And I find peace again

On Thursday, 16 July... My house got violated. To read about the whole sordid incident, please go to BeeStink's blog.

I do not have the mood or the patience to write about it again... or perhaps I just don't want to recall what happened. I don't want it to torment me anymore. Eveytime my parents go out and I am alone at home, they tell me that I don't need to lock all the doors in the house. They tell me that no one is going to come. I don't know if they tell me this to find their own comfort, or to give me comfort...

I think they refuse to think about the what-ifs 'cos they too are afraid.
Anyways, I finally have the time to write some of my thoughts down about this incident.

~*~*~*~

Fear drips from my pores
Lingers in me and around me
But I hide it carefully under layers of skin.
Every sound rocks my core
Pushes me to the edge of anxiety.

I replay scene after scene in my mind
Trying to figure out if things could have been different
If I could do things better.
I wonder why it happened?
Why here? Why now? Why us?
I torture myself with what-ifs,
The kind that make your skin crawl
That make salty tears roll down
One after the other in quick succession.
That leaves a metallic taste in my mouth.
That makes me want to regurgitate everything inside of me.

It torments me.

Every creak and groan of my house sets me alert
And I am tired but I cannot rest
Cannot find peace.
Sleep eludes me.
I wake up from my light slumber
Every time the wind blows,
Or the house creaks.
I imagine them lurking in the dark of night
And I am filled with unwanted fight.

I search for a way to ease my troubled soul
To write, to speak to churn out these thoughts.
But I find no one around me,
I find no inspiration.
I only find the metallic acrid taste.
Of fear.
Of worry.
Of torment.

Then I remember the one place
I can could truly feel safe,
And that was in Your tender arms,
Your tender embrace.
The only peace I find
Are in Your words
That comfort my troubled soul.
And I turn to You
And I find the calm and solace
That I have been searching for.
I find You.
You soothe me,
You saved me from drowning,

My foot from slipping.

You hold out Your hand,

I take it.
And I find peace again.

Then What?

I think it’s easy to live in the now.
To be all in with your chips
Hoping the next card will win it for you.
To blow your next months paycheck
Before it even gets out on a much needed wardrobe.
To take a trip on a sailing ship
Or to fly to some wonderland on credit.
To love recklessly, to love fully,
Entirely, just for right now.

But when tomorrow comes
And your hand is the weakest at the table
And you have no more chips to play with,
When the bank comes a knockin’
And he’s found someone newer,
A better looking version in a dress...

Then what?

Beautiful words

Beautiful words pour from your lips
Like delicious fruit.
Ripe with hope and promise.
Should I believe these words are for me
Or is something so good meant for another?
Or are these ornamental words in disguise
the kind of the words that will render me
Broken, barren and lost?

My drafts

I have heaps of
half baked
half knit
half crafted
half thought about
half inspired
drafts for my blog
sitting in my folder.

I long to take the drafts out to
examine them
finish them
embellish them with my thoughts
sprinkle them with magic
weave my feelings into them.

But the moment passes.
Time moves on
and I find myself still standing silently
gazing off into the middle distance
rooted in the same spot
while the world moves on around me.
I am waiting patiently for a sign
a monumental moment
hands outstretched to rescue me
and my eyes turn to You
and I am comforted
for I know that You love me
irregardless of everything.
And my heart is stilled.
And I exhale.
I breathe.

I open a new document and
my thoughts come tumbling out
and I begin another draft.

For...

For the lonely
For the beggarman on the street.
For the lost.
For the confused.
For the ones at the crossroads.
For the dreamers who are grasping on to their dreams for dear life.
For the unemployed.
For the retrenched.
For the wrongly accused.
For the grieving.
For the sick.
For the ones we miss.
For the ones that have departed.
For the handicapped unable to get down on all the steps at the monorail.
For the old lady that has to go through the trash each day searching for trash,which to her are treasures.
For the grasscutter on the highway looking at the long expense of grass he has yet to cut under the hot blazing sun.
For the orphaned and the widowed.
For those unloved.
For those unwanted.
For those who are barren.
For those who make their home where ever they lay their head.
For the oppressed.
For the war victims.
For the lost flora and fauna.
For the women who have no equality.
For those with the world on their shoulders.
For those that cry alone at night.
For the victims.
For the heartbroken.
For the cleaners who clean up our messes.
For those whose voices are not heard.
For those who search but never find.
For those that look but do not see.
For those whose hearts are made of stone.
For the ones whose magic is lost.
For the ones who have struggled for everything in their lives.
For those who never had a break in their lives.
For the homeless.
For the forgotten.
For the torn.
For the nurses that look after the sick.
For the sacrifices unnoticed.
My tears falleth for you.
My hopes and prayers are with you.

The heart

~ The heart would die had it no hope ~

keep me safe

i FeAr death and all his friends

- keep me safe God