She weeps

She unloaded

her heart to you.

She opened old scars

and bled her heart out to you.

And now

you can't even look her in the eye...

She weeps

knowing now

how much she means to you.

DW in the office

~* Quick & Strange Thoughts from DW in the office *~

• Why does time pass so quickly and yet so slowly
• A week is really too long
• According to Yews, I have been slutting too much these past two weeks... I agree, sleeping with work isn't that enjoyable sadly
• Inspiration and answers comes from all sorts of wierd places
• Wanting to stay away from you is hard work
• Dancing in the darkness is dangerous business
• I like your SMS's and calls ~ they make me *grin*
• I saw fireworks and stars in your eyes the other night, now you don't even look at me
• Never put two packets of perencah in Maggi cup noodles
• Wishing that I didn't meet you is not an option
• I need to find a cure for my broken heart disease
• I miss poker
• Beer is addictive
• Satay celup doesn't really taste all that great

Emotional Gangrene

I have Emotional Gangrene and it's spreading like wildfire

+++

That...

I am listening to Riz Ortolani and am wondering what a lovely piece it is… something totally unsuitable for the OST for Cannibal Holocaust. But then again when I think about it a little more, I think its perfect in a sick and twisted way.

I just got home from an emotionally exhausting day and as predicted, I feel a host of conflicting emotions (I am more convinced daily that I am messed up).

One minute I feel happy, like everything is falling into place… and then I think its delusional for me to think that because nothing fits. Then I think that maybe things could work out and then I think that’s rubbish cos it could never work out the way I want it to be. Then I think yes, its out in the open, yes its finally over lets move on and resume the roles we knew best before all this drama happened… and then I think that maybe we should try again as we never really explored anything… its too soon for the end. My mind goes round in circles and my heart berates me for the agony I put it through.

Then I am reminded about how much of a sinner I am and then I remind myself that I am human and have paid my penance (and am still daily paying for my penance) and thus am absolved. Then I think of what I have lost and my heart breaks and shreds itself into little particles and then I think of all that I have and realize that compared to others, I have a lot. Then I think that I am controlled and caged up like a bird, being fed the guilt pill every other waking minute, being reminded of the numerous responsibilities in my life and then I think that perhaps I am being unreasonable and that I should be thankful for what I have instead of being selfish and thinking only of myself.

Then I think of how pure a heart I once had… how it more often than not, thought of the good and happy things in life, how it radiated some kind of positivity and joy. And then I think of how cynical, bitter and angry I am now and I feel melancholic. I feel sad tainted. That everything has lost its rosy hue. I have come to realize that everyone doesn’t really want to be your friend, that not everyone cares, that everything is not going to be “okay” just because someone said it would be, that people more often then not just want to get into your panties before they even know anything about you, that without money life's pretty tough, that just because you want something and pray really hard about it doesn't guarentee that you will recieve it, that sometimes doing the best you can is not good enough, that wanting to kill yourself is never the option though it may be very appealing at that time, that though you want to be part of someone’s life, that someone might just not want you in theirs, that pimples, acne, vomitting and diarrhea suck big time, that people betray you, that sometimes being alone when you need company is a really sucky feeling, that sometimes being around people and and still feel like you are alone sucks the most, that some people can just ruin you and you will never ever be the same again, that people who are close to you still treat you like a door mat, that no matter how much you love someone, they might never love you back the way you want them to, that in anything that you do there will be consequences, that sometimes when you think you know where you are headed is in fact the time when you are pretty much lost, that sometimes people never see the hurt you have inside and when they do they pretend that they don’t see it, that the truth hurts, that pride and ego is dangerous, that sometimes having a time machine would be helpful though things might be worse after it has been tampered with, that the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ is basically placing complete trust in God which is really difficult to do, that having too much of a good thing is bad, that words spoken cannot be taken back, that life is moving too fast, that letting go and forgiveness are two of the most difficult things in life, that it would be good if there was a medical procedure that could selectively erase memories from your brain and emotions from your heart, that goodbyes suck, that death and dying are scary things, that emotional heartahce is worse than any phyical injury, that letting myself be truly free is pretty impossible…

It’s late… and I am really really exhausted with all this venting, revisiting of memory lane and wearing my emotions on my sleeve, though I have to say, I feel much better. I wish you were here though. Your company would be great. Even a hug or a hand to hold would be welcome… but I know better now than to wish for things that I are pretty impossible at this point in time.

