thoughts and this void in me will perhaps take some time to heal or maybe it might be filled tomorrow... I don't know... What I do know is, I am getting better and am finding "me" again. *cheers*

Soon You'll Come Home...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

All I have is a picture in my mind

How it would be

If we were together.

Lets pretend that you are far away

Lets say you'll write to me

And you'd promise in your letter

That you'd come home

Come home to my heart.

When you come home

We'll never be apart

If I keep dreaming of you

Start believeing its true

Soon you'll come home

Soon you'll come home

Soon you'll come home to my heart

If I believe...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Alone With A Void In Me

These couple of days have flown by really quickly. So many things that have happened. Some things that have hurt, made me laugh, made me cry and made me smile and sigh with relief and yet somethings that I have learnt about myself.

A friend of mine came back for a short holiday from Singapore last Friday and yesterday was her last day here before going back. So we went out and I have to say, I had a fun time. I also have to say that I missed her friendship and I realize just how much I need my girlfriends. This particular friend of mine, well we had a falling out a couple of years back and when we talked last night it was as if the empty years didn't really matter. We had fun laughing and talking about things. It was one of those nights that I allowed myself to be irresponsible and have fun. I drank a hell load of shooters and managed to wheedle about 5 more for free. Then there was the delicious Long Island Tea and later at Rush there was more free drinks thanks to Mr Bar Man and other friends. My friends were surprised at my negotiation skills and how I managed to score so many drinks. Ha... hidden talents... =)

I didn't have a bad hangover today though I had the sick taste of tequilla in my mouth still - arghh!!! Had a long talk with one of my boyfriends till early in the morning and really wanted to go for breakfast with him but was honestly just too tired to even go to get more water. Later during the day though I realized that I had a problem. I realized that since the beginning of this year I had this emptiness in me. An emptiness which I cannot explain. Doesn't help that I have become more cynical and realistic lately, which sometimes sucks because usually when I viewed life through my 'rose coloured' glasses, I was happier and less "empty" so to say

So there I was contemplating this emptiness in me and for no reason I felt so upset about everything in my life that had gone wrong, and oh man there were a lot of things. So as I sat in my room thinking, I realized that I had to get mny life back on track. Perhaps I can never be truly the person who I was before, but I just needed half of that happniess and carefree joy that I used to have. I hate this whole Scroogey wierd empty feeling I have in me. Its like no matter what I do sometimes, the emptiness and the void never gets filled up. I will try from today, to find that old me... because I doubt I can live like this anymore.

Awhile Back 2

Awhile back I remember going to work for Publicis Dialog in Menara Choy Fook On. I used to go to work with my parents. Firstly we would drop mum of at D'sara Jaya and then dad and I would go to Tmn Bahagia station. There we would take the LRT together... I would stop at Tmn Jaya and he would stop further along. At the Tmn Jaya station, I had 3 options of getting to work...
1.) I could take the feeder bus
2.) I could walk all the way
3.) I could walk half way and then take the bus when I see it
During the times when I would walk, I would buy a packet of nasi lemak from the Nasi Lemak man and bring it to work... where I would sit in my corner and eat whilst checking my mail and playing games waiting for the day to begin at work. In the afternoon on my half days, I would see the Nasi Lemak man at the bas stop and he would smile in recognition. The bus 53 would come along before the feeder bus usually and the Nasi Lemak man would get on it with all his barang, lugging it up the then Intrakota now Rapid KL bus. It would take 2 trips to get all his things on the bus. Poor child...
Its been awhile since I went to that area. I went there again today and saw the same Nasi Lemak man with all his barang, and there was that same smile though I think it was tinged with sadness and laced with a sort of tiredness. Bus 53 came along and he lugged his things on board and off he went with the bus. I miss the nasi lemak, the morning walks to work and then I felt sorry for the Nasi Lemak man with all his barang barang... he looked so tired and weary.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Awhile back I remember how I wished with all my heart that I would grow up faster because the grownups then seemed to have so much fun. They could go out and do nice things and they could buy whatever they wanted, my little brain said. And I used to waste my wishes (sometimes I still was them - buggers) and wish that I was grown up.

Wasted Wasted wishes... all of them.

