Thursday, June 23, 2005

3 years ago...

3 years ago today, I would be in SJMC. Lying on one of those starch white bedsheets with the smell of medicine and disinfectant around me. It would be quiet and I would be alone, looking up at the ceiling and wishing I was somewhere else... somewhere far far away would be good. I thought. Maybe if I tried really hard I thought to myself, maybe I could will myself to get better or even better to be out of this horrid place (I hate hospitals - but then again, who does?).
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So I close my eyes for the thousandth time and wish so hard, that my eyes start scrunching up and my hands ball into fists, my nails making crescent moons in my palm and I chant to myself that "I am better... I am not here... I am at home..." But when I open my eyes, the white walls face me and the smell of hospitals which is just so distinct, hits me full on and I know that nothing had changed and I that I am still there. For the few days that I was there, my spirit broke and it took me some time to find myself again, and it was a wonder really because had I not been where I was and had I not gone through what I did, I wouldn't be the person I was today. I would have just wasted my life doing unmeaningful things.

Years later, I find myself thinking of the younger me there in that awful place, lonely, and feeling as if the world was coming to an end. Don't be dramatic you tell me... Well the doctors said it was a 50-50 chance that I would be coming out of there alive... so I had the right to be disturbed. My family was going nuts with worry and they were so upset and my bf then, was the pillar of strength at my side, I don't know how I would have gone through it without him, but then again... I might have done it just fine (we didn't work out in the end because I had changed too much after this incident!). The younger me then was strangely alright and accepting for everthing that was going on around her and she later bounced back on her feet and everything then seemed like a bad dream.

As I sit here now, my nails clicking on the keyboard, sipping ice cream soda, I can't help but think back of the girl that I once was. The past few days have unruffled me and left me feeling slightly lost but not in manner of how truly lost I felt before, but lost nonetheless. The problems I faced then and now have differed so greatly and I can see some sort of progression in myself. I no longer am in denial and I know who I am and love myself for it. I might not fully know myself, but I more or less get the gist of "me".

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My dilemma the past couple of days has not been resolved actually it is getting worse. I don't know where I stand and being shone one's true colours is sometimes very upsetting. One part of me wants to run away, far away from all this and to just block everything out... but I am not like that. I wasn't built like that... and so I force myself to come face to face with my problems and emotions and deal with it. There are no answers at the moment... there are just so many question marks and anger and I find myself once again staring at walls (though pink this time) wishing I was somewhere else with everything settled. I hate this I really do. I hate anger and the selfishness of money that turns people into monsters. I hate it that when you say something you can never take it back, the damage is done... you can't undo words. I hate the anger and confusion that rages inside me, driving me to do unthinkable things. Writing it all down does help some... but not alot to be honest... and try as I might to will the phone to ring with your voice on the other side, I know that its just me wishing on the wrong stars... As I said before... trying to sound optimistic - tomorrow is a new day.
Things will get better and there is no way to go but up once you reach rock bottom.
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~* I am trying to be happy with what I have and I know that one day I might wake up to find it has gone, but where are you? Where do you fit into everything? Are you happy? ~*

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