Well, after all that negativeness and emotional yabbering, there is hope yet for I know that underneath it all buried away, there is the real JWPM, the one that believes and loves happy endings, fairy tales, prince charming’s, world peace, nevernever land, bubbles, fireworks, fairy folk, dreams that come true, the magic far away tree, rainbows, justice, unicorns, magic, wishing wells and everything hopeful, good, happy, magical and joyful. She is in me somewhere. She is the very wellspring of my being that keeps me moving, hoping, believing and living. I pray fervently that she does not disappear for that would truly be the end of me.

Lord Lyttelton

Love can hope where reason would despair.

- Lord Lyttelton -

Collide

Collide - Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah...

When I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here I've lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind

You finally find You and I collide
You finally find You and I collide
You finally find You and I collide

Answers in Strange Places

A part of me regrets, wishes I could take it all back. A larger part of me hopes and wonders about the endless possibilites and chances... wants so much to let it blossom and grow. But time the horriblly merciless menance torments my heart and soul. I am weary as a thousand daggers stab at me, with the pain squeezing me sometimes blinding me. And I want to revert to days when the pain was halved, shared by two... but I stall. I lament. I stand silent and still, continuing my search for answers in strange places.

Today’s Dose of DW Drama

Today’s dose of DW drama:

• Seeing KT (a new recruit at the bank) in the pantry which made me think of DT which made me think of ATW which made my heartache
• JT’s confession which left me speechless for a good 10 seconds over the phone (a new record)
• Having a bad migraine which led me to tell SL over lunch that I might have a tumor in my brain which led SL to give me her “you are a damn idiot for saying that kind of shit” look which made me relent so I took it back
• Feeling queasy (been that way for 3 days and counting) and rushing to the toilet an hour after lunch to hurl the contents of my lunch / tummy into the dunny
• Puking 6 times with close to 10 minutes of dry retching (thank God my clothes and hair were saved)
• Looking like I got hit by a truck (real fugly) and having of all people GC open the door cos I forgot my ID
• My boss coming out of her office to ask me (quite loudly) if I was pregnant whilst laughing and slapping jovially me on the back like I won a prize which made me want to puke all over my keyboard
• Staring at the monitor for 3 hours trying valiantly to string sentences together (I so can’t write today)
• Realizing that sometimes the fall from the happy fluffy clouds is pretty damn hard on ones ass (Note: Try to avoid happy fluffy clouds unless one has sufficient padding for ones behind!)
• Seeing you and getting the confirmation that this is not some dream I conjured up
• Having an unexpected dream come true *super duper mega grins*
  

Where I am

“Wake up”, He whispered soothingly in my ear.

The sunlight was already streaming into my uncurtained windows.

I was groggy from the lack of sleep and another long night.

I reached for my phone but realised that I did not have it with me.

Yet, I got up though I felt like going back to dreamland

where the impossible can happen, where the happy endings are abundant...

but He called to me again, His voice like quenching water to my parched throat.
So I awoke...

Peeled the comforter away from my skin and stretched.

A new day begins.

The past few weekends have been difficult ones for me as most of you know.

I have been through many interesting situations

and I have managed to hurt a number of people

and I have also been hurt– karma and all that jazz I guess.

The truth that I sought was also presented to me on a gold platter

and this truth coupled with a huge dose of honesty which I recieved

however bitter it was, was good for me and is much appreciated.

A part of me wishes that I could undo it though...

distort the truth or to do the whole pretend game, the one that I excel in,

but there is no point in doing it this time round.

I want to explain about how I feel when people ask me if I am okay.

I want to paint a clearer picture of how things are for me,

to elucidate where I am...

but there are so many emotions running through my veins.

It is difficult to separate them;

they seem to be untwined so very closely.

For those of you who don’t quite understand what I am going through,

or who know just bits and pieces about what has been happening in my life …

try picturing a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis.

It’s a struggle for the butterfly to escape and break free from the chrysalis.

However, sensing hope and freedom just outside of its prison,

the butterfly valiantly squeezes, pushes and strains to break free

and that’s pretty much where I am now.

I once thought I already had my metaphorical butterfly wings

and just needed to learn how to fly.

I was wrong, as I am wrong about so many things in life.

I am in no way able to fly... not right now.

One day though, however long it may take,

I will emerge from my chrysalis

and my wings which will initially be soft and shriveled,

will expand, harden and unfurl in all its magnificent beauty

and only then will I take flight...