Wednesday, March 08, 2006

*~ The End of The Rainbow ~*

You would think that with all the free time I have these days I would be blogging more often. Yeah, quite true I should be doing just that since I am “super free” all the time. It’s not that there is a lack of things to blog about, but strangely enough, every time I sit in front of the pc, and log on to, I realise that either a) I have forgotten to do something b) some one calls me to help with something c) I have no mood to write d) I am sick (like I am now) or the most important reason of all… e) I can’t seem to face what I am going through and I can’t seem to find the words that express the thoughts that muddle around in my mind.

But today, for some strange reason all these thoughts are rushing to get out of my mind. Like thoughts diarrhea, they rush out like an endless stream and I am left frantically typing them out so that they don’t spill on the ground only to be lost and forgotten.
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The past few days and to be honest... the last couple of months, has seen my life progressing to something totally different. I have been kicked out of my comfort zone where I thrived in and am now wandering around in this new unfamiliar territory which I have yet to name. Everything that was once familiar to me, is now gone and I am left floundering in this… strangeness.

Suddenly I begin to question everything about myself, everything about my life, everything about my family, my friends, my house, my neighbour, my country, the world, God and the list goes on. But as TheSexyDave said to me over my birthday lunch at Dave’s (thanks again for it), “why bother asking questions when there is never going to be an answer”?

YES. Why bother?
I don’t know. I just do.

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You know I have always had a plan... a sort of map of where I am heading… but the map ended at point X which was university and after that, there was no trail, nothing planned for after that. Everyone assumes that I will find a good job with my credentials and past work experiences but they don’t know how hard it is to find a job that you like, a job that suits you and pays decently at the same time. They don’t know the crushing humiliation of having no replies and having a polite but curt NO hurled in your face. After all, its me… ME who apparently had everything going for her once upon a time.

To the world, I am the girl who wakes up at noon or slightly after… “AHHH!!! WHAT BLISS” they say in envy and perhaps a hint of anger and jealousy? But the reason why I wake up so late is because sometimes at night, I lie in bed and think about what I am doing and what I am going to do and etc. Then there are the other nights that I surf the web and look endlessly for places to apply to and at the same time gather the courage to apply to. Tiring. That’s what it is… blardy tiring and emotional draining. Then there are other days when I just decide to block it all out and so to distract myself, I read and I watch tv till I my eyes hurt and I need to prop toothpicks under my eyelids to keep them open. Envy me now? (the answer should be "NO" btw!)
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From my journal:
Things are supposed to get easier as you get older but more often than not it is just the notion of things getting simpler, in reality they get harder. Suddenly things don't look so simple anymore. The quest to land yourself a job you like with decent pay seems like something out of a Dungeons and Dragons game. And as soon as you begin work, bills, taxes, insurance, bills, investments and more bills come your way tying you down for the rest of your miserable existence. Things are supposed to get easier for me. I am supposed to be really sure of what to do in this ripe young age of almost 24, but it seems as if I am sliding back down some snakes and ladders chute and arriving somewhere at the bottom silently cursing the toss of the dice of life and gazing enviously at my friends who have got it almost down pat with their love life, their work and everything else. So yes... I suppose its time to trek up the ladders and avoid those snakes. Wish me luck!
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I don’t think luck quite cuts it anymore…
Maybe I am being overly dramatic (as some ppl like to accuse me off) but suddenly for once in my life, I don’t really want to BE around people. I don’t want to talk to anyone or hang out at the mamak or go shopping *gasp*. I just want to be alone more often than not. Duncan (my ex) happened to come and visit me last week and I was reluctant to go out but in the end he won and I went out and I was happy that I did. Surprisingly he said a lot of things that helped me and opened my eyes, he comforted me and by talking to him I realized a lot of things about myself then and myself now. It’s strange he said but he felt like I had finally grown up.

Yes. Perhaps I have grown up and that is why I am suddenly wondering where I am and what I am doing with my life. Suddenly the things in my life don’t quite fit together like the perfectly wooden framed Disney jigsaw puzzle hanging in my room. The pieces seem ill-fitting and strange and that’s why in the solitude and confines of my room these couple of weeks I have been trying to fix it all. It’s never going to be fixed, not anytime soon though, but I think I have made some headway.
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I have come to realise that I don’t want a lot of things. I don’t want to pretend that I care about something when I honestly don’t give two shits about it. I don’t want to go and have tea/coffee with you and have you try to sell me something which I don’t want to buy. I don’t want to hear you boasting about which bag or car you just bought. I don’t want to hear that you think I have big arms or that I am fat or that I am stupid. I don’t want to laugh when the jokes are at hurtful at my expense. I don’t want to sit down and see you smiling and laughing when I know that that smile will never be mine. I don’t want to pretend that I know everything so that I can fit in. I don’t want to make polite conversation with you when I know that you are so full of shit. I don’t want to say that we are “best friends” when you don’t know anything about me anymore. I don’t want to call/sms you because I know that I am bothering you and you have better things to do. I don’t want to laugh when I feel like crying. I don't want to wait for you anymore and the list goes on.
None of the above.
Just being honest and letting it all out.
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“I sometimes feel like I am a tortoise upside down on its shell, struggling to understand why the world has suddenly gone upside down” – paraphrased from one of Amy Tan’s book.

As I told to Dira a couple of days, I am getting out of this rut. Slowly, but surely I am getting out of it and learning to make my life right side up again. Heck, many people might not even know or care that I am in a rut, or perhaps they are just to busy with their lives and their own problems, but heck if I was indeed a friend as I was led to believe, wouldn’t they take the time to know? This has got to be one of the hardest times in my life. Reality is one of life’s hardest pills to swallow and being humbled is difficult to accept as well. Perhaps this is one battle best faced alone.
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I know I will get out of this a better, wiser person…
A person who I always dreamt as a child I would be.
Continuing the figure out the map of my life isn’t going to happen right away... I think I have to make things up as I go along and to see what life hands me along the road and use that as well... but I can see the rainbows end up ahead *grin*
and for now, that’s enough....
It's wonderful.

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