Almost a month of being "untogether"...
A month of living seperate lives
of doing things alone
of trying to find myself without him there.
Been sick most of the week.
Some strange flu bug (the damn bug!).
This has made me feel even more upset than usual.
I felt strange... neither here nor there it seems.
The fever making me feel useless...
I saw Sunshine today for awhile.
He came to hand me some things.
I could not meet his eyes...
for my eyes were brimming with tears.
I just miss him. I miss talking to him.
I just miss my best friend.
A friend asked me if he asked would I get back together with him.
I thought about it and I realised that it would be so easy to revert to what I was familliar. After all we know each other inside and out... it would be so simple.
But... it would not last... not now anyways.
We would revert to the old ways and we would have our silences and empty moments all over again. The silences and empty moments that spoilt our relationship.
So, no. I would probably not get back together with him although I miss him so much. Although when I think of him, it still hurts.
Almost a month...Time really flies but hardly dimishes the emptiness.
I would like to say that I am over him.
That I am okay.
But I am working towards that... slowly surely somehow.
I miss his SMS's in the morning and before I sleep.
I miss the way he would SMS me at odd times during the day...
but I have learnt to live without these little comforts.
My fingers itch every now and then to SMS or call him when the day goes a little bit off tangent, I feel like telling him about my colleagues, the joys and the sorrows of the day, my thoughts and my hopes and every single little thing.
But I don't 'cos I know that it would do me no good whatsoever to call him so often. Sometimes it hurts though 'cos it seems that he doesn't seem to care at all. That life for him is the same when for me, there is this big empty chasm.
I am thankful though for so many things that have helped make these days bearable.
SMS's and MSN with Angelus who has been my strongest supporter through it all. The person who gives me advice and who listens to all my whining without judging. Then there are people that just happen to pop up in times when I needed a friend or someone to talk to: Wilson, Rufus (who gave me a cute Piglet toy and a book that I wanted), Danny for picking me up when I was sick in the office, P.Lo for the lovely letter and card, Sam for calls, SMS's and MSNing, David for being there listening and telling me stuff I needed to hear...
I am thankful for all these things and more.
I know that time heals all wounds.
I know that in time, the pain, the sadnes, the emptiness and the hurt will become less... but for now its hard to remember the comfort and advice I gave to others when they were in simillar situations... but all is not lost. Holding on to the belief that 'things happen for a reason', I will try my very best to look forward and to get over this in my own way. He will help me as He always does in moments of utter sorrow and He will make a way for me and help me get through this.
Tomorrow is a new day once again...
and I think it will be a good day.