Saturday, July 31, 2004

Where I belong ~

Last night or perhaps this morning, I felt strangely disorientated (and NO this was not solely because of the drinks I consumed - honest) and I felt like I was in some other land or county, one which in some ways I didn't belong in but wanted to in some ways...
It was one of those days where I bothered to wear heels, bothered to behave (grin).. I went out with a friend and we had fun chatting and playing pool and having some drinks. Then we met some other friends of mine in this bar and as time passed, I saw more and more people that I knew. Some whom I hadn't seen in years and was glad to see, others I wish I didn't see need to see at all. With the loud music thumping around me and the blinding bluish lights, I felt like I was truly in another place. A part of me wanted to stay and chill like those "happening" people on a Friday night and yet there was this part of me that craved the solitude of my room and the comfort of bed and soft comforters with a good book...
I guess I just am not sure where I belong. I feel like I am pulled in two different directions... to be continued... gonna hang with G...

This is me again.. I still feel slightly off tangent as I write this. I know that I do like the "Happening" life as I love to meet new people and to dance (however bad I dance, I still do like a little shimmy and shaking) BUT then I know that I can't be that person all the time. I am more the person you see alone reading a book at a bus stop or LRT station waiting for the feeder bus (thanks to Possum that wouldn't be often now - but with my new semester and Possums new sem, things may be different), shopping alone or watching a movie alone in the cinema (YES, I do that, I see nothing wrong with that except for perves sitting next to you or people throwing stuff at you during the movie - No, hasn't happened before but I have thought bout that!) I am not a loner, as most of you know I have friends (not many but enough) but I like doing things alone sometimes.. Not many people understand that and looks of pity can be seen crossing their faces when they ask me if I am alone and I reply yes.....
Oh well, there is no one that I need to justify this too, and I guess what my friend JIN says is true, I am happier now than I have been in a long time.. *grin* Well, have to go now.. see yous.. The Da Vinci Code is beckoning me.. its a great book though it is against alot of things that I believe in.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Back in History

It seems that lately I have been faced with so many choices. Do I do this or that??? Do I go left or right or stay still? Same old same old.... this is not something new. Heck it happens all the time. So why do I feel as if something big is about to happen to me. I feel like I am on the brink of something. I am going abit mental, but I don't know how to explain what I feel.
There are times when I crave to be alone. I crave the silence, I crave the emptiness, I crave the solitude.... I just enjoy being alone doing by own thing on my own time with no one about watching over me and making me feel like I am under a microscope.. But lately I have also been needed constantly. Sure it makes me feel that my life is meaningful and that I am needed by others.. but I just want to scream when I am pulled in so many directions. Letting people makes me feel real bad, I have no choice.. I have to choose.
I am officially on my holidays, not a long holiday mind you, but a holiday nonetheless. I am going to savor every moment that I get and have planned out a whole list of things to do though I seriously wonder if I would ever finish them off. One can sure hope for it!
Anyways, back to the title.. "Back in History", last year about this time, I was chatting with 2 of my girlfriends about men and relationships and etc. and afew hours later I was with someone. It was so sudden and now as I look back, I wonder why I even accept the proposal. I do not regret that move though because it was also through this relationship that I met a whole load of wonderful people. It was this day that I meet spongy and sat in his volvo. Yeah.. I reckons I was kinda shy that day.. but as time progressed, we became better friends and thats what we are now. (spongy if you is reading this, you is know that you is my good friend and will always be - aight!) And after spongy came G and the whole other group of Malat men. Yeah many many memories do I have with this fellas, and its sad that things cannot be the way that they were but then I have realized yet again and things happen for a reason and I know that we will always be friends, though how close remains to be known.
History I hate that subject you know, never was any good with dates.. I will be taking western civilization next semester and I hope that it will be bearable. I was taught that the reason why we learnt history was because we could see the mistakes of others who came before us and learn from these mistakes... I look back to my own history, my own past and I know that I have learnt a whole lot of stuff. I also know that it is so difficult to change and learn from ones mistakes.. had a chat with my girlfriend today and we both realized that we have indeed changed some.. for the better we realized...
Going to go out and see someone from my past.. I have to admit something though... I miss the past, I miss my history......
p.s: Had crab again today! (gawd I swear I am going on a diet... soon!)

