Where are you?

Where are you?
I think you walked ahead of me
too far in front...
so far that I can't catch up.
Wouldn't you wait for me?

Where are you?
Could it be that I was the one...
the one who walked too far ahead
and it was I that left you behind?

Where are you?
Wouldn't you come back to me?
I miss you.

~ Just Like Heaven ~

Just Like Heaven ~ Katie Melua

Show me how you do that trick
The one that makes me scream he said
The one that makes me laugh he said
And threw his arms around my neck
Show me how you do it
And I promise you I promise that
I'll run away with you
I'll run away with you

Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed his face and kissed his head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make him glow
Why are you so far away, he said
Why won't you ever know that I'm in love with you
That I'm in love with you

You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, strange as angels
Dancing in the deepest oceans
Twisting in the water
You're just like a dream
You're just like a dream

Daylight licked me into shape
I must have been asleep for days
And moving lips to breathe his name
I opened up my eyes
And found myself alone alone
Alone above a raging sea
That stole the only boy I loved
And drowned him deep inside of me

You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely
You, just like heaven
You, soft and only
You, lost and lonely

You, just like heaven

~*~*~*~

:: A New Chapter has begun ::

A New Chapter in my life has begun.

I am quite ready for it actually. Even though there are things in my life at the moment that don’t quite fit and which is not quite right, it’s alright I guess. No one has a perfect life though I am trying to make it as good as it can possibly get.

I am 24 now!

*hoorah hoorah*
Happy Birthday to me…

Its 5.11pm at the moment and I just got home from the Possums. To tell you how I landed there at the Possums place, I will start by talking about what I did on the last day of being 23.

~Yesterday… my last day of being 23~
I woke up to the sound of Tania calling me on the hp. She said she was coming at 9 something to pick me up for the treasure hunt thingy that we were supposed to go for in aid of homeless animals. Anyways, this event was held at Plaza Damas in Hartamas and was actually a pretty interesting treasure hunt. I wouldn’t say my group Buffy was damn good at the hunt, but me and my partner whom I met there, Suzanne did get 4th place. *Surprise Surprise* We actually could have gotten first but we forgot to transfer all our answers onto the master answer sheet – BAH!!! But alls good.

Anyway, after walking for like a long time looking for clues, Suzanne and I decided to have lunch at this place called Jushi. It’s actually pretty nice and the foods really tasty surprisingly - very recommended! While we were eating we chatted about work (Suzanne is a food reviewer) and church and stuff. Then she asked me if I knew Jeremy Lee and I said, “Yes I do. It’s been ages since I saw him. How is he?” and Suzanne just looked at me and said, “I am sorry. I didn’t know you didn’t know that Jeremy passed away.” I wanted to choke on my sushi. I wanted to choke her for telling me (ok ok… this feeling passed by in a sec). I wanted to cry. I wanted to laugh. Regardless of everything the only thing I knew was that for some strange reason it hurt… it hurt a lot... knowing that he was gone.

Jeremy Lee…
Jeremy Lee…
Jeremy Lee…
So many things I want to say about him. About us, but I can’t. Not right now... I am not ready to face it, to lose another person I cared for to another road accident.

After the strange news I had, we continued with the hunt, got prizes and went to watch a doggy show. The dogs were super cute and trained so well. Anyways, after that, Tania, Adrian and I went to eat cendol by the side of the road near my house and then I came home. When I got home, I went to see the tortoises only to find that the tank with the baby tortoises was missing one tortoise. It was Bonnie. She passed away. My dad had already buried her. I felt horrible. Why did it happen to my Bonnie and Clyde? *sigh sigh sigh*

I was actually pretty tired (emotionally and physically), but I had to go for my aunt’s dinner. It was pretty alright and it was good to see my cousins and all again. Congrats to Carol for winning the Ipod Nano for her stunning piano recital. I arrived home about nine something and Catherine came over and we talked for a bit whilst waiting for the rest to come to my place so we could go out. When everyone got there it was pretty late and by the time we reached the clubs, there were lines to get in and bitchy ppl at the door wouldn’t let us in unless we bought 2 bottles! Nasty ppl. Anyways, went to the Loft in the end though minutes after reaching it the manager from Sa Vanh said we could get a table there and to just tell the ppl at the door that he was waiting for me inside. WHOOPPS!!! Too late.

