Christmas eve has come and gone just like that and pretty soon Christmas will be over as well. Funny how I wait all year round for this day and then all too soon its gone and strangely enough, my Christmases never quite go the way I plan.
Perhaps its because I never had any real traditions for Christmas. There were no "must do's" or places that I "had to go" each year. Once we used to have a really big Christmas thingy at my aunt's place (dad's side) when we were younger... the celebrations have toned down some now. I also used to have Christmas lunch with my granny (mum's side) at my aunt's place. Then my aunty and then later her husband passed away and then my granny passed away too. So now there really is no place to go for Christmas lunch. How I wish I could have lunch with my grandparents again. Just one more lunch with ginger beer and her home cooked food and then later a snooze in my granny's room.
I try to spend every Christmas eve night at Midnight mass with the day being spent shopping or just being with family and friends. I guess my mistake is that I never really made my own traditions. I just did what everyone else was doing. It doesn't help that I had several boyfriends and each Christmas there were new things to do with a new family to share the season with. At that time, it felt okay but now looking back... it just seems a tad sad.
Today's mass was pretty good. I loved the magic in the church as the choir sand and the smell of the incense filled the air around us. What I didn't' like was what we did after mass which wasn't really great. I would have rather spent it quietly at home with friends just talking or watching a movie or something. I am turning into a frightful bore. Didn't quite help that my mind was being preoccupied with inflicted annoying thoughts and that the crimson rivers were gurgling along with a mind of its own.
Now, that I am finally at home in the quiet coolness of my room, my mind drifts back to Christmases past. The Christmases that were with my two grannies mostly. I also remember how for a few Christmases I bought myself presents and wrapped them nicely and set up my small tree with its precious few ornaments and laid the presents underneath its sparse green boughs. I later opened the presents and a few others that were given to me alone near the Christmas tree and my Nativity scene which I had made our of an old tissue box in Sunday School. How very far away that Christmas seems - must try to locate that photo of the tree with the pile of presents and my Nativity scene.
Then there was my first Christmas spent in Australia with the Eatons and the other friends that I had made there. We cut our own Christmas tree and decorated it as well as the house with all sorts of Christmasy ornaments. My host mum also made me a personalised Christmas sock which she filled with my very own Boney M Christmas CD, a super sweet mango, chocolates and other treats. We had a hot Christmas as it was summer but we had a bonfire and made smores. We also had a BBQ and had fun just lying on the grass and staring up into the stars.
There were also two Christmases that I acted in church. It was a Christmas cantata it was called and it was held before Midnight mass. I did my first performance when I was 12 and was part of the choir. My second performance was when I was 15 and sporting an awful short mushroomy hair cut. I was one of the 3 Wise Men that went to find the baby Jesus. I had heaps of lines and was super enthusiastic as I skipped around the altar whilst I followed the Star that led me to the manger. I cringe every time I think of the video and my happy skipping, but I miss that... I miss acting in a cantata with a Christmas theme.
I also enjoyed going to Singapore to watch the lights along Orchard. I went 3 times my last time being with B just last week. The hustle and bustle was draining. There were people everywhere but the lights was lovely. All that was missing was snow!
Anyways, it's late. If I pissed off anyone tonight, I sincerely apologise. There is a lot on my mind and I have not been the friendliest of people today but really this Christmas just isn't going my way. I wish that someone would have led me by the hand and planned me a Christmas instead. Well like they always say, when you have lemons, make lemonade or a lemon meringue. I am sure Christmas morning will look brighter and will see my day being filled with activity and even if it isn't, a good lie in or a TV session is pretty okay too I suppose. One should just be glad that they are alive and that they have all these blessings poured upon them.
So here's to all the Christmases that have passed - they were indeed wonderful ones which I will cherish in the days and years to come - the current Christmas I am having - may the day be bright and happy with many things going on which I will enjoy - and to the Christmases to come which will be filled with all the best memories and experiences. May all of us find the joy and magic of Christmas not only during this Christmas season but also throughout the year.
Happy Christmas to all and don't forget the reason for the season *hugsss*
May God bless us abundantly during this Christmas season and may all our hopes, dreams, prayers and wishes come true this year.
It's Christmas Eve already.
I can't seem to sleep although I was so tired at B's place.
Perhaps it was the coffee I had with Cats @ Starbucks just now...
Anyways, I love Christmas Eve.
There is always such magic in the air.
