Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Losing and Winning...

This is my second week at work and so far things have been going pretty well... *grin grin* There is a lot of things that I have yet to learn but I guess thats normal when you start with something new. I am a little worried though because some times I am a slow learner and I guess they are expecting me to know certain things already which I don't. It's hard to prove yourself and show them that you are worth it and know your stuff when you honestly don't know.

Been pretty busy with work and I feel slightly sad. There are so many things that I am losing at this moment... and yet at the same time so many things I am gaining and I begin to notice this pattern with me ~ this unending weave of contradictions blending in and out of one another... which never seems to stop. I can be happy and yet sad... lonely and full... losing and winning all at the same time and the list goes on.

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A couple of things happened yesterday Tuesday the 11th of April 2006. The main thing however was the lost of my last baby tortoise... Sweetie a.k.a Tweety a.k.a Tweets... its sad because I don't know what is wrong with them. Went to the pet shop man and he said it could be the water and the chlorine in it or toxins or something. I just feel so bad... so guilty and so upset about it all. Four in a year. I have had about 12 tortoises in my whole life and I have had only one die on me (that was when I was like 4 and didn't know that you weren't supposed to drop them repeatedly when they were asleep to wake them up - yes I was silly) since then and now... four all at once...*ouch...

Then there is you that I am losing. Every time I think that I feel that we are one step closer, we actually move 3 steps back and I lose a little of you bit by bit everyday. There seems to be nothing I can do at the moment. For once... NOTHING! I have tried everything except leaving you and that is what I suppose I have to do. So while I lose you, I will just turn my back and walk away from you. If you were really meant for me like you told not too long ago, then you will be coming back to me one way or the other... but if not... then I suppose its the best this way. Love for once doesn't quite matter anymore, for Love is just another four letter word if there is nothing done to prove that it is true...

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I have never walked away from anything without finishing it and seeing it through but this time I am jus so diminished that I can't do it anymore. Silently I am killing myself and you, you just tell me to be patient and to wait and I feel like a child when I ask you time and time again about what is going on... and I can't do this to myself anymore. Yet its hard to say goodbye, put your in a box and delete your contact from my phone because I do care...

Then there is also the fact that I seem to be losing the old me. I knew that I would eventually lose parts of the old me (it's growing up they say), it was inevitable... but I did not foresee this whole other part of me would be lost too so it comes as a shock and a surprise to see my own self slipping away and I have no idea where to start to save my own self... I miss the old me sometimes. You probably would not notice the changes in me... but I know and that is enough because I have to live with myself every single day.

So many things I miss...
So many things I am losing...
So many things I am enjoying...
So many things I am gaining...

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I know that wallowing and whinging will not change a single thing... but for the moment that is what I really want to do because my heart feels a lot blue and I am coming to terms with so many new things at the moment. I do have to say thank you though to my family, especially my mums for being super nice and supportive of me in all that I do, my dad for making me laugh with his funny and 'lame-O' jokes (that's where I get my 'lame-O' gene), the Possum (though he pisses me of so half the time), BryBry the space man (for email-MSN-type chats everyday and for keeping me sane with 1-3-hill and movie offers), Dira the now hot aussie princess (who emails me and bears with the said whinging), Yin, Ezli and Eric (from Saints Spot) for bothering to text me on the first day of work and asking me about my job every now and then to see if I am coping and for the encourgement... and a whole host of other people.

I gotta go now... it's time for bed and the funny thing is its not even 1am yet. How things have changed *bitter smile* A list of things that I miss:

~ Reading in bed before getting out of bed (this takes hours sometimes)
~ Skipping breakfast and lunch and going right to tea
~ Sleeping at 6am and waking up at 2pm just in time for TV
~ Being able to go out as and when I want
~ Movies in the afternoon and tea time with friends
~ Going to the tortoises tank and talking to them and watching them do their silly antics like climbing plastic coconut trees and red bridges
~ Going window and book shopping for days in a row
~ Writing for a publication
~ Seeing my byline
~ Hitting the snooze button again and again till it gives up on me
~ Having movie, tv series marathons
~ Talking on the phone with you till 5am and knowing that we are thinking of each while we sleep

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... maybe one day these things will not be things I miss because I would have them all again... or perhaps even a better version of these things. *God can you hear me? Please say you can...

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