Changes & Grape Nutrigen @- - -

Am sitting here sipping grape Nutrigen.
Am thinking that in a couple of days time I wouldn't be "ME" anymore. Many things will change in these couple of days. Part of me wants to stay awake every single day so that I get to enjoy every single moment of this... this wonderful endless posibility.


Am thinking that today at 3.26pm I signed away so many things and I am at a lost for words. I am caught into between crazy joy and heartfelt despair. Caught in a world of grey between the black and the white. I don't like being in the middle... but I don't quite feel like choosing.
I just want to crawl under my blankie, be Peter Pan-like and sleep or read or write my silly poems and happy ever after endings...

...yet in me there is this other part that wants to break free for awhile. Needs to see past the blankie, the books, the movies, the music, the scrapbooking and etc. The part of me that is 24 and wants to continue growing up and stop being Peter Pan-like. I want to wear the suit and be like how I envisioned myself 12 years ago.

Am sitting here sipping grape Nutrigen.
Am thinking that there are so many changes bound to happen and I suppose that no one can help me out of this (as usual) and its up to me to get out of this and to enjoy the time I have left doing what I love the most and well... what comes after that... I will take it as it comes and love every minute of it... till then I will bitch and moan about not having MSN, no jeans, no music and no more freedom. It just became clear to me that there is a price tag attached to everything in this world.

Am sitting here sipping grape Nutrigen.
My blankie and my books are calling.

It's raining outside

It's suddenly raining outside and I am just about to log off...
Just wanted you to know though that I am thinking of you
and I still think that miracles do happen......
I wouldn't give up though I need a sign to know that you are here...

A little bit helpless...

It’s another Saturday night and I am alone at home in front of the pc which seems to be the norm these days. I have just deleted 109 msgs from my friendster account but there are a precious few that I can’t find the heart to delete. I also tried to clear my inbox and various files from several of my email accounts and realized that I was NOT that bored today. I should be out but I don’t feel like interacting with humans today… and whenever I go to see Tweety, she seems weaker and more depressed than ever. She is not eating and I fear for her and her life. I feel like shite! I feel like I am to be blamed and I feel so helpless.

Yes, was thinking about death again after reading the remainder of the book by Marian Keyes which I mentioned in my last post. It made me think of the people that I lost and I felt a strange combination of sadness and I felt like I wanted to just scream and cry and laugh all at the same time. Then the usual emptiness and hollowness follows when I think of all that I have lost and I feel like I can’t breathe right but it passes and everything is back to normal (whatever normal means these days).

I miss you…
...a lot. I think of you often…every day in fact. I see bits of you sometimes in the random people I pass. I witness funny moments and I think how you would have laughed along with me. I see things that you would have liked and I wish that you were here so that I could buy them for you. Sometimes I wish that my empty hand would have yours to hold, my body wrapped in your arms, my smiles identical to yours, my laughter ringing with yours, my tears and yours mingling if there ever was a need… but I have to contend with the fact several times a day that you are not here and though the pain is no longer as intense as it once was, it still hurts. It hurts every single day… and I am sorry and I wish that you knew all this… and that you can tell me that its okay that I don't need to feel this way anymore and that you know that you are and always will be loved.

Sorry for being morbid and sad and the like (see happy happy fairy pics). Didn’t want this to be and emotional post really. Feeling a little down at the moment not only because I remembered this but because I was let down today. Not by one person but by several and myself included. When for a test in P&G and I know I am not going to get a call back because I failed miserably. I feel so stupid and I feel I let myself down but I know that isn’t really the case as the darn paper was supper hard (damn maths questions)… but I guess all things happen for a reason even though its shitty things. It’s a dumb thing to say, I have been told… but that’s sometimes all we have got to hold on to… hope and faith that things get better one day. Anyways, hope everyone will have a good remainder of the weekend and of course a wonderful blessed week ahead. I am going to church tomorrow, its about time (haven't been going for 3 weeks - my bad) and to light a candle for you and for the people that I miss.

