Wednesday, August 11, 2004

* Being 21 *

I am now Twenty One.. and if I keep saying that to myself, maybe then I would start realizing the complexity of the situation. What is so confusing you might wonder? Well you see it’s like this, I am an adult now. An adult.. gee.. even writing this is scaring me silly. I guess being 21, is like a wake-up call, you aren’t a child, a teenager, or a young adult… you ARE an adult. You are legal, you have the keys to freedom.. hmmm.. don’t remember getting a key on my birthday though..

Anyways, there was one afternoon when I realized that 3 years have passed since I got home from my student exchange program, 4 years since I have left high school, and 8 years since I have left primary school.. sorry, I think I was rather bored that day.

Nevertheless, it got me thinking about all the changes that have happened to me through these many stages of my life. I have started realizing that there are a lot of things about myself that I didn’t know about and come to think of it, may not even like. So I start to feel slightly insecure and wonder where I will be in a year or two and then get scared because I barely know where I am now. When I was in primary school I wanted to be a piano teacher and I never reached grade 6; In secondary school I wanted to be a lawyer, though that was before I realized how many books, facts and cases you have to memorize.. And now I am in the communications line and I think.. Do I really want to do this?

And then I start to think about people in general, how they are not all good and kind and helpful as I once believed them to be. Out there in this world, perhaps even round the corner there are some really selfish and down right mean people, people that would use probably use me and then chuck me aside when they are done with me. Then there are those friends who I thought were so close to me, who really are not exactly the greatest bunch of people that I have ever met, though I was too wrapped up in my own little world to realize that. (I mean sure everyone is fighting his or her own battles, but please give me a break!)

This also brings to mind though, the wonderful people that I have had lost touch with or had falling outs with, the people who once played a big role in my life whom I have forgotten and also the people that have stuck by me though all the ups and the downs in my life, who have been there for me at 4 am in the morning when I needed to hear one more time that “everything would be ok”, the ones that brought me food and comfort on days when I was sick and miserable. More importantly, I have also come to realize how important God and my family are in my life, the very foundation of my life and existence.

There are also times when I begin to reminiscence about the good old days; days when I was young and naïve days when I used to believe in Santa Claus, fairies, pixies, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and the whole lot of those whimsical fairy-like things. I remember that life was so magical then, anything could happen if I only believed it.. (I still believe that they do exist though that is entirely another story) I remember all the things I have done, the people that I have met and the places that I have been to. The loved ones that I have lost, the heartaches, the trials and tribulations and of course the wonderful happy memories and moments that can still bring tears of absolute joy to my eyes and of course a hell of a good laugh coupled with a snort.

I am also beginning to understand myself more and I have come to realize what I want and don’t want in life. My opinions have gotten stronger and I stand up for the things I believe in. I also know that sometimes in life there are some things, which I have to do simply because there is just no other way, and though that may suck big time, that is the way life is. There was a time when I used to cloud out the bad and ugly things in the world and see only the wonderful and beautiful things, but now I have begun to see things as they are and not as I want them to be. I see all the pain and the joy, the poverty and the greed, the sadness hopes and broken dreams all around me. There are times when I laugh and cry just because I feel like it (try it, its good for the soul apparently) and there are also times when I feel alone and scared and confused.

I also have the tendency to worry about everything under the sun and on other times I feel like I don’t have a care in the world. I now also see that change is an enemy and I try to cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize the past is drifting further and further away from me, slipping through my fingers like sand and there is nothing I can do but stay where I am or move forward because without change I cannot progress.. this is all so confusing at times; it is difficult to let go of all that you once knew but again I have also learnt that sometimes in life it is not the holding on that makes one strong, it is the letting go.

And now after all this rattling on about me being 21, and all the experiences in my life and all this confusing thoughts passing through my mind, I realize that perhaps this is the best and worst time in my life and I am still trying as hard as I can to figure out this whole thing. I know I am still as this junction in my life where I am trying to find some sort of meaning, some direction.. Perhaps I am even hoping for some divine intervention type thing to fall from the Heavens telling me that YES this is the way… this is what you should do. But there hasn’t been a huge sign in the sky, not even a speck to say the least. But I am not worried about it now… I am savoring every moment I get. I may sound all weird and confused, I dare see sort of bimbo-ish, but I have realized now that no one has a perfect life, that everyone’s life full of ups and downs like a see-saw and so why should I pretend to have a prefect, clear cut life? Life is how you make it to be we have to write out own stories and chart out own course. So cheers and good luck to all those 21 year olds who are the gates of adult hood.. Enjoy.. I sure am!

* P.S: This was supposed to be the article that should have been published..sigh!!!

1 comment:

Jin said...

and you had to wait for a year to get this publish.. lol... as you always tell me all the time. Things happen for a reason. It doesn't explain much but that the way it is. But lol, we all have battles. its hopefully someday we will all win and meet the other side. Are you getting stronger

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...