`Virtual Insanity`

`Virtual Insanity`

Hyper Bowling – Gawd!!! So so damn addictive. After 23 games of virtual bowling with Eugene, I have come to realize that I not only love this game, I am quite good at it. What a way to spend the last day of my holidays.. playing game after game of virtual bowling. To make things more interesting, the loser had to be the ‘slave’ of the winner for a day.. and guess who won?!? ME.. whoppie!!! Hmmm.. still thinking of things that I want him to do for me.. any suggestions? *Grin* and to add more ‘life’ to the game, we actually went to taupau food like goring pisang, nasi lemak, those malay pancake thingys, vanilla coke and normal coke and apple pie. Gawd! I had so much fun. It was actually like damn tension at one time.. the 2nd game will be soon. Hoping that I woop this bum again this time, hehe!

I do declare though that these virtual games have become such an addiction for me. Ok ok.. so I don’t like those main stream games like CS or Diablo or whatever. I like arcade games. Silly games from yahoo. Yes yes!!! Sad little me, but I do like them and I play them happily whenever I can. I can see you all shaking your heads and wondering why why why??? Hehehe.. oh well I hope that this is just a phase, my whole obsession with the arcade games.

Yeahs insanity, craziness, madness, and lunacy.. Guess what I am actually wearing my Shrek ears as I type this down. My family thinks I am a bit sick in the head, but I think I am just happy that’s all. So if anyone has the urge to have them Shrek ears, you can call me and I will loan them to you for a day or two. *Grin* gawd I thinks I should go to bed now.. Tomorrows gonna be another long day in the real world.. but I will be ready for it!!!

* Smiles and more smiles to everyone, May you have a wonderful day today and tomorrow and the tomorrows to come... aight? See you alls soonest..

The Only Way

~ The Only Way ~
Silent suppressed screams echo endlessly
As feelings resurface for an old forgotten flame
Another mocking conclusion to a childish game.
Bitterness weaves gently into my soul
Choking me and hurting me with a nameless pain of old…
A deep burn flares rapidly within my core
And an ancient emotion so primal and cold trembles and roars
A hunger that becomes ever stronger, ever so bold
Overtakes my happiness and hopes that used to soar…
The hunger grips me and I take the glittering blade
Drawing intricate lines that will drip out the beast in my soul
The dazzling gashes on my wrist reveal nothing to the eye
Only an empty redemption that my frayed heart envelops and claims with a long weary sigh..
Forgetting the blade which glistens in the light
I unfasten windows of darkness and I descend into the night
For this is the only way of erasing truths so blatant and real
There are no more ways to piece the fragments of my being or to ever heal
This is the only way to escape the nothingness and anguish that I still feel..

Between Darkness and Wonder

Between Darkness and Wonder
*Dedicated to the Angel from my nightmare* (wink wink)

Between darkness and wonder
There is where I met you
A surprise I must say
A pleasant ending to a horrible day.
Out of the dark and into the light
You emerged like a shinning knight.
An invisible stranger back from my past
Will this camaraderie last?
I never thought I would see you again
Nor let you try to erase my hurt and pain.
But you wormed your way into my heart
Two halves joined, never to part.
Could this be a mistake?
Another cruel twist of fate?
I cannot contemplate what is to come
I know though that this time I will not run.
So now again between darkness and wonder
I stand unguarded with arms spread out in sweet surrender.

In Pursuit of Happiness...

In pursuit of Happiness

I believe that everyone in life longs to be happy. To feel that sort of happiness that bubbles from the very core of your being, not that type of forced happiness that makes you smile a plastic smile so that people around you wouldn’t ask you for the zillionth time ‘What’s wrong?’ Yes, pretending to be happy… that’s what most of us are doing and sometimes we tend to fool ourselves into believing that we really are happy. Trust me on this when I say that pretending to be happy is a full time job and so is showing the world that everything is going on just fine and dandy. (The quote ‘ignorance is bliss’ is very much needed here)

I wasn’t feeling very well the past couple of weeks and as I lay in bed thinking about my life, I wondered if I really was happy. I began with thinking about the possessions I had, the things I had acquired with my hard earned money and I realized that although I was happy that I had them, I wasn’t “truly happy”. I felt that this sort of ‘happiness’ comes from showing the world that YES, you have it, you made it, you succeeded you have all this material stuff to show for… and you know what, it only makes me want more things, things that if I probed deeper into, would realize that I don’t really need or like in the first place – I guess this all has to do with ego and showing the world that ‘you can do it' and that 'you have it'...

