I was having dinner with the "guys" yesterday which turned out to be a splendid seafood feast, I felt alittle left out as the "guys" were all on one table and the rest of us had to sit on another. I couldn't help hearing this little voice in my ear whispering that if only the Possum had not come along, I would be there on the "guys" table just as it has always been before, my laughter and chatter mixing in with theirs (Yes, I am a mean selfish person at times - I can't really help it). But honestly I loved the Possum being there and I was glad that he had made the effort to come. Yet there I was at another table, the table without all the "guys" though B was there and Ons and Johan too... but it just wasn't the same I guess. The laughter that rang sounded foreign and alien to my ears and it made me wonder how far did I really drift from them? And yes the little green eyed monster did rear its disfigured ugly head a couple of times albeit only briefly.
Joanna and I were talking about how things had changed now that we had "other halfs" that didn't quite belong with the "guys" and how we missed those good old days when everyone was unattached and those silly things we would get up to together eg. the "toilet" incident in RSC - they don't happen anymore. Perhaps we grew a conscience, maybe we didn't want reprecussions for our actions, maybe we had to compromise or maybe we just grew up. After that night at about 3.30am when we had left the pub and I was on my way home with B, I realized that these "guys", the "guys" that were there with me through those tough periods in my life, my joys and my tears, my intoxication periods and my dissapointments, were still there with me and the reason why I felt left out during dinner was simply because I chose to wear a different pair of shoes at that time.
I realized that when the Possum was around, I had to wear a pair of shoes that could hopefully make him feel comfortable and welcome amongst my the "guys". I was the middle link in between these two sets of people who are important to me. With the "guys" I had to change into another pair of shoes, the shoes that were so common and normal to them, the shoes that they knew since way back then. I needed to wear these different shoes because like it or not, I realized that I couldn't have the best of both worlds. I couldn't have Possum and the "guys" at the same time... maybe one day but not right now (okay stop thinking perverted thoughts!). I honestly hate it really... having to be changing shoes all the time... but I still care for the Possum and thats why I do that whole 'changing shoes thingy'. Its difficult to express what I feel at this moment in time and its tough to really understand what a person feels underneath it all...
I am trying to be true to myself and I am trying so hard not to wear different masks. Its just that I am merely trying to keep my friendship with the "guys" and to keep my relationship with the Possum who I have to say gets slightly jealous at times (a very human trait). I suppose he wonders at times how he could compete for affections with about 9 guys who has been there for me longer than he has and who has all these history with me, but honestly, he doesn't need to worry about that... he is on a whole different pedestal.