suddenly...

My friends mum passed away today…
Suddenly acne and weight gain, losing hair

and wondering about what to eat just doesn’t seem so important anymore…
Suddenly all the mundane mumblings and groanings

I once had just sounds silly to my ears…
Suddenly promotions, deadlines and assignments don’t matter anymore…
Suddenly everything I thought was important and “essential” isn’t quite so…
Suddenly all I want to do is run home

and hug my parents and brother and tell them I love them…
Suddenly I just want to call all my friends

and say how much they mean to me and how I value their friendship…
It’s just sad that it takes things like this to put life into perspective.

Under The Chubbyhole!

So finally the weekend is here and I am sitting underneath this staircase (think shoe-cupboardish-Harry-Potter-like-chubbyhole) in Sunshine's house and actually wishing I had this little alcove in my home where I could hide away and just potter around doing my arts and crafts, reading or just writing. It would be just lovely...

There would be wooden booksheleves filled with my coffeetable books (my mum refuses to put any of my coffeebooks on the coffee table as she says that no one would actually bother to read em which actually is quite right - the people who frequent my home prefer to plonk down infront of the telly watching brainless crap all day!), my lovely but limited hardcovered books, my doggy-eared slightly old books from my childhood, the books (all pristine btw) that have kept me company from then till now, loads of craft and fashion magazines, my old comics and the new books with their unmistakable "new book" smells and of course the various text books that I have come to love (yes I am a slight freak).



Of course there would be my lovely desk top, my various knick-knacks, soft but not too soft pillows, a throw rug or two on the floor, an awesome surround sound system, a uber comfy chair (which can be used for my sessions in front of the computer or for when I would like to just sit and read and enjoy a glass of iced tea. How could I forget also the table (where I will be doing my arts and crafts) and storage space to fit all my arts and crafts stuff (I have this book which shows you how to store your stuff more effectively).

Hmm... ok... looking back at said requirements, I guess all this stuff can't possibly fit under the shoe-cupboardish-Harry-Potter-like-chubbyhole. *Tsk Tsk* I guess I would need a bigger room (sponsors anyone?) ... Anyways moving along from thinking that all my stuff could fit under the chubbyhole thingy.........

In the morning, I woke up super early - I usually don't even wake up this early on normal days to go to work - and had to go to my companies designer to meet with a client (not my client) and to get some work done. Was helping out some other colleague of mine and was questioning my sanity in doing so. But everything went well and it's good to know that you helped several people out. A friend told me that you should try and do as much as you can for others in the hope that they would do the same in their lives. His logic is that if everyone were to help everyone else and not expect anything in return, the world would be a much better place to live in. Sounds like something I would have come up with, right? (talk about freaky to find someone who talks like me... but it's great to know that I am not alone anymore in my quest to save the world and make it a better place)



So here I am at 11.38am typing away when I usually would be sound asleep under the comforters dreaming of happy things. Saturday stretches before me and once more I understand why people wakeup early on weekends. It seems that I could be jolly doing anything I wanted and still have time. In awhile I will going to do some scouting around for business opportunities and hopefully this little trip I will be taking will be fruitful. I expect to be drenched in sweat, but all of a good cause - more on this later! After that its off to Bangsar for a little session with the girls over cakes and coffee... yum yums...

This will be followed with perhaps a walk in the park, dinner and a marathon of "Prison Break" which I am currenly watching. I hope I don't fall asleep though. Hmmm... I don't even know why I am blogging on a Saturday but I glad I am. I will end this little entry with a wish that everyone have a wonderful weekend and may this weekend be filled with little pleasant surprises... the ones that make you smile and lightens the heart.



I am off to see the world and to take one step closer to my "one days"...
Wish me luck...

Little Things

Life is a great bundle of little things." -Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809-1894)

The past couple of days have been normal. Nothing much has happened…
I thought that I would be wreck after the ‘emotional drama’ that occurred previously but the tears are few if any. At times it seems as the incident happened so very long ago and not just in a span of a few days/weeks. I tried calling the Possum to just talk but he refuses to pick up the call. I don’t blame him for that yet in many small ways as I have already expressed, I miss him.

Work has been alright. Have been assigned to do some copywriting on top of my PR stuff which is fine by me though a pay raise, job appreciation and more interesting topics could be a much needed bonus ~ alas, its just wishful thinking once more! I do notice though that I am getting more ac-freaking-ne, my hair is falling and am putting on weight at an alarming rate though I eat less, have cut down so much on alco, chocs and all things nice. I wake up early every morning (ok ok… I sleep in sometimes during the weekend), have 3 main meals a day, cut away supper, snack less (these days its just raisins and nuts – I sound like a squirrel) and still I AM LIKE THIS!!! *tsk tsk*

Previously before working, I was a total bum who slept at 6am and woke up at 2pm. Snacked every other hour on really yummy indulging foods, did not eat breakfast and watched TV and sat on my bum like almost the whole entire day and I was thinner and had so much better skin and had relatively healthy glossy hair. *sigh sigh sigh* I am trying to go on a diet and have taken to walking up instead of taking a lift to the office. 3-4 times a week I will be going to the park/Kiara Hill for a spot of outdoor cum sporty activities. If that still does not work I will be going to the doctors because it is unnatural for me to be in this predicament. I am worried about this and my mum is starting to freak out as well. *fingers crossed that I will lose some weight and that my face will return to its former loveliness-acne less*

Other than that, I might be starting some small business. Doing what you ask… well I can’t tell you yet… perhaps soon when I get things finalized properly and some steps are taken to unsure that there the plan is underway. Have also thought about going back to studying part time via distance learning for my Masters in Public Relations but after looking around I realize that its super expensive (RM45-52,000.00) and would be too taxing for me. So I guess I will be investing instead in reading materials and wade through the net for information.