The loft pretty much sucked since the last time I was there with the guys. Had a couple of cocktails laced heavily with alcohol. Went to Sa Vanh to meet the manager and had a flaming there. Had free Sambuca shots in the Loft. Had another free drink at Chynna ‘cos the manager of Chynna was there and Cat got me my last Long Island Tea for the year and the Possum got me some blueberry cocktail or something and I drank whatever else. BAD Lethal COMBINATION becauseI regurgitated!!! Not once. Not twice. Not thrice but countless times. (I think the guys are so going to laugh about this the next time I see them.) I think it was the mix of drinks, the music and the idiotic sweet I sucked on. BAH!!! I think I regurgitated the most in the Possums car – sorry Possum and I was actually laughing and smiling. Not like a Looney but because I was just happy. Happy about regurgitating you say? What an idiot! But for one who has never puked before in clubs, this was a release. I felt so much better after the regurgitating and I so could not go home looking like that. So I went to the Possums place and crashed there.

And now here I am… thankfully without a headache and without a hangout. Slightly hungry, slightly sleepy… but doing alright. Thanks for the many birthday wishes I received via phone, sms and email. Thanks for the cake Cat. Thanks for the pressie and the touching card Adam, it was unexpected but very much appreciated. Thanks for calling Dira.. it was seriously a really thoughtful gesture. But sadly I think you forgot. I want to say that it’s alright, but at the moment it isn’t alright… but I know the feeling will pass. Presents and cards are at an all time low but I guess who am I to expect so much? Going to Castell tonight with friends so I best get ready soon. Chilling out in my room and reading a book sounds heavenly. I guess it’s the little things in life like these that that count the most.

~ At age 12 I thought... ~

When I was 12, which was not so very long ago, I wrote in my diary that at the age of 24 (which was really really an old age by the way) I would be happily married to a loving, kind, good looking man, settled in a lovely home, with a wonderful stable well paying job I loved, two kids and a puppy…

GAWD!!!
Was my12 year old self high at that moment???

*sigh sigh* Here is the horrifying truth of the matter ~ I am at the fringe of my 23rd year and I am nowhere near the visions and dreams of that deluded 12 year old girl that I was. I am in fact at the opposite ends of what she imagined and hoped for.

At the threshold of my 23rd year: I am in a strange relationship, I live with my parents rent free, I have no children, definitely no puppy but a couple of tortoises and I am unemployed/jobless!!!

*SMACK SMACK*

That was what I would have gotten from my 12 year old self is she was ever given a chance to see herself in the future. She would probably also be traumatized with what she saw *sigh sigh*

Yes, I am at the fringe of my 23rd year and in about more or less a day's time I will be 24. That's like double the age of 12!!! That’s like old!!! I was at an event a couple of weeks back and someone asked me how many kids I had. WHAT a very “interesting” first question to ask me. I asked him what made me think that I was a mother and he said you just look like one!!! DAMN YOU STUPID MAN!!! A million lame and stupid comebacks raced across my mind such as -- > “Oh do you live in a farm?” and he would go “No. Why?” to which I would reply, “cos you look like an ass” and I would promptly walked of. But they were lame and so in reality I just stood there and smiled and said, “No I don’t. Excuse me” and walked off ~ what an idiot thing to do!!! I should have said something… anything!!! Oh well… maybe next time… BAH!!!

~*~*~*~

Yeah… 24 years old… gawd!!! I find it so hard to believe.
Well yesterday evening, I got an early gift from Adam with a really really interesting card. It was good to know that at least I made a difference in one persons life in this 23-and-a-bit years of living. At least I know that nothing I did was really in vain! Sure I did not win the noble prize, get married, get a good job and etc. but at least I made one more person smile (eventhough it usually is at my expense), at least I gave one more hug and at least I listened to one more person who needed someone.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that even though I am nowhere near what my 12 year old self hoped and dreamt I would be, it is okay. I have done enough, I have achieved almost all of my goals and I am pretty happy. Sure there are areas in life where there needs some working on… but I guess that’s life isn’t it? One constant stream of... working (of which I have more to do), of improving (there is much to be improved still), of learning (there are more books and things to learn), of dreaming (there are more dreams left to be dreamt), of wishing (of which there are more stars to wish upon) and of loving (of which there is more to give and to receive).