I ponder and ponder and ponder...

~*~*~*~

The end of the rainbow is still in sight these days and as the days pass one by one, sometimes dreadfully fast other times deathly slow… the rainbow becomes clearer and more pronounced and I sort of get this image an idea in my mind of what I really am supposed to do here on earth, why I was born and all that jazz.

Yet sometimes for some strange reason regardless if things happen to go my way, something happens that just makes you stop in your tracks and ponder about life once more. The past couple of days since my last post has seen me frantically writing to meet deadlines, going out or staying in for movies, window shopping, reading and going for interviews. I also went with my daddy for a one nighter trip to Genting where I won some cash and where I met Noddy and had too much to drink way up there in the highlands (wine is evil, same goes for every type of alco!).

The morning after the drinks saw me sitting like a looney outside the hotel in the open air with my music just gazing aimlessly at the mountains and the mist and enjoying the warm sunshine and the cool air. There were several gardeners around and I think they were amused when I started writing furiously on my pad of paper and after filling both pages with words, proceeded to tear the said piece of paper in little shreds and throw it in the bin ~ they were just questions that could never be answered. Felt heaps good to write them down and tear it up and throw away! I then continued to sit in the sunshine and then decided to take photos of plants which will be up soon. I also saw a tortoise that happened to swim by me… it was a cute fella and couldn’t help but take a pic of him... made me miss my pets back home too.

Well that’s that. Been hanging out with my folks and aunt and uncle who are due back to Melbourne tomorrow and been just doing my own things oblivious to the things around me at times. Haven’t seen many of my friends cos’ everyone’s been busy. Met up with TheSexyDave in Telawi Street Bistro and had a pretty good meal (minus the tomato pizza bread thingy) of potato gratin – so recommended! After that, I went to the 7-11 and waited for you to arrive and we had a long talk and I feel better now at least knowing we are on the same page but then again with me being human I realise that at times when I am at my lowest, I want more from you... trying to eliminate that from my system.

I hate this whole human behaviour thingy whereby you always want more than you already have and as the days go by I realise that I am beginning to want more out of everything and everyone and I should not hope for that for in the end I will be disappointed. Everyone tells me it’s normal to have all this wants in your life. Just use these wants to be a motivator for you to work harder and etc. *sigh sigh* All true but it sucks to know that you are becoming like the rest of the human species – not that I thought I was like some kind of higher being, but I just thought I was in some ways better than that *smacks self on hand – Oh, silly me!

Back to the thing that ‘…just makes you stop in your tracks and ponder about life once more’... my tortoise Slyvester passed away today. This is the third tortoise that has passed away in the past three months and for me that is like the worst thing ever. I feel responsible for their deaths even though their water is changed everyday and they are fed well. My family is baffled at this and so am I. Sly was my dad’s favourite and although Clyde was also my favourite (God bless his soul), Sly took over his place after some time. Sly was just so cute. He loved to eat which leads me and my dad to think that he ate himself to death or had a clogged artery or something... who knows… it’s a tortoise. They don’t make sounds unless they are sick so how would we know if anything’s wrong... *sigh sigh*

I feel just horrid and it made me wonder why life on earth was is so futile. One day you are alive and kicking and the next you are just… gone. I am reading the latest book by Marian Keyes “Anybody Out There?” and there is this really heart wrenching part where the main character Anna finds out the truth about Aidan (the guy she loves). In the story Anna had an accident New York and was recuperating in Dublin and while she was there she thought about Aidan and wished that she could get back to NY pronto to be with him. When she was back there she kept calling his mobile and kept sending him emails everyday religiously. She saw him on the bus and walking on the streets but she was always too far away to call out too. She checked her inbox and handphone religiously for a message from him, but none came. She missed him terribly and couldn’t really work because she was still recovering from the accident (incidentally she works in PR).

