Trying to * Believe *

I am not sure where I am at now in terms of my emotions. One moment I am doing well, dancing in the sunshine, laughing to myself and smiling a great deal and the next I feel so empty and hollow and I feel this weird pressing feeling near the regions of my heart...

Then there is work - One day I think that I love this job and that I wouldn’t mind working for the next gazillion years and then the next minute I hate it with a passion and I question my sanity for turning down other journalistic opportunities.

Yes… confused… that’s probably me most of the time.

This feeling also extends to my relationships with people.
One minute I think I know what I want and I know where I am headed and the next its like… what do I want now? At the moment of my blogging, I am feel super duper uncared for. No not PMSing or anything of that sort. Just thinking about the choices I have made and the way I am being treated and I feel sadly short changed.

Remember I think I mentioned how one can feel super lonely even though they are surrounded by people? Well I am feeling it again for the hundredth and one time this year. I have gotten so many messages to go out and to go for dinner, but I have declined them all simply because I don’t know what to do when I am out. I don’t know what to say and etc. and then there is the nagging feeling that I should be helping out in the house. The people I really want to meet don’t really want to see me or are in Heaven *God bless them*

Went out with my friends last night and I thought I would enjoy myself but I didn’t. I was aching to go home or just to get away. It’s not like I hate them or anything, but nothing has changed. They still tease me and mock me about my weight and etc. just like how they always do. And I just think how sad it is that they still behave this way. How sad that they don’t respect me. And I just couldn't sit there and pretend that everythign was okay when it sure as wasn't. Thank God for Angelus who came to my rescue and sacrificed his sleep to hang out and reminiscence about primary school with me in MCD’s centre point.

Then there is my grandma who isn’t doing so well. She I bedridden now and she will be admitted to hospital over the weekend. Of course there are so many other problems cropping up and my parents are worked out about it and I feel like I am a stranger in my own house at times. I hardly saw my parents this week *sob sob* I see my grandma now and I want to shake her and tell her to snap out of it and to get better pronto but then I remember all too quickly that its not her fault and I berate myself for feeling that way and I think that maybe I should be the one being shaken and asked to snap out of it.

Sorry that my writings seem to jump here and there, not quite constant but I just have all these random thoughts in my mind. I suppose I just need a good rest and then everything will be better *crossing my fingers* It’s just that I hate this transition I am in at the moment - that and all the other shitty problems I am facing. I am still trying to adapt to the “new working life” and it’s seriously difficult. I miss my old life so much. I feel that some parts of me are missing and that I am not whole and idiot me is still searching high and low for some of the pieces to put everything back again to how it was before. But I know at the back of my mind that nothing will ever be the same again. How can it be the same? Too much has happened. I can't go back to the way things were... ever... It's hard to type that sentence out and even harder to understand it and its implications.

For some strange reason I want to see Polar Express on IMAX (I never got to watch it because the freaking thing was spoilt and I remember Peggy and I were super disappointed about it) and sob about the magic of “believing” and to feel all Christmasy. I love that feeling and you know what I dread the day when the magic slips away from my life. When I do morph into this hard hearted biatch who hates soft cuddly things, little ponies, care bears, stickers, who doesn’t believe in fairies and Angels and all things magical, Please smack me nicely.

I want to sob now... because you aren't here now, because I feel a hole in me and I feel like the world is just going too fast for me to catch up so I will leave you with these words from a song...

“Believe in what your heart is saying,
hear the melody that's playing.
There's no time to waste,
there's so much to celebrate.

Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need,
If you just believe…”

~ Josh Groban “Believe” from the OST to Polar Express ~

Summer's Here!

Summer is finally here!!!
(for me its here anyways)

Ahhh… the beginning of summer and all the glorious movies.
*sweet*

Went to Singapore over the long weekend and had a pretty good time there. Had super yumyum food this trip down though Taco Bell disappointed me this time round. Went to a new scrapbooking store called Scrapbooking University (they actually give you certs after you graduate) and other scrapbooking shops and have a crazy time picking, looking browsing and choosing new scrapbooking stuffs. ~ Heaven!

Bought quite a lot of stuff *shuffles feet guiltily* from the scrapbooking shops and also a ton of yum chocolates and biscuits too *hoorah hoorah*. Managed to even get a really nice saucepan and set of stainless steel cutlery for my mom’s for a real bargain *OK… Auntie Alert! ~ hehehe* but all in all I had fun. Met up with my cousin Annette too and we had a really good bonding session *grins*

Went to Mission Impossible 3 yesterday night for the premier *thanks Ian… (feels just like the old days!) and had a good time stuffing my face with Famous Amos and popcorn in celebration of Summer (yes, just another excuse to stuff my face)! Also managed to get 2 new editions of BHG scrapbooking magazines from Kinokuniya and some other mags and a new book from TIMES. *hoorah hoorah*

So yes…
Summers Starting
And I am here at work…
Something is wrong with the equation here!
*BAH! But I am going to make the best of it and enjoy myself

Happy Summer everyone!
May you have time to watch all the summer blockbusters and finish reading your Summer book list. I hope I will *crosses finger and toes and wishes on a shooting Star!
Don’t forget the magical 01.02.03.04.05.06 thingy tonight. May all your wishes, hopes, dreams and prayers come true.