I guess after some thinking, my 12 year old self would have been pleased with how I turned out to be. I am not all I wanted to be… but I am all I needed to be.

Please... Please I need A screw...

Please... Please I need A screw...
was the title of an email I got in my hotmail account.
What a polite way of asking for a screw!

Then there was this email inviting me for a the launch of the new SAAB 9-3 Sportcombi @ the Selangor Polo Country Club. GAH!!! Why would anyone invite me to see a new car??? Probably to make up numbers. Some of the invite read "Be fascinated and get acquainted with the New SAAB 9-3 Sportcombi initmately. The New SAAB 9-3 Sportcombi is an involving sensory experience. No pretence. Just aviation inspired technology, now for the road... and blah blah blah." *hehehe* Like I carelah really. Its just another car to me unless of course its the slinky convertable Merc SLK... *sigh sigh* Now that is one hot car... *drooolllll* (Then I start thinking of "HER" and... arghhh... I dont' want to go there... arghhh models and actresses - some of them- so up themseleves somtimes!)

I also got another email from Time The Bookshop announcing that they will have the LARGEST SALE EVER!!! *gasp gasp* It will be on the 22nd of Feb (for Times care members) and 23rd Feb - 5th of March 2006 for the general public. Opening times are 10am - 8pm (Sun - Thurs) and 10am - 9pm (Preview day, Fri & Sar) at Atria shopping centre in Damansara Jaya. So near my house!!! *gasp gasp* There goes my angpow moneylah... *hehehe*

Then there is an email from Dira who is Aussie now. *boohoohoo* Missing her already as there isnt' anyone to hang out with as I am currently unemployed and have nothing much to do. Sure miss those tea sessions we have... *sigh sigh* Oh well... glad to hear that you are fine and having a good time there *smiles smiles*

Well enough about emails... (see I really am bored huh?)



Yesterday night, I went for Eehan and Shannon's farewell BBQ thingy at Jula's place. It was nice to see all my Stamford friends there. I guess I never really made an effort to make friends there because well... Stamford sucked and I always wanted to leave whenever class ended or I had to go to work right after classes. So I never really made many friends. But the people that were present yesterday was bascially the ppl that I used to hangout with and yes... I wish I had spent more time and made and effort to get to know them a little more. Oh well... who knows in the days to come, eh? And an observation...
Stamford guys are serious FLIRTS!!! -- Terrible!!!



Today, I lazed around in bed for a sinful amount of time reading "The Life of Pi" curled up under my comforter. A storm was raging outside, but I was inside and felt bad for the people working outside. Then I realised I was going to be one of "those people" soon. *sigh sigh* So I curled up deeper under the comforter and promptly put it out of my mind. Then Yin called to say she was outside picking me up for tea.



Rush Dash to get changed I went and soon we were off to The Curve for tea. We met up with Jesiree there and we had a grand time just like "those good old days". It was good to see us still able to talk and laugh just like before though it was evitedent to me that we really had changed. Some of us wiser, some more wild, others got tamer... but all of us still the same at heart. *Hugggsss* Love you both!!!



On the way home, Yin and I were talking about our friends in high shcool and doing the whole "where are they now?" thingy when we saw a jam ahead of us. It was a chinese school that was almost over and anxious parents seemed to have double packed on both sides of the road and were making their way to the school gates to wait for thier kids. PAMPERED-NYA, we said. In our days, our parents were way to busy to pick me up. I had to take a bus and if I missed that I had to walk home. So on and on we bitched up the parents that were huddling around the two main gates for thier kids like people waiting for a clearence sale to start or something... when suddenly Yin asked,

"Do you think that we are going to be like that next time?"
The SILENCE was thick.
And in a shameful whisper I said...

