Unknown Zone

I just got home from a the last show of "'I have dreamed'An evening with Sean Ghazi" the show that I was helping out with at the Actors Studio in Bangsar. I went today with my mum, an old friend and the Possum. The performance was wonderful and all of them enjoyed themselves. Wanted my dad to come but he wanted to stay home.. I guess he is a very homely man and on somedays I am like him as well longing to stay in the confines of my home sweet home, particularly my little room a.k.a the piggy house... =) (yes yes I will clean it up...... eventually!)

Well you must be wondering why I am writing twice in a day and what an odd title I have put today..

But I figure that this is the most appropriate title for now for I do not know where I am right now in matters of the heart.. 'Unknown Zone'. Much like the last time when I was lamenting about a broken heart and being lied to an etc. Well the same thing has happened all over again... *sigh sigh sigh* I don't know what made me think that I would be okay that things will not be repeated over and over again? What made me think that I was strong enough and capable enough to withstand this thing that I am battling? What made me think that things would be different this time? What made me think these things.. these thoughts?

So here I sit in the back room where I always am, in this unknown zone wishing fervently that I was stupid and naive and that I did not care about the things that I care about, thinking that if maybe I was 'cooler' and more 'understanding' then maybe I wouldn't be in this crap arse mood and situation and I wouldn't be so 'uptight' and 'anal retentive' and 'sensitive' about certian issues.

BUT the fact is I am like that! Plain and simple me still wishing on rainbows and fountains, looking under leaves and flowers for fairys, hoping to see Angels guiding me (obviously at the moment they are on vacation of something), delighted with any little thing that has the ability to make me smile and a host of other simple little things in life that make me.. me.. plain and simple me.

Unknown zone..

My heart tells me a different story, so does my head. So I am torn as I always am. The words of my lecturer Mr M haunts me.. ".. you know as well as I do that this is an endless circle and that things will happen again and again, right?" Bugger him for saying what I feared out aloud.

Unknown zone..
I think that I will take the bus tomorrow to college. Its going to be a long day tomorrow.. the whole day. I will make the best out of it and I will not let 'things' ruin my day, week, or month. I have been thru worse shit than this and I know that I can cross to the other side perhaps with scars and torn wings and the whole lot of gashes on the heart and the whole load of injures one always gets when they are battling with this sort of problems. But as always, the bunny rabbit with butterfly wings will as always fly again.. not so well.. but fly again she will as she always does.

* The little bunny now not only tired and sore, but with torn wings and a bruised heart thinks back to happier sunnier better days and dabs at her some what misty eyes and pads slowly to her room at the top of the stairs, washes her face, dries her little brown eyes and cuddles into bed with her comforter and sleeps like a popiah and wishes and hopes as she always does that her little dreams, wishes, hopes and prayers will come true and that God will bless and watch over all those whom she loves.. The little bunny closes her eyes and sleeps soundly *

Little Bunny's adventures..

* So it was that the little bunny hopped all over the place till she was tired (who wouldn't be tired battling little bugs that annoyed her and having to hop to and fro?) Thus tired and slightly sore, she lay her little head down to rest and was finally at peace with herself and the world, and so finally she began to write *

It has been some time since I last wrote in my little piece of Heaven. My journal, which lies hidden in my room is covered by a fine layer of dust, beckons to me ever so softly to write in it and fill its pages with wonderful stories and adventures. But I have neither the time nor the mood to write on most nights.

This is how my life has been lately.

College, Work at the cafe, Late dinner, Sleep and the latest one.. Training at new restaurant/College, home to shower, work at Bangasr Actors Studio. (woudln't you get tired too?)

Well, I have stopped work at the old cafe in 1 Utama due to a number of reasons:-
a) low pay
b) night shifts
c) have to mop/sweep
d) have to work on weekends
It was a godsend when this new restuarant asked to me to come work for them. (Just for everyone info - I have been asked by 3 restaurants to work for them =) - I think I am a good watiress) This new restaurant opening soon in 1Utama is paying well and is really nice.. their concepts are just like TGIF. I had to even go for training there to be a hostess. Then another godsend came along. G's told a friend who works at a magazine that I was interested in working so she asked me to send my writings to her. I did and I went for an interview and I GOT THE JOB.

So now I am going to start on an internship at this magazines next months. (Thanks so so so much G and G's friend and Possum for brining me there and listening to the whole 'I think I cannot get it' crap!) At the moment I still don't know what day I am going to start and I have not yet told the restaurant people that I woudlnt' be working for them. I feel guilty for leaving cos they keep saying that they are short of staff and etc.(anyone interested in a part time job in F&B line tells me, k?)

