I should be asleep. Its a working day. A busy day. I need heaps of coffee day.
But although I am tired, the words are coming to me. And since the words don't knock on my day often these days, I decided to write.
This post isn't going to show off whatever writing skills I have (or lack)... its jut a post about my recent (and even not so recent) wonderings...
I wonder why the words have stopped coming to me like they used to. I miss the way I could put my fingers on the keyboard and my fingers would start flying across the keyboard, having a life of their own. I miss seeing my name/byline each time a poem or article of mine was published.
I wonder when I will finally get down to all the projects that I have lined up. The ones that I promised I would write in another blog post. The projects that I have invested $ into. The projects that I talk about, dream about and wish for.
I wonder why at times somethings bother me and at times it doesn't. I would like to be consistent but I have no clue how.
I wonder when I would be able to forgive easier, accept easier and let go easier. I welcome this day with open arms but fear that the day will never come.
I wonder why I feel so small and insignificant sometimes and at other times I think I am a rock star. There are moments when I feel like crawling under my sheets and not coming out, loving the snugness and comfort of my blankets around me, hiding me, shielding me, comforting me.
I wonder what it would feel like leaving home and moving in with someone for the rest of your life. Opening your eyes and seeing someone beside you instead of your work table or chest full of books and your knick knacks and crumbly curling posters of long forgotten movie stars on your built in closet...
I wonder why its so difficult to prioritize, to manage time wisely, to unprocrastinate.
I wonder why I have to cuss and swear so much.
I wonder if God looks at me and shakes His head looking puzzled and disappointed at the person I am at times.
I wonder if I inhale everyone's ciggie smoke for more than 9 years, would that increase the possibilities of getting a horrible life threatening and disease and if yes, what do I do about it...
I wonder why I sometimes wish I could just pack up my bag and leave without a "hello" or "goodbye".
I wonder why the traffic jams are getting worse and why no one is doing anything about it.
I wonder what it would be like to have all your wishes, fairy tale endings and dreams come true. Would you feel happy and content finally or would there always be something missing, something that you are still searching for, that you yearn for.
I wonder if the shoe doesn't quite fit, if it has a small flaw of sorts with it, do you just not buy the shoe or do you buy the shoe anyways, flaws and all. Then again you wonder if you had bought the flawed shoe, would it in the end cause you more problems and grief then if you had decided not to buy the shoe in the first place.
I wonder how others would feel if they could just touch me and feel the feelings that I feel, this storehouse of emotions that I keep with me - sorta like an osmosis process. Would it be easier if everyone knew a 100% what the others truly felt?
I wonder why I sometimes talk in circles, harping over the same things that bug me over and over again and moan and groan and wish these things would sought themselves out when I know that it would probably be a never.
I wonder how I became the person I am today. I blame everything on the bad metabolism.
I wonder if Belly knows how much I love her and how much I think she is one of the bestest things that has ever happened to me.
I wonder why everyone's values are so different. Why some people are okay with this and how others are not... and most importantly, I wonder how to accept another's values if they are not the ones that you practice.
I wonder how I would be remembered when I leave this world.
I wonder why I keep torturing myself by looking at those blogs, those websites, those pages.
I wonder when I will have enough $ to travel to Greece, to London, to the happiest place on earth, Disneyland, to other parts of Europe, to see Temora again...
I wonder why some peoples words and actions don't quite jive or if I am just reading too much into things and making up stories in my head.
I wonder what-ifs every now and then and torture myself with the endless possibilities. It's tiring and makes for a good pity party for one.
I wonder when it would be my turn...
I wonder if anyone reading this would be able to understand or feel the turmoil in my mind and heart.