"Yes... I think I will be like that.
I might even carry the kids bag whilest
she or he skips merrily along next to me!"
I looked at Yin and she looked at me...
We both laughed...
*tsk tsk*

Please... Please I need A screw...
What is wrong with my brains???
I reckon them screws are a little lose in there....
SCREW!!! I need a screw!!!

Flowersss...

Me and the flowersss....


Look at the sepet sleepy eyes... *tsk tsk*
(was up reading "The Year of Yes" - recommended!)
Oh this is my Crazy Fairies jammies *hehehe*

~*~*~*~

Spot the Fairies!!!

My 23rd Valentines Day...

I remember that when I was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21 and 22 years old, I would wait every year for Valentines Day to come around. I would browse the card section at Memory Lane and choose the card that I would most like to receive. I would then set about conjuring up images of the crush of the moment (a secret admirer would be alright as well) sending me that card along with a bunch of beautiful roses with babies breath, ribbons, crushed paper and green ferns or some cuddly cute teddy bear.

I remember so clearly every year in school when certain societies would sell roses and cards and stuff like that... and I would fervently pray to receive one... just ONE... from someone the said crush of the moment. Flowers came at times, though they were from wonderful friends of mine (thanks for the thought!) and never from a crush.

So my young idiot self thought that I was never good enough for the bouquets or the stalks or the cards or the gifts and as each year passed, the hope it me dimmed a little. I figured that in life there were: a) the girls that got the damn bouquets every year b) the girls that never got the bouquets or the stalks c) the girls that sent flowers to themselves and pretended that some admirer had sent them and d) the girls that just never really cared about the freaking flowers begin with. I am such a B girl... *sigh sigh*

And so for the past 11 years, I have been waiting...

I have waited hopefully for so long that in some way I stopped believing that the said crush or boyfriend or admirer would ever come. Sure I have gotten flowers before... but never a bouquet on Valentines Day... but things changed on my 23rd Valentines Day.

I GOT A BOUQUET!!!
HOORAH!!! There is HOPE...
There is a God who said...
"ITS TIME FOR
MISS HOPEFUL'S BOUQUET
TO ARRIVE!!!"
*HOORAH!!!*

How silly of me to get so excited about these girly things... me the queen burper herself. But I love flowers and have always loved them and pined for them and now I have them. A magnificent bunch of lovely pink roses with white babies breath, green ferns and gorgeous purple flowers (dont know what they are) all tied with huge assssss pink ribbon and crushed pink and purple paper. Everything I have ever dreamt and fantasised of and wanted! *swoon swoon* What a surprise! *grin grin*

The Possum gave them to me if you we were wondering. He has some pretty interesting things under his sleeve this year. Perhaps he feels me slipping away... maybe he feels like he should buck up... I don't know... but there was the bouquet in his arms this morning when he woke me up at an ungodly hour of 9.36am. I went out squinting in my pj's and there he was with the flowers. I wanted to die and melt in a puddle of mush and goo. Then there was the dinner at Prego's at Westin, the Hallmark Valentines Day card, the whole open the doors thingy and the postcards sent from South Africa. *grin grin* I am smiling now as I type but in my heart I feel bad, I feel guilty and I feel happy all at the same time.

That's the wonder of the human heart is it not? To feel love, contempt, anger, hurt, sadness, jealously, guilt, happiness, hope and joy all at the same time... The night of my 23rd Valentines Day after Prego was spent at Alisan mamak with a couple of my friends and then back home here in front of the pc typing out my thoughts. On a sad note though, I received a message from a friend on Friendster, message 70, and it tore my heart into pieces. I hate messages like that. So I promptly deleted it and realised that it didn't quite matter anymore what the message was... I had known it all along.

So I erase that sad thought from my head, I wipe a tear that strayed from my eye to my cheek and I think of the bouquet and hopeful days to come. Tonight I think I will sleep with a smile on my face. Thanks for remembering how to make me smile when I am adamant on not smiling. Thanks Possum for making one of my dreams come true *smile smile*

It's Done!!!

Its DONE!!!
Finally its OVER!!!

If you are wondering what I am going on about, I just finished my LAST assignment. On one hand I am super happy and excited and not to mentioned relieved that the darn assignments are over and done with... but on the other hand I am sad and melancholic that there will be no more assignments and deadlines to rush for. YES... such a complicated creature I am. Then there is also the nagging thought at the back of my mind about my LAST assignment and how I will do, if I will get a passing mark or an A, which I am honestly hoping for with all my heart.

