I...

I thought I would do a little survey of sorts on and off. Its pretty interesting I think... or maybe I am just a boring person... hehehe.... *grin*

I...

always ~ keep in mind that everything happens for a reason and that is a purpose and season for everything under the sun.

ask ~ questions all the time... but most of the time no one can answer me.

am ~ a little strange, a little wierd, a little lonely, a little mad and a little crazy... but I am mostly normal.

am not ~ that fat though there are some people that certainly think I am but as G has said many times "Up their's lah!"

believe ~ that there is a God and that He loves us unconditionally and He forgives us for every wrong doing and I believe that there are Angels amongst us and that they lift us up in moments of despair and sadness, and when we are happy they rejoice along with us.

breathe ~ so that I can live. In and out the air goes circulating through my lungs. There was once when I couldn't breathe and I was so afriad that I was going to die - GAH!

can't help ~ but think about my childhood these days. There were so many good memories in my childhood. I wish that I could have a look at the child version of me and just give that child a hug.

care ~ for so many people and so many things. I shouldn't care for things as they are not alive, but I strangely feel some connection with my things... yes told you I was a little wierd...

called ~ your name over and over again and at that time I didnt' think you knew I was calling for you... but I was wrong. You were there all along. It was I that did not know see you right beside me.

cuss ~ more often these days though I am trying my very best to stop it. I shouldn't swear so much and should have a tighter rein on my tongue.

crave ~ a big plate of Famous Amos chocolate chip cookies, a plate of chicken rice from Satellite, an ice blended Ultimate from Coffee Bean and some french fries from Chilies, oh and a long holiday somewhere nice like western Europe with my family and the Possum!

care ~ for almost everything. I tend to care for the strangest things like terrapins, caged raccoons in pet shops, the poor children in Africa and everywhere else and cleaners in night clubs.

cry ~ quite a lot. I cry when I am happy, when I am sad, when I laugh too much, when I feel like everything is hopless, during movies, when I listen to sad songs, when I think of the people I love that I have lost, when I look through the boxes of memories, when I hurt myself, when I get shitty grades for my exams, when I don't have what I want and... I basically cry whenever I feel like it.

SuRpiSiNg JoYs ^_^

Today I had some surprising joys. What are surprising joys you must be wondering? Well they are the little unexpected bouts of joy and happiness that you get out of the little mundane things or the things suddenly happened expectedly. They aren't life changing (there are the odd life changing cases here and there every once in awhile) but they make your day a better one.

My day started off like any normal day. I pressed the snooze button a couple of times, had a pleasant wake up conversation with the Possum who was a little hyper (too much sugar in his nescafe?) and who kept repeating my name over and over again in a sing-song voice - not pleasant when one is still half asleep really.

Anyways, I continued reading "3 Weeks With My Brother" and lazed around in bed till an indecent hour (I am ashamed to mention it even!) and decided to watch a DVD. I rifled through my collection and pulled out "The Upside Of Anger" starring Kevin Costner and Joan Allen (I think thats her name). It was pretty good and thought provoking.

After watching the movie, reading a couple more pages of the book, I finally decided to do something more productive. I checked my email and my USQ homepage and BAH! got my results. I got pretty shitty results for my first assigment - Double DANG! I started feeling shittier by the minute but somehow I guess I was tired of feeling shitty over stupid papers that I tried my best at. So when Nic asked me to follow him to 1 Utama I went. We had fun just chatting and all that and I had a rather good dinner at SEED Cafe. After that it was on to do a little bit of grocery shopping and then I went to the Possums place where I watched another DVD "Calander Girls" - it was a laugh and quite inspirational; made me think of doing a semi-nude calender before every inch of me becomes nore dimpled, saggy and wrinkled...

And now here I am at 2.14am in my computer room tapping on the keyboards and listening to Santana 'CorazonEspinado'. So what were the surprising joys I had encountered... well here they are in no particular order.