Busy Bunny is also working for a few nights at the Actors Studio, Bangsar for front of house - that will be in a seperate blog when I have the time! So yeah.. between these jobs at the old cafe, training in the new restaurant and work at BSC plus college and the odd things I have to attend to in college - writing for the newsletter, writing for my portfolio and etc. I have absolutely no time to do anything.

Last night was wonderful though, I will be free for a few days and have already started enjoying myself. After work at BSC for the night, went with Possum to Alexis (3rd Saturday in a row) and had fun drinking champagne, wine and coffee - bad mix, both were laughing a little much - and playing cards and talking. When I got home, I read a new book that I had rented and was happily reading till my eyes couldn't stay open. Then this morning was awaken by the Possum who was going to pick me up for brunch with his family and some Japanese friends of Possums dad.. yum yum tim sum at Concorde hotel was yum yum!!! So here I sit.. stuffed and happy and relaxed. No work for a few days. College tomorrow.. Show with my friends tonight at the actors studio =) and then happy happy nights reading again... happy happy joy joy!!!

* So it was that the little bunny finished typing about her little adventures and deicded that a hot cup of tea was in order. She turned on the kettle, got out her little saucer and cup, put in a teabag and picked up her book and swicthed Sammi Cheng off and smiled to herself and thought about her wierd little thoughts about the days ahead*

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent, Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Yeah thats how I feel at the moment on this brightly lit afternoon. The blazing disk in the sky only adds to the blatant Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited feelings in me. I am not sure why I am feeling this way yet again. Thought I was over this phase. I guess NOT! Shitters..

I wonder what happened to me? Wasn't I the little fairy that danced and laughed whenever she wanted? Was I not the childish lighthearted one? Wasn't I the one that loved to smile and to make others smile in return? Who cracked jokes which werenn't funny but made others laugh just cos? Why am I just so restless and Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited now? Is this the process of growing up? Because if this is, that I don't really want to grow up.

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited. I just want to go back into Popiah mode. I feel so overdressed and stupid at the moment. I feel like discarding all my clothes and burning everything I own. Everything that bonds me and has a hold on me, that way I have nothing to live for and can leave as and when I want? yeah.. I think things would be simpler than.

* The Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited DreamWeaver goes to light a match but can't find any. Her lighter has also run out of freakin gas.. *sigh*
"Bugger," she says and goes to her room to mope under the covers..


Shostakovitch - Rieu, Andre - The Second Waltz Plays in the background and DreamWeaver imagines herself during the Renaissance dancing in a ridiculous gown which resembles lacy curtains and heavy drapes with gordy tassles.. She spins round and round and round till her head spins and she is not feeling Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited anymore. She just feels the world spinning and spinning and she feels the tummy churning and churning like milk being turned into cheese. DreamWeaver trips over the revoltingly hideous gown, as she is a clumsy person and curls up in a Popiah and sleeps on the cool marble floor.. she is now a Popiah in a gown.

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent, Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited

Yeah thats how I feel at the moment on this brightly lit afternoon. The blazing disk in the sky only adds to the blatant Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited feelings in me. I am not sure why I am feeling this way yet again. Thought I was over this phase. I guess NOT! Shitters..

I wonder what happened to me? Wasn't I the little fairy that danced and laughed whenever she wanted? Was I not the childish lighthearted one? Wasn't I the one that loved to smile and to make others smile in return? Who cracked jokes which werenn't funny but made others laugh just cos? Why am I just so restless and Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited now? Is this the process of growing up? Because if this is, that I don't really want to grow up.

Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited. I just want to go back into Popiah mode. I feel so overdressed and stupid at the moment. I feel like discarding all my clothes and burning everything I own. Everything that bonds me and has a hold on me, that way I have nothing to live for and can leave as and when I want? yeah.. I think things would be simpler than.

* The Deflated, Disheartened, Disconsolate, Discontent and Dispirited DreamWeaver goes to light a match but can't find any. Her lighter has run out of freakin gas.. sigh...

ESCAPE for DreamWeaver by Calvin Klein

Scene from 'PUBLIC SPEAKING CLASS':
* DreamWeaver (who is always puntual) arrives to class panting and for once is late (The horror! The horror!). She pushes open the door..

DreamWeaver : Hello, Mr K.

Mr K : What time is it?

DreamWeaver : Ahhh.. time. Its about 9.46am I think.. (gives a blur look)

Mr K : What time does class start?

DreamWeaver : Uhhh.. 8.30am?

Mr K : You are late. Why bother coming for class then?

DreamWeaver : 'Cos I love this class and I think you are the best lecturer in the whole world (said with innocent face)

Mr K : (in a stern voice) I am going to fail you. Sit down!

