Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Last of my 2008 ponderings

Once again I find myself in the same frame of mind, wondering where the year went to and as always noting how time flies. Today is the last day of 2008 and on one hand I think “Thank God”, for I thought this year would never end and at the same time I think “Gosh, there are still so many things left to do that I wanted to do (recalls long list of so-called resolutions and ‘one days’) but never got around to doing”.

And then for some strange reason, I do not feel the need to celebrate, to don my best (then again, what is my best?) and to party the night away. Instead, I am content just being with the ones I love just doing something simple like watching the fireworks and just ‘oooo-ing’ and ‘ahhhh-ing’ at the colours and designs that light up the night’s sky momentarily like expensive magical fairy dust. Or to just play poker, talk over drinks and to laugh at the year gone by and to make more plans and “one days” for the year to come.

To say that 2008 sucked, would be a lie. To say that it was fantabulous would also be a lie. I guess just like every year that has passed me by, I find that it is a combination of sucky and fantastic. My 26th year (short of 2 months), has made me realize a number of things, the most important being that family is one of the most important things in your life (possible the mostest important) and although you might not agree, want to smack them with a trout every now and then or see eye to eye with them on a lot of things, they are the people that matter the most.

Then there is the realization that some times, things just really don’t matter. The size of your body (still working on this), the brand of your bag, the label on your clothes, the place where you live, how you speak, where you shop or hangout, how cool you appear to be… all these things don’t really matter. These are just things on the outside, a sort of shell or force field that we use to protect ourselves from the world and from around those that we do not know, and sometimes even the ones we know the best.

After much thinking these couple of days, I have gathered some insights and have thought about the things that really matter to me (smiles): How you treat others and how you make them feel. Letting the ones you care for know how much they mean to you. Loving oneself and holding your head up high, even when it seems that the world tells you to hide in your closet instead. Having quiet assurance in your heart and having inner confidence without needing to get affirmation and attention from others. Quiet accepting silence rather than noisy boisterous uneasiness surrounding me.

Telling someone how you feel rather than letting it fester inside. Not regretting the choices you make but letting these choices pave your way forward. What is also important is not continuously looking back to the past in fear and feeling insecure and unsure (double note to self), but rather to look to the past for moments of comfort, truth, affirmation, hope and happiness. Keeping your dreams alive and follow your heart wherever it takes you though remember to always practice caution and discern wisely when making the choices that may affect others. Continue to do the things you love to do even if they may not be the coolest things in the eyes of others and have peace in your heart and soul which I believe is the wellspring for all good things. And lastly trust in God and in His Divine Providence for who amongst us knows His plans for us. Hope in Him and He will renew our strength and be our comfort.

These realizations, insights or whatever you might call it, are I believe just things that make up our foundation and core of our being… they are just my thoughts.

As always I have much to be thankful for this year and though the year was also punctured with grey moments, the patch work of my life this year looks brilliant. I know as I always have known that it is through adversity that you learn the most about life, about yourself and about others.

I am thankful for:
The gift of life - For the chance to be with my family and friends. To be able to breathe, function, walk, dance (not very well though), sing and just be alive.

For family - For being needed. For sharing meals (although not very many), memories and moments with them, laughs, FB poker, the trip to Aussie with mum, silly swearing and many stories.

For friendship - For the people that have hung out with me this year during my down and out moments, or to just chill, play poker, have merry nights @ Front, watching movies, having lunches, dinners and coffee, going on hiking expeditions, for happy parties, for making me laugh and for just being there

For work - Although I whinge and complain about the workload (its seriously getting a bit much), I love what I do and that makes all the difference. I just wish that the coming year would be more organized and that I get new work colleagues who will be able to share my workload.

For Cat - Always my best mate, always there should I need someone to talk to. To listen and to never judge. The woman who from 21 years ago looked out for me and saved me from the clutches of a silly boy and constantly looks out for me till today.

For my Aussie trip, the one that was 7 years overdue - For the chance to travel. To see my second home and the people I called my second family. To meet with old friends. To eat yums food. To buy and to see and to enjoy.

For the little trips taken throughout the year.

For nature, for waterfalls, for greens and butterflies.

For Shell - Who gets me. Who doesn’t laugh @ me but laughs with me. For sharing lunches, secrets, smiles and tears.

And lastly… For my BFF, B - Who has now taken on a bigger role in my life. For everything big and small that he does. For loving me, taking care of me and for spending time with me and for sharing all these memories with me throughout the year. Memories that have fill my mind and my heart. You are one of the best things that has happened to me ever and I hope you know that. Plus I love you v.much.

So enough of these dedication type things, I wish all of you the best in the coming year with many blessings and happy moments coming your way. Remember that … the shadows will always be behind you if you walk towards the light.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

If there be

If there be no love in your heart,
then there be no more dreaming,
no more singing,
no more stories.

~ Australia 2008 ~

Thursday, December 04, 2008

In Melb

Its been almost a month since I wrote.
How time flies.
I am in Melbourne now as I write.
The sun is shining but the wind is bitterly cold.
I wish my dad and my bro and B were here.
My holiday would be more complete with them with me.

In two days time I go back to Temora.
I miss that place but wonder if I have grown away from it.
If I no longer can relate.
I hope I can.

This trip is much needed but I don't seem to have the space I seek.
My movements are very much kept in check which I dislike tremendously.
Perhaps starting from tonight it will change when I stay with Neeka and Matt.
But I am grateful.
I am thankful for being here.
I am enjoying things as much as I can.
and yet...
why do I feel as if things are just not right in some way.........
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