Saturday, February 18, 2006

~ At age 12 I thought... ~

When I was 12, which was not so very long ago, I wrote in my diary that at the age of 24 (which was really really an old age by the way) I would be happily married to a loving, kind, good looking man, settled in a lovely home, with a wonderful stable well paying job I loved, two kids and a puppy
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Was my12 year old self high at that moment???

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*sigh sigh* Here is the horrifying truth of the matter ~ I am at the fringe of my 23rd year and I am nowhere near the visions and dreams of that deluded 12 year old girl that I was. I am in fact at the opposite ends of what she imagined and hoped for.
At the threshold of my 23rd year: I am in a strange relationship, I live with my parents rent free, I have no children, definitely no puppy but a couple of tortoises and I am unemployed/jobless!!!


That was what I would have gotten from my 12 year old self is she was ever given a chance to see herself in the future. She would probably also be traumatized with what she saw *sigh sigh*
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Yes, I am at the fringe of my 23rd year and in about more or less a day's time I will be 24. That's like double the age of 12!!! That’s like old!!! I was at an event a couple of weeks back and someone asked me how many kids I had. WHAT a very “interesting” first question to ask me. I asked him what made me think that I was a mother and he said you just look like one!!! DAMN YOU STUPID MAN!!! A million lame and stupid comebacks raced across my mind such as -- > “Oh do you live in a farm?” and he would go “No. Why?” to which I would reply, “cos you look like an ass” and I would promptly walked of. But they were lame and so in reality I just stood there and smiled and said, “No I don’t. Excuse me” and walked off ~ what an idiot thing to do!!! I should have said something… anything!!! Oh well… maybe next time… BAH!!!
Yeah… 24 years old… gawd!!! I find it so hard to believe.
Well yesterday evening, I got an early gift from Adam with a really really interesting card. It was good to know that at least I made a difference in one persons life in this 23-and-a-bit years of living. At least I know that nothing I did was really in vain! Sure I did not win the noble prize, get married, get a good job and etc. but at least I made one more person smile (eventhough it usually is at my expense), at least I gave one more hug and at least I listened to one more person who needed someone.

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So I guess what I am trying to say is that even though I am nowhere near what my 12 year old self hoped and dreamt I would be, it is okay. I have done enough, I have achieved almost all of my goals and I am pretty happy. Sure there are areas in life where there needs some working on… but I guess that’s life isn’t it? One constant stream of... working (of which I have more to do), of improving (there is much to be improved still), of learning (there are more books and things to learn), of dreaming (there are more dreams left to be dreamt), of wishing (of which there are more stars to wish upon) and of loving (of which there is more to give and to receive).

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I guess after some thinking, my 12 year old self would have been pleased with how I turned out to be. I am not all I wanted to be… but I am all I needed to be.

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