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

CloSe EnCouNTerS of ThE CrAb KinD

I had my one of my papers today, critical thinking.. what can I say. I am just glad that its over and done with and I need not know anything more about deductive or inductive arguments and the like. I have another paper to go on thursday, general psychology, that should be alright (thank God). 
Anyways, after the exam Possum decided to give me a threat as I was sort of studying like mad, so we went to Starbucks (the new 50th outlet which just opened today in Uptown near my place). It was.. alright though I kept on picturing the various hawker sellers there (cos before Starbucks took over, it was one of my favourite coffee shops). Anyways, after the coffee and beef pie, we both went to Ikano to see some fishes and ended up buying some more decorative items for our aquarium, which today was a nice looking rock. Also had an interesting chat with a fella who worked there about tortoises and priarie dogs (there were 2 of them, one obese - but damn cute looking) and then as always it was to the book shop for a few minutes of browsing.
After all that, there was dinner in Klang with Possum and his family. We had grilled lamb, calamari and crabs. Everyone had their own crab and I was so fasinated by it really.. I took ages to dismantle its legs and to eat it and when I opened its body, I was alot grossed out cos there were all his lungs and filters and stuff in there.. just really wierd... but it was worth it, cos it tasted really really good. YUMMM!!!  Dinner ended and I went home to chill with my mums cos she was alone at home (yes good daugher i am) and we talked for abit and then she went to sleep... so here I am tinkering on the computer and savouring the feeling cos it has been so long without it. (loving strokes the keyboard)
I also got to thinking that today a year ago, I met a really great bunch of people. Time happens to drift by so quickly at times... feel like I have known them for years, but it only has been a year, and what a year it has been. Things have changed for all of us, but I can only look forward to the future and hope for better days and look back to the past and smile at those wonderful memories. They really are a special bunch of people and I hope that as time progresses, so will our friendship. Aights.. going to sleeps now. NIghts...

Monday, July 26, 2004

In The Middle...

In the middle…
I am in the middle of two worlds
My childhood
So inviting with laughter and smiles
The adult world
Mocking me with realities so hauntingly blatantly real.

In the middle…
I am neither here nor there
Just wandering aimlessly in between
Searching and trying to find
To find some sort of meaning and reason
However, I am lost it clearly seems.

In the middle…
Memories of days gone by haunt me
While visions of the future spur me on
Caught between moving forward and staying where I am
A thousand ‘what-ifs’ inside me burns.

In the middle…
Leaving the past and moving ahead
Scares and excites me all at once
Though more often than not I am clueless
Walking about in a silent trance
Waiting and hoping for a miracle or sign
To end this wait, to fill this emptiness…



Sunday, July 25, 2004

I Hear

I hear the echoes
I listen to the sounds
The sadness it seems
Goes gradually round and round
Till I can’t help but let it all out
So the tears they start descending silently from my eyes
They trickle unceasingly in rhythm with my soundless cries

I hear the echoes
I listen to the sounds
The sadness it seems
Goes gradually round and round
Innocent lives uprooted and taken,
So many hearts hurt and broken,
Millions of dreams and hopes shattered and ruined
When will this misery ever end?

I hear the echoes
I listen to the sounds
And finally I hear voices that care
Willing hearts that want to make a difference
Who want to love, to help, to share
I hear the sounds of freedom
I hear the sounds of justice
The tears they have stop falling
For I can hear the voices of hope and peace calling


Saturday, July 24, 2004

Strange how..

It is strange how sometimes the world seems so pleasant and wonderful. How every cool gentle breeze is so calming and pleasant, how unique every tree is from the way its leaves look, to the green of the leaf itself.. and look at the sky, and endless blue on some days with puffy clouds that look like wisps of white cotton candy floating aimlessly around.. and how about the wonderful dazzling colours of the flowers that scent the air with their sweet fragrance... how pleasant the world seems than.. like nothing could ever go wrong..
Strange how to the world seems like a horrible place to be in. How the barren red earth is so glaring thanks to the massive deforestation, how the monstrosity of condrete and glass buildings dot the landcape of a once green and pleasant place.. how we see the endless expanse of broken glass, shattered landscapes, decaying homes, bombed empty shells of what was home to many - thanks to the endless wars and greed of men. How strange to see and smell the putrid smells of rotting flesh and decaying meat and stinking sewers that seep into the endless clean water ways, the toxins and pollutants killing the wonderful streams and seas..
I am not sure where I am going with all this "interesting" things I have in my mind at the moment. One must wonder why I am having these thoughts to begin with. I am not sure myself. After feeding time, I wanted to relax and continue my novel on "House Husbands" but I felt restless in Possums room and decided to write again. Perhaps I got a wift of inspiration after writing my previous entry - WOW! two entires in one day. Amazing!! I guess I just had a really lovley day today and I wish that I had more days like this. Days which seem so picture perfect that you wonder if everyone actually was just playing a role in a big prodcution, perhaps something like 'the Truman Show' starring Jim Carrey. I am happy today. I have been happy for some time now, which is the happiest I have been in a long long time. I guess I am expecting something morbid and sad to happen to me but then I reprimand myself for thinking and feeling that way.
Strange how sometimes out of the blue I tend to think of the strangest things or how sometimes the faces of people I know tend to pop into my mind and how suddenly I feel the urge to talk to them, to hold them and to just see them again even if it was only for just awhile. Strange too how some days are just so uneventful and sometimes there are so many calls from friends to go out that you are pulled in so many different directions that you don't know what to do and end up staying at home with your folks. Today is one such day and I am feeling guilty that I am not going to be with my friends (some of whom I hardly see and constantly accuse of not having time for me) - for those of you (you know who you are) I am really sorry. I am too tired to go out and I feel like just hiding under the covers and reading or just sleeping or couch-potato'ing out in front of the telly watching yet another mindless movie.
Gawd! I am blabbering on at an alarming rate. I think I should go now. Hopefull the next time I write, I would't need to think and be so melancholic. Oh well.. HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY! Gotta go feed the fishes *cute buggers that they are *, finish my novel, say goodnight to Possum and head home to my family.

