total opposite

I truly enjoyed the day as it started out but now it’s the total opposite.
I just want to trudge home in the rain and watch the world pass me by.

Complicated Love

It’s sad how we often complicate love

which is the simplest most basic and available thing we have

and can give to others.

Crummy

I feel a little crummy today
It’s because of my hurting tummy
I feel a little crummy today
Perhaps I should have just stayed in bed

My 1 Year Anniversary

It’s been a year since I joined The Bank.

I can’t believe it! A whole year since I have sat at this very cubicle doing all sorts of work. I remember being asked to go for the interview at The Bank. ME, work in such a bank much less a chingchong bank such as this? NO WAY! What's more, I hate numbers and economics... Banking and Finance, so NOT me.

But then, Sunshine said that I should go, to just see what it was like and who knows I might like what the offer. I remember arriving late for my interview and was drenched in sweat. I remember meeting my CL my boss and thinking to myself that she had nice undergarments on. I remember rattling on about heaven knows what and I remember thinking that it wouldn’t be too bad working here. An hour or so later, they called me to tell me I got the job and that I had to revert on my interest in 2 days time… I would start almost immediately. So I said yes simply because they offered me what I wanted, the benefits were pretty good and I was to get almost free rein over the department. I remember my folks were also super happy to hear about my job at The Bank. They always harbored dreams that I would join The Bank.

A year down the road and I wonder if it was worth it. I hardly took any time off this year - I have 15 and a ½ days left of leave. Work took up so much of me and I had to and still have to work with v.difficult people and yet surprisingly enough I find myself liking what I do. I don’t drag my feet to work every morning (although there are days when I just wish I could stay in bed the whole day) unlike how it was at the hovel previously. I continuously think of new ideas and ways to make my department more manageable, organized and efficient though its hard with me being the only one around… hahaha. Sometimes, I can’t believe its only been a year but the marked days off the calendar tell me that yes, it is one year.

Well, work has honestly came me sane. Through breakups, blowups, fedups and everything in between, work has always been my constant. In a way, it’s kinda sad to even write that… but with work I know pretty much what to do and where I fit in… but with life and the great big world out there, I don’t quite know where I fit in and where I belong.

Yeah, I am in sorta new phase in my life again...
A phase that is risky, exciting, scary, euphoric and pretty much a combination of emotions as most new phases/things are. I don’t know how things might turn out to be, but I think its going to be a good one.

So here’s to one year at The Bank and to a new phase in my life. To all the people that have played such an instrumental role in my life at The Bank, a big big thank you. For rides to and from work, for breakfasts, lunches, teas, dinners, after dinner drinks, parties over the weekend, trips to shopping centres, waterfalls, just chilling out, super long emails. chats on the phone and just being friends... a big big thanks *smiles smiles smiles*

Goodbye August

Goodbye August.

You will be missed.

Designs

The designs of the past cannot be undone,
nor can they be erased from ones memories.
Burned and engraved so deeply into the skin,
they remain a vital part of us for time to come.
But the designs of the present,
are constantly being created,
some with intricate care,
some with strokes so alarmingly disastrous
you crave to undo them once they are released from your grip…
and undo them you can.
For with each tick of the hands of time,
there is a chance to change,
to paint with different colours,
to sing a different tune,
to dance to a different rhythm,
to walk a different path.
Then at the end of the day
We will face the mirror of life,
naked, stripped away of it all,
with only the intricate patterns
of a life lived etched onto the skin.
and I hope that on that day
you will be beside me
still loving and accepting me even till the end.

Lucky

Do you hear me,
Talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you,
I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

She hoped...

She asked:
Do you really know what you are doing?

She stammered:
I am not quite sure... I sorta do.

She smirked:
You should really think about this... you might lose it all.

She hoped:
This time it would be different.

She laughed:
Ever the dreamer you are.

NightSwimming

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.

The photograph on the dashboard, taken years ago,

Turned around backwards so the windshield shows.

Every streetlight reveals the picture in reverse.

Still, its so much clearer.

I forgot my shirt at the waters edge.

The moon is low tonight.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night.

I'm not sure all these people understand.

Its not like years ago,

The fear of getting caught,

Of recklessness and water.

They cannot see me naked.

These things, they go away,

Replaced by everyday.

Nightswimming, remembering that night.

Septembers coming soon.

Im pining for the moon.

And what if there were two

Side by side in orbit

Around the fairest sun?