Awhile back I remember having so many toys that I didn't know what to do with them. My grandmother bought me miniature versions of cookery sets and I had fun pretending to cook wishing that I could grow up faster so that I could cook yummy food for people to eat (of course now that I am grownup I realize that I don't like cooking and that pretend cooking is so much more fun). Then there were my dolls, the Barbies, the play house and bears and soft fluffy toys... a Heaven of toys. I had almost everything that I wanted though I never really asked for many things. My ama and also my other grandparents spoilt me and so did my parents though I have to say my brother got spoilt more. I was happy with what I had... my toys and my books. I had many many fairy tale books... and I would pretend and wish that I was old enough for that one prince to come and save me from the castle tower, the deep sleep or whatever harrowing problem I was in at that time.

Wasted Wasted wishes... all of them.

Awhile back I wasted all my wishes on things that could never come true. I savour now dreams and memories I have when I was a child. How I wish things were simple again.

~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~ # ~

AnneMarie my fav character from "All Dogs Go To Heaven"
(Wolf, if you read this... do I still remind you of Anne Marie?)

Ahile back, I was happier. I used to have that happiness that radiated from within and not something that was forced or fake. It was the real thing. The sort of happiness that makes you feel as light a balloon and that you can fly with wonderful irridescent wings. I used to enjoy and notice the "simple happiness" that people take for granted like having the bus come on time, the wind blowing on a humid day, a smile from a stranger... I forgot them all and I am old and cynical and mean now. Sure there is still that happiness but awhile back, I was happier and I smiled and laughed and loved more. I miss being truly happy...
~~~>>> ~~~>>> ~~~>>> ~~~>>> ~~~>>> ~~~>>> ~~~>>> ~~~>>> ~~~
Afew more quizzes;

What age will you die?
You Will Die at Age 64
64 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well.
How rude... I am not average. I am a wonderful person... Good... die late... can see my grandchildren... HAh!


What age do you act?
You Are 23 Years Old
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
GREAT... I m 23... just the age that I am... doesn't that make me normal. Gawd... I thought I would be like age 6 or something *phew*


What is your true birth month?
February
Yahoo!!! I knew I was a February person... Hoorah!!!

Awhile Back...

Awhile back when I was 16 when I remember the bread man coming around my place about 4.30pm. He would toot his horn a couple of times and I would run outside to collect the bread which would be lying sometimes near the potted plants, or somewhere near the shoes. This was because the roti (bread) man had a bad aim. There were times when I was early and would be waiting for him... those were the days when I didn't have lunch and waited eagerly for my 30 cents Bun Kelapa (coconut bun). I remember the wierd smell it had... wierd but nice. I would usually buy 5 buns. 3 for my lunch and tea and one for my brother and one for me to bring to shcool the next day.

The roti man is different now. He comes at 6pm and he we don't need his bread anymore. We buy it from the supermarket or 7-11. Those were the days when we needed a loaf of bread everyday. We always packed lunches and has bread breakfasts. I tired the bun kelapa a while back and it didn't taste the same either and was no longer 30 cents. *sigh*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Awhile back I remmeber how I would sit outside my balcony and blow bubbles in the air with the radio blasting out aloud. The neighbourhood children would beg me to blow more and they would run all over the place to catch the bubbles. I had with me also, the automatic bubble gun which did save me alot of time blowing them bubbles. I loved to watch the bubbles floating aimlessly sometimes. Then there were the bubbles that somehow seemed to know where they were headed too. I loved those bubbles that flew up high... they were like little adventure bubbles.

The children don't run on our street anymore. They have grown up and sit infront of the telly watching the SImpsons or whatever is on at that time. The automatic bubble gun has broken into 3 pieces and I don't feel like opening the balcony to sit there staring on the street, blowing bubbles aimlessly with the music blaring behind me. Sometimes I do get that urge but there is hardly any time... besides the neighbours would think I was crazy (Big SUrprise that would be!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Awhile back I was still in secondary school with my green uniform which used to get unnessary stares from idiotic males. It was the times when Eastpaks and BodayPacks were a must and when everyone had huge arse pencil boxes with heaps of things inside. It was the time when movie star posters were the rage among must girls and it was the time I was introduced to the 'catalogue'. The 'catalogue' was WOW for me at that time. They had all kinds of rubbish. You could buy stickers, bookmarks, lettersets and a whole lot of other crap. I remember pouring over the catalogues and begging my mum to give me money for the stuff.