*Hugsss… miss you guys.

The Shining Point

Despair is a heavy blackness
that let no light in or out...

It was my own private hell,
one beyond expression.

I thank God it passed…
that it always passes......

The blackness will stir
and eventually go away,
and God will always remain
a shining point of light in my heart...
and because of that

I will go on loving...

Threats and Small SurpriseS ~ *

The weekend passed too fast *sob sob sob*
So many plans , so many things I wanted to do...
NOTHING achieved...
lots of sleeping and visiting family
and missing you...

A surprise though: my daddy bought two new baby tortoises. First time he bought tortoises for me. I guess he realised that he missed them too and that I really love them. I was angry when he told me - as I felt guilty about the lost of the other 4 small ones - at first but they looked so cute... So welcome to the family (hopefully you will live longer and happy!) Casanova and Feliz Navidad.

Work was okay today though I suppose there is only so much ANALbullSHITEwork you can put up with everyday. When I think of it like I am now... I get pissed off... but other than that, work is great and today I had lunch with Annie and her friends and one of them was a someone from my high school... he still looks super cute *blush* and then Annie sent me home cos she was passing that way.


As a threat, Jesiree asked me a long to the SS2 pasar malam and we went to get tau foo far and snacks. She got me my first ever fried ice cream... *yum yum yum* it was super delicious. I love it! Btw, I went in like my super house clothes, cos its the pasar malam and well what do you know, I ran into Jon Ong and he was laughing and pointing at my clothes *shy* We have good times at the pasar malam though... *smiles* Thanks again Jes for the facial passes and the fried ice cream and trip to the pasarmalam. Watched LOST and here I am now... should be going to sleep soon. Missing you still...

Losing and Winning...

This is my second week at work and so far things have been going pretty well... *grin grin* There is a lot of things that I have yet to learn but I guess thats normal when you start with something new. I am a little worried though because some times I am a slow learner and I guess they are expecting me to know certain things already which I don't. It's hard to prove yourself and show them that you are worth it and know your stuff when you honestly don't know.

Been pretty busy with work and I feel slightly sad. There are so many things that I am losing at this moment... and yet at the same time so many things I am gaining and I begin to notice this pattern with me ~ this unending weave of contradictions blending in and out of one another... which never seems to stop. I can be happy and yet sad... lonely and full... losing and winning all at the same time and the list goes on.



A couple of things happened yesterday Tuesday the 11th of April 2006. The main thing however was the lost of my last baby tortoise... Sweetie a.k.a Tweety a.k.a Tweets... its sad because I don't know what is wrong with them. Went to the pet shop man and he said it could be the water and the chlorine in it or toxins or something. I just feel so bad... so guilty and so upset about it all. Four in a year. I have had about 12 tortoises in my whole life and I have had only one die on me (that was when I was like 4 and didn't know that you weren't supposed to drop them repeatedly when they were asleep to wake them up - yes I was silly) since then and now... four all at once...*ouch...

Then there is you that I am losing. Every time I think that I feel that we are one step closer, we actually move 3 steps back and I lose a little of you bit by bit everyday. There seems to be nothing I can do at the moment. For once... NOTHING! I have tried everything except leaving you and that is what I suppose I have to do. So while I lose you, I will just turn my back and walk away from you. If you were really meant for me like you told not too long ago, then you will be coming back to me one way or the other... but if not... then I suppose its the best this way. Love for once doesn't quite matter anymore, for Love is just another four letter word if there is nothing done to prove that it is true...



I have never walked away from anything without finishing it and seeing it through but this time I am jus so diminished that I can't do it anymore. Silently I am killing myself and you, you just tell me to be patient and to wait and I feel like a child when I ask you time and time again about what is going on... and I can't do this to myself anymore. Yet its hard to say goodbye, put your in a box and delete your contact from my phone because I do care...

Then there is also the fact that I seem to be losing the old me. I knew that I would eventually lose parts of the old me (it's growing up they say), it was inevitable... but I did not foresee this whole other part of me would be lost too so it comes as a shock and a surprise to see my own self slipping away and I have no idea where to start to save my own self... I miss the old me sometimes. You probably would not notice the changes in me... but I know and that is enough because I have to live with myself every single day.

So many things I miss...
So many things I am losing...
yet
So many things I am enjoying...
So many things I am gaining...



I know that wallowing and whinging will not change a single thing... but for the moment that is what I really want to do because my heart feels a lot blue and I am coming to terms with so many new things at the moment. I do have to say thank you though to my family, especially my mums for being super nice and supportive of me in all that I do, my dad for making me laugh with his funny and 'lame-O' jokes (that's where I get my 'lame-O' gene), the Possum (though he pisses me of so half the time), BryBry the space man (for email-MSN-type chats everyday and for keeping me sane with 1-3-hill and movie offers), Dira the now hot aussie princess (who emails me and bears with the said whinging), Yin, Ezli and Eric (from Saints Spot) for bothering to text me on the first day of work and asking me about my job every now and then to see if I am coping and for the encourgement... and a whole host of other people.

