Thursday, July 04, 2013

When I leave this earth

I never like to go to sleep angry at anyone, especially the people that I truly love and care for... but sometimes, when tempers flare and insecurities are unearthed and words are misunderstood, there is no mending bridges or communication for that day and you go to sleep angry

Not everyone believes in settling quarrels or forgiving someone before they close their eyes and sleep. But for me, I hate going to sleep angry or upset or hurt, basically in a negative mood. My heart usually feels heavy and I need to write or just get this feeling out of me and then only will I be able to fall asleep.

Perhaps the biggest reason why I want to sort things out before I sleep is that I would like to not leave words unsaid or to wake up to a day when things start off on the wrong foot because you are still holding a grudge, a hurt or words left unspoken because what if tomorrow never came?

Too many a time have people left without saying the words "I am sorry" or "I love you". How tragic to be one of those people. Hence why my need to settle these things before I sleep. In my world I strive to live each day with a ribbon tied round it so that in the event that I am chosen to return to God, I would have done everything I could possibly do. I still fall short, but I am trying. Life is too fragile.

So when I have to leave this earth or if one day I am no longer around to write or to type, or speak, know that I am sorry for the things I say that sometimes hurt or anger you, also know that I am aware of the many sacrifices you make for me and know that above all, I love you B.

Know that though we have our disagreements and different viewpoints, at the end of the day we are an awesome twosome and I know you love me too. Our lives will never be complete without the other half and like all those epic romance novels, tv shows and movies, we will always find each other wherever we will be in the world beyond as our lives and souls are eternally entwined.

Love yous booyah.


Update: I know that truth now about what happened and I feel foolish for believing you and trusting you. I feel stupid for being naive in thinking that people can change. I feel angry most of all for thinking that I was in the wrong, that I was the paranoid crazed one. And now, I find out that I wasn't wrong and learn how fast a small seemingly insignificant lie can turn into something so very ugly. Also, you should really be an actor for the lovely show you put on.

After all that is being said above, I know this is just a blip in the radar of our marriage and that I will get over it. What I also know is that the trust barometer has gone down and lastly, what I know on this dull grey morning is that its better to know then not to know and that I need to not only harden myself but learn how to stop being so naive, for leopards never truly change their spots, they sometimes just hide it under layers of fur.

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