3 years ago...

3 years ago today, I would be in SJMC. Lying on one of those starch white bedsheets with the smell of medicine and disinfectant around me. It would be quiet and I would be alone, looking up at the ceiling and wishing I was somewhere else... somewhere far far away would be good. I thought. Maybe if I tried really hard I thought to myself, maybe I could will myself to get better or even better to be out of this horrid place (I hate hospitals - but then again, who does?).

So I close my eyes for the thousandth time and wish so hard, that my eyes start scrunching up and my hands ball into fists, my nails making crescent moons in my palm and I chant to myself that "I am better... I am not here... I am at home..." But when I open my eyes, the white walls face me and the smell of hospitals which is just so distinct, hits me full on and I know that nothing had changed and I that I am still there. For the few days that I was there, my spirit broke and it took me some time to find myself again, and it was a wonder really because had I not been where I was and had I not gone through what I did, I wouldn't be the person I was today. I would have just wasted my life doing unmeaningful things.


Years later, I find myself thinking of the younger me there in that awful place, lonely, and feeling as if the world was coming to an end. Don't be dramatic you tell me... Well the doctors said it was a 50-50 chance that I would be coming out of there alive... so I had the right to be disturbed. My family was going nuts with worry and they were so upset and my bf then, was the pillar of strength at my side, I don't know how I would have gone through it without him, but then again... I might have done it just fine (we didn't work out in the end because I had changed too much after this incident!). The younger me then was strangely alright and accepting for everthing that was going on around her and she later bounced back on her feet and everything then seemed like a bad dream.


As I sit here now, my nails clicking on the keyboard, sipping ice cream soda, I can't help but think back of the girl that I once was. The past few days have unruffled me and left me feeling slightly lost but not in manner of how truly lost I felt before, but lost nonetheless. The problems I faced then and now have differed so greatly and I can see some sort of progression in myself. I no longer am in denial and I know who I am and love myself for it. I might not fully know myself, but I more or less get the gist of "me".

My dilemma the past couple of days has not been resolved actually it is getting worse. I don't know where I stand and being shone one's true colours is sometimes very upsetting. One part of me wants to run away, far away from all this and to just block everything out... but I am not like that. I wasn't built like that... and so I force myself to come face to face with my problems and emotions and deal with it. There are no answers at the moment... there are just so many question marks and anger and I find myself once again staring at walls (though pink this time) wishing I was somewhere else with everything settled. I hate this I really do. I hate anger and the selfishness of money that turns people into monsters. I hate it that when you say something you can never take it back, the damage is done... you can't undo words. I hate the anger and confusion that rages inside me, driving me to do unthinkable things. Writing it all down does help some... but not alot to be honest... and try as I might to will the phone to ring with your voice on the other side, I know that its just me wishing on the wrong stars... As I said before... trying to sound optimistic - tomorrow is a new day.

Things will get better and there is no way to go but up once you reach rock bottom.

~* I am trying to be happy with what I have and I know that one day I might wake up to find it has gone, but where are you? Where do you fit into everything? Are you happy? ~*

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow is another day and we are all given second chances in life on most occasions.

I hope there will be one for us soon...

I miss you...

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

I am sorry...

How Can I...

How can I explain to you what you mean to me?

How can I begin to tell you how you changed my life in so many ways?

How can I tell you that though I love you, I also dislike you?

How can I show you the joy and the pain that you have showered upon me?

How can I express myself to you and show you my confusion and worry in my heart?

How can I live without you?

How can I sing the songs we used to sing and not have you sing along with me?

How can I dance the wiggles knowing that you are not wiggling beside me?

How can I not see you in everything that I do?

How can I forget you?

How can I wake up knowing that there will be no more calls, no more SMSs, no m0re you?

How can I watch you go and not do anything about it?

How can I just put a full stop to this sentence that has not even begun?

How can I exist without you with me?

How can I...

I can...

but its hard.

and you know don't you?

that I still love you...

All these thoughts...

I am silently sitting here with a thousand thoughts flying around in my head bumping into one another and making silent explosions which confuse me, shock me and at times makes me pause to rethink my thoughts, to try to make some sense of everything that is happening. To go back to point A and work my way through this maze and end up with some kind of a solution, is tedious as I don't know where point A really is. I want to make things right this time. I want to do things with a smile on my face knowing that I did it right this time... but its difficult just like it always is.