~ I found my honey sugar almonds which the Possum had bought for me a couple of days ago. I thought I had lost it but was atcually under a pile of stuff in my handbag. Yum... am eating one right now... *crunch crunch crunch*

~ I was walking around with Nic on our way to our car when we passed the shop Hang Ten and suddenly I heard a Christmas Carol. I instantly thought I was crazy and looked towards the shop and was sure it was coming from there. I looked at Nic and it was confirmed - I am NOT that mental, they were really playing a Christmas Carol in the middle of August! GAH! Bring out the decorations its Christmas - FYI: Christmas is the most favouritest time of the year!!!
* I bought a Disney Christmas Cartoon (orignial one mind you) VCD yesterday. It has "The Small One"... My most favourite Christmas cartoon when I was a wee little youngin'.

~ I went to Giant and there were mini Cornettos, Magnums and Almond flavoured ice creams for sale. To hell with the diet I thought... its a sign that I can eat some of the ice cream just in small portions. So into the basket went 2 boxes. One for me and the other for the Possum.

~ At the Possum's house, I stepped into his room and was super amazed to see it so clean. I was envious for a moment as my room looks like a hurricane and blizzard went through so much so that there is fine layer of dust on the surface of almost everything - GAK! I really will clean up...... soon. But honestly there is just something in the messiness and chaotic feel to my room that I love though I wish all the dust would just disappear! The Possum said that he had decided to clean it because he felt like making me feel more comfy in his room... awww... I later found a whole stack of stuff under his table... hehehe!

My Mess!

~ On the way home, the Possum and I had 2 mini adventures (we can't disclose details of our mission). We went out of the way for some investigative business and were pleasantly surprised at the outcome. He is so much like a girl it is scary. We had triple the laugher today which is always good.

~ The moon is extra bright tonight and the sky is beautiful and the wind was soothing. Perfect!

See nothing that great or grand right? But it has made my day to much nicer and happier. Some of my friends think that I am unhappy thanks to the previous few posts, but NO... I am honestly happy and am not deluded as I was before. I know that nothing is perfect but I am happy nevertheless. So I end this post with a prayer that I all of you have SuRpiSiNg JoYs each and every day of your lives and may you always be aware of these joys in your life. *Hugsss*

Trying @ the ParK!

I have been recently concerned about my weight.

Perhaps its because my clothes feel a little snug, or the fact that my friends have said ever to bluntly that I am looking "healthier" - thanks for the observation by the way! So in order to TRY and lose some kilos or grams or pounds - doesn't matter how much I lose, I just want to lose some - I decided that instead or loitering around 1Utama for the 2nd day in the row looking at electronic goods for the Possums new condo, I would go to the park.

So, I went home and persuaded by dad to go with me to Kiara. He agreed and I donned my sneakers - which is honestly needs replacing - and of we went.... lalalala...

On the way to the park, I passed my friends house (happened to be my primary school crush's house) and was surprised to see a tent and some Chinese thingy's hanging about and my dad was saying something the soul resting in peace and it hit me...

GAH!!!

- funeral at his house.

All this thoughts starting racing in my mind... (They were not pleasant thoughts!)

Who's funeral was it?

I got out my phone and while I was texting him prayed that I would get a reply. After and agonising 5 minutes (by that time we had reached the park) the phone starting ringing its gay melody. It was him.

*phew*

He said that it was his grandma and that everything was okay (thank God). Its not like we are close but I wouldn't like anything bad happening to my friends. So anyways, I said goodbye and to call if he needed anything and off me and my dad went.

On to the park. Kiara Park (the TTDI one) was full of people all enjoying the haze free weather. There were so many people in the park doing so many things. These were some of the people I saw:

+ The people who were seriously going all out to exercise. They had proper attire and were sweating.

+ Then there were the families having picnics with their children. Families that were playing games like badminton together with thier children. Mums and dads with their children playing in the water trying to catch little fishes to put in plastic containers. Mums and dads and maids watching their children playing on the junlge gyms and swings. Cool dads trying to play with their son's friends. Mums pushing prams and cooing at thier babies... and basically more families and parents doing things with thier kids.

