Sunday, January 01, 2006

Late 2005 & Early 2006!

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Its 10.53pm at the moment, just an hour and a bit more to the glorious whole NEW YEAR2006!!! I am sitting at home with a glass of Kahlua on the rocks ('cos there was no more milk in the fridge) and am feeling... strange. I should be out partying, or dining or just being with my friends but so far today has been family oriented.

This morning the Possum and I went to see my grandma who isn't feeling well and my parents went to visit my uncle who is ill and in the ICU (Please pray for him!). Then I went out with my parents to have lunch and then to shop around the Curve, Ikea and Ekano. After that, we went for dinner at my cousins lovely house and where my nephew gave me Maple Story an online/computer game - can't wait to start!

Other than that, its been a rather uneventful day. I wanted to stay home and think about the year gone by and the things that I have done and failed to do and so on and so forth. But I decided that it was better that I go out before I drink myself silly with all the alcohol I realised is in my cabinet. Besides, spending more time with my folks ain't that bad after all, its actually quite fun and brings us closer... yet I find something missing in me, missing from all the celebrations. Its like so unfestive its not funny and its honestly quite depressing!

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Why, I ask myself a thousand times, is this year so so different - other than the rising cost of everything, the dire condition of my wallet, the way I am missing people close to me, my confusion about direction I am taking in life, my worries and frustrations - from the other years??? Why do I feel as if there is this veil of sadness and worry around me? There has to be something more, yet when I think about it, my life ain't that bad or empty, right?
Oh well... the Possum is here. We are going to watch fireworks now at Ekano. Hope the celebrations goes well!!!
Blessed Happy 2006 a brand New Yeareveryone!!!
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>Beautiful fireworks<
The fireworks were beautiful (ok, NOT as nice at the picsla but they were pretty darn good for Malaysia!). They boomed up into the night with such intensity and beauty that some part of me thought that if the world were to end it should end in such beauty... *hehe* So drama! but it was WOW! I love fireworks and the display at Ekano and 1U didn't disappoint! I wish that such beauty could be around more and could last for a longer period of time. Anyways, there were the lovely droplets of golden rain, splashes of red and green in the sky and drizzles of blue all around. I drank my vanilla vodka coke and was silently in awe of everything that was happening up there in the sky. The only things that sadly distracted and honestly spoilt this scene of beauty was the Possum who was cussing and shouting (he was high) and the smell of brake pads. Other than that, everything was perfect.
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After the fireworks, the Possum and I went to Friendster where we had some white wine and where we made plans to go to Asian Heritage Row. I should have stayed at Friendster but I didn't - idiot me! - and well I guess to sum it all up I apologise to the cars that we overtook, the ppl that nearly got hit and the ppl that cut out just in the nick of time. I had a horrible night and a horrible start to my new year - BIG surprise there! but atleast I am still alive and breathin!
But I am not going to let this get me down and I think its time that I start thinking about myself (thanks E.Ian for the long convo on MSN) and what I believe in. I hate feeling afriad. I hate
being "too emotionally weak and too dependent on romantic notions" as Dave puts it - which is quite true. I hate myself for giving people more chances than they deserve. I hate myself for being too weak and for being a doormat on choice occasions. And so to this is the end or rather this is the begininng where I try to change myself for the better... not for anyone else, but for myself. Its going to be tough - what isn't - but I guess I have to find it in me!
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The time is 2.41am the 1st of January 2005 and I am in between emotions. One part is ready to cast of the old ME and the other remaining part wants to hold on dearly to the things that are familliar and routine-ish. But I dont' think I can do it anymore. As a friend of mine told me just minutes ago "i always think u should be someone that will lift you up... in all things" and I think I need to find people like these. I don't know about the Possum and I, and about our relationship... perhaps its time to let things go their own true way eventhough its hard and in my heart I am hoping that things may change in time *wishful thinking me*.
On one hand I love him till my heart aches and on the other hand, I dont' think he knows me true and true and I think our directions are leading us on different paths. I also don't think he respects me enough. Its easy to say all this but its hard to really think about the consequences and what the outcome would be like *sigh* What happened to the days of passing notes in class and holding hands under the tables??? - such lovley days!
I am scared... but when I think about all that I have done and have yet to do, I feel this sense of pride that I have never felt before. Arrogance? Perhaps. But I doubt so. All the achievements I have made this year has been becuase of initiative and sheer hard work and tears and for once in my life I have exceeded my
"New Years Resolutions 2005"
*Hoorah Hoorah*
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I think I have rambled on long enough... Yahoo Games Pile Up is waiting for me *hehehe* and so is my bed. I would like to take this oppotunity to thank those lovely people who have heard me whine and whinge through everything this year, the people who have been patient to listen to me and be judgemental, who have given me chances, who have been there with encouragement and honesty when I needed it, who have leant their shoulders for me to weep or laugh on, who have loaned me money and spent me lunches, teas and dinners with the hope of no repayment, who have picked me up and sent me home countless times, for those that have uplifted me, made me smile and told me a thousand times how wonderful I was and how much I meant to them. These are the people that have given 2005 dimension and colour *hugs* May 2006 be better, be filled with more happiness, joy that bubbles from within, laughter, fun, thoughtfulness, compassion for others, wisdom to make the right decisions in life, patience, faith, hope, kindness and above all else, love.
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