Sunday, June 19, 2005

All these thoughts...

I am silently sitting here with a thousand thoughts flying around in my head bumping into one another and making silent explosions which confuse me, shock me and at times makes me pause to rethink my thoughts, to try to make some sense of everything that is happening. To go back to point A and work my way through this maze and end up with some kind of a solution, is tedious as I don't know where point A really is. I want to make things right this time. I want to do things with a smile on my face knowing that I did it right this time... but its difficult just like it always is.

My foundations are shaky and my room is still in a mess. Reorganising my life is no easy task. Discard and keep... Discard and keep. Piles upon piles of things are scattered in my mind and on my floor. So many memories are taken out to be aired and to be remembered. Some taken out to be smiled upon, some to be frowned upon and even some to be cried over and to be laughed over and then to be stored up again in some place where no one will ever know. Then there are those things that just don't add up. That hang by lose threads.

There are the friends that you need but was never there, perhaps they had something more important to do. Then there are the friends that tell you that you are their world, their best friend and the whole shebang and yet they laugh at you and ridicule you and just treat you bad. And of course there are those that pretend to be your friend so that they can borrow your homework and assignments and use them without risking their brain cells and then there are also those friends that you hold on to for dear life only to realize that they left a long time ago.

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I am scared and lonely. My heart is shaky and tears well up behind my eyes. I try to keep them there behind the barricades, but its hard. Friends from my past have come up to me and said that I have changed - more anal, more boring, that suddenly I am not that girl that they knew. Everyone is taking weed they say - its no big deal. Everyone is binge drinking - its no big deal. And the list goes on about what 'everyone is doing' except me. But I am not the least bit bothered because for once in my life I know that this is who I am.

*DreamWeaver* - slightly strange, loves to scrapbook and read, loves to listen to music and have long chats with friends and am overall simple. There are times when I contradict myself and there are times when I do things that shock people and myself but they are done because there was sometimes no choice and sometimes done at the spur of the moment but all in all I have no regrets. I don't need to try weed to see and feel what others do. I do not need to binge drink and wake up not knowing where I am. I don't need to pretend to be someone I am not because I for once know who I am. I can cry when I want to, laugh when I want to and be anything I want to be... if God is willing and if I try my very best.

I am sad and lonely because there are so many people that do not understand, but honestly I don't think I need them to understand. Starting out on ones journey is never easy and I may fall along the way perhaps tomorrow, but I know that as long as I know roughly who I am and I am happy inside, then things will be okay. Its sad that when you grow up you leave behind so manyh pieces of yourself with people and I only hope that they can return me all the pieces of who I was, all that I taught them, all the hope I gave them so that I can remember better who I was and all I stood for before... But its impossible.

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Its just me rambling on and on again as awlays. But I know that this time round... somethings have to change. I can't live like this anymore and I don't think I want to.

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