Anyways, here I am sitting in Starbucks at The Curve with my bro and his gf. This is my first time blogging in a cafe. This is the first thing I doing after handing up my LAST assignment. This is the first thing I do when I join the ranks of the unemployed. Its quite fun really sipping on ice blended chocolate and blogging in a cafe... but its not quite the same cos its not my own laptop and I am wearing seriously ugly clothes and wondering what in Heavens name I am going to do now ~ and I thought after the LAST assignment things were going to be easier.

SO many thoughts are running through my mind that I feel disconnected from my body somehow. All these emotions are seriously tiring and it doesn't help that I haven't slept in more than 32 hours *sigh* Things get so confusing sometimes... why can't things just be easy or less confusing once in awhile??? Perhaps that is too much to ask for, an uncomplicated life. How weird I thought I would be happy that the LAST assignment is over but I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep and just sleep... not that I am tired, but I just want to sleep... because that's the only place that no one can bother me, harress me, hurt me or make me cry.

Oh well... going off to Borders now... maybe I might find some inspiration on the shelves or some sort of present for myself to make me smile alittle. But... I am glad that the LAST assignment is over... so watch out world... here I come!!! but then again, don't wait though... I might take some time!

Sweet Madness

It's back to work for some people but for me I am stillllll at home though today I am up way before noon :) *grin grin* a feat which needed to be mentioned. Going to go to college later to see some friends and get back my assignments which have apparently been sitting there for some time. My last assignment which was supposed to be handed up before CNY started is still a work in progress (please don't yell at me!) though everything is in my head and just needs to be uploaded onto the computer. I wish they had a device for that!

I am not sure why I am writing this but I fear that things are changing way too soon for my liking and I find myself grasping at straws. Perhaps the non-progress of my assignment is because after this one last assignment, I WILL have to work and I am scared of that. I am scared of working! Most of you might think once again that I am being overly dramatic as I have had various jobs before... but they were part time ones or ones that I could leave whenever I wanted to. This time if I work it would be the REAL deal and not something that I can just attend as and when I want.

Then there the the freaking job hunt to go through. The job offers that have been offered to me are either too far, not quite what I want to do or just seriously too little pay. The horror of waking up early and sleeping early is enough to make me feel like crap. Then there is the over time and going in on the weekends and deadlines to juggle and consider *trauma*... So anyways, not knowing what I really want to do leaves me with endless posibilities of where to apply which is not really a good thing as I still don't know if I want to sell my soul to a PR counsultantcy or jounrnalism... choices... choices...

Then there is you. You that promised me a happy ever after. The you that plagues my mind constantly day and night. I find myself at times staring outside the front house windows or the door watching headlights pass my house one after another. Watching for the blinding whiteness of you but you never did come, never did show up and once more you, you tell me that I would see you but I am worried that this meeting will not fall through just like all those other times and I will be left holding fragments of dreams and hopes tattered and torn. Sometimes I wish I could just cut up pieces of my mind so that I wouldn't need to think about you when I don't want to. What is it that you have have that others don't? Why do I keep thinking of you and wishing that you were doing the same?

There is so much I want to say to you and to others around me. How I want to yell and scream at them (and you at times for your silence) when they diss me and when they laugh and mock me with their words like double edged swords. Is it me or is that what friends are for? If that was the case and friends were there sorely to torment you, then I would rather be a hermit living alone doing my own things than to have friends. For what are the use of friends when they puncture your heart with words so sharp you wonder why you are still sitting there across from them calmly listening to the poison that seeps from their lips and into your heart and soul! Spineless me... Silly me... Me that is spirally in this lovely, dangerous, sweet sweet madness.


I am calling all Angels out there, the ones that exist only in my memory, my heart and my mind, to help me through this time. To uplift me in moments of said sweet madness. To help me through this time of transition and change and to help make it a phase in life which will not be as painful or as horrible as I think it will be. I need these Angels to uplift me up and guide me through the right paths and if I happen to fall upon the wrong paths, I pray that they will assist me back to the right ones with as little damage as possible. One can surely hope...

