Tuesday, December 27, 2005

This Christmas

This Christmas has been very different from the rest.
The main reason would be the absence of the Christmas Spirit.

I tried so hard to find her, but she was no where to be found. I think that because of the whole hustle and bustle of shopping and trying so hard to find the "perfect" presents for my friends and family and just doing everything in preparation for Christmas, I failed to find and to recieve the most important thing, the spirit of the whole season.

I also failed to fully appreciate the meaning of Christmas and instead got sucked into the whole commercialness of Christmas - DOINK!!! I was also running around and playing hostess and peacekeeper this year that I didn't really enjoy myself and was too tired to marvel at Midnight Mass this year. I also didn't enjoy the delicious food at the various parties and the interesting company I was with because I had stuff to do. Everything this time round was hurried and unmemorable especially my annual lighting of the special Christmas candles at Our Ladies Grotto. I really hope though that Jesus knows I tried to find the Christmas spirit and to remember Him and be thankful for the real meaning of Christmas ~ It is quite a hard task.

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To be absolutely honest this is the worst Christmas in my 23 years of living. Maybe I am being super overly dramatic, but I know I am not. Its not that the presents were lacking (ok, so a little more wouldn't have hurt!) or that some big shitty thing happened. It was just that somethings were missing... somethings that were intangible.
Could it be the lack of Christmas traditions, the many squabbles that were persistant throughout the days leading to Christmas and even on Christmas, the friends that were around but which I never got to spend time with or see, the lack of time, the rush and the anxiety of buying Christmas presents and realising the debt you are in is now scarily more, the realisation that a good friend of yours is going to leave soon, the emptiness in the heart where old friends once resided, having stomach problems, realising that so many things are changing and are going to change soon, being afriad of the new year, waiting patiently for someone who never came, the lack of snow, hoping for miracles which can never happen......
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So many things run through my mind, so many thoughts keep me up at night. My Christmas Wish List wasn't answered much but I did get some pretty good stuff this year. A hifi set from the Possum, a new lip gloss from Stilla from my cousin, a glam bag from EditorIan, an Eeyore from HK Disney from Nic Lo, new books (can't wait to read em) and tops, a pair of shoes, bickies, chocies and etc.
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I guess the things I really wanted was impossible to recieve but the most important things that I asked Santa for this year were all intangible things. I realised while sorting through my newly cleaned room - the dust animals are all dead *hoorah* - that I had so much stuff and though I will need new clothes and gadgets and books, I had the essentials and it was enough.
What I asked Jesus/Santa for this year will only be known throughout the coming year and hopefully I will recieve it. They are Wisdom and Patience, Love, Faith and Hope and Peace in the world and in the lives of my family and friends. I asked Jesus/Santa for strength, perseverance and health so that I could carry our my dreams and hopes and most importantly that I eventually felt the Spirit of Christmas regardless of when it was.
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Anyways, this could have been worse, right? But I am thankful that all my loved ones (well almost all of them) are with me this Christmas. Christmas is supposed to be a wonderful time of the year and its sad that it has passed by so quickly... but there is always next year!!! Well this is a late wish but I hope that everyone had/will have a Blessed & Happy Christmas (there are 10 days left of Christmas) and I hope that all of you had a chance to feel the spirit of Christmas *hugsss* and may all your wishes, hopes, dreams and prayers come true.

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