Then suddenly one day she realises that there will be no calls, no replies, no emails, no sms’s… nada… because on the day of the accident, Aidan passed away. The story is written in such a way that you begin to hate this Aidan character for being such a louse (like most men who hate to reply sms’s/calls/emails) and you begin to wonder where that sorry arse person went too and why he is MIA. The heart wrenching part is reading how Anna felt when she realised that Aidan had passed away. Blardy sad I tell you. That’s just like quarter way through the story *sigh sigh*

Ok getting side tracked here… Basically it took Sly’s death to make me think again, to jolt me awake and stop my “stuff” to really think about things. About the people I took for granted the things in life that seem so ‘important’ at this moment in time and blah blah blah. Are these things worth it or should we just really do the unbelievable and follow our hearts even though we might be penniless, smell like old socks and damp and live in a cardboard box? Ponder. Ponder. Ponder. *sigh sigh* its getting me nowhere but I just am rather upset. The feeling will pass I am sure but it just sucks. I wish there was no such thing as death though that would mean no life… *ouch* my head hurts ~ Thinking too much. Gotta go… pray for Sly in pet Heaven and wish me luck on my journey...I wish you luck for yours.

~*~*~*~

Studies = Finito

I finally am done with my my studies.

I got my final paper marked and I have to say that I am upset but I guess these days I seem to be a little less worried or anal about certain things. I can't change the B I got into an A and although I am super disappointed that I didn't end my studies with a big fat A, its alright. It could have been worse. I could have gotten a C which would be like super bad or worse still fail which would be the worst outcome ever. So with thoughts like these, I think that the B I have ain't all that bad. Considering I did the assignment in less than 4 days when it was supposed to be done in 3 months, yes... I guess I deserved a B (but still am alittle upset - kiasu genes)

Since my last post, things have been pretty good. Had: an interesting tea time talk with Nic on Saturday, a deliciously filling dinner at Italliannis with Cat and a to-die-for desert at Bakerzin with Cat also, two blisters both on my baby toes thanks to the really nice shoes which are not comfortable to wear at all, new undies which I bought from the LaSenza sale, a fun girly day out with Azzy and Nichole at 1Utama, several interesting interviews which I turned down (they just weren't right for me), lunch alone several times this week much the amusement of my family and friends, 50% off on Thursday when I went to rent MORE books at Walk In Rent A Book, the case of the giggles for no apparent reason the other day and lots more.

Things are starting to fall into place and though I still don't quite feel like talking to the whole world again or see many people, I think I am making some sort of progress. Been having heaps of time to myself which is just glorious. Have been talking alot to Sly and Tweets (my tortoises). They are seriously growing so fast that I wish they would slow down alittle. Sly can't fit under the bridge anymore eventhough he tries so very hard to squeeze. Tweety on the other hand is a little adventurer. She has started to climb - just like my dear Clydough *God bless his! She even climbed on top of the plastic coconut tree which I think is a feat which is incredible (look at pics). God only knows she got up there. She is also starting to eat which is good because previously she didn't eat. Sly and her are getting a long pretty well too *hoorah*

Gosh I sound like a proud parent which in some ways I am. Anyways, I have to go now. Heaps of things to do on my list and the day is almost over. Going to arrange and discard my text books and stuff to make way for work stuff and my scrapbooking magazines (have acquired heaps of them!) *hoorah hoorah* Hope that things are well with everyone. *hugsss*

It's wonderful

You would think that with all the free time I have these days I would be blogging more often. Yeah, quite true I should be doing just that since I am “super free” all the time. It’s not that there is a lack of things to blog about, but strangely enough, every time I sit in front of the pc, and log on to www.blogger.com, I realise that either a) I have forgotten to do something b) some one calls me to help with something c) I have no mood to write d) I am sick (like I am now) or the most important reason of all… e) I can’t seem to face what I am going through and I can’t seem to find the words that express the thoughts that muddle around in my mind.