But even as I type, I fear all these thoughts that are jumbled together one on top of the other, might not come out right. Too many thoughts, too little time, too worried, still clutching to hope. Sorry if I am writing too much in a post to small for much. I suppose this is what its like to be lost in sweet madness. To have all these emotions in you, some good and some bad all jumbled up together like some sort of melting pot of emotions.

I am laughing now... I might be crying tears of relief in a couple of hours time while I smile at you through my tears, I perhaps I would just be like I always am, alone in my room wondering where time has gone and watching the shadows grow longer on my wall and the sun disappear for the day... yes... its' sweet madness.



P.S: A blog. MY blog. Anyones freaking blog is meant for them and for their thoughts. Why do people feel that they have the power to critic and to bitch and moan about the content that goes into ones on blog. I honestly could write whatever I truly wanted, using whose nick or name I felt like using and yada yada. Why can't you see that this is MY blog and not yours, so if you find that you have a problem with any content, well then just stop reading MY blog. I am sure I will not regret nor miss your readership.

CNY stories...

The past couple of days have flown by in a flurry of events... some happy, some sad and some real boring. This Chinese New Year was not how I envisioned or hoped it would be... it was in some ways better and in some ways worse.

Usually every year when my relatives come to my place for the first day of the CNY, we will play cards and get all anxious about the game, but this year… this year there were no card games in my house, the first in 22 years. The 2nd day of CNY we celebrated at my aunts house and squeezed in a few rounds of cards and even then there were just a few people and no one even looked remotely excited playing *sigh sigh* To make things worse, my mum was sick and my parents were just grumpy for what reason I will never know... and honestly don't want to know right now!

If it wasn't for some happier moments, this CNY would be just horribly boring and unmemorable. I went with the guys to Common Jacks place for two nights to play cards, went to Ant's place with Tania &Adrian to play cards two nights in a row as well, went to Spongy's place with YNeng, the mamak nights with the guys talking till early in the morning, the incident with Alysia and YNeng in the car, seeing unexpected fireworks right above me, photo snapping with my relatives, unexpected bursts of joy at night complete with blushes, a potluck with my old friends and new books to read ~ absolute bliss. Sure it would and could have been better but then again nothing is perfect. Had a sort of open house but I would rather not talk about it, just that I doubt I will be having one anytime soon.

Some of the best moments I have had this holiday season would be going to sleep smiling and having SMS's from someone that made me blush like a school girl repeatedly (no it was not lewd SMS's) and made me feel like I was on top of the world. Of course there were really bad moments this season as well. Two of my friends grandparents passed away and I felt sad for them and then Clyde passed away too.

For those of you who have clue who Clyde is, he was my tortoise. He lived with Bonnie in their new plastic tank with a fake coconut tree, red bridge and brown ladder. He was sick for awhile and after looking through various forums, I figured he had pnuemonia. The night he passed away, for some reason he woke up from his sleep, opened his eyes and just looked at me for a good 10 seconds and then he gave me a tortoise smile, closed his eyes and went back to sleep.

I had many talks with Clyde about his condition and the next morning when I woke up and went to his tank, he was floating in the water. I think he committed suicide. Some of you guys might think I am being overly dramatic but for a tortoise who hasn't eaten in a week and who is so super weak that he can't even open his eyes, going from the bridge to the water will take a lot of effort and determination. But have your own conclusions and I will stick to mine.

Of course I cried buckets. It was sad having to bury your own pet and even though Clyde couldn't make many sounds other than his wheezing he remains the 2d favourite pet tortoise. I bought a new tortoise today to keep Bonnie happy. His name is Sylvester and he is much smaller than Bonnie and frankly I don’t think Bonnie likes him too much, but we’ll see as time progresses. The Possum is overseas on holiday with his family and strangely I miss him but not as much as I thought and I find myself just doing my own things and not really thinking of him which I guess in some ways is good and bad.

I guess all the major celebrations this year are just… BLAND

but it’s better than it being super horrid.

Hope all of you guys had a wonderful,

happy and blessed Chinese New Year.