Monday, February 06, 2006

Sweet Madness

It's back to work for some people but for me I am stillllll at home though today I am up way before noon :) *grin grin* a feat which needed to be mentioned. Going to go to college later to see some friends and get back my assignments which have apparently been sitting there for some time. My last assignment which was supposed to be handed up before CNY started is still a work in progress (please don't yell at me!) though everything is in my head and just needs to be uploaded onto the computer. I wish they had a device for that!

I am not sure why I am writing this but I fear that things are changing way too soon for my liking and I find myself grasping at straws. Perhaps the non-progress of my assignment is because after this one last assignment, I WILL have to work and I am scared of that. I am scared of working! Most of you might think once again that I am being overly dramatic as I have had various jobs before... but they were part time ones or ones that I could leave whenever I wanted to. This time if I work it would be the REAL deal and not something that I can just attend as and when I want.

Then there the the freaking job hunt to go through. The job offers that have been offered to me are either too far, not quite what I want to do or just seriously too little pay. The horror of waking up early and sleeping early is enough to make me feel like crap. Then there is the over time and going in on the weekends and deadlines to juggle and consider *trauma*... So anyways, not knowing what I really want to do leaves me with endless posibilities of where to apply which is not really a good thing as I still don't know if I want to sell my soul to a PR counsultantcy or jounrnalism... choices... choices...

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Then there is you. You that promised me a happy ever after. The you that plagues my mind constantly day and night. I find myself at times staring outside the front house windows or the door watching headlights pass my house one after another. Watching for the blinding whiteness of you but you never did come, never did show up and once more you, you tell me that I would see you but I am worried that this meeting will not fall through just like all those other times and I will be left holding fragments of dreams and hopes tattered and torn. Sometimes I wish I could just cut up pieces of my mind so that I wouldn't need to think about you when I don't want to. What is it that you have have that others don't? Why do I keep thinking of you and wishing that you were doing the same?
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There is so much I want to say to you and to others around me. How I want to yell and scream at them (and you at times for your silence) when they diss me and when they laugh and mock me with their words like double edged swords. Is it me or is that what friends are for? If that was the case and friends were there sorely to torment you, then I would rather be a hermit living alone doing my own things than to have friends. For what are the use of friends when they puncture your heart with words so sharp you wonder why you are still sitting there across from them calmly listening to the poison that seeps from their lips and into your heart and soul! Spineless me... Silly me... Me that is spirally in this lovely, dangerous, sweet sweet madness.

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I am calling all Angels out there, the ones that exist only in my memory, my heart and my mind, to help me through this time. To uplift me in moments of said sweet madness. To help me through this time of transition and change and to help make it a phase in life which will not be as painful or as horrible as I think it will be. I need these Angels to uplift me up and guide me through the right paths and if I happen to fall upon the wrong paths, I pray that they will assist me back to the right ones with as little damage as possible. One can surely hope...
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But even as I type, I fear all these thoughts that are jumbled together one on top of the other, might not come out right. Too many thoughts, too little time, too worried, still clutching to hope. Sorry if I am writing too much in a post to small for much. I suppose this is what its like to be lost in sweet madness. To have all these emotions in you, some good and some bad all jumbled up together like some sort of melting pot of emotions.

I am laughing now... I might be crying tears of relief in a couple of hours time while I smile at you through my tears, I perhaps I would just be like I always am, alone in my room wondering where time has gone and watching the shadows grow longer on my wall and the sun disappear for the day... yes... its' sweet madness.

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P.S: A blog. MY blog. Anyones freaking blog is meant for them and for their thoughts. Why do people feel that they have the power to critic and to bitch and moan about the content that goes into ones on blog. I honestly could write whatever I truly wanted, using whose nick or name I felt like using and yada yada. Why can't you see that this is MY blog and not yours, so if you find that you have a problem with any content, well then just stop reading MY blog. I am sure I will not regret nor miss your readership.

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