But today, for some strange reason all these thoughts are rushing to get out of my mind. Like thoughts diarrhea, they rush out like an endless stream and I am left frantically typing them out so that they don’t spill on the ground only to be lost and forgotten.

The past few days and to be honest... the last couple of months, has seen my life progressing to something totally different. I have been kicked out of my comfort zone where I thrived in and am now wandering around in this new unfamiliar territory which I have yet to name. Everything that was once familiar to me, is now gone and I am left floundering in this… strangeness.
Suddenly I begin to question everything about myself, everything about my life, everything about my family, my friends, my house, my neighbour, my country, the world, God and the list goes on. But as TheSexyDave said to me over my birthday lunch at Dave’s (thanks again for it), “why bother asking questions when there is never going to be an answer”?

YES. Why bother?I don’t know. I just do.

You know I have always had a plan... a sort of map of where I am heading… but the map ended at point X which was university and after that, there was no trail, nothing planned for after that. Everyone assumes that I will find a good job with my credentials and past work experiences but they don’t know how hard it is to find a job that you like, a job that suits you and pays decently at the same time. They don’t know the crushing humiliation of having no replies and having a polite but curt NO hurled in your face. After all, its me… ME who apparently had everything going for her once upon a time.
To the world, I am the girl who wakes up at noon or slightly after… “AHHH!!! WHAT BLISS” they say in envy and perhaps a hint of anger and jealousy? But the reason why I wake up so late is because sometimes at night, I lie in bed and think about what I am doing and what I am going to do and etc. Then there are the other nights that I surf the web and look endlessly for places to apply to and at the same time gather the courage to apply to. Tiring. That’s what it is… blardy tiring and emotional draining. Then there are other days when I just decide to block it all out and so to distract myself, I read and I watch tv till I my eyes hurt and I need to prop toothpicks under my eyelids to keep them open. Envy me now? (the answer should be "NO" btw!)

~*~*~*~

From my journal:
Things are supposed to get easier as you get older but more often than not it is just the notion of things getting simpler, in reality they get harder. Suddenly things don't look so simple anymore. The quest to land yourself a job you like with decent pay seems like something out of a Dungeons and Dragons game. And as soon as you begin work, bills, taxes, insurance, bills, investments and more bills come your way tying you down for the rest of your miserable existence. Things are supposed to get easier for me. I am supposed to be really sure of what to do in this ripe young age of almost 24, but it seems as if I am sliding back down some snakes and ladders chute and arriving somewhere at the bottom silently cursing the toss of the dice of life and gazing enviously at my friends who have got it almost down pat with their love life, their work and everything else. So yes... I suppose its time to trek up the ladders and avoid those snakes. Wish me luck!
~*~*~*~

I don’t think luck quite cuts it anymore…Maybe I am being overly dramatic (as some ppl like to accuse me off) but suddenly for once in my life, I don’t really want to BE around people. I don’t want to talk to anyone or hang out at the mamak or go shopping *gasp*. I just want to be alone more often than not. Duncan (my ex) happened to come and visit me last week and I was reluctant to go out but in the end he won and I went out and I was happy that I did. Surprisingly he said a lot of things that helped me and opened my eyes, he comforted me and by talking to him I realized a lot of things about myself then and myself now. It’s strange he said but he felt like I had finally grown up.

Yes. Perhaps I have grown up and that is why I am suddenly wondering where I am and what I am doing with my life. Suddenly the things in my life don’t quite fit together like the perfectly wooden framed Disney jigsaw puzzle hanging in my room. The pieces seem ill-fitting and strange and that’s why in the solitude and confines of my room these couple of weeks I have been trying to fix it all. It’s never going to be fixed, not anytime soon though, but I think I have made some headway.