DreamWeaver : Sorrylah. Atleast I came right......

* DreamWeaver proceeds to sit down. Mr K then continues the lecture..

Mr K : Since we have finished chapter 5 we are all set for the mid terms. Any questions?

DreamWeaver : Why we never study chapter 3 and 4?

*There is a sharp nudge from a friend who sits on the left of DreamWeaver.

Mr K : Have you been asleep in class ah? We have done all the chapters.

DreamWeaver : Sure ah?

*Another sharp nudge from friend who confirms what Mr K said..

DreamWeaver : Shites.. no way!! DIelah

* DreamWeaver digs into huge school bag (which looks like a huge back packers bag) and tries to locate public speaking text book but remembers that she can't bring it to class cos it is a photocopied one (she tried to save a few books and photocopied the book). She sighs.. and buries her face in her hands...

DreamWeaver : I hate MONDAYS!!!

Scene from 'WESTERN CIVILIZATION CLASS':
* An hour later after the last class, DreamWeaver is scared cos she didn't study for a World Religion quiz and hopes the lecturer forgets entirely about the freakin quiz. Her other classmates file into the class and she wonders.. 'HMMM.. how come Jim the Fairy is in world religions.'
Then it strikes her.. it is not World Religions today. It is Western Civ..

DreamWeaver : Bugger it! (she mutters to herself)

* Mr M comes into class and asks everyone some questions regarding the last class.

Mr M : So what is the answer woman? (I forgot the question!)

DreamWeaver : Not sure.. (blur look)

Mr M : Well then take out your bloody text book and look it up.

DreamWeaver : Urmm... no text book sir. Mixed up classes.. (sheepish look)

Mr M : Gawd Woman! Where is your head?

DreamWeaver : (says under her breath)On my neck..

Mr M: What did you say?

DreamWeaver : I said I was sorry

* Mr M continues to drone on about Ancient Eygpt whilst DreamWeaver fiddles with pen and doodles on scraps of paper.. Time ticks on.......


That is how my Monday went and every other day that I go to college is something like that as well though more often then not the scoldings are more severe.. *sigh*

An ESCAPE.. that is what I need.

An ESCAPE to some place for awhile. An ESCAPE to rid this boredom that bores down on me making me feel like I am walking and dragging my feet with some kind of yolk on it. Bugger it!

I used to wish for someone to save me but now all I want to do is ESCAPE..

* DreamWeaver just sits staring at the monitor and lists the things that she has to do in her mind

DreamWeaver : Bugger it! (she flicks the power swicth off)

* Thinking my Thoughts *

What is a thought? Have you ever wondered about that?
I was just thinking the other day about me and my thoughts and how I tend to think about things. What things you wonder, well anything really..... Things which have nothing to do with me and things that have everything to do with me.
So I sit and I wonder and ponder about things and I think about all these thoughts drifting thru my mind and I can't really sift them through one by one cos there are too many of them floating in and out of my mind and to sit my bum down and write them all out would take some time. Time which sadly I am lacking of.
I think to myself that maybe I can find time today or tomorrow or the day after that to do the things I want to do. To try and write down all my thoughts and all that I am thinking about.. but the days fly pass me unknowingly and I seem to just sit and stare at the clock face wondering, what day is today and thoughts fly pass me again haunting me and taunting me with their sadden sometimes joyful melody singing... 'another day goes by what have you done that you said you would do?'
And I saddened by the knowledge that I have done nothing I set out to do thinks that maybe I should try harder again tomorrow but in my thoughts I know that in the end it would be just the same old thing all over again... Of course I can change for the better I think, and really start to shedule out the really important things in life... but thats a whole new story and thought all together and I am not sure if I want to venture there just yet. *some what sheepish grin*
So there I go again with my thoughts and my thinking which invariably leads me no where. The one thought that flows thru my mind as I snatch this precious few seconds that I have is that, 'why do I do the things I do knowing the outcome of it all in the end?'
Yeah the thoughts still keep flowing thru my mind and honestly where would I be without this thoughts that comfort me and keep me company when I am alone, or when I am sandwiched in a bus, crammed like sardines in a too small can.. or how about those nights when I am sad and fell all shitty and need some cheering up to do? Yeah those thoughts sure do come in handy I tells you... I just know that I wouldn't be the person I am today wihtout them thought lurking in my mind....
So here I go again.. saying goodbye rather quickly still thinking my thoughts and thinking about those thoughts and the thoughts before that and that thoughts that are to come......

