I ponder and ponder and ponder...

~*~*~*~

The end of the rainbow is still in sight these days and as the days pass one by one, sometimes dreadfully fast other times deathly slow… the rainbow becomes clearer and more pronounced and I sort of get this image an idea in my mind of what I really am supposed to do here on earth, why I was born and all that jazz.

Yet sometimes for some strange reason regardless if things happen to go my way, something happens that just makes you stop in your tracks and ponder about life once more. The past couple of days since my last post has seen me frantically writing to meet deadlines, going out or staying in for movies, window shopping, reading and going for interviews. I also went with my daddy for a one nighter trip to Genting where I won some cash and where I met Noddy and had too much to drink way up there in the highlands (wine is evil, same goes for every type of alco!).

The morning after the drinks saw me sitting like a looney outside the hotel in the open air with my music just gazing aimlessly at the mountains and the mist and enjoying the warm sunshine and the cool air. There were several gardeners around and I think they were amused when I started writing furiously on my pad of paper and after filling both pages with words, proceeded to tear the said piece of paper in little shreds and throw it in the bin ~ they were just questions that could never be answered. Felt heaps good to write them down and tear it up and throw away! I then continued to sit in the sunshine and then decided to take photos of plants which will be up soon. I also saw a tortoise that happened to swim by me… it was a cute fella and couldn’t help but take a pic of him... made me miss my pets back home too.

Well that’s that. Been hanging out with my folks and aunt and uncle who are due back to Melbourne tomorrow and been just doing my own things oblivious to the things around me at times. Haven’t seen many of my friends cos’ everyone’s been busy. Met up with TheSexyDave in Telawi Street Bistro and had a pretty good meal (minus the tomato pizza bread thingy) of potato gratin – so recommended! After that, I went to the 7-11 and waited for you to arrive and we had a long talk and I feel better now at least knowing we are on the same page but then again with me being human I realise that at times when I am at my lowest, I want more from you... trying to eliminate that from my system.

I hate this whole human behaviour thingy whereby you always want more than you already have and as the days go by I realise that I am beginning to want more out of everything and everyone and I should not hope for that for in the end I will be disappointed. Everyone tells me it’s normal to have all this wants in your life. Just use these wants to be a motivator for you to work harder and etc. *sigh sigh* All true but it sucks to know that you are becoming like the rest of the human species – not that I thought I was like some kind of higher being, but I just thought I was in some ways better than that *smacks self on hand – Oh, silly me!

Back to the thing that ‘…just makes you stop in your tracks and ponder about life once more’... my tortoise Slyvester passed away today. This is the third tortoise that has passed away in the past three months and for me that is like the worst thing ever. I feel responsible for their deaths even though their water is changed everyday and they are fed well. My family is baffled at this and so am I. Sly was my dad’s favourite and although Clyde was also my favourite (God bless his soul), Sly took over his place after some time. Sly was just so cute. He loved to eat which leads me and my dad to think that he ate himself to death or had a clogged artery or something... who knows… it’s a tortoise. They don’t make sounds unless they are sick so how would we know if anything’s wrong... *sigh sigh*

I feel just horrid and it made me wonder why life on earth was is so futile. One day you are alive and kicking and the next you are just… gone. I am reading the latest book by Marian Keyes “Anybody Out There?” and there is this really heart wrenching part where the main character Anna finds out the truth about Aidan (the guy she loves). In the story Anna had an accident New York and was recuperating in Dublin and while she was there she thought about Aidan and wished that she could get back to NY pronto to be with him. When she was back there she kept calling his mobile and kept sending him emails everyday religiously. She saw him on the bus and walking on the streets but she was always too far away to call out too. She checked her inbox and handphone religiously for a message from him, but none came. She missed him terribly and couldn’t really work because she was still recovering from the accident (incidentally she works in PR).

Then suddenly one day she realises that there will be no calls, no replies, no emails, no sms’s… nada… because on the day of the accident, Aidan passed away. The story is written in such a way that you begin to hate this Aidan character for being such a louse (like most men who hate to reply sms’s/calls/emails) and you begin to wonder where that sorry arse person went too and why he is MIA. The heart wrenching part is reading how Anna felt when she realised that Aidan had passed away. Blardy sad I tell you. That’s just like quarter way through the story *sigh sigh*

Ok getting side tracked here… Basically it took Sly’s death to make me think again, to jolt me awake and stop my “stuff” to really think about things. About the people I took for granted the things in life that seem so ‘important’ at this moment in time and blah blah blah. Are these things worth it or should we just really do the unbelievable and follow our hearts even though we might be penniless, smell like old socks and damp and live in a cardboard box? Ponder. Ponder. Ponder. *sigh sigh* its getting me nowhere but I just am rather upset. The feeling will pass I am sure but it just sucks. I wish there was no such thing as death though that would mean no life… *ouch* my head hurts ~ Thinking too much. Gotta go… pray for Sly in pet Heaven and wish me luck on my journey...I wish you luck for yours.

~*~*~*~