History and Computers..

It has been awhile since I last wrote. I can't help but feel as if the days are too fast paced, like I am on a really fast merry-go-round and I see the world around me in such a blur. There are so many things that I do each day (most of the days) and I think that it is good that I am on my feet and moving, but I hardly seem to have time to do the things that I like to do, like writing for one. Its sad but it sort of seems that I have no inspiration to write anymore. This could be due to the fact that my computers hard disk got wiped out and thus wiping out all the things I have ever wrote, plus the soft copy of my compiliations of poems and others. How stupid of me to not make copies, but heck.. there isn't anything that I can do about it now is there?
My old ancient computer, like an empty shell sits where it has been for the past six years and I can't help but be annoyed at it simply because I don't have a connection with it anymore. It saddens me when I on the power to know that there is nothing in it that was MINE anymore. Hours spent labouring over the size and layouts of my compilations, the hours downloading my clipart and pictures of cuddley cute animals, the experimental stories and articles that I tried to write, the 100's of photos I have kept on the PC.. gone.. like a mist at dawn..
At times I dont' feel sad about it, actually some sick part of me is glad that I get to start all over again.. A clean sparkly sheet to write on all over again.. but when I think back to all I have lost, I feel empty and tired of trying and starting all over again. Sorry for whining so much about something which seems to trivial, but this is the only place where I can vent. When I bitch about it to my friends, it only takes up a good 5 minutes and after that the topic inevidently turns to things like boys, men and etc. So yeah.. venting here is the only place left other than my normal journal but writing in my neat handwriting at times tests my patience so.. its like the words are following from my mind, but my hands take ages to pour them forth.. btw.. for those of you who don't know, I really have nice handwriting.  (seriously - I pride myself at that. One of the only things I know that I can do - how sad though when I think about it; Proud over ones handwriting)
I am at Possums house, thats why I am able to write (as my connection at home has failed me along with my stupid hard disk - ok ok, I will stop bitchin about it) till kingdom come. Alone in the dark except for the eerie glow of our fish tank, I am starting to feel slightly hungry though it was a few hours ago that we went to Malacca and did the toursit thing for awhile and stuffed our faces with food. (ahhh.. heavenly food) Possums sister and I actually sat in a trishaw which I have to saw was really gordily decorated, but the driver was really friendly and I felt just really all tourisy and felt that I contributed to the economy of the tourist industry (I have no idea what I am going on about but felt like it was a clever thing to say - hehehe). The food was nice and the place was good. Took a few photos and hopefully if one day I am ever able to figure thisuploding the photo thing, you wonderful people (hope there are some) who follow this pitiful blog of mine will be able to see the wonderful things I saw. I LOVE MALAYSIA!!!
Gotta go now, Possums mum says it is feeding time. Will write more when I can. Thanks for the comments, and encouragement to write more and etc.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

LET GO ...

LET GO ... (from a forwarded email)

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over.

Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to ..LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ...LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you ... LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction ...
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents ... LET IT GO!!!
If you have a bad attitude...LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him... LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship....LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves...LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .... LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling
yourself and God is saying "take your hands off of it," then you need to... LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things. GOD is doing a new
thing for 2004!!! LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then LET IT GO!!!

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