+ There were also people that were engrossed with the tortoises and fish in the pond and drew to the waters edge feeding them scraps of fish and excitedly pointing to the tortoises and fish saying in loud chirpy voices "SEE that is a tort-tee-ease! SEE that is a fee-ish!" I was pleased though that they were feeding the animals with high quality bread that they truly deserved. *Mental note to start bringing bread again eventhough friends say I am crazy!

+ Then there were those that pretended to exercise. They jogged a couple of paces and then they brisked walked and then they strolled and continued this wierd little "exercise technique" till they got tired and left. (* YES! I belong to this category though in defence I tried to jog alot but got a sticth on my right hip so I had to brisk walk and that made the side ache more so I strolled. Was embarressed really - A young lady with so many aches and pains... *tsk tsk* )

+ There were also the people that just wanted to enjoy the scenery, the fresh air, the laughter of the children all whilest enjoying an ice cream (there is ice cream and soy bean for sale at the entrance!) and an ice cold soya bean. (* YES! I am guilty of doing that once or twice but this time round I avoided the ice cream man like a plague and set my sights on the jogging track- pats myself on the back!)

I reached home about 7.40pm and felt so sleepy as I had woken up early that morning to go to church and had slept late the previous night. So I ate my dinner, talked to my parents for a bit, watched a bit of tv and then told everyone I was going to nap. I was actually so tired and I felt slightly sick (honestly!) and so I napped and what do you know, the next thing I knew it was Monday morning and the Possum was giving me my wakeup call. Apparently the night before I talked to him but I couldn't remember. I was probably was half asleep - hehehe.

As I stepped out of bed my legs were aching.

I felt like an old lady - GAH!

And to think that I didn't do that much. Anyways I hobbled through my day and today I feel alive. Really exercise makes you feel better. Trying to coax my mum and my bro's gf to go with me to jazzercise (a fun exercise which blends jazz and aerobics).

I feel all healthy and born again today though... HOORAH! I am able to now look at the Jack and Jill Salsa chips in its glossy red packet with the words 15% extra and just ignore it. I can now look at the yuumy liquer filled chocolates that are piled on the right side of my fridge and not bat an eyelash. We'll have to see how this lasts though! Hehehe... wish me luck *grin*

But really you guys...

Try at the Park! Try to just relax, have a stroll, a picnic... maybe feed the tortoises and fish or have a fun time trying to count how many animals you can see while you are there.

I counted 8 different types of animals/insects (monkeys, tortoises, fishes, birds, butterflies, ants, unidentifiable insect, a dragonfly). Its like a short escape away from the hussle and bussle of work and class. The laugh of children so carefree and happy and the fresh air will do you some good. - Sounds like I am reviewing the park! --- *grin*

The Past couple of DaYs...

The past couple of days since the last post has made me realise that I should cherish those moments when I feel as if I am "home" because more often than not, when the curtains really fall, when the sun sets, and when reality bites, you realise that by golly you are far away from "home".

Nothing too drastic has happened to bother my "home" but I am starting to see cracks or perhaps little pieces that don't quite fit and perhaps if I merely glanced or skimmed the serface I would have missed them, but since I seem to possess extraordinarily long hours of nothing to do, I have taken the liberty to examine my life a little more and... yeah... this has led to realising that the bliss and happiness and joy that poured from my fingertips onto the keyboard was only momentarily.

Regardless of its short lived happiness, I am happy that I have experienced that joy and completeness... I still feel that way but I guess I am aware of the setbacks, the uneven patches, the hurdles, the cracks and the potholes that abound all over me.

Sadly, eventhough I seem to have loads of time, I don't feel like writing these couple of days. Perhaps its because there is work that requires me to write, my assignments that require me to write and my other projects that also require me to... yes you got that right... I have to write somemore. So to think about blogging sometimes just makes me sick. Doesn't help that I sit infront of the computer hours on end typing and trying to make sense of what I am writing about.