My foundations are shaky and my room is still in a mess. Reorganising my life is no easy task. Discard and keep... Discard and keep. Piles upon piles of things are scattered in my mind and on my floor. So many memories are taken out to be aired and to be remembered. Some taken out to be smiled upon, some to be frowned upon and even some to be cried over and to be laughed over and then to be stored up again in some place where no one will ever know. Then there are those things that just don't add up. That hang by lose threads.

There are the friends that you need but was never there, perhaps they had something more important to do. Then there are the friends that tell you that you are their world, their best friend and the whole shebang and yet they laugh at you and ridicule you and just treat you bad. And of course there are those that pretend to be your friend so that they can borrow your homework and assignments and use them without risking their brain cells and then there are also those friends that you hold on to for dear life only to realize that they left a long time ago.

I am scared and lonely. My heart is shaky and tears well up behind my eyes. I try to keep them there behind the barricades, but its hard. Friends from my past have come up to me and said that I have changed - more anal, more boring, that suddenly I am not that girl that they knew. Everyone is taking weed they say - its no big deal. Everyone is binge drinking - its no big deal. And the list goes on about what 'everyone is doing' except me. But I am not the least bit bothered because for once in my life I know that this is who I am.

*DreamWeaver* - slightly strange, loves to scrapbook and read, loves to listen to music and have long chats with friends and am overall simple. There are times when I contradict myself and there are times when I do things that shock people and myself but they are done because there was sometimes no choice and sometimes done at the spur of the moment but all in all I have no regrets. I don't need to try weed to see and feel what others do. I do not need to binge drink and wake up not knowing where I am. I don't need to pretend to be someone I am not because I for once know who I am. I can cry when I want to, laugh when I want to and be anything I want to be... if God is willing and if I try my very best.

I am sad and lonely because there are so many people that do not understand, but honestly I don't think I need them to understand. Starting out on ones journey is never easy and I may fall along the way perhaps tomorrow, but I know that as long as I know roughly who I am and I am happy inside, then things will be okay. Its sad that when you grow up you leave behind so manyh pieces of yourself with people and I only hope that they can return me all the pieces of who I was, all that I taught them, all the hope I gave them so that I can remember better who I was and all I stood for before... But its impossible.

Its just me rambling on and on again as awlays. But I know that this time round... somethings have to change. I can't live like this anymore and I don't think I want to.

My Little Vacation...

I was asking God if He could manage a little trip for me after the horror of my first semester of USQ and He did manage it (Thank You God!). My boss called me on Monday and asked me if I was free for a holiday cum working thingy in Penang. I had a class but wanted to skip it anyways... so I packed up my bags and left (Sounds damn nice right - packed up my bags and left!) KL for a 3 days 2 nights stay in Penang.

To sum up the whole trip, well it was alright. I did get my holiday and though I had an infected eye during the trip, everything went well. I got free flights, food, accomadation and a free body spa at this wonderful spa place in The Gurney (I stayed there too!). Not only do I get everything for free, but I get allowances everyday and also am paid for the reviews which I will do (Please refer to FACES August Issue 2005 - The All Malaysian Issue!).

My eye is better, met an old friend in Penang, I have more DVDs to add to my collection (I bought 'Gone With The Wind', 'Breakfast At Tiffanys', 'Moulin Rogue', Star Wars Ep 4-6 with a bonus DVD and 'Bedknobs and Broomsticks'.) and am slightly refreshed, rejuvenated and am starting to reorganize my life. I haven't been back long for my trip but already I feel the pressures mounting on me. I guess that is life and I have to deal with it.

The bunny is back in KL with her wings slightly bent and crooked with all the flying she has had to do and with a slightly sore eye to boot, but overall she is looking pretty alright. There is a long journey ahead of her and her wings might tire her out some... but she is alright... she knows she can make it. So the bunny puts on her little bonnet and folds her crumpled wings up and snuggles up in bed...

"Tomorrow is a new day", she says...

Tommorow is a new day...

* Phew *

*Phew* Finally, my assignments and things have been completed for this semester. Feels like a huge arse burden has been lifted off my shoulders *AMEN*. Sure I have a couple more things to get done, but then I am just so glad that the USQ shite has been done already. Whoops! There's more work to do for FACES before the end of the week though for today I am just gonna have a nice time wacthing movies, reading my books and looking for my tortoise which has disappeared again... He has taken to crawling about the house, the little rascal.

Everything Will Be Alright

Reading: JOHN 15:1-11

"Every branch that bears fruit, He prunes, that it may bear more fruit."