Now the catalogue is non-existant in our circle anymore and the movie posters I used to love is used for wrapping unwanted bits and pieces... *hehehe* Of course I still keep most of Leo's and Matthew's pics but the rest have gone or are going slowly. I don't need to ask my mum for much money these days though I still collect stickers and I still have my super huge pencil box and my Eastpak.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These random thoughts just passed me suddenly about these things that hapened awhile ago, so I thought I should write it down... Just in case one day I forget about it all...

A Dreaming Soul...

I decided to amuse myself when I woke up and took some random quizzes and things online. Here are the results...
~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~*~~~~

What sort of Soul are you?
You Are a Dreaming Soul (What a big surprise!)
Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world. (So so true) So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time. (Yeah SO true) You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... (Envy of all I don't think so... but I have great dreams!) But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult. (Yeah I suppose...) You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. (Not sure about this) Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. (Very much so)Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. (Some have seen it)Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. (Yup thats me always hopeful!) Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul.


How Normal Are You Test...
You Are 55% Normal(Somewhat Normal)
While some of your behavior is quite normal... (Hoorah!!! Not that wierd!)
Other things you do are downright strange (I think theres a lot of things)
You've got a little of your freak going on (I think its a lot of freak)
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself (Debatable!)


What sort of gangster are you?
Reluctant Thug (I suppose so..!)


How Liberal and Conservative are you???
(Dont' really give 2 shites about politics at the moment though!)
Your Political Profile
Overall: 35% Conservative, 65% Liberal
Social Issues: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal
Personal Responsibility: 75% Conservative, 25% Liberal
Fiscal Issues: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Ethics: 0% Conservative, 100% Liberal
Defense and Crime: 50% Conservative, 50% Liberal


What You Really Think Of Your Friends??
Nic is your soulmate. (I think we are close but NOT soulmate close!)
You truly love Eugene. (SO SO true!)
You consider Brian your true friend. (Hmmm...)
You know that Yue Neng is always thinking of you. (I doubt he is!)
You'll remember Gerard for the rest of your life. (Yeah I will)
You secretly think Mic is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.
(Not that true at all)
You secretly think that Catherine is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker. (What? Maybe, colourful and a risk taker but I dont' think she is implusive!)
You secretly think that Yi Hwa is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Yi Hwa changes lovers faster than underwear.
(She is loyal and trustworthy but she does SO not change her lovers faster than her underwear!!!)
You secretly think Tania is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Tania has a hidden internet romance.
(She is definately NOT shy... and about internet romances - I highly doubt so!)

Which American Cities best fit you?
American Cities That Best Fit You:
50% Denver
50% Miami
50% New York City
50% San Francisco
50% Seattle

The Weekend Is Over

The start of the weekend: My daddy is sick - poor child - though he is recovering fast. Its like everyone else can be sick except the people that I LOVE... I just feel super protective of them. My daddy has been watching telly for the past like 4 hours and eating my dark chocolate star wars M&Ms now... they are yummy... hehehee... =) I got a pleasant surprise just... am going to Genting in 3 hours... Hoorah!!!

~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~...~
The weekend has just passed us by... *shudder* Why does everything pass us by so quickly and when we want things to move slowly, it doesnt?Buggers!!!

Amber Court and Other Tales...
The Possum and I and his folks and relatives went to Genting over the weekend. It was... interesting and fun if you minus out the fact of stomach aches and gastric pains on my side and everyone else having 'cirit-birit' spells. There was one incident where I was in desperate need for a toilet and it was full and I was screaming for the Possum to get out. I nearly fainted in the loo toos... gawd... it was F'in pain. *sighs* But I am better now though.

The place where we stayed was just freaky and right out of a horror story. The fog was super thick that vision was about 10% in front of you and the road to Amber Court was very odd. The paths were winding and just narrow (I pretended that I was in Scotland - so much fog). The fog was so thick we couldn't really see on either side of us and in front of us. Anyways, we reached the place and was happy to be there in one piece. The whole building was like abandonned and there were hardly any cars. We stayed on the highest floor, the 23rd one and NO we did not have any encoutners of any sort. Wacthed a couple of movies and played ZUMA (Possums mum brought the laptop, bless her) and read alittle.