Before I forget, I would like to thank once again all those people who have been there for me during the confusing and sometimes heart wrenching moments when I had to make “the decision to leave”, for the kinds words left on the tag board, the comments, the SMS’s and the calls. For the other close friends I had who never knew of this stage in my life and who just let me go through it alone, on one hand I hurt knowing that you did nothing to console me but on the other hand I guess you all had your own things in life to deal with… I just wanted to say that if you should ever need me I will always be here still and the hurts are forgiven and the slate wiped cleaned again.

(On with my train of thoughts…) Suddenly these days I am filled with all kinds of ideas and all kinds of dreams that I want fulfilled. Suddenly there is a reason to go to work and to do the best that I can. Suddenly I look forward to sleeping at night and waking up in the mornings. Suddenly I love the weekends and every spare moment I can find. I feel like there is just not enough time these days and though I am tired I find myself staying up to read more and more of the books I love or doing the things that I enjoy.

Why this sudden change? Well for one I would like to say a big ‘thank you’ to Sunshine who has helped me try and live life and for the excessive inspiration which he is only too willing to share with me and for the ways in which he has honestly, brightened up my days. Every day seems more fulfilling, life seems more alive and dreams more attainable. I am not a completely “new” person since I met him, but I can say that I am a much happier person. I still have my insecurities and negatives lurking around in me somewhere but at the moment, they hardly dare to surface.

There are so many things I want to write about… thoughts that happen to flit through my mind, things that are bothering me, my passions, my observations and the like. But such is the life that I lead now that I don’t have the time to sit in one place for too long to write and when I do have the time. The words don’t really come out the way I want them too. Perhaps in time, you will all get to read the things I really want to write about. I guess I need much better time management to facilitate this (am working on it).

Anyways I should be off now… lunches is almost over. Missing so many of you and wishing that we could meet up soon, but in the mean time *hugs hugs* Have a wonderful remaining week ahead.

P.S: Yes, Life is a great bundle of little things and I can’t wait to unwrap each of these little things *smiles smiles*

I am sorry.

I want to turn back and run back to you...

but I can't...

I am sorry.

I am sorry for breaking your heart...

For giving up... for leaving you this way...

I still care for you... and

I know you probably hate my guts and what I have done

but I can't go back...

I have chosen to dance on under the gaze of the Sun...

I have chosen to delve into this Fairy Tale.

Fairy Tale perhaps???

I used to look with trepidation towards the future because of the uncertainty that awaited me there… but things are changing. The dreams that I put away on shelves labeled “one day” are slowly being pulled down and dusted to be reviewed again for consideration.

I have wanted to write so many times, to pour out my feelings and my thoughts on to this Piece of Heaven… I usually will log on to blogspot and start typing but then the words just freeze in my mind and all these thoughts collide into each other, overlapping each other, making my mind spin and twirl...

They are still doing that, these thoughts of mine but I guess in some ways the thoughts are settling down... and my life is getting a to be alittle more in order.

Much has happened in the span of my last entry. Nothing monumental that will be recorded in history books but something colossal in my own life. Some of you have been fortunate (or cursed?) to know the inner dealings of my tumultuous love life and well for those who are wondering what is going on, well its over.

Stepping out of any relationship is hard but I think that this was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. Sure it was anything but a smooth relationship for the Possum and I but I still do care for him even though we are no longer in a relationship.

… I guess our relationship was over a long time ago, but the reason why it went on the way it did was that there were certain things to hold on to… certain happy times that we clung on to and some wonderful days that were few and far in between but were there nonetheless.

I feel sad that it had to end. The Possum has been a great source of joy in my life though at the same time a great source of pain. It is these conflicting emotions that have dulled my insides and made me say goodbye. There were times I wanted to ‘take it back’, to tell him that it was a mistake of a hasty mind and uncontrollable tongue… but I know that I can’t go back… not now at least.

My mum thinks that I was being rash in doing what I did and my other family members are just shocked at the turn of events. Some people saw it coming, others were just too tired to wait for this endless bickering to end and some were just shocked that it happened.

But it has happened… we are no more… the Possum and the SugarBunny are just memories now. But how do you truly forget someone and put them away? Boxes just don’t work anymore… strangely though, my heart no longer wrings itself when I see photos of us, it merely is a dull throb that lulls away.

I guess some people are wondering how come I am not in shambles like how I was in my last relationship that ended, but I guess as I have said before, I guess our relationship was over a long time ago. I wept the other day, the day I said goodbye but that was all (for now?)…
There are so many things to look forward to and the emergence of someone else has helped greatly. Sometimes I wonder if the long awaited Fairy Tale I waited for has finally arrived… has finally unfolded in front of me.

I the weaver of my Dreams, I the Dreamer and believer of Fairy Tales might finally have a happy fairy tale to tell…

And what of you that still plagues my life every now and then? I guess you like the Possum will be put away ever so gently so that my life may be able to move forward and that I may begin a new chapter in my life without having to have that phantom love I was always chasing…

And yes… the Sun does shine when we least expect it to and drives the clouds of sadness and pain away and makes the magically rainbows gleam right in front of you so much so that you can reach out and touch it and smile with a twinkle in your eye and a contented sigh on your breath… and everything seems to fall right into place...