I have come to realise that I don’t want a lot of things. I don’t want to pretend that I care about something when I honestly don’t give two shits about it. I don’t want to go and have tea/coffee with you and have you try to sell me something which I don’t want to buy. I don’t want to hear you boasting about which bag or car you just bought. I don’t want to hear that you think I have big arms or that I am fat or that I am stupid. I don’t want to laugh when the jokes are at hurtful at my expense. I don’t want to sit down and see you smiling and laughing when I know that that smile will never be mine. I don’t want to pretend that I know everything so that I can fit in. I don’t want to make polite conversation with you when I know that you are so full of shit. I don’t want to say that we are “best friends” when you don’t know anything about me anymore. I don’t want to call/sms you because I know that I am bothering you and you have better things to do. I don’t want to laugh when I feel like crying. I don't want to wait for you anymore and the list goes on.

Demanding?

Crazy?

PMS-ing?None of the above.
Just being honest and letting it all out.

“I sometimes feel like I am a tortoise upside down on its shell, struggling to understand why the world has suddenly gone upside down” – paraphrased from one of Amy Tan’s book.

As I told to Dira a couple of days, I am getting out of this rut. Slowly, but surely I am getting out of it and learning to make my life right side up again. Heck, many people might not even know or care that I am in a rut, or perhaps they are just to busy with their lives and their own problems, but heck if I was indeed a friend as I was led to believe, wouldn’t they take the time to know? This has got to be one of the hardest times in my life. Reality is one of life’s hardest pills to swallow and being humbled is difficult to accept as well. Perhaps this is one battle best faced alone.

I know I will get out of this a better, wiser person…

A person who I always dreamt as a child I would be.

Continuing the figure out the map of my life isn’t going to happen right away... I think I have to make things up as I go along and to see what life hands me along the road and use that as well... but I can see the rainbows end up ahead *grin*

and for now, that’s enough....

It's wonderful.

*~ The End of The Rainbow ~*

You would think that with all the free time I have these days I would be blogging more often. Yeah, quite true I should be doing just that since I am “super free” all the time. It’s not that there is a lack of things to blog about, but strangely enough, every time I sit in front of the pc, and log on to www.blogger.com, I realise that either a) I have forgotten to do something b) some one calls me to help with something c) I have no mood to write d) I am sick (like I am now) or the most important reason of all… e) I can’t seem to face what I am going through and I can’t seem to find the words that express the thoughts that muddle around in my mind.

But today, for some strange reason all these thoughts are rushing to get out of my mind. Like thoughts diarrhea, they rush out like an endless stream and I am left frantically typing them out so that they don’t spill on the ground only to be lost and forgotten.

The past few days and to be honest... the last couple of months, has seen my life progressing to something totally different. I have been kicked out of my comfort zone where I thrived in and am now wandering around in this new unfamiliar territory which I have yet to name. Everything that was once familiar to me, is now gone and I am left floundering in this… strangeness.

Suddenly I begin to question everything about myself, everything about my life, everything about my family, my friends, my house, my neighbour, my country, the world, God and the list goes on. But as TheSexyDave said to me over my birthday lunch at Dave’s (thanks again for it), “why bother asking questions when there is never going to be an answer”?

YES. Why bother?
I don’t know. I just do.

You know I have always had a plan... a sort of map of where I am heading… but the map ended at point X which was university and after that, there was no trail, nothing planned for after that. Everyone assumes that I will find a good job with my credentials and past work experiences but they don’t know how hard it is to find a job that you like, a job that suits you and pays decently at the same time. They don’t know the crushing humiliation of having no replies and having a polite but curt NO hurled in your face. After all, its me… ME who apparently had everything going for her once upon a time.

To the world, I am the girl who wakes up at noon or slightly after… “AHHH!!! WHAT BLISS” they say in envy and perhaps a hint of anger and jealousy? But the reason why I wake up so late is because sometimes at night, I lie in bed and think about what I am doing and what I am going to do and etc. Then there are the other nights that I surf the web and look endlessly for places to apply to and at the same time gather the courage to apply to. Tiring. That’s what it is… blardy tiring and emotional draining. Then there are other days when I just decide to block it all out and so to distract myself, I read and I watch tv till I my eyes hurt and I need to prop toothpicks under my eyelids to keep them open. Envy me now? (the answer should be "NO" btw!)

