Saturday, March 25, 2006

A little bit helpless...

It’s another Saturday night and I am alone at home in front of the pc which seems to be the norm these days. I have just deleted 109 msgs from my friendster account but there are a precious few that I can’t find the heart to delete. I also tried to clear my inbox and various files from several of my email accounts and realized that I was NOT that bored today. I should be out but I don’t feel like interacting with humans today… and whenever I go to see Tweety, she seems weaker and more depressed than ever. She is not eating and I fear for her and her life. I feel like shite! I feel like I am to be blamed and I feel so helpless.

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Yes, was thinking about death again after reading the remainder of the book by Marian Keyes which I mentioned in my last post. It made me think of the people that I lost and I felt a strange combination of sadness and I felt like I wanted to just scream and cry and laugh all at the same time. Then the usual emptiness and hollowness follows when I think of all that I have lost and I feel like I can’t breathe right but it passes and everything is back to normal (whatever normal means these days).

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I miss you…
...a lot. I think of you often…every day in fact. I see bits of you sometimes in the random people I pass. I witness funny moments and I think how you would have laughed along with me. I see things that you would have liked and I wish that you were here so that I could buy them for you. Sometimes I wish that my empty hand would have yours to hold, my body wrapped in your arms, my smiles identical to yours, my laughter ringing with yours, my tears and yours mingling if there ever was a need… but I have to contend with the fact several times a day that you are not here and though the pain is no longer as intense as it once was, it still hurts. It hurts every single day… and I am sorry and I wish that you knew all this… and that you can tell me that its okay that I don't need to feel this way anymore and that you know that you are and always will be loved.

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Sorry for being morbid and sad and the like (see happy happy fairy pics). Didn’t want this to be and emotional post really. Feeling a little down at the moment not only because I remembered this but because I was let down today. Not by one person but by several and myself included. When for a test in P&G and I know I am not going to get a call back because I failed miserably. I feel so stupid and I feel I let myself down but I know that isn’t really the case as the darn paper was supper hard (damn maths questions)… but I guess all things happen for a reason even though its shitty things. It’s a dumb thing to say, I have been told… but that’s sometimes all we have got to hold on to… hope and faith that things get better one day. Anyways, hope everyone will have a good remainder of the weekend and of course a wonderful blessed week ahead. I am going to church tomorrow, its about time (haven't been going for 3 weeks - my bad) and to light a candle for you and for the people that I miss.

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