Will try to write more happy optimistic things soon. In the mean time, I wish everyone well and I pray that you will find happiness in your own lives. Hope the haze doesn't come back and I pray that all of you will be kept safe and have joy and peace in your hearts. *God bless*

~I am Home ~

These days have been pretty good... Haven't really done much in terms of my classes (I am super far behind!) but for once I have done ALL my FACES work. *hoorah* Going to interview this Italian bloke Patrizio Buanne tomorrow, hope I don't like make a fool out of myself by giggling like a school kid or blushing... (Can so imagine myself doing that!).

Also it seems that for once I am "home".
Not in terms of my physical house, for it has always been here and its a pretty nice house honestly. But this "home"... is everything around me that makes me feel comfortable, its a place where I belong, its a place where everything is in the right place. Sure there are the odd hinges that don't quite fit and the gaps that let in the cold wind every once in awhile, but lately, everything seems to have fallen into some sort of nice rythm... and I feel as if I am "home".

My bestest friend Cats, is home already... can't believe she is back really. I was actually worried that we wouldn't hit it off after being away from each other for so long... HAHAHA... as if distance could take away our friendship. I've seen Cats quite a bit but today was good. We had a long talk about everything - laughed alot and snorted alittle =) *hoorah* It was just like those good old times, but then again they were better. We have grown up the both of us. Its evident in the things we talk about, the way we speak and the ability to be able to judge things as they were and not how we would like them to be. They say that the best looking-glass is an old friend - how very true.

Then there is the Possum. For those of you who keep close to me, you will know that our fights and arguements are legendary and sometimes hilarious to witness... but they are all but gone (Hope I don't speak to soon!). We have settled into something really nice and cosy. Some say its "settling"... some say its damn "aunty"... some say its "routine"... I say I have found plain and simple comfort. He wakes me up almost every morning, gives me surprise calls occasionally, plays cards and drinking games with me, gives me back rubs and talks to me before I sleep.

Then there are those times when we get all happy over the fact that couple seats in GSC are super huge and so comfy (you guys should try it!), for laughing like a children in the candy store picking jelly beans, raspberries, snakes and sour tape, for winding down windows on the highway and singing really loud... and so much more. Some of you reading this might feel sickened, and I am sorry for the discomfort caused. Sure the Possum is not perfect... well neither am I. We fit well together for now... not sure what the future holds... one can only hope and pray for a bright and happy one.

Then there are my friends. I don't have many friends, more acquaintances than anything else actually. But the few friends I have are a pretty interesting bunch. They make me laugh, make me smile and at times make me damn pissed off, but all in all they are a wonderful bunch of people with their little eccentricities, but they are loved for that. My parents are wonderful and supportive, and my brother though a pain (somtimes), is pretty wonderful too. My tortoises are behaving (no breakouts in 2 weeks) themseleves and will be getting their treats soon. I also got my results for my resit paper and *hoorah* I passed.

Everything is sliding into place,

slowly but surely and for the moment I am "home"...

I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here...

Behind The Mask...

Strip away my foundation

And you will see my face

An empty wandering soul

With an empty vacant gaze...

Lalalala...

I should be asleep now or doing something more productive like say... stuyding or completing my assignments, or doing my FACES work, cleaning out my room, ironing my clothes, washing my toilet or just doing something... anything... but here I sit infront of the computer twirling my super messy hair and having writers block. BAH! Its one of "those" days again...

Maybe I should like turn on my radio and do the wiggles... that would make me feel better. YEAH... that's what I will do... lalalala...

Yuppers... thats the way to go...

The wiggles, the wiggly wogly wiggles...

~**~**~**~

P.S: I need more hugssssss...

Conformity...

con·form·i·ty

1.) Similarity in form or character; agreement: I acted in conformity with my principles.

2.)Action or behavior in correspondence with socially accepted standards, conventions, rules, or laws: conformity to university regulations.

Why do I have to be like everyone else?

Why do people ask me to be or act like a certain way?

Why do people want me to conform?

Do I RE.ALLY NE.ED to...

~ Act my "own age" (whatever that is supposed to bloody mean)?

~ Agree when people say I do certain things just to get peoples attention when in all honesty I don't want their "so-called" attention?