I did however see some purple drops of I dont' know what outside the aparments, in the toilet, in the foyer and the lifts a few hours before we left. Enquired about it and everyone was curious but didn't have any explanations for it. *shudder*

Went to the casino and managed to doubled my money in 40 minutes but for once in my life I didn't feel like gambling, so I left and had hot coffee with Possum in 'The Bakery' one of my fav bakeries. Then it was back home after dinner at Janda Baik. Sleep came early for me as I didn't get a good nights sleep the night before and thus my weekend ended... *sniff sniff* Its back to work work work...

May The Force Be With You...

WARNING: DON'T READ ON IF YOU WANT TO SEE

STAR WARS EPISODE III: REVENGE OF THE SITH

(contains snippets of what will happen in the show!)

My boss called me earlier this morning and said that he had scored passes for us to go see a private screening of Star Wars Epidode III: Revenge of The Sith. I have to admit that I am not a big fan of Star Wars but since I had nothing much to do in the morning and it was supposedly 'the most anticipated movie of the year' and since my whole office has gone Star Wars mad... might as well go. So I went to midvalley and was happy to note that the wonderful ppl provided us with popcorn and drinks during the movie. The shite part was the air con which was not really on high enough.

So the movie started... and then it ended. What do I think about it? Well, I loved it. I really did. I think it is one of the best movies I have seen this year. So much fighting and gore and blasting of ships - Hoorah! (Gawd I sound a tad bit sadistic, huh?) There were a few chessy scenes which could have been removed like the part where Padme goes "Hold me anni... like you did before...!" Being a lover of romance and all things sappy, I somehow think that this wonderful display of lurvvveee should have been eliminated! YES you heard me right!!! and the whole part where Anakin and Obi Wan exchange "may the force be with you" jibes are just super cheesy.

Besides these minor "cheesiness", it was awesome. I loved the monitor lizard creature that Obi Wan rode. It was cute and made cute sounds too... I wonder what it feels like to ride one of those things. And some of the aliens were just UGLY!!! Yucks... I love Yoda still cos he is like super cute and though he looks a tad old, I think there is just something about him (sounds like I am descirbing a crush!) I wanted to kill Anakin though the arsehole - he went to the dark side "for love" apparently... BULLSHITE!!! He just wanted more power, that arse. Gawd I hate him!!! Destroying everything and kiling all the childings. Ish Ish... he is evil!!! Obi Wan was just wonderful throughout the movie and you know what... I learnt something form the movie... really I did. You might think me alittle ditzy and all but really this whole movie is about revenge, power and about being influenced.

I think that everyone has choices and we can control the thigns that we do or don't do - the battle within us can be fought and won by us if we are strong enough. Who they want to listen to, how they want to act, what they want to do and etc. Ultimately, everything that happens is our fault and will eventually make us or break us. We also should be aware of the people that are around us. Are they the ones that are making us walk down the wrong path? Are they telling us to do things which are wrong? Are they just feeding our egos to get what they want in the end? Are we too blind to see that? Or are they people who build us up, who teach us right from wrong and know what's best for us? Are they people who have good values and who through their good examples we will be influenced to do good as well? Choices...

I was dissappointed in Padme, though I think at times in my life I can relate to her. She was in love with dear Anakin and had his kids. She only thought the best of him and worried about him when he went on his missions always there to greet him when he got home. Yet when the truth was revealed and she came face to face with the evil Anakin and she just couldn't face the facts and see what he had become and accept it. (Trust me I know how it feels like to know that the one you love has a few shitty things under his sleeve!) She gave birth to the twins and though there was nothing wrong with her, just decided to give up and die. But it was so selfish of her, leaving the twins alone. (this is just my miserable opinion!) She could have learnt from this lesson and become stronger through this whole ordeal and she could have learnt how to fight and gone to kill the arsehole Darth Vader a.k.a Evil Anakin.

Gawd... I also nearly cried when they started killing all the Jedi masters. It was just sad and emotional. The soundtrack was excellant and it actually gave the breath to the movie. John Williams is a genuis I say! Anyways, I will be watching it again with the Possum who is still pissed that I watched it without him and so early too... "Hehehehe". Anyways I cant wait to get the whole collection so I can have a movie marathon thingy. GAWD... such a nerd!!! hehehe... =)