P.S: Dear Angelus, Here is more food for thought than Popiah and Papayas.. *grin*

Popiah

Its raining and I should be asleep like a popiah all rolled up cosily now because I have work later and I know that I will be tired later if I don't sleep.. but why am I here typing when the rain is pouring and my bed is calling? Why? I guess I miss writing.. I haven't the time nor the inspiration. Sigh.. bad combo I swear. Maybe I do have time.. but I have other things to attend to.. double sigh. I tore my apron the other day.. not sure why I am writing that down. Anyways, for those loyal readers of my sadly-empty-lacking pictures-simple blog of mine.. I am still alive (did I hear someone sigh?)and am going to fill this blog like I used to.. I hope.........

A Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to
become a great writer.

When asked to define "great", he said, "I want to write stuff that
the whole world will read, stuff that people will react on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in
pain, desperation and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.



When I read that it made me wonder.. will I ever be a great writer such as he..??? (ON second thought.. nah!!!)

Bits of crap

Please just spare me your crap
I have had enough of that
Take your shite and your silly ass crack
Hide it, throw it, flush it or you will get a bloody smack
If it makes you happy than do what you must
You go ahead and piss me of and burn my fragile trust
I don't want to stab myself anymore
My heart is just torn, broken, ugly and sore
And honestly I think I shall weep no more......

The Spirit of 'Merdeka'

“Merdeka” has come and it has gone and for the first time in my life, I actually felt some sort of patriotic feelings stir inside me, which I have to honestly admit feels pretty strange. The fact that our country has had 47 years of independence never really mattered much to me to be honest, after all I wasn’t born during those ‘olden days’.

I did not know what it was like to live in a country which was ruled by forces other than our own. I did not see what was going on in our country at that time. I did not see the silent tears that fell from many eyes. I did not see the sad faces or the blank looks or horror and shock, nor could I ever imagine the fear permeating every corner. I can not smell the death and destruction that followed nor can I taste the bitterness and sorrow that others must have felt. The only thing I can do is probably to try my best to picture it all, but I think I could never conjure up a clear or good enough scenario in my mind.

I used to hear stories from my grandmother and bits and pieces from my relatives or parents. Not many people wanted to talk about what had happened, and for me I really didn’t mind. It was after all, history for me and I never wanted to look back and reminiscence about all those ‘olden days’; days which I had no part in and didn’t want any part in really… I only wanted to look towards the future at what was to come.

Those days of my childish ignorance have long gone. I see the past as something important for me and I believe all of us as well. ‘Sejarah’ during my school days was one of the most feared subjects; actually it was one of the most boring ones. I could never memorize all the facts and dates and names which sounded so horribly similar. To me history was dead and I wanted no part of it.

I wouldn’t say that I am a great historian now, nor will I say that some brilliant light shone upon me and I picked up the long forgotten ‘Sejarah’ texts and devoured them hungrily. Instead, I realized this great pride and happiness for our country. I now see the wonderful things that our country has done and how we are all living together in harmony, in the spirit of ‘muhibbah’, free from wars and other natural disasters that we see on the television. I see all the good things that our country has to offer and my heart swells with pride.

I would say that it all started a few days before Merdeka when I spoke to a foreigner I was working with. He worked long hours and was given quite crappy pay I have to say. I on the hand worked half the hours he worked, received more pay than he did and complained about it more than he ever would. He told me stories about his country, the poverty, the wars, the unemployment and he commented that I was lucky that I lived in Malaysia. No one had ever said that to me before. I guess in many ways the things that he made so much sense to me and I was honestly shy and embarrassed after that. Why? When was the last time you were thankful you lived in Malaysia? Did you ever say that you were proud of everything that Malaysia has achieved and done? I would have to pause and rack my brains for a good enough answer.

So on the eve of Merdeka, for the first time in my life, I went to celebrate our country’s independence. I went with throngs of people to Ikano Power Centre to join in the celebrations and was there at 11.50pm anxiously waiting for the fireworks to begin. When it came I was awed at the beautiful lights that dazzled the nights sky, even the brilliant full moon was no match for the wonderful display of magic in store for us. People were just staring in awe and delight at the colours and patterns emblazing the velvet night sky. I was transfixed and I thought to myself, how lucky are we to be here to listen to the gigantic booms and seeing this wonderful sight unfold in front of our very eyes. How lucky we were that we were in a safe country and the only booms we heard were not the booming of bombs, but the sound of fireworks.

I said a prayer for our country as the glittering lights faded into nothingness in the night’s sky. I prayed that we would all never taste the bitterness of war ever again and that we would all join hands to work together for a better future. I prayed for wisdom for out leaders, and I prayed for understanding and love amongst all Malaysians. Call me sappy, but as I heard the all familiar chant of “Merdeka! Merdeka! Merdeka!” I felt the pinpricks of tears misting my eyes. I was happy to be in Malaysia and to be called a Malaysian.