That bright, tight forever drum

Could not describe nightswimming.

You, I thought I knew you.

You I cannot judge.

You, I thought you knew me,

This one laughing quietly underneath my breath.

Nightswimming.

The photograph reflects,

Every streetlight a reminder.

Nightswimming deserves a quiet night, deserves a quiet night.

I need a sign or a spade

I often wonder about life and the way that everyone is intrinsically linked with one another. How our lives weave in and out of each others, and how we never really see the fine threads that link each one of us.

Neither do we really know the going ons in each others lives. The lives that we live in secret behind the scrutiny and prying eyes of them, the judges, the people around us. We will never hear the words uttered in the middle of the night, the SMS's exchanged, the promises whispered, the emotions shared, the comfort exchanged... for when the morning light comes, the mist and the shadows disappear and everything goes back to the way it once was.

And things remain secret... till the grave we take our solemn secrets and shared moments. Moments already forgotten by some. Words that once vibrated through the very core of our being falls on dead silent ears. The phone stops ringing. The SMS's don't appear and we wait like silent sentinels for a sign, a beacon of hope.

And we wait. We wait like war brides for the return of our one true love. We wait like the parched desert for rain. We wait and search the dark dingy cellars of our heart for a ray of light, for a sign of hope... and like clockwork, the tears fall and the heart sighs, breaks into a thousand pieces. And yet again, you find yourself at the arduous task of re-piecing your heart back and just like all the kings horses and all the kings men, you will realise that just like the poor Humpty Dumpty of old, you cant never be put back again.

So, here I sit in the darkened dining hall, straining my eyes to type in the glare of the screen. I should be asleep to avoid having panda eyes and to be able to wake up for church tomorrow... and yet I had to write. I am not drunk, though if I was I could blame it on the drink, but I am not so these words are solely my own.

Three days of holidays and I do nothing. I conveniently put these things aside. Store them away thinking that time is always on my side, this things can be done another day. Another day, another hour, another minute. BUT I realised that it can't be another day, another hour, another minute. It has to be now or never. You rush things they say and you don't get it right and yet if you don't do anything at that precise moment, the blardy moment passes you by. Such contradictions rubbed in my face. Words spoken and then taken back. Actions done and then taken back.

Never good enough. Never had the song right. Never danced right. Never spoke right. Never had the looks right. Never got the grades right. Never had the timing right. Never thad the weight right. Never had anything right.

I missed all the points and signs and all these happened, because, I ask for it. I could have said NO. I could have walked away but I stood still and waited. I knew what was coming, practically had the whole canvas painted in my mind and yet, I am still waiting when my mind tells me to bolt. 'Run idiot. Run,' my mind screams at me and I like the village idiot, the guffawing buffoon, stands stock still waiting for a sign from the Heavens. What more is there to say? What other words can be uttered? What can be done?

So here I stand... waiting. Not bolting as of yet. Wishing that I could bury the ubiquitous thoughts of you that linger everywhere I turn. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say. I need a sign or a spade.

I revisited my past today

I revisited my past today and I thought of you again.

You said you thought of me too.

I said that I missed you and you said you missed me too.

Then I wondered why you weren't right next to me

and then I realised that after all was said and done,

I was still not what you wanted.

So I decided to pay for a good pair of running shoes.

Photos

I was going through my photo albums

and I chanced upon the photos of us.

I saw photos of us before it all began.

I remember a mixture of happiness and unpredictability

for I was threading on uncertain ground

and then there was

that tinge of sadness for what I had previously lost...

but that tinge was of course hidden, masked away in the

joy and excitment of it all but it was still there nonetheless

on the surface of my skin.

I also saw the photos after it all happened.

I remember with a heavy heart

the sadness captured so perfectly in my eyes,

the salty tears that fell

that rolled from my checks

creating tracks of bitterness.

I remember the pain in my heart which was so intense

the pain that choked me

that shrivelled my insides

and I think back and wonder why I put myself through it all.

Why I allowed myself to feel this way.

I then flipped through the photos that followed thereafter.

I remember so vividly the amalgamation of emotions,

see-sawing precariously between happiness and sadness,

hope and despair, euphoria and emptiness.

The dreams that floated right before my eyes

the ones that I kept away secretly in the recesses of my heart.

And now, I cannot bear to see the photos anymore.
I am keeping them away again for another day when I am stronger.

Or for the day when you return to me.