Saturday, July 16, 2005

Wearing The Right Shoes...

Last night I realized that you can't wear two sets of shoes at the same time. Honestly you could, but not only would it look odd, but it just wouldn't seem right! You have to choose the right shoes to wear and the right time to wear them and whilst you wear them you gotta be proud and happy about them and enjoy them as best as you can. Hmmm... perhaps you are wondering if this is another 'blonde' spell of mine, sadly it is not and if you are wondering if I am intoxicated, I am but not on alcohol *gasp*

I was having dinner with the "guys" yesterday which turned out to be a splendid seafood feast, I felt alittle left out as the "guys" were all on one table and the rest of us had to sit on another. I couldn't help hearing this little voice in my ear whispering that if only the Possum had not come along, I would be there on the "guys" table just as it has always been before, my laughter and chatter mixing in with theirs (Yes, I am a mean selfish person at times - I can't really help it). But honestly I loved the Possum being there and I was glad that he had made the effort to come. Yet there I was at another table, the table without all the "guys" though B was there and Ons and Johan too... but it just wasn't the same I guess. The laughter that rang sounded foreign and alien to my ears and it made me wonder how far did I really drift from them? And yes the little green eyed monster did rear its disfigured ugly head a couple of times albeit only briefly.

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After dinner, the "guys" decided to go to G's dads pub to have a couple of drinks and I went with them. The Possum didn't come along and I thank him for understanding that I wanted and in some ways needed to go with the "guys". So the Possum and I said goodnight and I went with the "guys" to the place. It was fun just playing pool (I sucked at it), playing darts (sucked at it too), drank, talked and laughed. To say that things hadn't changed would be wrong... yet to say that they changed so much that the divide could not be bridged would not be accurate either. I would just say that it was different yet the same. It felt like old times, but it wasn't old times. For one, some of us had lost that certain spark , the spark that used to bring and spread carefree-ness, laughter and joy. Then there were some of us who had matured in the way we thought and the way that we behaved, and there were others who were lost and confused with their own matters in life, bogged down and dispirited, and there were some whose laughter was hollow and whose smiles were shallow and even some that had a combination of all these things put together and more.
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* This was then...
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* This is now...

Joanna and I were talking about how things had changed now that we had "other halfs" that didn't quite belong with the "guys" and how we missed those good old days when everyone was unattached and those silly things we would get up to together eg. the "toilet" incident in RSC - they don't happen anymore. Perhaps we grew a conscience, maybe we didn't want reprecussions for our actions, maybe we had to compromise or maybe we just grew up. After that night at about 3.30am when we had left the pub and I was on my way home with B, I realized that these "guys", the "guys" that were there with me through those tough periods in my life, my joys and my tears, my intoxication periods and my dissapointments, were still there with me and the reason why I felt left out during dinner was simply because I chose to wear a different pair of shoes at that time.

I realized that when the Possum was around, I had to wear a pair of shoes that could hopefully make him feel comfortable and welcome amongst my the "guys". I was the middle link in between these two sets of people who are important to me. With the "guys" I had to change into another pair of shoes, the shoes that were so common and normal to them, the shoes that they knew since way back then. I needed to wear these different shoes because like it or not, I realized that I couldn't have the best of both worlds. I couldn't have Possum and the "guys" at the same time... maybe one day but not right now (okay stop thinking perverted thoughts!). I honestly hate it really... having to be changing shoes all the time... but I still care for the Possum and thats why I do that whole 'changing shoes thingy'. Its difficult to express what I feel at this moment in time and its tough to really understand what a person feels underneath it all...

I am trying to be true to myself and I am trying so hard not to wear different masks. Its just that I am merely trying to keep my friendship with the "guys" and to keep my relationship with the Possum who I have to say gets slightly jealous at times (a very human trait). I suppose he wonders at times how he could compete for affections with about 9 guys who has been there for me longer than he has and who has all these history with me, but honestly, he doesn't need to worry about that... he is on a whole different pedestal.
So, now I find that though I go less and less to the mamak and know little snippets about the goings on in the lives of the "guys", it'll be okay for as soon as I put on those shoes of mine which are so familliar to me, everything will be okay. Its just that I dread the day when I find that the shoes are gone or if they don't quite fit anymore. As for the Possum and I, I suppose one day he has to accept the fact that these "guys" are going to be around for some time and he had better get used to it. If not, who knows what will happen... For now though, I guess
I gotta know which pairs of shoes to wear at the right time or risk spraining my ankle or breaking both my legs!!!

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T | N Y said...

Awww.. Joanne, I know how it feels like to stand in the middle of fine thin line that hangs in mid air. It's like you're only able to look at those kids over the fence of the neighbours' house play, but will never be able to play with them. Perhaps only once in a while your parent will give the green light or allows you to. Either than that, all you could do is to watch those kids from your room play. Ofcourse you love your parent very much and listen to their advice but you needed some of your own personal space at times. In much hope and plight, I wish that your parent understands you much, knowing that all you wanted to do it to social and play with them kids whom you grew up with and not anything else. With this, T|NY shean advices you to smile and laugh always!!! =) (I know not related, but it eases things pretty much) ~Peaceout~

Brian said...

first things first, tiny, we all know you ain' t really TINY. so no way you'd know how it feels to stand on a thin line, innit? ;P
ahahahaha. miss you. come back soon!

and then there's you jo, how dare you air brush the picture to make my forehead seem so high?!!!

ppl who don't know me might just think my hairline is receding!

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