Friday, May 12, 2006

Trying to * Believe *

I am not sure where I am at now in terms of my emotions. One moment I am doing well, dancing in the sunshine, laughing to myself and smiling a great deal and the next I feel so empty and hollow and I feel this weird pressing feeling near the regions of my heart...

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Then there is work - One day I think that I love this job and that I wouldn’t mind working for the next gazillion years and then the next minute I hate it with a passion and I question my sanity for turning down other journalistic opportunities.

Yes… confused… that’s probably me most of the time.

This feeling also extends to my relationships with people.
One minute I think I know what I want and I know where I am headed and the next its like… what do I want now? At the moment of my blogging, I am feel super duper uncared for. No not PMSing or anything of that sort. Just thinking about the choices I have made and the way I am being treated and I feel sadly short changed.

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Remember I think I mentioned how one can feel super lonely even though they are surrounded by people? Well I am feeling it again for the hundredth and one time this year. I have gotten so many messages to go out and to go for dinner, but I have declined them all simply because I don’t know what to do when I am out. I don’t know what to say and etc. and then there is the nagging feeling that I should be helping out in the house. The people I really want to meet don’t really want to see me or are in Heaven *God bless them*

Went out with my friends last night and I thought I would enjoy myself but I didn’t. I was aching to go home or just to get away. It’s not like I hate them or anything, but nothing has changed. They still tease me and mock me about my weight and etc. just like how they always do. And I just think how sad it is that they still behave this way. How sad that they don’t respect me. And I just couldn't sit there and pretend that everythign was okay when it sure as wasn't. Thank God for Angelus who came to my rescue and sacrificed his sleep to hang out and reminiscence about primary school with me in MCD’s centre point.

Then there is my grandma who isn’t doing so well. She I bedridden now and she will be admitted to hospital over the weekend. Of course there are so many other problems cropping up and my parents are worked out about it and I feel like I am a stranger in my own house at times. I hardly saw my parents this week *sob sob* I see my grandma now and I want to shake her and tell her to snap out of it and to get better pronto but then I remember all too quickly that its not her fault and I berate myself for feeling that way and I think that maybe I should be the one being shaken and asked to snap out of it.

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Sorry that my writings seem to jump here and there, not quite constant but I just have all these random thoughts in my mind. I suppose I just need a good rest and then everything will be better *crossing my fingers* It’s just that I hate this transition I am in at the moment - that and all the other shitty problems I am facing. I am still trying to adapt to the “new working life” and it’s seriously difficult. I miss my old life so much. I feel that some parts of me are missing and that I am not whole and idiot me is still searching high and low for some of the pieces to put everything back again to how it was before. But I know at the back of my mind that nothing will ever be the same again. How can it be the same? Too much has happened. I can't go back to the way things were... ever... It's hard to type that sentence out and even harder to understand it and its implications.

For some strange reason I want to see Polar Express on IMAX (I never got to watch it because the freaking thing was spoilt and I remember Peggy and I were super disappointed about it) and sob about the magic of “believing” and to feel all Christmasy. I love that feeling and you know what I dread the day when the magic slips away from my life. When I do morph into this hard hearted biatch who hates soft cuddly things, little ponies, care bears, stickers, who doesn’t believe in fairies and Angels and all things magical, Please smack me nicely.

I want to sob now... because you aren't here now, because I feel a hole in me and I feel like the world is just going too fast for me to catch up so I will leave you with these words from a song...

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Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe…”

~ Josh Groban “Believe” from the OST to Polar Express ~

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