~*~*~*~

From my journal:
Things are supposed to get easier as you get older but more often than not it is just the notion of things getting simpler, in reality they get harder. Suddenly things don't look so simple anymore. The quest to land yourself a job you like with decent pay seems like something out of a Dungeons and Dragons game. And as soon as you begin work, bills, taxes, insurance, bills, investments and more bills come your way tying you down for the rest of your miserable existence. Things are supposed to get easier for me. I am supposed to be really sure of what to do in this ripe young age of almost 24, but it seems as if I am sliding back down some snakes and ladders chute and arriving somewhere at the bottom silently cursing the toss of the dice of life and gazing enviously at my friends who have got it almost down pat with their love life, their work and everything else. So yes... I suppose its time to trek up the ladders and avoid those snakes. Wish me luck!
~*~*~*~

I don’t think luck quite cuts it anymore…
Maybe I am being overly dramatic (as some ppl like to accuse me off) but suddenly for once in my life, I don’t really want to BE around people. I don’t want to talk to anyone or hang out at the mamak or go shopping *gasp*. I just want to be alone more often than not. Duncan (my ex) happened to come and visit me last week and I was reluctant to go out but in the end he won and I went out and I was happy that I did. Surprisingly he said a lot of things that helped me and opened my eyes, he comforted me and by talking to him I realized a lot of things about myself then and myself now. It’s strange he said but he felt like I had finally grown up.

Yes. Perhaps I have grown up and that is why I am suddenly wondering where I am and what I am doing with my life. Suddenly the things in my life don’t quite fit together like the perfectly wooden framed Disney jigsaw puzzle hanging in my room. The pieces seem ill-fitting and strange and that’s why in the solitude and confines of my room these couple of weeks I have been trying to fix it all. It’s never going to be fixed, not anytime soon though, but I think I have made some headway.

I have come to realise that I don’t want a lot of things. I don’t want to pretend that I care about something when I honestly don’t give two shits about it. I don’t want to go and have tea/coffee with you and have you try to sell me something which I don’t want to buy. I don’t want to hear you boasting about which bag or car you just bought. I don’t want to hear that you think I have big arms or that I am fat or that I am stupid. I don’t want to laugh when the jokes are at hurtful at my expense. I don’t want to sit down and see you smiling and laughing when I know that that smile will never be mine. I don’t want to pretend that I know everything so that I can fit in. I don’t want to make polite conversation with you when I know that you are so full of shit. I don’t want to say that we are “best friends” when you don’t know anything about me anymore. I don’t want to call/sms you because I know that I am bothering you and you have better things to do. I don’t want to laugh when I feel like crying. I don't want to wait for you anymore and the list goes on.

Demanding?

Crazy?

PMS-ing?
None of the above.
Just being honest and letting it all out.

“I sometimes feel like I am a tortoise upside down on its shell, struggling to understand why the world has suddenly gone upside down” – paraphrased from one of Amy Tan’s book.

As I told to Dira a couple of days, I am getting out of this rut. Slowly, but surely I am getting out of it and learning to make my life right side up again. Heck, many people might not even know or care that I am in a rut, or perhaps they are just to busy with their lives and their own problems, but heck if I was indeed a friend as I was led to believe, wouldn’t they take the time to know? This has got to be one of the hardest times in my life. Reality is one of life’s hardest pills to swallow and being humbled is difficult to accept as well. Perhaps this is one battle best faced alone.

I know I will get out of this a better, wiser person…

A person who I always dreamt as a child I would be.

Continuing the figure out the map of my life isn’t going to happen right away... I think I have to make things up as I go along and to see what life hands me along the road and use that as well... but I can see the rainbows end up ahead *grin*

and for now, that’s enough....

It's wonderful.