Then I started to access the relationships I have with my friends (danger zone), and I realized that there were problems in that department as well. I can recall of hand the countless friends that made me feel angry and upset with the words they said and the actions that they did or perhaps didn’t do and then I realize, ‘Gee, with friends like these, who need enemies?’ It also made me see with clear unpolluted eyes, what a push over I am and it made me see myself in truer colors (it upset me quite alot, really!) I never really spoke up when my own good friends ridiculed me and I never stood up for friends who needed help, just because I wanted to unsure ‘peace’ amongst all parties and I kept my opinions to myself even though I disagreed and a whole host of other 'problems' with myself. Sounds like I am a peacemaker, huh? Perhaps I am, but I hate it! I hate the way that I can’t speak up because it truth, it hurts inside and heck I am by all means not happy in the 'friends department'. I don’t understand why I tolerate it all really… just a note here though, not all my friends are like that. I do have some really wonderful friends who are gems and who are really wonderful people that keep me sane and functioning(grin).

By now you must wonder what I am getting at, what is the point of all these words? Perhaps you think that I am some sort of crazed, mentally imbalanced person (which to a certain extent i think i am), rambling on about life and how unsettling and strange my life is, but I realize that if you don’t take some time to look at your own life and analyze where you are and where you are headed and where you want to go, you never truly get there. You never really settle the issues that you face, you just sweep it under a carpet and hope in time it will fade and be forgotten. Sorry, I have learnt sadly through numerous trials and errors that things don’t work that way. A friend once told me, happiness is not a destination, it is a journey.

And so yet again, I began the arduous task of thinking about my life and about things that I wanted to change and about the things that made me happy. I know that implementing things will be difficult, but change is not an impossible task. I believe that some people have already noticed the change in me and some of them don’t really like it, but I do and that’s what matters the most I think. I reckon I might eventually lose some friends this way, get into some silent wars or crazy outbursts and all that... but when I think about it, if thats whats gonna happen, then..... bring it on!!!

Well, back once more to the issue of happiness, the sort of happiness that bubbles up from the very core of your being, the type of happiness that makes you want to scream and laugh out loud, the kind of happiness that enables you to float on clouds when you walk... well I realize that there is such happiness in my life still. I am not pretending, it really exists… I just happened to forget about them thanks to the world and circumstances around me.

So what makes me happy??? Well, here goes, watching the sunrise, marveling over the colors of the sunset, dancing and prancing around my room to Tchaikovsky’s ‘Waltz of the Flowers’, long walks in the park, watching movies cuddled under warm blankets, reading a good book with chocolate chip cookies, finding good bargains, receiving an unexpected phone call, SMS, or email, having the last seat on the bus, getting snail mail from friends overseas, walking down the beach and feeling the sand underneath my feet, watching old couples hold hands, watching a jet fly across a perfect blue sky leaving a white streak behind it, feeding tortoises in the park, doing my arts and crafts, having surprise breakfasts in bed, realizing that I have extra money in my wallet, candles flickering in the wind, going shopping with my mum, talking to close friends till the sun comes up, massages, watching the stars at night, having the bus arrive on time, smiles from strangers, ice cold drinks and cool breezes on a hot day, invitations for ice cream, having lunch cooked for you, surprise manicures, hugs when you are lonely, watching movies alone, playing virtual bowling all afternoon, walking in the park, flowers in your mailbox... and you know what, if I go on, the list would take forever… and I realize that YES, I am so very blessed to have had so much happiness in my life… and you know what else, I know that there will be more happiness to come very soon. And as for the rest of you all reading this or glancing through, may you have as much happiness if not more happiness in your life as well...