JOHN 15:2

In every vinetard, a vine dresser prunces the branches so that they will produce more fruit. in a spritual sense, our Heavenly Father must deal with us in a similliar ways at times- by pruning our lives. It isn't only the dead branches that go, but sometimnes even the living and vital ones must be cut back so that better and more bountiful fruit may grow.

Many different circumstances may serve as a prunig knife in the hands of the Master Vinedresser. It may be the rejecting gesture, the unkind word, or no word as all. It could be the frustration of living in a constant state of noice and ocnfusion, with daily duties and no chance to find a quiet place to call our own. Or it might be waiting for God to intervene when everything seems hopeless and we have no friends to help us.

But the pruning knife is guided by a loving set of hands. The Master Vinedresser knows what we can take, and He knows what we can become - more loving, joyful, tranquil, tolerant, kind, dependable, gentle, poised - stronger and better than we are today. We must not shrink from the knife but trust the hand that holds it. Our Father in Heaven has a purpose - to produce good fruit in us. - David Roper

This is my first time I think posting up scripture. I guess I haven't exactly been a model Christian/Catholic. I am not sure why that is. I guess I went through some rough patches and decided that there were no more solid smooth ground. But I know better now. Like any relationship, after some times apart, it is hard to get back on to where you once were. Thats how I feel now. It is hard to be a good Christian/Catholic in this world. So many things that have been instilled within me are contradictory. Somethings I have learnt are contradcitory as well and that left me unsure of where to turn. Then again, things have happened to test this faith of mine which I guess was not much of a faith really.

I am trying hard though... to be a better person. As they say, everything starts with yourself. I can't help save the world, if I can't help myself and before I can do anything I have to love myself. I don't know if I do sometimes. The "pruning knife" mentioned above has really cut me, so to say. Parts of my life and as each day goes by I am healing. But the part that is missing leaves and emptiness (hence the void - read the pass blogs).

Yet whatever life has in store for me, today, tomorrow and in the months and years to come, I trust that the Master Vinedresser knows what I can take and what I can't. If I look back over my life, where I was and where I have come from and where I am now, I will see a slow progression from an Idealist to a Realist, from a Princess to a common citizen, and from a happy-go-lucky person to a slightly bitter cynical person. In some ways it seems sad, but I think that at this moment, it is a good balance for me. To know my self worth, to know when to say "NO", to know when to take out the fairy tales and the time to take out the textbooks, facts and figures, to know when to give in, to know how to stand up and speak up about what I feel and believe in... I think I know a little bit more about "me" now.

Yes, HE knows what we can become - more loving, joyful, tranquil, tolerant, kind, dependable, gentle, poised - stronger and better than we are today. I have a friends who can verify this. We are all stand here, my girlfriends and some boyfriends, showing our scars; some still healing, some still bleeding, some fading... but we are stronger because we share a common bond of friendship and we made it and we are much better now that the storm has passed and though there will be more storms and adversities in our life and though we may fall and hurt and be back to square one again, we know that in the end, HE is there for us and in the end, everything will be alright.

***~***~***

Just For You

"I pray all day, I pray all night,

I hope you hear what I say,

But millions of prayers wouldn't bring you back,

Because Heaven keeps you far away."

***~***~***

"Aussie Days"

Much has changed since those

"Aussie Days"

as I fondly put it...

I sometimes wake up and long for a nice piping hot meat pie, refreshing orange and passion fruit juice and raspberry and apple flavoured drinks, delicious flaky apple turnover, and delicious chicken and corn rolls and of course the corn thins and cinnamon doughnuts from Woolies, and my host dads cabonara and host mums Jackies chicken (my Aussie mates would think me silly for missing these things... but if they didn't have them for 5 years they would understand how I feel!)

As Neeky says "oh....you could say....this is what reminds me of temora....alcohol...good friends...and a pole"... I will add and say, nights at the Westie, JD in a can, Bundeburg Rum and sheep sheds... *grin* Can't wait to return and not only eat the awesome food they have over there but to see my lovely mates over there. Neeky, Liz, Mark, Kylie, Sah, Dane and all my other friends... (if they are still around and if they remember me!)

So please remember to donate to the

"SEND-JOANNE-TO-AUSSIE-FUND"

and put a smile on her poor sad face.

Fav Qoute from Aussie:

(In memory of farwell speech in Temora)

"Do you like cats?"

"I like cats... they taste like chicken!!!"

Donations and Pledges are most welcome!

Thanks yous...

*hugsss*