~ Be "nice" all the time (however you choose to define what "nice" means)?
~ Have a Life Plan mapped out in front of me?
~ Smile and giggle politely when people call me "Auntie"?

~ Wear a skirt and dress and carry a clutch purse to look feminine?
~ Waste my money on things that I don't really need but "everyone" has just so that I can say with pride "I have it to but in (insert colour, model, style), see..."?
~ Grin and bear it when people say I am "nerd" or that I have "no style" though I itch to retort something nasty in return about their "so-called-perfect-selves?
~ Hide the fact that I love childish things and I love soppy movies?

~ Pretend that I am into art, culture, literature and the like so that you will talk to me and that I would "belong" and be one of the "cul.tu.red"?
~ Announce to the world that I am on a diet and when no one is looking binge eat and then complain that I never can lose weight?

~ Own a Gucci/Prada/Coach/CD bag?
~ Order a salad (so that people will think I am on-the-said "diet") and bottled Evian/Perrier/San Benedetto water (eventhough I dont' like it) at restaurants?
~ Have a "feminine" purse (go figure)?
~ Have a body of a stick-anorexic-mantis-type person?
~ Get my ears pierced?
~ Agree that a person is "really nice" eventhough that person is mean and damn rude to me and I feel like insulting or assaulting that person depending on the situation?
~ Go clubbing weekly and get sloshed every other day?
~ Join a gym so that I can say I belong to one eventhough I hardly go?

~ Buy a pair of Nike/Adidas/Reebok's for my occasional park stroll?
~ Agree with you because you have a better job, because you are smarter, more pious, much thinner, more atheltic and are richer than me though honestly you know shit and should just leave me alone?

~ Kiss you arse when you don't know who the hell I am?
~ Get my hair cut at a fancy place which charges me 4 times the amount I usually pay and end up with the same hair style?
~ Wash and blow my hair everytime I go out?
~ Wear makeup just to go to 7-11 to buy bread?
~ Buy new clothes everytime there is a "special" occasion to go to?
~ Get a pair of Gucci/CK/Armani sunnies eventhough I am fecking blind already as it is without the sunnies darkening my vision (FYI: I can't wear contacts)?
~ Own atleast 10 pairs of heels in different colours?
~ Wear G-Strings/V-Strings eventhough they give me wedgies and I feel super uncomfortable and hate wearing them?
~ Use mascara all the time - its apparently the "most" imporntant thing you can ever have in your handbag I was once told?
~ Go for mani/pedicures because my toe and finger nails are "ugly"?
~ Wax my legs and facial hair to look "presentable"?
~ Agree with what people say even when I don't really agreee and want to tell that person that they are so full of shite its oozing and dribbling on to the floor?
~ Lie when people ask me if I prefer a night out clubbing and getting drunk to a night staying at home reading under my comforter and munching cookies?
~ Be ashamed that I don't know the names of the "coolest" places, people and things to do at any given time?
~ Smile and nod like a puppet when people call me names when I really should be gathering up my things and walking away?

~ Lie when people ask me if I watch Hindi, Indon, Malay and foreign flicks?
~ Tell people that I don't:
a) Believe in faires and Angels?
b) Collect stickers and Little Ponies and the like?
c) Enjoy doing scrapbooking?
d) Love watching cartoons?
e) Know the lyrics to heaps of Disney songs and Oldies?
f) Cry during movies?

... So that people will think that I am grownup, matured and most importantly "normal"...?

NAH! I don't do the things I do to stand out from the rest, to appear to be on a higher more esteemed platform dedicated to those that want or need to be noticed... I might or might not do the above said things, but the thing here is, do I really need to be all these things just so that I can be like everyone else... I can fit in like everyone else, I can be accepted? Why can't I just do the things I love without being judged and be loved for the things I am rather than changing myself to fit this mould that others have set just so I can fit in. Actually in all honesty I reckon, I can be who I want to be with my little strangeness and eccentricities... its just the weeding out of unsavoury and vile things in my life that is going to be a problem... but Yeah...

* I don't RE.ALLY NE.ED to con.fecking.form *