Sunday, May 08, 2005

I CAN'T change the world!

Today has been an emotional distressing day for me. Couldn't sleep last night and tried catching up on sleep today but it has been filled with very strange dreams and no amount of sleep I get these days ever makes me feel rested. I had a sad conversation today with a friend and it ended up in as usual tears. After much thinking about it, I realized that I was in the wrong for being hasty and persistant eventhough he was tired that day, though I have to say that he was wrong in breaking promises that he said he was going to keep. So the thing is now will our friendship, one which I cherish so very much, survive this and grow or will it fade away into nothingness? I am hoping for a chance to make our friendship work again, but its never easy to mend friendships and relationships... I will still try though, if he wants to try as well.

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This whole barrage of thoughts entered my mind when I was trying to sleep... I realized that I couldn't change anything as I once believed I could. I thought I could change things... change the world perhaps... but I now know with empty resignment that I CAN'T. I CAN'T change the world and I am a lesser person because of that. The sparkle of hope dimished in me then and the fairy tale ending I clung onto just came to an erupt halt. I am wishing that it will continue... perhaps one day (I hope soon) I will feel that warm glow when I think about all the things I can do to make this world and the lives of those I love better... I feel now just more emptiness.

Once upon a time, I had dreams... many dreams... now they are just replaced with peoples harsh voices to tell me to "Grow up!" to "forget about it" and to "move on and wake up", "stop being the way you are". Perhaps they are right... or maybe its just that I can't think right at the moment because my heart is damaged and I feel anxiety over so many things that I can't think right for the moment. Maybe one day I can change the world and the hope will resurface... but for now...
I know I CAN'T change the world.

Sometimes divine revelation simply means adhjusting your brains to hear what your heart already knows. (Angels and Demons pg. 532) - I need some of that Divine Revelation...

1 comment:

~ATOM~ said...

"my heart is damaged"

i think it's just the stress of the whole situation and the conversation you had with your friend.

& no, you don't need to grow up... your kindered spirit somehow affected me today while going through some of your old entries...

i think it's only a matter of time... you'll be back to your original self soon...

as for your friend... i think if you both work at it, it'll definitely work out, as long as you're both willing...

like i told Nat once...
i do believe that once you break glass there's no way you can get back the original piece you had, but you CAN get a better one...

& perhaps that's why humans weren't made of glass :p

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