Beautiful Solitude

Beautiful Solitude

The clouds, they moved silently across the sky,
Shapes and patterns, incomprehensible to the naked eye.
Seconds on the clock ticked by ever so slow
The sun rose and then it set
And the beautiful round moon began to glow.
The soft gentle wind, blew all around
Whispering secrets to the trees
Scattering leaves on the ground.
She walked by then holding a rose in her hand
Inside a broken heart, a frayed spirit no soul could ever mend.
The tombstones engraved with memories of another time glowed hauntingly bright,
Illuminated by the stark brilliance of the pale moonlight.
She knelt reverently on the slightly sodden patch of grass
And began to weep silent tears of days and moments gone pass.
The emptiness, the longing, the searching, the yearning
The desire, the ache, the hunger, the craving,
For just another chance to relive the moments,
Just a moment to recapture the fragments of ones being.
There veiled in the shadows of the night
Beautiful solitude..
That is what I saw,
An immaculate broken woman weeping
With an unspeakable misery, so excruciating so raw.
I wanted to reach out and comfort her but I could not
For it was because of me that this pain and sadness she bore…

* A Crave *

*A Crave*

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of having you besides me to hold me as I sleep

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of knowing that you will be there for me
Where ever I am, whatever the deed

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of promises whispered from the heart,
Never to be forgotten, never to part

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of wishes, of dreams
Of stars at night, of a person guiding me into the light

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of having you there to love me, to dance
To laugh, to smile, to weep

A crave is a longing, a feeling, a need
Of emptiness, of tears, of heartache, of pain
Knowing that when you leave nothing will ever be the same

* Fleeting Moments *

* Fleeting Moments *

I believe that life is made out of many moments, moments of pure happiness and bliss, moments of joy and bubbly laughter and moments that fill your heart with such indescribable warmth. Then there are moments that make you sad, that make you want to weep; moments that hurt that tears your heart into ribbons it seems that at that very moment you can never be sewn back together again. Who can forget those moments that make you want to scream and shout and just reach out and rip something apart, or those moments that make you feel at peace with yourself and all those around you, those moments of immense serenity and solitude.

Of course there are also those moments of fear that make you want to wet your pants, moments of nervousness that make the butterflies fly uncontrollably in the pit of your belly and your heart thump like a marching band drum, or those moments of regret when you close your eyes and wish with all your might that things would change and your could turn back time. All these moments happen in our lives, but the sad part of it all is that, these moments are fleeting moments… moments that pass us all by.

So by writing in this new journal of mine, which I am letting the whole world read (God knows why I am actually doing this?) I am hoping to capture at least some of these moments of mine and by writing it all down, I want to share them with you.. For a joy shared is doubled and a sorrow shared is halved. So, I hope that all of you will have a wonderful time reading my journal which at times will be so utterly boring you would just skip parts of it, so long that you will also skip parts of it, so confusing that you will again skip and those short ones which you think are just nonsense and will skip it too. Oh well, thanks for at least trying to read it and if you have reached this far.. WOW! Thanks.. Please write your thoughts and your comments (constructive comments though) on what I have written.. Be as harsh as you like or be as pleasant as you like. I hope that with my writing, I may touch the lives of one at least one person.. Hopefully it is you! *Smiles*

Back Again To Me

Back Again To Me

Butterflies flittering gracefully against the backdrop of the night,
An endless expanse of stars, so blindingly hauntingly bright.
Candles that burn and flicker in the whispering wind
Kaleidoscopes of moments to ponder on, to reminiscence, to think.

Another time, another place where reality and fantasy merge as one
Grass grows and rivers flow under the blazing fiery sun
Always wandering aimlessly, searching and trying to find
Inside it’s empty and lonely, there is no place to run
Nature has its way with us…memories cannot be undone

Time teaches us lessons that our hearts need to learn
Old moments fade away to nothingness; to relive them again we desperately yearn

Me without you, I scream, I hurt, I cry, I smile, I laugh, I sing
Envisioning a flittering butterfly alone with brilliant, glorious wings