I pray that this Christmas is an awesome one that I can share with my family and my friends. Am already meeting up with Chris later today as I haven't seen her in a couple of months. I plan to see Shells after Christmas and some other friends before the New Year sets in. I can't wait.
There is of course there is this part of me that misses you still so very much. A part of me that would give anything to have you here with me but such is life. I hope that you are happy wherever you are in this great wide world that you know that I think of you often and I wish you were here with with me all the time. You are missed deeply.
To all my friends, a happy happy and blessed Christmas. May the peace of Christ reign in your hearts today and for all the tomorrows to come.
I dragged myself out of bed today and started working on cleaning my room. It is a drag really to do any sort of work when you are on leave but the sorting and cleaning needs to be done and so I found a rag and got my plastic bags out and started the sordid business of sorting and cleaning.
During this process, I found many things which I thought I had lost and I also had a panic attack when I realised that I had too much stuff. It's difficult to part with stuff because you just might need them. Most of these things anyways are for my arts and crafts or for my collections.
Anyways, the packing and the sorting is still underway. There are heaps more stuff to go through. Got stuck at my bedside cabinet or my "memory closet". I took a breather (and then some) going through its contents and throwing away some of the stuff I no longer wanted. I realised that no matter how much time has passed, you can't quite bury the past (sigh!). I also realised that I am so blessed to be loved by some people. There are many people out there who have never felt loved, and I am so truly blessed to have been loved.
I will worry about sorting and cleaning tomorrow or the day after that or the day after that but to be honest, its the Christmas season and I so do not feel like sorting or cleaning. I just want to indulge in the festivities and day dream and just enjoy the holiday :) Perhaps I will do just that!
I can barely remember the last time I had a real lunch with my father, pa as I call him. The unhurried kind. The proper restaurant kind with tax.
It was before a church camp, I recall. I could have been 15. We were at Stage Coach a western food restaurant near church, the same row as the Satelite chicken rice shop. I chicken chop and chocolate ice and maybe even watermelon.
It wad one of those days when my pa had to take half day leave to bring me to church.
Today, I had lunch with my pa at Italiannis in One Utama. We had grape shakes and alot of food. After lunch, I went shopping with my dad to find him a pair of working shoes. He finally found a pair he liked... It was his Christmas present from me.
I loved the time we spent together and thank God for memories such as this.
Would it be... Too much to ask For more time? For a raise? For you to be more patient? For you to stop polluting your lungs? For the blardy ants, cockroaches and daddy long legs to just die? For you could just go away? For instant fat dissolvers? For my memory to block out images of you? For a new me?
Never smile at a crocodile No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile Don't be taken in by his welcome grin He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin Never smile at a crocodile Never dip your hat and stop to talk awhile Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile You may very well be well bred Lots of etiquette in your head But there's always some special case, time or place To forget etiquette For instance: Never smile at a crocodile No, you can't get friendly with a crocodile Don't be taken in by his welcome grin He's imagining how well you'd fit within his skin Never smile at a crocodile Never dip your hat and stop to talk awhile Never run, walk away, say good-night, not good-day Clear the aisle but never smile at Mister Crocodile
I walked back in time again today. I strolled through friendster and hotmail and browsed through old memories.
And it made me cringe. It made me wonder... Evaluate... Tear up a little... Hurt some... And of course remember.
I remember the girl I was. I remember the friend I was. The one who smiled more and worried less. The one that had so many friends. The carefree adventurer.
So just for that few moments, I walked back and tried to remember... and later once I was done, I tried my best to leave the past where it belonged.
But sometimes against my will, the past comes back to haunt me and yet there are other times when these memories come flooding back to me to act as a soothing balm over old wounds that never healed right.
I think these walks to the past are needed every now and then to remind me of a great many things; the fragility of life, the intricacies of relationships, the hopefulness of youth, the joys in the simple things, the small victories and joys overlooked and forgotten and the happiness and blessings one has recieved over the years.
I am thankful for these occasional walks back that I take every now and then... and its great to know and realise that I am looking ahead and walking forwards towards the hopeful unknown, with a select few happy memories as my companion on this journey.
I have... So many things I want to write about. So many projects I want to begin. So many things I want to clear, clean and arrange. So many ideas floating around in my mind. So many books to read. So many DVDs to watch. So many places to see. So many arrangements to make. So many moments to capture.
I feel excited. I haven't felt this way in awhile. I think it's the ChristmasSpirit spreading its magic *grin grin*