I gotta go now... it's time for bed and the funny thing is its not even 1am yet. How things have changed *bitter smile* A list of things that I miss:

~ Reading in bed before getting out of bed (this takes hours sometimes)
~ Skipping breakfast and lunch and going right to tea
~ Sleeping at 6am and waking up at 2pm just in time for TV
~ Being able to go out as and when I want
~ Movies in the afternoon and tea time with friends
~ Going to the tortoises tank and talking to them and watching them do their silly antics like climbing plastic coconut trees and red bridges
~ Going window and book shopping for days in a row
~ Writing for a publication
~ Seeing my byline
~ Hitting the snooze button again and again till it gives up on me
~ Having movie, tv series marathons
~ Talking on the phone with you till 5am and knowing that we are thinking of each while we sleep



... maybe one day these things will not be things I miss because I would have them all again... or perhaps even a better version of these things. *God can you hear me? Please say you can...

First Week @ Work

Its Saturday night and I am too sick to go out. My first week of work I have to say was pretty alright of course that is if you don’t take into account the fact that I was super sick ~ still am for that matter. The stupid panel doctor sucks I tell you. I told her that I had phlegm and I needed some cough mixture and antibiotics and she said “Don’t need!” What an imbecile. Needless to say, my phlegm got worse and I got sicker. So I went to my normal doctor and he gave me more meds which included antibiotics and cough mixture so now I am on the road to recovery though I am not feeling all that great now as well.

Actually, I feel gloomy and depressed to put it bluntly. Small miracles each day help, like someone picking me up after work, buses being on time, seats on buses, someone buying me panadols, someone SMSing and calling to see how I am doing and winning at arcade basketball. Yet I still feel a little sad, a little bit down.

I think that for me this phase in life is really difficult and trying. Working is life changing me, I have to say and in not the ways that I am familliar with or like at the moment. I miss being a student already and it fills me with sadness to think that all my life will ever be now is a routine... of waking up early and going to bed early and rejoicing in the weekends which will pass by all too soon and then the whole routine starts again… over and over again… *sob sob sob* How do people do this for years?

It doesn’t help that one of my dream jobs (writing for The Stars youth desk) was offered to me on a platter and I had to turn it down. I don’t regret taking this current job at Pat Lin but at the same time, its like “why approach me now?” couldn’t it have been 3 days earlier before I signed the contract?

I guess life never does go the way you want or plan it to go.
Well the good thing is that so far I haven’t been late to work and have been waking up on time… and slowly but surely I am getting well. Its going to take some time to get used to working and to get my life the way I want it to be (my life is in a little bit of a mess at the moment), but with the grace of God and some wonderful Angels around me, I hope it will be only be a matter of time before everything works out ok.
Still miss you…

First Office Post

*hehehe*

I am blogging at work for the first time. It's lunch btw, so don't say that I'm a lazy bum. Food here is quite expensive, so am trying to bring my lunch (today its bread and ham) as and when I can. Just wanted to say that I am alive *hoorah* and that things are okay at work though being sick on the first and second day of work sucks. Pretty sleepy so might just walk around for a bit.

Miss MSN-ing though I am on it now... for a bit... and I miss you too.

Tomorrow...

Tomorrow...
Tomorrow...
Tomorrow...


Tomorrow my life will change.
I will be whisked off to a new phase in life.
A new chapter so to say.
One that I look forward too and at the same time dread.
I will become a suit.
I will have to fold my beloved jeans and tees away.
I will have no more chats during the day on MSN.
Goodbye MSN buddies... *miss you guys already
Work starts at nine and ends when you are done with your work.
No more sleeping at 5am and waking up at 2pm.
No more spontaneous trips to the mall or movies.
No more afternoon teas or DVD marathons.
No more funky huge white plastic PONY bags.
No more chunky sandals or flowered slippers.
No more lie ins in bed on mornings when it rains (my fav. weather).
No more scrapbook days, no more reading in bed.
Worse of all, no more writing for me.
No more bylines. I can't freelance anymore *sniff sniff*


Yes my life (from 9-6pm) will be more conservative from tomorrow onwards. One part of me is welcoming this change with open arms and another is just crying, aching inside and feeling sorry for myself. Its strange to be torn up like this... loving the new challenge before me and yet hating it at the same time. My first day at work begins in nine hours and it will end only at 11pm as I have an event. My boss is putting me in the middle level, which means I have a lot of things to catch up on. I am happy that I am given this chance really, she will be my mentor and I get to do copywriting as well... but... there is always this part of me that is sad and whining... *smiles smiles*
That's life I guess ~ A melting pot of different feelings



Anyways, its late. I should be getting to sleep... plus I am sick with the flu and super sore throat. Haven't packed my conservative black bag yet. I hope you guys will pray for me that this transition from child to grown up, from jeans to suits will be a great and wonderful one for me.

I miss you.
My heart will ache as I leaveyou behind.
I will take you along though in my heart.
For now that is the best that I can do.
I miss you...
but its time for me to grow up...